Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

My DH and his holidays with MIL

141 replies

milano666 · 14/03/2015 11:17

Have name changed as my MIL might be on here.

Sorry for another MIL dilemma, but it's a big one for me and I need advise and perspectives.

DH dad died a year ago after years of illness. My MIL was his carer for years and more or less stuck in the house with him. Since he died and left quite a considerable sum of money, my MIL has treated herself to lots of days out and weekend aways in Europe taking my DH and his brother. I think this is great and support their time together though I sometimes feel why doesn't she invite all of us ( we have 2 children as has BIL and SIL - secondary school age).

Now MIL has decided she wants a trip to America with her boys this autumn for 10 days. For me its s holiday of a lifetime that I would love to go on with DH and the children. I really resent DH going without us. Its not MILs money I am after. We both have good jobs and can afford to go to Anerica if we saved up. We also have quite a few holidays a year together so I am not suffering on the holiday-front.

Also relevant I think -about 5 years ago I found that DH had had a 10 year affair with another woman which included lots of "business travel". We have stayed together and our marriage is good but I fetl he has seen a lot of the world without me already!!

AIBU for refusing an older lady a nice holiday and to see America with her boys or can I put my foot diwn and suggest she takes a friend of joins organised group travel?

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/03/2015 17:33

Why are their husbands not saying ' mum - the wife and kids would love this- I'm inviting them'?

HairyHandedFucker · 14/03/2015 17:37

I know you namechanged as 'MIL might be on here' - if she is, she'll now at least know about the affair.

I think you are being super-gracious having him go. I hope this is the last of it though - nice that he and BIL want to support her and lift her spirits after her loss, but I do think wife and DC come first in the main. There is only so much time to do trips, and I'd want my DH to spend his precious time and funds on us (I know yours is a pilot so maybe gets better holidays than mine, but there still must be a limit for time off.)

Does your mother get preferential treatment at the airport/on the plane because her sons are pilots?

prettywhiteguitar · 14/03/2015 17:37

Humm I think that mil needs to widen her social circle and her sons should be encouraging that rather than going on holidays with her.

I would be saying no more holidays with her and she needs to recognise that she's being very selfish especially as she could be spending the time with her grandchildren and treating them to special experiences ! But if you get on she will probably come to realise this in time ?

HairyHandedFucker · 14/03/2015 17:45

Actually, I re-read your OP, and if this is your idea of a holiday of a lifetime, I think you should go with your DH, and your DC. He can take MIL another time, I don't see why she should get to go before you. Unless you are happy to go together.
Also, she wants to go during half term? WHY? Why would anyone not constrained by school timetables choose to go during half term??? Crazy. And that leaves you dealing with your DC without DH the whole duration too.

diddl · 14/03/2015 17:49

"I think I IABU and will let them go to the US in the condition that me and the boys go with DH in the spring"

I think that that is a lovely idea tbh.

10days is quite a time, but if it's not affecting your finances, chances of a holiday & you will all cope without him then I don't see why not.

Becles · 14/03/2015 17:54

Lots of posters saying Why would a fully grown man want to go on a holiday with his mother and brother when he has a family of his own ?

Possibly because his mother's also part of his family; he enjoys spending quality time with both his mum and brother without partners and children radically altering the dynamic, which women seem to be able to do without being called weird, controlling or strange.

MIL probably wants to spend time with her children on the same way other DMS of females seem to be able to do without being judged. Inviting the DDILS and assorted DGC radically alters the dynamic and turns her into the spare wheel as parents naturally focus on parenting and their own DC.

OP agree roughly what hols you want to take as a family and .a couple and be gracious in your interpretation of family.

HairyHandedFucker · 14/03/2015 18:00

I'd feel the same if it was a daughter wanting 10 days away with her mother, on the top of various weekends away, excluding her husband and DC, Becles.

Rainbunny · 14/03/2015 18:22

Why doesn't your DH suggest to his mum that you and the kids come along too, and if that means delaying the trip so you can save up so be it. I can't imagine his mum would say "No, I don't want DIL and DGCs to come along." If she did express something like that I think it's time for DH to make it clear that family means you and the kids and the trip would be exclusionary and hurtful to him if you aren't included. Is not as though she hasn't already taken them on her special "mum and sons trips." What does your SIL think about this? She must fed up too.

Yarp · 14/03/2015 18:26

She sounds selfish and so does he.

Izzy24 · 14/03/2015 18:37

Good decision OP.

Hope everything works out for your family. It sounds as though you ALL deserve some happy times.

SinglePringle · 14/03/2015 18:57

A friend of mine lost her mother a couple of years ago. Every year, she goes on a 2 week holiday with her Dad. She also goes to see him - alone - a good few times a year. And they have the odd weekend away. She's married.

She also goes on fabulous holidays with her husband. Ditto weekends away.

i think it's bloody lovely she gets to have such wonderful times with both her husband AND her dad.

They all adore each other but accept their relationships with each other are different and allow the space for that.

Bearbehind · 14/03/2015 21:23

Jeezo, on what planet can you completely accept your husband living a double life for 10 years (whatever way you cut it he way lying to you if you didn't know it was happening) but get annoyed about him being completely transparent about going away with his mum for 10 days .

Both situations would piss me right off but I know which I'd make the bigger deal over.

Nowt as queer as folk.

olivia8allthepies · 14/03/2015 22:17

are you sure he's really going with his mum and not another woman?

Mintyy · 14/03/2015 22:17

SinglePringle - but does your friend have a limited number of days holiday from work? How can she manage so much holidaying?

SinglePringle · 14/03/2015 22:26

Well, she works for a local government dept so I assume she's just entitled to the statutory.

TwoLittleTerrors · 15/03/2015 09:40

What singlepringle described is how I see it. Maybe not everyone has the leave to have so much time away. I dont see how it's strange that I would want to spend time with them. DH isn't as attached to them as me. And I'm sure he would want some time off from DDs. Sadly my parents live overseas. But if they are in the UK I can see myself visiting them or going away with them for a long weekend with DDs.

Same with DH. I hate camping but he loves it. I know someone at work who goes to camp with his dad regularly in the weekends.

I think the problem with OP is the 10 year affair. If there is no trust issues the holiday with MIL isn't an issue is it? Obviosuly you need to negotiate a good balance like singlepringle described. Where everyone gets some family holidays.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6