My DH and his holidays with MIL

[milano666]

Have name changed as my MIL might be on here.

Sorry for another MIL dilemma, but it's a big one for me and I need advise and perspectives.

DH dad died a year ago after years of illness. My MIL was his carer for years and more or less stuck in the house with him. Since he died and left quite a considerable sum of money, my MIL has treated herself to lots of days out and weekend aways in Europe taking my DH and his brother. I think this is great and support their time together though I sometimes feel why doesn't she invite all of us ( we have 2 children as has BIL and SIL - secondary school age).

Now MIL has decided she wants a trip to America with her boys this autumn for 10 days. For me its s holiday of a lifetime that I would love to go on with DH and the children. I really resent DH going without us. Its not MILs money I am after. We both have good jobs and can afford to go to Anerica if we saved up. We also have quite a few holidays a year together so I am not suffering on the holiday-front.

Also relevant I think -about 5 years ago I found that DH had had a 10 year affair with another woman which included lots of "business travel". We have stayed together and our marriage is good but I fetl he has seen a lot of the world without me already!!

AIBU for refusing an older lady a nice holiday and to see America with her boys or can I put my foot diwn and suggest she takes a friend of joins organised group travel?

MIL only ever invites DH and BIL even on days out and arranges it on weekdays when I work and DC are at school

^ as I said, she is very controlling and they are used to jumping to attention for mummy!

I do feel sorry for your children OP, does their GM never see them or take any interest?!

YADNBU

She is being very selfish. Your DH first priority should be his wife and kids and days out etc are fine, I can understand the odd day out just "her and her boys" but weekends away, holidays? You should be invited, you and your DH and kids come as a package. Yes, she's grieving. But she sounds like a problem. Your DH should realise this is a bit beyond what's normal, and it's offensive to leave you and the kids behind. It would be a definite no from me, and maybe you could go for a coffee with MIL and have a chat with her face to face to explain why you're not comfortable with it.

I will assume you know your owns mind and your own tolerances best about the affair so I'm not going to berate you for that unlike some.

However, if it doesn't affect family holiday time and you can afford it then I'd think you a little unreasonable to quibble about that. Could you book a similar trip for the family, perhaps in a couple of years or one with you, the kids and another family?? Maybe a close friend or sister??

If it is literally a case of "I wanted to go there with you and the kids and so you can't" I would think you unreasonable. Besides, adults telling other adults what they can and cannot do isn't really on.

OP if your DH is a pilot even without the 10year affair he would have seen more of the world that you, assume that he works for an international airline. I am not dismissing the affair, but he would have been in the cities anyway without you.

My DH travels for work although not to the extent a pilot does and has been to places I would want to go, not always far flung places, just simple european cities that I would love to visit, but he then comes up with but I've been there and its boring/busy/not somehwere you'd want to go or some other reason not to travel there.

I have a MIL (and FIL) and like you I would be happy for him to take days out with her or odd overnights if his shift patterns are different to yours (as long as he was pulling his weight at home) I wouldn't be happy with a 10 day holiday especially if it was to somewhere I want to go to. If he suggested a roadtrip in the US I would definitely saying not without me.

For context my DH and DC do holiday at least once a year without me - they all ski (I can't) so I choose not to go which is totally different. They also went away last year with PIL for a long weekend and I didn't go (as I had the opportunity to start a new job and didn't want to delay until after the holiday)

No I am not deluded far from it. I am very proud of the very long hard walk we did to save our marriage together of course mainly him. It's not what I want to focus on here. I perhaps shouldn't have included it as it just makes my DH seems a complete shit rather than someone who is living towards his mum, but I did as relevant to me as it triggers emotions which I have not felt for s long time.

DH is not insisting on going and is considering me. My MIL is not controlling at all and I get on with her though we are not very close. I have been with DH since we were 13 do have known her most of my life. She is not a difficult woman.

Its not the fact that this woman wants to go on holiday with her DSs that bothers me - its the fact that on each and every occasion she is EXCLUDING their wives and DC - her grandchildren. It's so pointed and obvious that its offensive.

However, OP would you be prepared to take MIL away with you on holiday? Because your DH may say 'Well if you don't want me to go away with her, then she has to come along with us on our family holidays'. In this case it might be easier to let the three of them go, leaving your family holidays intact. I know which option I would choose!

Of course she's not being controlling. She just wants to go on holiday and the people she would like to take are her sons. If she's been caring for a long time she may not have many friendships or be close enough to people to want to fog away with them. Nor is she unreasonable to not want to go on holidays with her dils or the children - those trips would have a completely different vibe.

It's not like she's making anyone go on these holidays. They are optional!

Everyone has their own personal boundaries and it seems that mil is stepping over the op's with this one. Simple solution is to decline holiday and everybody returns to happy status quo or not decline the holiday but make clear the new boundaries.

All this hysterical nonsense about being controlling is bonkers.

I understood why you included the information about the affair, Milano, it has a definite context. Those posters who are trying to make you feel minimised or 'less than' somehow, should be ashamed.

I think it might be a very nice thing if you allow your MIL and her sons this last holiday together - on the understanding (with your husband) that it is the last time this happens. The next holidays in such a block of time will be spent with you as a family going somewhere.

Is your MIL easy to get along with? Do you think that there would be any benefit in maybe inviting her to the odd family trip somewhere if you are local to each other?

Kudos to you for determining what you wanted in your relationship - and getting it on your terms.

I think a good first step would be for you, your husband and your MIL to sit down and for your H to explain to her how badly he has treated you (for a DECADE) and that obviously it is HUGELY important now that you get time together to work on your marriage.

If he is going to spend all of his time on holiday with other people (be they his mother or his OW) it results in all the time you spend together as a couple being the work/school/house-sorting/life-sorting drudgery and none of the fun stuff.

She has got to understand he's not the good son that she thinks he is, and how she may have had a difficult life as a carer, but you have also had a horrific marriage as a cheated-upon spouse and now you (and your marriage) need some fun, which won't happen if your H is always off gallivanting with other people.

It's hard being married to a pilot. I know. You've no choice but to be the primary caregiver. You parent alone, a lot. Do you ever put yourself first?

I think you're being a bit dog-in-the-manger about you and the children going too. Yes, MiL will be there (it was her idea!) but is that really so bad if you get to go where you would like?

Would SiL be able to afford to go too?

I know you said you didn't want to go with MIL, but that would probably be the best compromise as you would feel less like you've selfishly stood in the way of her trip, and she can hardly complain about your DH bringing his family when she's had it all her way previously. Could you do that and carve out time for a special day out tilt just you DH and the kids would do together during the holiday?

I would also be asking my DH when exactly I was going to be not just considered, but put first in his life.

What sausagerollers said.

OP I'm sorry if I came across a bit harsh, it just stunned me. You have walked a long walk and obviously you are proud of rebuilding your marriage.

You're certainly more forgiving than I would be. :)

A 10 year affair?!!!!! Sorry for all the "!" but I am just speechless. I couldn't come back from that at all. Fuck the holiday dilemmas. Sorry but I just don't see how you can move on from that at all.

I expect your MIL missed out on lots of holidays with her DH. That I am sure she is very sad about,.

However, she should not be splitting family units to have holidays like this. To me it's an offer to all go, or no offer at all.

If you decided not to go, that's your problem, but to exclude wives and children is wrong.

10 years?

A DH that goes on multiple holidays with his mother.

A ten day holiday to the US on the cards?

You do realise how shit this is, don't you?

My dh's aunt did exactly the same with dh's cousins after being widowed. Then when her grandkids grew up a bit she did the same for them. She never invited her daughters in law and no one in the family doubted this was a deliberate snub to them. I'm afraid I would object to being repeatedly left out.

Well, he really has got his cake, and a plateful of jam hasn't he?

Wifey housekeeper at home with the children, both good jobs, nice holidays en famille, his bit on the side to amuse himself on business trips and Mommy dearest organising fabulous jaunts.

Has he ever considered you first? How kind of you to brush his infidelity under the carpet too, so as not to tarnish his image.

DH not insisting on going

Mil not a difficult woman. Nor is MIL controlling.

Put your big girl knickers on and say you would rather he didn't go. Doesn't seem like there will be a big problem if the above is true.

Forgot to add the aunt is a very controlling mil and I think taking the men on holiday without their wives was a bit of 'divide and conquer'.

I am so so so sorry for you OP. Not in a patronising manner, but in a deep and true way. 10 years. That is so profoundly disturbing to me. And that is what you have accepted.

After now reading all of your posts, it's seems that you are just jealous that you were not included.

He either has the experience with you or not at all.

Bringing the affair up in this context makes it seem like deep down you are not truly over it. Especially if he has to continue to prove his loyalty to you, even over his own mother.

Thanks LyingWitch

To the posters who say I should be telling my MIL that son cheated. No I should absolutely not tell her. Why Should I want to hurt her?

I am really grateful for all the responses. Its do helpful

If he's a pilot doesn't he get great discounts on tickets? Surely he can take you on holiday to the US at some point. I know a few people who work for different airlines and I know they've been able to afford long haul trips thanks to their staff perks.

Hi Lem that's true, but the holiday is during term time as that's when my MIL wants to go.