My DH and his holidays with MIL

[milano666]

Have name changed as my MIL might be on here.

Sorry for another MIL dilemma, but it's a big one for me and I need advise and perspectives.

DH dad died a year ago after years of illness. My MIL was his carer for years and more or less stuck in the house with him. Since he died and left quite a considerable sum of money, my MIL has treated herself to lots of days out and weekend aways in Europe taking my DH and his brother. I think this is great and support their time together though I sometimes feel why doesn't she invite all of us ( we have 2 children as has BIL and SIL - secondary school age).

Now MIL has decided she wants a trip to America with her boys this autumn for 10 days. For me its s holiday of a lifetime that I would love to go on with DH and the children. I really resent DH going without us. Its not MILs money I am after. We both have good jobs and can afford to go to Anerica if we saved up. We also have quite a few holidays a year together so I am not suffering on the holiday-front.

Also relevant I think -about 5 years ago I found that DH had had a 10 year affair with another woman which included lots of "business travel". We have stayed together and our marriage is good but I fetl he has seen a lot of the world without me already!!

AIBU for refusing an older lady a nice holiday and to see America with her boys or can I put my foot diwn and suggest she takes a friend of joins organised group travel?

I can see why the affair is relevant to why you don't like it. I also think it's not up to anyone else to say whether your relationship is healthy or not.

Given that you like your mil and she's had a pretty crappy number of years, I'd say he could go but last big trip. If the other days away are on convenient days to you I wouldn't stop them eother

If I were you I'd absolutely insist she waits until the school holidays and he pays for you and the dcs to come along too.

I get that it is a very sad time for your MIL but I still think its a piss take.

Would she not think it strange if (before he died) you went on a family holiday with your DH and DC and invited your FIL without her?

Why do you and your kids not get invited? Has your husband even asked?

I'm I alone in thinking it rather odd that grown men who have their own families are regularly going on holiday alone with their mother?

I really do feel sorry for you op, you have accepted that a decade of your life was a lie and you still choose to be with someone who has done that to you. The mil and DH holiday is really so insignificant in light of the affair. 10 years! I'm absolutely shocked.

I often feel at least some sympathy with the MIL on here, because I have 2 grown up sons, but I think yours is out of order. I can understand she wants to travel now, but she should go with a friend or arrange to travel with a group, or if she wants family then you come as a family. I think your DH should encourage her to strike out, make new friends. My Dad has travelled a lot since DM died and made loads of new friends, joined groups etc, he was her carer and they were devoted and always together.

I see I'm in the minority here. Do you all see there is something wrong with a mum wanting to spend time with his boys after her husband has died? She might just want her little family instead of all the extras.

And the affair is totally irrelevant. Unless you suspect he's not going with his mum and brother.

Why are you keeping DH dirty secret? (the 10 year affair) That's ridiculous, as its affecting everything else, and you are the one who just has to take it on the chin while DH gets a fab 10 day holiday.

I would be absolutely fuming. But then again, there is no chance I would even consider forgiving him considering how hes treated you like dirt for a decade and your marriage is based on lies and him shagging some faceless woman

Massive kudos for you that you are prepared to forgive, its incomprehensible to me, but you are one strong woman to do that, seriously

No chipdip my life was not a lie, It's more complex than that but that is the last comment I will make on the affair bit as whilst relevant to my feelings ( and DH feelings actually) it seems to have contributed to DH just being seen as a complete shit with no considerations to me which is not the issue here at this point in time.

But 10 year affair and you accepted that
I think there lies your problem.

Telling a recently bereaved woman something that will shatter her whole understanding of who her son is and hugely upset her when there is no need is horrible, shitty advice.

Why would you willingly, needlessly upset a third party?

Monstrous.

Ignore the hard of reading/comprehending, Milano, it's terminal, I think.

Can't believe what i'm reading here .
i could not forgive a 10 year affair.

Good for you championnibbler. Neither could I, but this isn't about either of us and we don't know enough about the circumstances to judge. Presumably the op does know and has made a balanced decision.

Is it really a pleasant thing to bash a woman who has been wronged? She has done nothing wrong even if I do think she's being a bit U about the USA trip

MIL has had some weekends with her sons, and can have plenty of time with them, it doesn't have to be 10 days in America. I would never want my son to leave his wife and DC to do such a thing. I think she is being selfish, especially not to invite the OP and the DC (and the other DIL and DC).
I'd say take us as a package - she can have a few evenings alone with her sons, and give the DILS some space too. Though I wouldn't want to be using up precious holiday time with MIL usually, but soon after her loss, I'd do it.

OP, is it that she doesn't like to travel alone, or can't, or just wants some alone time with her sons?

So tell your DH you'd like it to be a family holiday for all of you, therefore it needs to be term time. Or they go the week before half term, say, you fly out in the middle and do a week but they get a few days of just MIL and her sons.

It's not an ideal situation - I find it odd that at GM wouldn't want to take her GCs on holiday, and the deliberate exclusion of her own DS's families seems quite hurtful.

If you really want to go to this place you could insist you all go in the summer, DH can go on his trip again in the autumn with his DM if he wants.

I'd be really upset if DH decided to say go on a trip to NZ or Canada without me, these are places i want to see with him.

What age is your MIL? If she's at an age where these trips are likely to be dwindling then I'd give her a free pass, but if she's young enough to come up with another solution then I'd be telling your DH that this is the last big trip without his family. Your DCs are teens and they aren't going to want to do family holidays for much longer so he should be using his A/L for that.

I think YANBU. Weekends away I can understand but 10 days is too long. And you and your boys are your DH's main priority now, especially in the wake of a long affair.

I'd say no and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

Poor you op, what a horrid position to be in.

Another op where the DH has put you in an awkard postion. As you say, say no and you will be at her funeral thinking you denied her this trip and potentially your DH could feel bitter about it.

And yet, really your MIL but more so your DH are being utterly selfish in saying yes in the first place and not coming to other arrangements.

What did other dil say about it?

I agree with posters who say let him go but make it CRYSTAL CLEAR he has to let her know ENOUGH. This is the last trip.

Its not fair, its really really not.

As for telling her about the affair, if you don't want her to know, I think at the VERY LEAST he should tell his mother he OWES IT TO YOU to be there for you more in the future, as he has HURT YOU IN THE PAST and he NEEDS TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

He doesn't have to hurt her, or go into more details but i think its fair on her to know, something has happened in his life and he needs to be there for you.

Its rude not to include or ask you, its rude not to include your children.

Its rude of both of them to put you in this position.

BTW can you also point her to group travel for her age? cruises etc.

BTW your DH can have a million people ask him to do things, its down to him to say YES OR NO.

I don't think it's rude to want a holiday without the grandchildren. I'd quite like a holiday without my own :)

Holidays with children are very different to holidays with adults. For my own dm's significant birthday I offered her the option of a short break with the children or one without. Initially she chose the former without hesitation. I told her to go and think about what sort of holiday she really wanted: one with the kids where we had to put their needs first and would spend the evenings in and the day doing small person stuff... or a trip where we could please ourselves and go to grown up places like "boring galleries" (according to ds) and out in the evening for a nice meal somewhere with table cloths. After a couple of days to think and a long explanation that it didn't mean she didn't love the gc very much (not necessary to explain, I have eyes ), she would prefer a city break without the children and has always rather fancied Marrakesh.

So I told her she was offensive and a disgrace as a grandmother (through my tears) and booked us all a long weekend in a cottage in Wales. I took dh along too even though he didn't want to come and dm while she likes him isn't close to him because I didn't want him to feel snubbed. Except I didn't. I booked a long weekend in Marrakesh like we all she wanted.

OP only you have the experience of knowing what it is that glues your relationship, I know people who have been through many year affairs and moved on. I definitely agree that there is no need to include your mil in past martial difficulties although it would be completely acceptable to tell her if you considered it beneficial.

My view is that YANBU and that your mil is bu. she is lonely, I get that, but she cannot expect her son's to fill the void left by her dH that is selfish and inappropriate. I think your DH just needs to be more upfront in saying, I have young children and I need to prioritise my wife and them or just say no that won't work for us and repeat ad nausium

My MIL is 65. She has never travelled before FIL died so she has a lot of places on her "bucket list". She is scared of flying and only wants to fly with DH and BIL who are both pilots. Not sure what she thinks they will do if there is an issue. Burst into the cockpit as superheroes

Actually DH is suggesting he will say no, but I guess I know it's for me and that I would get the blame from MIL who is already telling people she is going if I let her have DH.

DIL doesn't mind at all. She has her own family and they go away as BIL is away a lot for work as is DH

OP if your DH is already thinking of saying No then I wouldn't be convincing him otherwise.
You are perfectly entitled to have your own family holidays whilst your DCs are still living at home.

Your MIL hopefully has many years of travelling left and whilst it's nice that your DH and DBIL have been able to accompany her on some of those trips, she may need to learn to overcome her fears around travelling if she intends to do a lot of it.

If she's 65, there could be another 10 years of this at least.

I went away with DM last year. DF doesn't want to fly to 'shit holes' as he calls them. DM and I like slumming it. I checked with DH, that he never wanted to go to China, so he wouldn't mind. It's also probably a one-off. If I spent a few weekends a year doing it THEN went off with her, that would have been different.

I feel for your MIL though. Must have been a rough few years with little joy.