My DH and his holidays with MIL

[milano666]

Have name changed as my MIL might be on here.

Sorry for another MIL dilemma, but it's a big one for me and I need advise and perspectives.

DH dad died a year ago after years of illness. My MIL was his carer for years and more or less stuck in the house with him. Since he died and left quite a considerable sum of money, my MIL has treated herself to lots of days out and weekend aways in Europe taking my DH and his brother. I think this is great and support their time together though I sometimes feel why doesn't she invite all of us ( we have 2 children as has BIL and SIL - secondary school age).

Now MIL has decided she wants a trip to America with her boys this autumn for 10 days. For me its s holiday of a lifetime that I would love to go on with DH and the children. I really resent DH going without us. Its not MILs money I am after. We both have good jobs and can afford to go to Anerica if we saved up. We also have quite a few holidays a year together so I am not suffering on the holiday-front.

Also relevant I think -about 5 years ago I found that DH had had a 10 year affair with another woman which included lots of "business travel". We have stayed together and our marriage is good but I fetl he has seen a lot of the world without me already!!

AIBU for refusing an older lady a nice holiday and to see America with her boys or can I put my foot diwn and suggest she takes a friend of joins organised group travel?

I think it is incredibly selfish behaviour on her part. It seems very possessive, most grandparents I know would be more interested in spending time with their grandchildren than their grown up children to be honest. Obviously she can do both: that is an expensive trip, it would be better to use the budget for it to take every body somewhere closer to home.

Is it possible she sees you and the other DIL as 'outsiders' and doesn't want to spend her money on non-family members. I would hope my partner would realise it is selfish and feel that his own children and partner are losing out by not sharing the holidays.

I don't know the exact whys but I would not be happy with my DH going either. You possibly ABU but I would stand with you in the unreasonable corner!

Has she not got any friends to go with?

YANBU. I agree that a couple of weekends away following the death of your FIL is fine, but for your MIL to monopolise your DH and his holiday time to this extent is unreasonable. If he was a single bloke, fine, but he's got a family and its not just about her going away with her two sons - its about her actively excluding their wives and her four GC - and that is selfish and thoughtless.

I think if I was you I would point out that your DC would love to do that trip as a family and that its not fair for him to keep going away without the rest of you. How would he feel if you went on all these trips with a member of your family and left him at home holding the fort? Might be worth putting that to him to see what he says.

As for the 10-year affair - bloody hell! You'd think he might realise he was skating on thin ice after that. TBH, he sounds almost as self-centred as your MIL.

Forgot to say - if this were reversed and it was my Mum, I'd expect DH to understand and I'd go with her (with the condition that we'd then save and go together as a family at a later date.)

Really surprised at some of the replies on here. This is a woman who has lost her husband after many years of caring for him and stuck at home. Given that they have 2 adult sons this is a presumably a marriage of 25-30 years upwards and people resent her 10 days away with her own children. Yes those children have grown up and had families of their own, but surely she is allowed just this once to just want to spend time with her own children and have time together thinking about happier times, when they were young and their dad/her husband was alive and not ill.

I know they have had weekends away but I imagine given the choice she would have picked the 10 day holiday (had she known that because she has already had weekends away it means the holiday is less reasonable in some people's views I mean) - I don't imagine booking a 10 day holiday was the 1st thing on her mind when her husband died last year. A year on, she is hopefully in a better place to enjoy it and I think it would be nice to allow them that time together.

I'm not saying this should be an on-going arrangement but you could allow just this one last time.

There is another thread this morning about a poster who has sons worrying that she'll be less close when they grow up - and it's probably threads like this that don't help that view, to think that so many people resent a widow this time with her children is really quite sad.

I really don't see how your DH's affair is relevant though - as has been said, he will be going with his mother so it's not like he is likely to cheat again. What he did was absolutely terrible and he is very lucky he was forgiven BUT you chose to forgive him (which I imagine many of us are perplexed at). You can't therefore ban him from every going on holiday again. If you are jealous of the sight seeing he did, book yourself a holiday but please don't punish his Mother because you are still angry about his affair.

I'd imagine that if she's been a carer for her housebound ill husband for years she probably doesn't have many friends. I could be wrong but long term caring does seem to put a terrible strain on maintaining friendships.

YANBU

I think you have been more than understanding with this whole situation.

The odd weekend I can understand but a 10 day trip of a lifetime to America is an absolute piss take.

She is bang out of order for even suggesting it without inviting you and your DC and your DH is even worse for not saying no to her straight away.

Put your foot down OP. They are all being cheeky feckers to even think that this is ok. If you don't start standing up for yourself now then I would hate to think of the holidays they will be suggesting without you this time next year!

How would MIL feel if you and DC came along too? If you can afford to go & pay for yourselves would she not enjoy spending time with her grandchildren too? If she's adamant it's just for DH & BIL I'd be more annoyed.

I'd be inclined to suggest that MIL gets in touch with DH's mistress if she wants a holiday companion- she's obviously good at it.

Your MIL is being self-centred in taking her grandchildren's fathers away but not including GC or DILs.

Your husband is a monumentally selfish arse who ought to be grovelling at your feet and doing everything humanly possible to make up for his 10 YEAR AFFAIR!

In fact I would call to speak to MIL myself and just say that you wanted to confirm that actually is was her that DH wanted to go on holiday with, rather than his longstanding mistress.

I can see the relevance of the affair in that it's another way in which the OP's DH has had overseas experiences without her or the DC, and now he's doing it again but with MIL rather than the OP and the DC. A bigger pile of straws has build up from the affair than if he hadn't done this previously.

If you can't stand the thought of doing the trip with your MIL, then you can't - but yes, you might be being unreasonable in that, depending on what she's like and whether you're wanting to keep it to "nuclear family" just because, rather than any rational reason. If there are rational reasons, then not so much.

Could he stagger two holidays there? Go first with you and DC and overlap a few days with his mom? Either you all overlap, or you and DC fly home without him?

Otherwise, I think I'd put my foot down.

Does your MIL include you & your DC in other trips/activities or is it always just your DH/BIL?

If you are excluded from all the above then YANBU to be seriously pissed off!

If however, you do plenty of other stuff as a family and these MIL and sons trips are not impacting your finances of leaving your DH without enough annual leave to do things with you and your DC then I'd be more relaxed/accepting of the situation

I would see this as DH prioritising another woman (OW then DM) over you and your feelings, he has done and is going to do most of his overseas travel without you, his DW. YADNBU and I would be extremely cross if it were me and I would be questioning my marriage if it were me, I see holidays as something to do as a family, with DC,both him and his mum should be wanting the dc to see America as well as themselves, I think they are v selfish.

I think it's a bit weird and "off". Why can't you all go with children included?

I don't want to go with MIL on holiday so if we were paying I would want to just be us

^^this changes my view somewhat. No I don't think you are unreasonable to feel this, but in light of this, and the fact you MIL needs company on her holiday, I think you should be ok for DH to go on his own.

Also agree with pp that your DH can go to the same place twice, it will be completely different with his DM (or mistress ) than with you and the DC..

When my father died, my sisters and I spent a lot of time with our mum- weekends and short trips away. My DH never objected.

A 10 day trip to America is a different thing but I think I'd be ok with it as long as it didn't become a yearly thing.

As a one off, it's giving her something to plan and look forward to.

Well, you can never 'make up' for something like a ten year affair. He isn't a good DH: he isn't your DH at all by every single yardstick most sane people would consider important in a marriage. He's separate, he's for himself, and you've obviously got your reasons for continuing to live with him as if he were your real life partner, so I think that to survive within that and not end up entirely despising yourself, you need to think more like him. He acts for himself: so do you. If you don't want to hurt MIL, let him go, for her sake. Your time would be far better spent anyway flexing your 'solo' muscles - learn to enjoy time without him, to flourish, and to be unashamed in spending time and energy on yourself and others you love at his expense. To be blunt, it might stand you in good stead if he gets another better offer and ends up ditching you in later life - it happens time and time again, and it's more likely to happen (and for you to be entirely in the dark until it does) with a man like this than a normal, loyal partner.

So I'd be strategic here and say, great, you go now, me and the children and X friend/family member will go later, without you. Yes we can afford it, and I think I'd quite like a few of those lovely solo, marriage-free memories of great travel trips that YOU have such a rich memory of. Redress the balance somewhat.

Oh- and if you read this and think 'What! But I wouldn't want to go without him, it wouldn't be a real family trip, etc. etc.'... then I'd say, you're making yourself very emotionally vulnerable here. Stay with him if you must, but know him for what he is (not was for ten years, fundamentally IS) and learn to love life without him. Just in case.

10 years

Wow. How would you ever begin to rebuild trust? Sorry, I accidentally shagged another woman for 10 years. You It meant nothing to me.

I can't imagine myself as either a DM or a DMIL doing this, ever. Since FIL died we have taken MIL on holiday with us alternate years - our idea. sadly none of DH siblings take the hint and offer similar so the other years she either goes with her sister or not at all. Last year she treated the whole wider family to a holiday together - lovely idea but I must say we were a litle peeved at not even being consulted over dates and venues, it was just booked and then announced with a big ta-da! the point is, there is nothing wrong in OPs MIL wanting to spend some holiday time with her sons. but why exclude their wives and children? why not suggest you all go for this once in a life time memories building holiday, 3 generations together, given money is not an issue. She could even offer to pay x amount towards you all coming if she wanted, without it being blatantly "I am paying for my son only, you need to pay for you and the children"

i would not like this at all, but i have read stranger on MN, like adult DC all being taken off for parents wedding anniversary weekend/big parental birthday do etc, and spouses never being invited.

as an aside, the affair - did MIL know about/facilitate/defend this episode? I'm wondering if you dont trust that she is not secretly enabling him to go off again?

I think its really sad that some of you think a widow is selfish for wanting a 10 day holiday with her sons, after years of caring for her sick husband.

Would you all abandon your own mums so readily?

Does the fact he went overseas with his mistress annoy you more than the fact he had an affair for 10 years?!

That's the way it reads.

And as a young mother now, I'd love the thought of going away with my children in 25 years, so I think YABU, due to the fact you still holiday with your husband anyway and aren't missing out.

Thanks again everyone. To answer a couple of things- MIL only ever invites DH and BIL even on days out and arranges it on weekdays when I work and DC are at school.

MIL does not know of the affair. I trust DH, but as the holidays were a big part of this affair it matters. He is a pilot, she was cabin crew. It was a fuck buddy I think you call it arrangement while away on long haul with weekends thrown in very convenient. It's behind us, I am not emotionally vulnerable though I would also read my posts and think the poor woman, what a doormat.

DH works funny hours so holiday time not an issue for him.

And to add I am also a mother of boys so I don't want to be the bad DIL at all. I also read the other thread about being mother of boys and those fears too.

sunshine, i would feel exactly the same about my own mum as MIL doing this, yes. Why should she demand that DH devotes 2 weeks of his holiday allowance to swanning off having a ball while I am stuck at home with the DC?

it is not the wanting to spend time with them that is a problem, it would be fine if the family were included. BUt she wants her sons to herself - i think it's a dreadful example to set the grandchildren actually. This is nothing about family closeness or respect for the older generation, or even her deserving a nice holiday after being a carer, it reeks of control and selfishness. Her boys are expected to still put their mummy first and do as she says. She trumps their wives. i doubt they ever stand up to her. If they tried she would play the poor misunderstood greivng widow card, I bet.

A fuck buddy for TEN YEARS? Gosh, you are deluded.