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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH and his holidays with MIL

141 replies

milano666 · 14/03/2015 11:17

Have name changed as my MIL might be on here.

Sorry for another MIL dilemma, but it's a big one for me and I need advise and perspectives.

DH dad died a year ago after years of illness. My MIL was his carer for years and more or less stuck in the house with him. Since he died and left quite a considerable sum of money, my MIL has treated herself to lots of days out and weekend aways in Europe taking my DH and his brother. I think this is great and support their time together though I sometimes feel why doesn't she invite all of us ( we have 2 children as has BIL and SIL - secondary school age).

Now MIL has decided she wants a trip to America with her boys this autumn for 10 days. For me its s holiday of a lifetime that I would love to go on with DH and the children. I really resent DH going without us. Its not MILs money I am after. We both have good jobs and can afford to go to Anerica if we saved up. We also have quite a few holidays a year together so I am not suffering on the holiday-front.

Also relevant I think -about 5 years ago I found that DH had had a 10 year affair with another woman which included lots of "business travel". We have stayed together and our marriage is good but I fetl he has seen a lot of the world without me already!!

AIBU for refusing an older lady a nice holiday and to see America with her boys or can I put my foot diwn and suggest she takes a friend of joins organised group travel?

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 14/03/2015 15:05

I find it sad that people think it strange that a mother would think of going on holiday with her sons. Daighters always go away with mums and dads go on golfing holidays with sons. Adult time is completely different to grandchildren time. However I can't see why OP doesn't go too - she seems to get on with MIL.

anothernumberone · 14/03/2015 15:07

Itwill it is the 10 days that form the basis for my objection. Short trips away with parents or even a one off longer trip is absolutely fine. Ongoing long trips are not suited to family life.

SunshineAndShadows · 14/03/2015 15:08

As we've established that your MIL is neither controlling nor particularly selfish, and you generally have a good relationship, I'd be taking your lead from your SIL.

Ask your husband to make this the only/last big trip. Give your poor MIL some quality time with her sons and draw a line under it afterwards.

Don't let your own resentment or insecurities cloud your judgement

Losingmyreligion · 14/03/2015 15:08

YANBU. It's weird, inappropriate, manipulative and selfish.

rookiemere · 14/03/2015 15:09

I don't think it's a bad thing to happen occasionally itwill, if it was a one off holiday then I think OP should grin and bear it - it seems though like it's been a constant drip, drip of city breaks, days away without spouses and DCs, all deliberately excluding the DS's families.

Given the OP's recently discovered marital issues I'm not surprised she has a problem with it. The DH should be putting his DW first, also it's great that DM wants to explore the world, but it's unfair on her to expect her DS's to have to accompany her on every trip.

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 15:12

OP I don't think you're a doormat.

My advice to look to yourself was the most practical I could come up with.

No matter what state you now consider your marriage to be in, it makes utter sense to protect yourself emotionally as much as you can in the future.

Incidentally, if your DH is as good a man as you are very generously prepared to believe he is, then you shouldn't be worrying at all about MIL blaming you - because he wouldn't be allowing that to happen, even if it meant a degree of throwing himself to the wolves:

'Mum, I won't go into details but I'm telling you now that you are utterly wrong to snipe at DW and refer to her 'letting you have me' - I'll be making my decision to go, as DW has NEVER done anything other than be supportive and prepared to consider the whole family in decisions like this. If I hear you be disparaging like that again, I won't even consider going - you should be so pleased to have a DIL like her, you don't know how lucky you are. Especially since I've done a lot to hurt her over the last few years. A lot. And she has forgiven me. I owe her everything, and although she would NEVER stop me going, if I feel MYSELF that it's too much to ask, I'll not be coming with you.'

Why is the reformed character who is prepared to do anything to make you happy after all the lies not saying stuff like this, so that you are protected? Doesn't want to 'hurt' his mum? If the truth hurts, we all know it'll hurt him more than anyone. I'd take note of that.

And my advice is the same - I don't think you're stupid or a doormat, but I do think you would be wise to make a plan B for the future. It's simply good sense when someone has shown you so shatteringly what they are capable of.

Sausagerollers · 14/03/2015 15:25

I advised the OP to get her H to tell his mother about the affair so she could understand Why it was so inappropriate for her son to be going off on jollies without his family, not to hurt her.

The OP was worried that she would be blamed for putting her foot down over this trip, when anyone who has knowledge of the full facts can see that it is the H in this scenario who has had it waaaaay too good for waaaaay too long, at the sacrifice of the OP.

If the H (understandably) doesn't want his mother to know what a shit he is then he shouldn't drop his morals with his trousers could use Sylvanians way of explaining his reasons for not going and keep his dirty secret to himself.

rookiemere · 14/03/2015 15:33

Given that the MIL has no interest in including her DIL or GCs in these excursions, I'm not entirely sure that the revelation that one of her Golden Children had an affair a number of years ago would be quite the Damascus moment that you think sausage. I'd imagine she'd shrug her shoulders and go so what and wonder what it had to do with her and her nice holidays with her DS's.

OP you said you didn't want to go away with MIL at all. Why is that? If you could manage to offer one trip together then it could be a bit of a compromise and a way forward without appearing to be a meany.

Debinaround · 14/03/2015 15:36

Can she not just go with BIL if SIL is fine with it? Why does she need them both?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/03/2015 15:58

It's obviously very sad that your MIL spent such a long time caring for her DH before he died. My mum did similar and she now goes on holiday with friends plus has now met someone else. It seems like you're okay with the weekend trips but less keen on the 10 day holiday to the USA. You're therefore not depriving your MIL of holidaying with her son, they can clearly have further weekend trips, but I don't blame you at all for feeling off about a (nearly) two week holiday. Presumably those 10 days are when he's not working and could be at home supporting you (or enjoying days out together while the kids are in school). This is what would annoy me the most, especially if my DH worked away a lot anyway leaving me as the primary carer.

Unfortunately when your kids grow up and have their own partners/families then the time has passed for you to take them (alone) on 10 day extravagant holidays.

Your DH needs to know the boundaries of what you feel is acceptable (possibly in light of his previous behaviour and TBH he just needs to suck it up). He benefitted for 10 years seeing the world with another woman, and he now needs to be making up for those 10 years by seeing the world with you. Finding out where you want to go and making those visits special, not seeing them first with his mum.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 14/03/2015 16:02

but she cannot expect her son's to fill the void left by her dH that is selfish and inappropriate. I think your DH just needs to be more upfront in saying, I have young children and I need to prioritise my wife and them or just say no that won't work for us and repeat ad nausium

YY and hopefully in future he can say this.

CocobearSqueeze · 14/03/2015 16:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 14/03/2015 16:11

SylvaniansAtEase Sat 14-Mar-15 15:12:12

100% agree, YY.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 14/03/2015 16:13

Actually DH is suggesting he will say no, but I guess I know it's for me and that I would get the blame from MIL who is already telling people she is going if I let her have DH. Your dh needs to be putting her striaght on this.
And agree she needs encouraging to travel with others.

Original poster
milano666 · 14/03/2015 16:32

Thank you all for posting. Its been very helpful. I think I IABU and will let them go to the US in the condition that me and the boys go with DH in the spring. I will also chat to DH and ask why we are never invited to anything. We often invite her with us and then she is always busy but she doesn't wantto intrude on our family time and sort of end up doing it in a different way.

I think this thread became a bit clouded by DH affair as people then assumed things about our marriage and us as people a bit too much.

Thanks everyoneCake

OP posts:
Marchhairy · 14/03/2015 16:41

I've been away with my mum and sister - just in Europe and pre-dc. My mum then wanted to take me and my sister to New-York. DS was about 18months and me and DH have always wanted to go to New-York. I said no- too far, too long and not fair on DH when we wanted to do it together.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 14/03/2015 16:49

Actually for MN I think people have done well to reign in their shock and given you some great advice I hope it all works out.

MotherofA · 14/03/2015 16:54

Urgh mother in laws ! I find them so odd ! Why would a fully grown man want to go on a holiday with his mother and brother when he has a family of his own ? The wrath of a mothers guilt hey ! I would say that you should tell him you are going even if you have to pay for yourself! X

Joyfulldeathsquad · 14/03/2015 16:58

I might have missed it but why can't op go with them? I don't see a reason for the holidays to stop at all as long as the whole family unit go. I'm really not into family members being excluded for 'quality time'

Losingmyreligion · 14/03/2015 17:22

OP, SIL and DCs not invited, Joy.

juneau · 14/03/2015 17:25

I'd be interested to know whether the OP's DH actually relishes the idea of 10 days in the US with his DM and DB - maybe he's hoping you'll raise objections so he doesn't have to go! I just know that a 10-day holiday with either of my parents would drive me round the bend.

MumToFourCats · 14/03/2015 17:25

I think this thread became a bit clouded by DH affair as people then assumed things about our marriage and us as people a bit too much

Well you mentioned it, dear.

Charlotte3333 · 14/03/2015 17:28

Not invited? Ridiculous. Anyone rational would include Grandchildren and partners/spouses. This just seems odd. And not because I'm against holidays with in-laws; MIL here comes away with us often, in fact we're away with her over Easter. But her going away with just 'her' boys seems divisive and deliberately spiteful to the rest of you.

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/03/2015 17:29

Warning bells!
Your MIL is setting her sons up as substitute husbands, shown by exclusion of daughters-in law and grandchildren.
Let this one go, as you are right she is setting up blame lines for you if you make difficulties, but prevent future long holidays without you and the children.
You have been very supportive and sympathetic following FIL's death; now she needs to start her own independent life.

Moreisnnogedag · 14/03/2015 17:31

She mentioned it to explain some of her feelings towards him being away, not for her to be pitied and patronisingly told how she's a fool for staying in her marriage.

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