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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore the upstairs neighbour banging on his floor about crying baby

420 replies

MrsHende · 14/03/2015 08:04

Baby hates getting dressed and usually screams her way through the 5-6 minute process. Twice our upstairs neighbours has banged on their floor, presumably because of the noise. Both times were after 7.30 and before 8am, once this morning and once last week, on a week day.

Who IBU?

(My mum thinks I should change the baby in a different room, possibly the best solution for everyone's blood pressure!)

OP posts:
QueenOfTheAlley · 15/03/2015 11:01

What happens when your DC are constantly fractious due to being repeatedly disturbed by neighbour's baby?

What if their school bus crashed due to driver being sleep deprived?

What if your DC's education was suffering due to teacher fatigue?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 15/03/2015 11:05

If someone has such severe issues with sensitivity to noise that their health is being affected by it, it's their problem to address. Not the rest of the world's responsibility to be quiet around them.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/03/2015 11:10

The bus will crash because someone's baby cried for a few mind at 730am,yes

Andrewofgg · 15/03/2015 11:11

ProudAS^ I expect that even in the Stone Age there were adults who found that the night's sleep they needed before the next day's hunting and gathering were disturbed by the noisy baby in the next cave. They had to suck it up then and their descendants have to suck it up now.

SaucyJack · 15/03/2015 11:12

I think you're contradicting yourself a bit tbh. Babies always have cried, and always will. There isn't a way for evolution to "catch up" and stop them getting on everyone's nerves.

Bunbaker · 15/03/2015 11:16

Judging from the posts on this thread it looks like some people have a higher tolerance to the sound of crying babies, and some have zero tolerance. I don't think being told to "suck it up" is very helpful.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/03/2015 11:20

No you're not b.u. It's hardly shocking that babies cry is it. However neither is your upstairs neighbour being entirely Unreasonable. He/she could have been working all night got in at 6am and been woken by the baby crying.

Andrewofgg · 15/03/2015 11:42

OK Bunbaker so suck it up is harsh (it's a phrase I learnt from MN!) so perhaps I should have said accept it as part of normal life and not worth complaining about.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 12:04

In answer to the OP. I would pop up and say. "Sorry you were disturbed. As you can imagine we are doing our level best to settle her. We will also try not to change her directly below your bedroom. Please could you not bang though as it makes her more upset. If you do need to mention anything then it's better if you pop around. Also ear plug might help..."

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/03/2015 12:06

Probably worth taking DD up look cute as they are likely to tolerate if they she her as a real person and not just a noise.

trufflesnout · 15/03/2015 12:17

If she's been irritating them I doubt they'll find her very cute Grin

theboatisleaking · 15/03/2015 13:21

Yes I doubt they will find her cute. It's presumptious to assume everyone will find your baby cute and therefore be more tolerant. But I agree OP should go round... she needs to apologise profusely, empathise, explain she's doing all she can and ask them not to bang. IMO anyone who is unwilling to take above steps should not be raising a baby in a flat as they clearly lack respect for others and would be better in a house where they don't have to think about neighbours. Living in flats requires a high level of sensitivity, respect and empathy. If there is nuisance noise coming from your flat (whether it's your kids, dog, washing machine, party etc) you need to aknowledge the impact on neighbours and yes you owe them an apology... even if it's a crying baby. It's still YOUR baby and it's still upsetting them.

As parents we should try to remember what it was like before we had kids... why should the students upstairs know anything about babies or know that all babies scream and cry? Unless they've had their own it's not 'normal' noise at all its just an irritating high-pitched shrieking that wakes them up!

MorgansMummy24 · 15/03/2015 13:32

Unless you can afford to live in a detached house then noise nuisance is something you hAve to put up with! Could complain to whoever the landlord/ housing association but I can't see anyone being evicted for a crying baby Hmm

ThatCuckingFat · 15/03/2015 13:34

she needs to apologise profusely

No, she doesn't. She cannot control her baby crying. And nor should she have to tiptoe round because upstairs cannot tolerate 5 minutes of noise at 7.30 am.
And I will say it again, unless you want to pay for a detached home, you are going to hear noise from neighbours, be it a flat, terraced house or a semi.

Why should upstairs know that all babies scream and cry?
Because that's what babies do?! And everyone knows that?
Honestly never heard such a load of shit in my life.

JellybeansInTheSky · 15/03/2015 13:36

OP, I really don't think you need to apologize profusely to your upstairs neighbor. I think if anything they owe you an apology for banging on your ceiling.

I feel that some of the posters on this thread have an unusual and some what unreasonable perspective.

A friends mother was getting seriously stressed out by noise from neighbors (not baby related) and had cognitive behavioral therapy which helped no end.

Binkybix · 15/03/2015 13:38

I definitely knew that babies cry a lot before I had one. I was a childless neighbour in our flat and then became the one with the baby. I apologised a few times when he was being particular loud because I did feel bad. Equally though if they were aggressive (banging) my sympathy would have stopped pretty quickly.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 15/03/2015 13:41

Even people without children are aware that babies cry. Honestly to God, the day I profusely apologise for a simple fact of life will be a sorry day indeed. Adults really shouldn't need these simple facts of life explaining to them or expect an apology for them.

Anyone who thinks it's unfair to others to raise a baby in a home where there's a chance the neighbours might hear it (this is not exclusive to flats and includes any semi or terraced home) needs a serious reality check. A huge number of people will never be able to afford a home like that, regardless of how hard we work. Having children is not something I personally feel that only the well-off should be allowed to enjoy.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 15/03/2015 13:41

theboat before I had DD I was pretty aware that babies cry. Most students are. The first thing most of my friends said when I announced my pregnancy was 'hello sleepless nights and endless crying'.

theboatisleaking · 15/03/2015 14:46

Many people without kids don't realise you can't always stop a baby crying. They assume you are neglecting it or not attending to it. Until you have a baby you don't really understand how difficult it is to stop them crying at night. The students above OP probably have no idea, which is why her explaining, apologising and empathising would help smooth things over.

I don't think you need a detached house to avoid disturbing people. We managed fine in a maisonette and terrace with babies, now we're in a semi so still have shared walls... if you're respectful and understand neighbours' layout there shouldn't be a problem.
I appreciate it's more difficult in a poorly-soundproofed 1-bed flat with neighbours on all sides and that's why I don't think this type of flat is a sensible choice for someone with a baby. If you chose this type of flat it's inevitable you'll disturb lots of other people, unless they're all in same boat. How would you feel if your neighbour decided to get a noisy puppy and it barked at night, wouldn't you think this type of flat is unsuitable for a puppy? What if she told you she couldn't do anything to stop it barking because it's only a puppy, and said it's all your fault for being noise-sensitive? Would you accept this as 'normal household noise'?

I think it's very selfish to dismiss how noise affects people. Sleep deprivation is proven to affect your immune system, health, concentration, ability to drive safely. As other poster pointed out, sleep deprivation leading to road accidents is not a joke.

ThatCuckingFat · 15/03/2015 15:10

theboat a family wouldn't be evicted from a flat because they have a baby, even though you think flats aren't suitable for babies, there's no law against it. You could contact a council about the noise but they would do and could do nothing about it as it falls into the catergory of normal living noise and is not deliberate.
If you have a problem with the noise of a baby it is up to you to deal with it, or move if you wish to, as it is a free country.
Anyone who doesn't know that babies just cry sometimes lives an extremely sheltered life. You have to have grown up in the woods to not know that babies cry to communicate and parents do everything they can think of to settle the baby. Puppies are not the same as babies, what a ridiculous argument.
Having parties and loud music playing is selfish. Having a crying baby is not selfish.
Honestly you sound like the most self centred neighbour to expect an apology from people with a baby. Let's assume the students living upstairs never make a peep shall we? I'm sure they are noisy from time to time without stopping to think first about the neighbours with a young baby.

theboatisleaking · 15/03/2015 15:35

ThatCucking... when our babies cried in night we apologised to neighbours. After a terrible week when DS was teething I went round with a box of chocolates. It helped create a good rapport and they were more tolerant. You'd be surprised how many people without kids think babies stop crying in night after a few months! Or think you're doing something wrong.

Raising a puppy in a tiny flat is not so different to having a baby. In both instances it's a choice you make, a huge responsibility, and you owe it to your neighbours to keep noise down.

ThatCuckingFat · 15/03/2015 15:51

you owe it to your neighbours to keep noise down
Yes, tomorrow at 6am shall I explain to my 5mo when I am changing a dirty nappy that he needs to keep the noise down?
I frankly would not give a shit in such a situation that the neighbours might think I am 'doing something wrong'. I do my fucking best as a parent to look after my child and to minimise crying. Babies do, eventually, grow out of it.
If we had a party, I would go round to tell neighbours beforehand with a bottle of wine and apologise in advance, and say we will try to keep the noise down. I am not going to go round to theirs with a grovelling apology every time my son cries, nor do I expect them to do so with their child.
When I've seen them in passing I have said 'sorry if you heard the crying last night, I hope it wasn't too bad' and they always reply 'no problem, he can't help it can he?' Because they are fucking normal people and don't think the world revolves around them.

ThatCuckingFat · 15/03/2015 15:56

And with regards to raising a puppy - you can be told to get rid of the puppy if it causing a noise disturbance, or be evicted from your flat if neighbours complain. (In rented accommodation)
You can't be evicted for having a baby crying, and you can't be forced to give your child up for adoption because it's bothering the neighbours.
Buying a puppy and having a child are pretty different things.

honeycrest · 15/03/2015 16:16

"I appreciate it's more difficult in a poorly-soundproofed 1-bed flat with neighbours on all sides and that's why I don't think this type of flat is a sensible choice for someone with a baby. If you chose this type of flat it's inevitable you'll disturb lots of other people, unless they're all in same boat. "

I would be of the opinion that if you are someone who is going to be affected by the day to day noises of living then a flat isnt a sensible choice for you either. It's totally unreasonable to expect complete silence when living in such close proximity to others. I don't see why everyone else should change their lifestyle to suit them. I understand though that a lot of people don't have much choice about where they live (including parents of crying children) so if they are noise sensitive then it's up to them to take measures to deal with that. There are earplugs, white noise machines etc. There is absolutely nothing that can be done about a baby crying.

trufflesnout · 15/03/2015 16:17

I don't think OP should apologise really. If she wants to acknowledge to the neighbours that she understands the noise is annoying then that's one thing, but tbh I doubt they were even banging because of the baby after re-reading OP's posts - I think it was probably a coincidence.

And hearing n-door's baby cry isn't frustrating because you weren't aware babies cried, it's frustrating because it's a very annoying noise, one you had no idea would be there when you moved in, and one you have no control over stopping. It's natural to find it irritating.