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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow DDs BF to stay over unless she is on contraceptives

150 replies

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:14

DD has been on and off the pill since she was 16, she is now 19. She first went on it due to heavy periods. During this time she has had 2 boyfriends, who I assumed she was sleeping with as she has stayed over at their houses and the present one has stayed here a few times, in her room. She also went on holiday last year for a week with her boyfriend.

It came to light last week that she is no longer on the pill as she says "its bad for her body". I told her I thought that she needs to look into alternative methods of contraception. She then said she had no need as she was a virgin and intended on staying that way. I said that was fine, but that it was best to be on some kind of contraceptive "just in case". She argued it was her body, her choice, which I agree with, but I do not think she is being sensible.

I then said that if she was not on contraceptives her bf was no longer allowed to stay over. I find it very, very hard to believe she is still a virgin as she has been with the present lad for 2 years and they have been on holiday alone etc. She also has a supply of condoms in her room. Plus I cannot see any 20 year old lad waiting for sex in this day and age, unless he is religious, which is not the case. Cue big fuss about not trusting her and that I was being ridiculous. I told her how easy it was to get carried away and I just want her to be safe.

I am also concerned about why she would lie about beign a virgin if she isnt and also if she is that she has some kind of issues aorund sex as I imagine a 19 year old virgin is a rare thing thesedays.

I am at my wits end of how to deal with this tactfully and appropriately.

OP posts:

Jackieharris · 12/03/2015 13:18

If she is using the condoms I think it's unreasonable to force her to take hormonal contraception.

DealForTheKids · 12/03/2015 13:21

She's 19 years old. I'm sorry, but you need to take a huge step back and let your daughter make her own decisions. She is (and has been for years) fully responsible for both her own health and medications and her own sex life as she sees fit.

tumbletumble · 12/03/2015 13:21

I can understand your DD not wanting to take hormonal contraception - I hated it. If she's got condoms in her room and she's using those then that's OK isn't it?

SpringBreaker · 12/03/2015 13:21

You do realise she is an adult and fully able to make decisions about her own body?

trashcanjunkie · 12/03/2015 13:21

Keep your schnech out, it won't help, ultimately it is up to her, and the staying over thing is a red herring. She can get just as pregnant in nightclub toilets I'm afraid.

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:22

I was told by a family planning doctor that condoms alone are not adequade and only about 80% effective with normal use. This was when I myself was using condoms as my only method and I was given a lecture.

I am not forcing her to do anything. Its her body. I am simply stating that her bf is not allowed to stay here as condoms are not adequate when you 100% do not want a baby.

OP posts:

Ejzuudjej · 12/03/2015 13:23

Tough one.
I think you are being very sensible, but she is technically an adult so does get a say...
Would she consider any other form of birth control?

RunningInTheCorridors · 12/03/2015 13:24

At her age, I'd be using more than 1 form of contraception if I really didn't want to get pregnant.

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:25

She is (and has been for years) fully responsible for both her own health and medications and her own sex life as she sees fit.

Yes, but she is not fully responsible for supporting herself. She still lives at home. If she gets pregnant it will be me and her dad left footing the bill and probably holding the baby!

OP posts:

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:27

At her age, I'd be using more than 1 form of contraception if I really didn't want to get pregnant.

Me too. I was a young mum myself and know how easy it is to get pregnant at 19, even when on the pill!

OP posts:

tumbletumble · 12/03/2015 13:28

DH and I have been using condoms for 17 years with no unplanned pregnancies (and three planned ones - so no fertility issues). I realise that's anecdotal, but condoms are meant to be 98% effective aren't they? I once had a condom split (with a former boyfriend not DH), but as it was obvious what had happened I went to get the MAP.

DealForTheKids · 12/03/2015 13:28

Telling her that she can't have a person around unless she takes the tablets you want is effectively blackmail.

If you really want to ban her boyfriend from the house then go for it, but I'll guarantee you it's the quickest way to get her to move out. Frankly if I were in her shoes I already would have done. A friendly chat about contraceptive options, if she's amenable is fine, but this is just far too intrusive for a grown adult.

DealForTheKids · 12/03/2015 13:30

Billie, you are well within your rights to say that you wouldn't support a resulting baby, that doesn't mean you get to police what happens in her bedroom (or frankly the park, because as pointed out upthread it's just as easy to get knocked up outside the house...)

Fairylea · 12/03/2015 13:30

I would imagine she said she's a virgin as discussing sex with your mum as a teen is pretty embarrassing. Although she may be a virgin - I was until 18 despite having boyfriends. Maybe she's just waiting for a while. Who knows.

I understand you're worried but I think you're a bit too involved. She's 19 and an adult. I think as long as she knows all the ins and outs then for all you know she could just lie and say she's on the pill. I think if she's using condoms then that's fine and I'd let her boyfriend stay as I wouldn't want to alienate her.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 13:31

'I was told by a family planning doctor that condoms alone are not adequade and only about 80% effective with normal use. This was when I myself was using condoms as my only method and I was given a lecture. '

And you took this ignorant person's word as law? I'd have walked out and reported that person for spouting absolute nonsense to me.

IKnowRight · 12/03/2015 13:32

Oh, 19, I thought you were going to say 16 or maybe younger

She's an adult so her method of birth control,including abstinence, is her choice. They may well not be having full "proper" sex, there's plenty of other ways to enjoy each other without the risk of pregnancy.

If you have no objection to her having a sex life other than the lack of hormonal contraception, then I think you have to back off. At 19 she's old enough to make an informed choice herself. Hormonal contraception is really not for everyone - I had to stop taking it myself when I turned into Angry McAngry from Angrytown on a permanent basis.

As for the 80% thing - I think this is probably low if condoms are used correctly. It's when they're left on too long afterwards, not put on properly etc etc that the effectivity drops.

DazzleU · 12/03/2015 13:32

I was told by a family planning doctor that condoms alone are not adequade and only about 80% effective with normal use

Pretty sure it higher protection that that - were they pushing another form of contraception at you when they were telling you this ?

Just because he not stopping over doesn't mean they are not having sex - so other than getting her back up at with a change in rules based on your preferences for her contraceptive choices- not sure it would do much.

A less confrontational talk - about consequences of pg now and alternative contraceptives might work better - but that depends on your relationship with her.

At 19 - my contraceptive choices were none of my mother's business and I resented the few attempts she made to find out what I was doing. Mind you in my 30's I have a MIL who thinks she has some say - she goes about getting me sterilised which I think is a massive over stepping of boundaries and none of her business as does DH.

madwomanbackintheattic · 12/03/2015 13:33

If your problem with her is financial, rather reproductive, deal with that.
As a grown woman, she gets to have autonomy over her own body.
As the householder, you get to have autonomy over who lives there.

Friendly advice is good. Blackmail is bad.

I have no idea why your virgin daughter has been on and off the pill for three years? Was that forced on her at 16 by you as well?

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 13:33

'I was a young mum myself and know how easy it is to get pregnant at 19, even when on the pill!'

If you don't take it properly. Taken properly, it is very rare to get pregnant on the combined pill.

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:33

but condoms are meant to be 98% effective aren't they?

18% pregnancy rate with typical use. You have been very lucky. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Condom

OP posts:

JanineStHubbins · 12/03/2015 13:33

She's 19. She's an adult woman. She has the right to decide what she chooses to put in her body, including hormonal contraceptives. I think you should back off.

mrssmith79 · 12/03/2015 13:33

You appear to be far too (inappropriately) vested in your ADULT daughter's sex life. Back off. Just because you pay the bills it doesn't give you the right to dictate her choice of contraception. You're perfectly entitled to be a hypocrite and stop her bf from sleeping over but I can guarantee it won't end well for you.
Oh, and incidentally, it's possible to get pregnant in places other than your bedroom.

Jessica147 · 12/03/2015 13:33

She's 19 years old and you are trying to control what form of contraception she's using?! Condoms are very effective at preventing pregnancy, with the added benefit of preventing the spread of STIs.

YABU

Fleecyleesy · 12/03/2015 13:33

I'm shocked at your post. You are trying to force another adult to use hormonal contraceptives. Your dd is right, they certainly can be bad for your body anyway.

Instead of trying to constructively force her, you need to work with her. Eg talk to her about using condoms carefully, properly etc, making sure no semen goes in places where it could cause pregnancy, thinking about her cycle and avoiding having sex when she's ovulating....etc

I know you're her mum and it's your roof etc but omfg hormonal contraception is medication and it most definitely should not be forced/coerced onto people. It's her choice.

redexpat · 12/03/2015 13:34

Im pretty sure that condoms are 96% when used consistently and correctly

Its her body, her choice. You can decide who stays over as its your house. But i think your approach needs a rethink. its not based on trust at all. Why dont you belive dd? Why would she feel the need to lie to you?

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