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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow DDs BF to stay over unless she is on contraceptives

150 replies

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:14

DD has been on and off the pill since she was 16, she is now 19. She first went on it due to heavy periods. During this time she has had 2 boyfriends, who I assumed she was sleeping with as she has stayed over at their houses and the present one has stayed here a few times, in her room. She also went on holiday last year for a week with her boyfriend.

It came to light last week that she is no longer on the pill as she says "its bad for her body". I told her I thought that she needs to look into alternative methods of contraception. She then said she had no need as she was a virgin and intended on staying that way. I said that was fine, but that it was best to be on some kind of contraceptive "just in case". She argued it was her body, her choice, which I agree with, but I do not think she is being sensible.

I then said that if she was not on contraceptives her bf was no longer allowed to stay over. I find it very, very hard to believe she is still a virgin as she has been with the present lad for 2 years and they have been on holiday alone etc. She also has a supply of condoms in her room. Plus I cannot see any 20 year old lad waiting for sex in this day and age, unless he is religious, which is not the case. Cue big fuss about not trusting her and that I was being ridiculous. I told her how easy it was to get carried away and I just want her to be safe.

I am also concerned about why she would lie about beign a virgin if she isnt and also if she is that she has some kind of issues aorund sex as I imagine a 19 year old virgin is a rare thing thesedays.

I am at my wits end of how to deal with this tactfully and appropriately.

OP posts:

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:34

I have no idea why your virgin daughter has been on and off the pill for three years? Was that forced on her at 16 by you as well?

The doctor put her on it for heavy periods.

OP posts:

leedy · 12/03/2015 13:35

"And you took this ignorant person's word as law? I'd have walked out and reported that person for spouting absolute nonsense to me."

Was just going to say the same thing - I used condoms as my only form of contraception for years and never had an unplanned pregnancy (and some planned ones, so they didn't just seem to work because I'm infertile or anything).

SirVixofVixHall · 12/03/2015 13:35

I know quite a few 19 year old virgins, so I find you not believing your dd a bit of a surprise. Also condoms are much safer than 80% if used properly, I think the stats are in the high 90s. ( My Best friend and I have both never used anything else).

DazzleU · 12/03/2015 13:35

Me too. I was a young mum myself and know how easy it is to get pregnant at 19, even when on the pill!

A good starting point for a concerned talk - what happened to you and perhaps pointing out that you might not be amenable to supporting and GC - or would not automatically be amenable. You can't dictate though - only advise at that age.

Lovemycatsandkids · 12/03/2015 13:37

Totally understand your concerns op.

My advice would be to relax, she's 19, keep all communications open including the chat about what would happen if she got pregnant and don't he afraid to tell her as it is!

It's all fine for her to play the independent woman but tell her if she gets pregnant it's then her issue to deal with, obviously with your support but that you won't be taking over. Her body her choice is fine as long as she's prepared to step up to the concequences.

Let him stay over. Condoms worked for 4 years for us with no issues. There's always the morning after pill too.

My teen dd (16) has the implant with added tablet and it's fantastic. No periods and no worries.

Best of all keep talking to her and of course listening.

Banning the bf is just logistics. If they want to have sex they will somewhere else.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 13:38

Another one who used condoms exclusively for years and years. Very effective when used properly.

Fuckup · 12/03/2015 13:38

What if she wants to get pregnant? its her choice. You are being unreasonable, but are within your rights.

IKnowRight · 12/03/2015 13:39

If it's so easy to get pregnant on the pill, why are you insisting that your daughter take it?

If she's been sexually active for a number of years and is not yet pregnant, I think you can safely assume that whatever it is she's doing (or not doing if she's a virgin) is working.

Why wouldn't you think the boyfriend wouldn't wait? They could be happily blowing each other off for all you know. No babies, no lost virginity, lots of fun on holiday.

leedy · 12/03/2015 13:40

Agree that a concerned talk is fine but you can't try to coerce another adult into taking hormonal contraception. It's powerful medication - works fine for some people, but some people's bodies really do not react well to it (I'm one of them - have had to rely on barrier methods and am about to get a copper coil).

Also baffled as to why you think she's lying about being a virgin.

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:44

My teen dd (16) has the implant with added tablet and it's fantastic. No periods and no worries.

I think I will say this. Your choice, but also your issue if you get pregnant and I will not be supporting you or giving up work to look after a baby.

Implant is very sensible and what i would prefer my DD to be on as I feel its the best option. I wasnt 100% thrilled with her just being on the pill TBH.

Sensible advice. Thank you.

OP posts:

Lovemycatsandkids · 12/03/2015 13:45

Yes surely she wouldn't lie about being a virgin? She's 19. Could understand if she was 14. She can't be embarrassed at that age so she must be telling the truth. Why wouldn't she?

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:47

Also baffled as to why you think she's lying about being a virgin.

I just can't see young lads being prepared to wait in this day and age.

OP posts:

GinAndSonic · 12/03/2015 13:47

19 year old virgins are not unusual, my most recent ex was about 19 when he had sex the first time. My husband was 18 when he had sex for the first time. My sister recently had sex for the first time at 21, i know her bf was also a virgin and hes 22.
You cant blackmail an adult into taking prescription medications against their will.

Jennco · 12/03/2015 13:47

I know quite a few boys who are virgins in their late teens and twenties.
My daughter is also a virgin, and I wholly believe her because whilst we are not close, she can and does talk to me about "stuff" I cant imagine for one second not believing her, it sounds awful :(
people can, and do, get by without having sex.
I was on the pill the first time I slept with my husband and he used a condom, it was massively, massively unfortunate that 1) the condom broke and 2) I obviously didnt take it properly after throwing up... so we ended up pregnant (at 18 :o)

I really think yabu and frankly controlling to force her to use contraception and to disbelieve what she is telling you. I would be so sad if you was my mum

Lovemycatsandkids · 12/03/2015 13:47

Yes understand op I felt exactly the same and let's face it the biggest risk to your dds health actually is pregnancy.

And yes I wasn't too keen to be picking up the slack of a young pregnant teen either so I do see where you are coming from here.

avocadotoast · 12/03/2015 13:48

I think you need to take a step back and trust your daughter a little more.

She's 19. She's an adult. Why do you automatically assume she's lying to you?

I came off the pill at 19 because I hated what it did to my body. (It was incredibly bad for my mental health.) I did my research and made my own choices. Since then I've only used condoms and have only ever had two occasions where they haven't worked completely correctly (I'm 27 now). In both cases I took the morning after pill (it wasn't ideal, but I knew what I needed to do).

Hormonal contraceptives aren't for everyone and I think YABU to try and force your adult daughter to put chemicals into her body when she clearly doesn't want to.

NerrSnerr · 12/03/2015 13:49

I thought you were going to say she was 16. No way should you get involved. She is a grown woman.

avocadotoast · 12/03/2015 13:50

Also, OP, even if it was true that "young lads" aren't prepared to wait for sex, why don't you credit your daughter with a bit of sense and trust that she might give someone the elbow if they try to pressure her into sex? I know plenty of people that weren't having sex at 19.

Lovemycatsandkids · 12/03/2015 13:50

jennco your last line was horrible there really.

The op is concerned. And pehaps doesn't feel doing a at her own dd getting pregnant at 18 either.

How is that funny?

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 12/03/2015 13:52

How many 'young lads' do you actually know? Some will be prepared to wait, some won't, like in any day and age.

I'm so glad my mum was never so invested in my sex life. Hormonal contraception isn't for everyone. The fact that the implant works for your other daughter doesn't mean it is suitable for everyone. I know people who have had huge problems with the implant (and the pill, and the coil etc) because we are all different.

A 19 year old virgin isn't at all a rarity. I was with my first boyfriend (I was 16 when we got together, he was 18) for 18 months before we had sex as I didn't feel ready. That was with him staying over.

specialsubject · 12/03/2015 13:52

she's scientifically a bit dumb as the risk of the pill is lower than that of pregnancy - it is actually pregnancy that is worse for your body. So probably worth an adult chat to ensure she knows fact from myth and doesn't think shagging standing or withdrawal are contraception.

but it is indeed her choice. As what goes on in your house is yours. And yes, it needs to be clear that as she is chancing pregnancy (as everyone who has sex does) then she needs to face any consequences HERSELF.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/03/2015 13:54

I think you'd be out of line to insist on her taking the pill or banning the boyfriend. Likely consequences:

she'd start to distrust you and your relationship would deteriorate
she'd start to spend more time at her boyfriend's house/other people's houses where she could see him in peace
if they are having sex, they could start meeting up in places more risky than her bedroom (and I'd suspect that properly safe sex is trickier in a car/behind the pub than in the comfort of her room where as you admit there is a supply of condoms)
she moves out

As a previous poster said - whatever she's doing, it seems to be working. If you want to make it clear that any pregnancy will be hers to deal with, that's totally fine. But banning the boyfriend, assuming no other problems, seems counterproductive.

As to whether she's not having sex at all/regularly - why not? For all you know she's not keen/he's not keen/one of them has some physical issue that makes it impossible. I had a friend who didn't have full sex for years because she found it incredibly painful, for example. Or she might (ironically enough) be concerned about not getting pregnant so they stick to oral sex, or anal sex, or any other kind of sex they damn well please :)

Honeydragon · 12/03/2015 13:58

I don't think Jennco was being horrible and has a point.

And there are rather a lot of respectful twenty something year old lads out there who aren't demanding penetrative sex from long term partners

leedy · 12/03/2015 13:58

"she's scientifically a bit dumb as the risk of the pill is lower than that of pregnancy - it is actually pregnancy that is worse for your body."

Oh for heaven's sake. Just because pregnancy is more likely to kill you than the pill it doesn't mean that everyone should be on the pill by default as it's "less bad for them".

I am well aware that pregnancy is riskier for me than the pill, having had severe pre-eclampsia on my last pregnancy that actually did nearly kill me: I am still medically advised not to use hormonal contraceptives because I get horrific (if not actually life-threatening) side effects from them, including (variously) constant bleeding, panic attacks, depression, and non-stop thrush. But hey, they're less likely to kill me than pregnancy so clearly I am "scientifically a bit dumb" to use condoms instead. Please feel free to call my doctor "scientifically a bit dumb" as well, I'm sure he'll like it.

LeBearPolar · 12/03/2015 14:00

When I was 19 (and at university) my father gave me almost exactly the same lecture: having gone through my bedside drawer , he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think it was enough to use condoms and that I should be on the pill.

I have never forgotten this and I have never forgiven such a gross invasion of my privacy. I am in my 40s and I still resent him for this act.

Just so you know the likely impact of your actions on your DD and are prepared for the possible effect on your relationship...

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