To not allow DDs BF to stay over unless she is on contraceptives

[Billie33]

DD has been on and off the pill since she was 16, she is now 19. She first went on it due to heavy periods. During this time she has had 2 boyfriends, who I assumed she was sleeping with as she has stayed over at their houses and the present one has stayed here a few times, in her room. She also went on holiday last year for a week with her boyfriend.

It came to light last week that she is no longer on the pill as she says "its bad for her body". I told her I thought that she needs to look into alternative methods of contraception. She then said she had no need as she was a virgin and intended on staying that way. I said that was fine, but that it was best to be on some kind of contraceptive "just in case". She argued it was her body, her choice, which I agree with, but I do not think she is being sensible.

I then said that if she was not on contraceptives her bf was no longer allowed to stay over. I find it very, very hard to believe she is still a virgin as she has been with the present lad for 2 years and they have been on holiday alone etc. She also has a supply of condoms in her room. Plus I cannot see any 20 year old lad waiting for sex in this day and age, unless he is religious, which is not the case. Cue big fuss about not trusting her and that I was being ridiculous. I told her how easy it was to get carried away and I just want her to be safe.

I am also concerned about why she would lie about beign a virgin if she isnt and also if she is that she has some kind of issues aorund sex as I imagine a 19 year old virgin is a rare thing thesedays.

I am at my wits end of how to deal with this tactfully and appropriately.

"would not have waited for sex back then at 16 either"

Well bully for you. That doesn't mean that nobody else can. I managed to be in a relationship at 16 that was definitely sexual without PIV sex.

Also even if your DD's boyfriend is gagging for vaginal intercourse and "can't wait for it, no, please, you have to let me, I'll leave if you don't", IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO. A relationship where have sex with your partner to "keep him" even when you don't want to isn't one where you've avoided "relationship problems", it is a relationship problem. Also a bit rapey.

I find that very hard to believe. I would be seriously pissed off if a long term partner refused sex, and I am a woman.

I guesses I must have been lucky when my sex drive nose dived when we had very young babies. DH was very understanding and supportive.

Mind you I was 18 and he was 19 before we lost of virginity - I don't think we fit into your world view.

" my attitude is dont have a boyfriend if you are not ready for sex"

I am actually really angry at your attitude now.

And if he has sex with her when she doesn't want to, is that OK? Because "having a boyfriend" == "consenting to sex". Jesus fuck.

sex. Just as if I would not start dating, if anything were to happen to my DH, unless I was ready for sex

So my point is still correct then.

Sex isn't a relationship. It's a wobbly sweaty somewhat pleasant bonus.

I think your dd is somewhat sensible to shut down lines of communication on this one.

Incidentally is her father joining in these discussions?

don't have a boyfriend unless you want to have sex? seriously? how about wanting to spend time with someone you like, with whom you can share pass times and get to know each other really well without the pressures of "performing" physically. that growing friendship may or may not lead to full sex eventually but dating someone should not automatically = sex on the cards, just like being married to someone does not mean having to be up for it every day!

Leedy, me too. Please come join me on the fucking fuming bench

Ok ok, I'm going to ignore all of the 'they must be having sex talk' and say how would you feel if someone was trying to force you to take hormones for their own convenience?

Hmm. Why don't you just buy her some spermicide, get her a leaflet on non-hormonal contraceptives such as the copper coil and the femidom, and leave her to it?

If you think that all men are thinking about is sex (which is frankly insulting) Then I think that you can also expect him to have thought about contraception.

No, my attitude is dont have a boyfriend if you are not ready for sex. Just as if I would not start dating, if anything were to happen to my DH, unless I was ready for sex.

She is 19. Perfectly normal for a bf to expect sex.

You're my mother's ex-boyfriend, and I claim my £5. Just so you know, my mother can't keep a confidence when she's drunk, and so I know of all your speculations about my sex-life as a teenager, and how unhealthy a lack of it would be.

Nick, I never dared say this at the time, but, feck orf .

Also even if your DD's boyfriend is gagging for vaginal intercourse and "can't wait for it, no, please, you have to let me, I'll leave if you don't", IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO. A relationship where have sex with your partner to "keep him" even when you don't want to isn't one where you've avoided "relationship problems", it is a relationship problem. Also a bit rapey.

I have to say when she told me it did cross my mind that if she truely doesnt want to why is she sharing a bed with him and putting herself at risk of rape? It does worry me that one day her bf may not take no for an answer, especially after a few drinks. Although I am aware rape does just not happen in a bed.

I think you're taking the piss now, Billie?

Op - are you worried that deep down your DD might actually want to get pregnant ?

But if not - presumably she wouldn't be sharing a bed with the man if she thought he was a potential rapist, whether or not they usually had sex.

Ignore that, had missed the last few messages.

Um, you do know people can have sex in the day-time don't you?

Even if you were being reasonable (and you're not if she's 19) stopping him from sleeping in her bed won't stop them having unprotected sex if they want to.

So now you've got him pegged as a rapist-in-waiting??? And her as some sort of bed-sharing rape-triggerer???
Are you honestly for real?

No, my attitude is dont have a boyfriend if you are not ready for sex. oh OP, that's quite sad. There's a lot more to most relationships than sex.

Plus OP, you said you had a DC young, was that an accident? Knowing your parents had an accidental pregnancy tends to push their DCs one way or another, but it's ot unheard of for DCs wanting to avoid making their parents' mistakes, including waiting to be sexually active if their parents didn't and it went a bit wrong. (even more so if you've conviced your DD that perfectly safe contraceptive methods aren't, and the only thing that can work is something that makes her ill).

on the other hand, she might well not be a virgin, but as you've shown yourself to be a great big boundary crosser and the sort who thinks her adult DCs sex life is her business, I can see why she now feels she has to lie to you to shut down conversation.

She's an adult, if she gets pregnant accidentally, I'm sure she'll deal with it like an adult. If she realy wants a baby, then all your fussing won't make any difference, just mean that you aren't someone she'll be able to talk to about it.

" if she truely doesnt want to why is she sharing a bed with him and putting herself at risk of rape? It does worry me that one day her bf may not take no for an answer, especially after a few drinks."

Wow, you really have a high opinion of your daughter's boyfriend, don't you? She can't be a virgin because he must be demanding sex, and if she hasn't given in yet, clearly she's at risk of him just raping her instead. You actually sound like some kind of rape apologist: "what was she doing in bed with him if she didn't want it, you know what men are like, can't stop themselves", etc. etc.

Also, as said repeatedly upthread, PEOPLE CAN DO CONSENSUAL SEX THINGS THAT ARE NOT PENIS IN VAGINA. I BELIEVE LESBIANS FIND IT LOTS OF FUN.

FFS. Again.

Or else you're trolling, in which case fuck off.

Op - are you worried that deep down your DD might actually want to get pregnant ?

Yes. I think she is attention seeking. She reminds me so much of myself at her age. I got pregnant to shock and I also made up stories.

DH says best thing to do is ignore her. Try not be be shocked at anything she says. Just carry on as normal.

"I also made up stories"

OH RLY

why is she sharing a bed with him and putting herself at risk of rape? It does worry me that one day her bf may not take no for an answer, especially after a few drinks.

WTF -

The (name changed or new shiny) ops dd and dds dp seem to grasp something the op does not.

Forcing an unwanted pill into someone through physical or emotional force is assault.

Forcing an unwanted penis into someone through physical or emotional force is assault.

Jesus, the op sounds like she'll be slipping her dd some rookies and sticking Depo in her at this rate "for her own good"*

• taken from The Big Book of Abusers Catch Phrases.

I think she is attention seeking.

Not being on the pill is attention seeking - really ?

I think I'm with leedy.

**roofies

Dear god OP, you don't trust your adult DD to make her own contraception decisons, and you assume all men to be potential rapists? Even a long term bf who she is happy with and who is happy not having PIV? Men just can't help themselves right?

I wish your DD the best of luck in her relationships, hopefully she has more sense than you seem to have.