Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DDs BF to stay over unless she is on contraceptives

150 replies

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:14

DD has been on and off the pill since she was 16, she is now 19. She first went on it due to heavy periods. During this time she has had 2 boyfriends, who I assumed she was sleeping with as she has stayed over at their houses and the present one has stayed here a few times, in her room. She also went on holiday last year for a week with her boyfriend.

It came to light last week that she is no longer on the pill as she says "its bad for her body". I told her I thought that she needs to look into alternative methods of contraception. She then said she had no need as she was a virgin and intended on staying that way. I said that was fine, but that it was best to be on some kind of contraceptive "just in case". She argued it was her body, her choice, which I agree with, but I do not think she is being sensible.

I then said that if she was not on contraceptives her bf was no longer allowed to stay over. I find it very, very hard to believe she is still a virgin as she has been with the present lad for 2 years and they have been on holiday alone etc. She also has a supply of condoms in her room. Plus I cannot see any 20 year old lad waiting for sex in this day and age, unless he is religious, which is not the case. Cue big fuss about not trusting her and that I was being ridiculous. I told her how easy it was to get carried away and I just want her to be safe.

I am also concerned about why she would lie about beign a virgin if she isnt and also if she is that she has some kind of issues aorund sex as I imagine a 19 year old virgin is a rare thing thesedays.

I am at my wits end of how to deal with this tactfully and appropriately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:35

and the only thing that can work is something that makes her ill).

It didnt make her ill. In fact now she is having to deal with the heavy periods and bad skin again due to some scare story she read on the internet. She was on the pill originally for medical reasons and it helped her a lot.

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 12/03/2015 14:37

It doesn't matter what her reasons are. If she doesn't want to take the pill, THAT'S HER CHOICE.

MaryWestmacott · 12/03/2015 14:37

OP - nicest possible way, if you're not a troll, do you think you might actually be a bit of a drama llama? Seems like you've got yourself all worked up about something that's none of your business and not actually an issue. You've crossed boundaries most people know are there, you're worrying about someone else's sex life.

Original poster
Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:39

Have reported this thread for deletion. Should have posted in teens as finding some of the comments quite distressing

OP posts:
Honeydragon · 12/03/2015 14:40

Then you shouldn't have posted in teens either.

The only distressing comments are your own, op.

JanineStHubbins · 12/03/2015 14:41

Yep, OP, your comments are by far the most offensive on this thread.

reni1 · 12/03/2015 14:41

I expected this thread to be about a minor from the title.

You can of course say she will have to deal with a potential baby herself, financially, emotionally and logistically. You can also ban her boyfriend from overnight stays, although in the process you might convert "home" into "somewhere I sleep until I can afford to go".

You can not dictate her contraceptive or any other medical choices and it is quite breath-taking you even try. Condom safety is neither here nor there, it is simply none of your business what a grown woman does in bed and your lack of restraint and trust risks undermining your relationship.

PuddingLlama · 12/03/2015 14:44

Jesus, normally I'm polite, but you are coming across as incredibly rude and frankly stupid.

You have been offensive about your own daughter, who has complete control over what she does and does not put inside her own body (including a penis might I add!). She doesn't sound at all attention seeking by deciding what form of contraceptive she chooses to use.

You've also implied that men cannot simply do without sex and therefore contemplate raping someone they love just because she wont put out, and that a boy is quite right to EXPECT sex from your daughter, I can't even begin to describe how utterly wrong your line of thinking is.

How stupid was I to not have sex with my boyfriend for the first year, I was so silly to not realise I'd be turning him into a rapist.

I'm so angry at you.

Theas18 · 12/03/2015 14:46

She's 19! Her choice.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/03/2015 14:46

"finding some of the comments quite distressing"

Aw, poor you! imagine how your poor DD would feel seeing this conversation? or her bf (the one you don't trust not to rape her, but he can still sleep over as long as she's on the pill, so at least she won't end up preggers when he can't control himself)

Original poster
Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:49

Please stop commenting. I have asked for this thread to be deleted as this is bordering on abuse now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:50

Hiding the thread now as just been shown how to do that.

OP posts:
steff13 · 12/03/2015 14:50

Rape isn't really about sex (or lack of sex), it's about power. Most men are not rapists, and would not resort to rape, even if they're denied sex.

Arsenic · 12/03/2015 14:50

Abuse!? Confused

Lemondrizzletwunt · 12/03/2015 14:51

The pill also won't prevent HIV herpes or any other STI. Are you really more worried about her getting pregnant than catching HIV?

Honeydragon · 12/03/2015 16:42

It was deleted. It appears MNHQ changed their mind, good on them, for being in favour of women having control over their bodies.

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 16:52

I feel for this young woman.

reni1 · 12/03/2015 16:53

If you find things on here offensive, OP, imagine what dd's bf would think of you accusing him of being a possible rapist is incredibly malicious.

Good on MNHQ for un-deleting this thread.

reni1 · 12/03/2015 16:56

it's

IKnowRight · 12/03/2015 17:03

Has your dd's bf ever given you any indication that he can't be trusted with your dd's safety? If so, you should be talking to her about that. PDQ, a she's in an abusive relationship. He should be banned from teh house for that, not because she's not on contraceptives.

If not, then wtf? I don't get the attutude that they MUST be shagging whether she wants to or not - because if she doesn't put out then he would leave her because that's what all men are like. I just don't. Whether they are or not, it's their business.

I quite agree that if you don't want to end up responsible for any potential child, then you should make that clear and that is more than fine, that is your choice. Has she given you any indication that she would accidentally get pregnant then dump the baby on you?

I find your whole way of looking at this a bit skewed tbh.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 12/03/2015 17:03

Just a thought but maybe she is having sex, just not in a way that would get her pregnant, if you catch my drift.

That would also explain the fact that she can claim to be a virgin and to her at least, it wouldn't exactly be a lie.

Fairylea · 12/03/2015 17:08

What an odd thread.

Op you have very strange attitudes to sex. No one has the right to expect sex or demand it, however old they are or whether they are in a relationship or not.

Even if your dd shares a bed with her boyfriend butt naked and snogs his face off it doesn't give him the right to rape her, ever, whatever the circumstances.

Being ready to date and ready to have sex are two completely different things. That's why most teens often start dating many years earlier than they are able to legally consent to sex or are emotionally ready for it.

I am just Confused.

MajorasMask · 12/03/2015 17:20

After reading the full thread I'm absolutely disgusted. I am so glad that my mother allowed me to make my contraceptive and related decisions without fuss and honestly if I was your DD I'd move out just because of your horrendous controlling attitude. You can't have a healthy opinion of relationships whilst believing that she shouldn't have a boyfriend without having sex because he will "expect" it. I feel for you too, you clearly have some sexual hangups that I can't quite fathom, but that doesn't excuse how ridiculous you're being and the poor opinion you have of both your DD and her BF.

Hormonal contraception is something personal to every woman with massive health differences depending on what you take. I don't believe you respect her bodily autonomy at all and you certainly don't believe that men respect women's autonomy. Jesus. If you find this distressing then well I don't really care because that poor young woman in your care needs you to hear this.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/03/2015 17:52

eh? this thread was deleted earlier and now it's back? does that often happen? wonder what the reasoning is behind that?

Arsenic · 12/03/2015 17:59

I never saw that before Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread