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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow DDs BF to stay over unless she is on contraceptives

150 replies

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:14

DD has been on and off the pill since she was 16, she is now 19. She first went on it due to heavy periods. During this time she has had 2 boyfriends, who I assumed she was sleeping with as she has stayed over at their houses and the present one has stayed here a few times, in her room. She also went on holiday last year for a week with her boyfriend.

It came to light last week that she is no longer on the pill as she says "its bad for her body". I told her I thought that she needs to look into alternative methods of contraception. She then said she had no need as she was a virgin and intended on staying that way. I said that was fine, but that it was best to be on some kind of contraceptive "just in case". She argued it was her body, her choice, which I agree with, but I do not think she is being sensible.

I then said that if she was not on contraceptives her bf was no longer allowed to stay over. I find it very, very hard to believe she is still a virgin as she has been with the present lad for 2 years and they have been on holiday alone etc. She also has a supply of condoms in her room. Plus I cannot see any 20 year old lad waiting for sex in this day and age, unless he is religious, which is not the case. Cue big fuss about not trusting her and that I was being ridiculous. I told her how easy it was to get carried away and I just want her to be safe.

I am also concerned about why she would lie about beign a virgin if she isnt and also if she is that she has some kind of issues aorund sex as I imagine a 19 year old virgin is a rare thing thesedays.

I am at my wits end of how to deal with this tactfully and appropriately.

OP posts:

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:01

And there are rather a lot of respectful twenty something year old lads out there who aren't demanding penetrative sex from long term partners hmm

I find that very hard to believe. I would be seriously pissed off if a long term partner refused sex, and I am a woman. You just need to read a few threads in realtionships to see how many problems it can cause.

OP posts:

tumbletumble · 12/03/2015 14:02

OP, I had a look at your link - 18% pregnancy rate with typical use but that includes people who don't always bother using them! Of course they're not going to stop you getting pregnant if you don't put one on!

jennystaffs81 · 12/03/2015 14:02

I got pregnant whilst on the pill 13 years ago aged 19 with my lovely dd.

I was living in my own home though with a full time job.

I guess all you can do is advise her OP, she will make her own decisions, she is an adult, just trust her,

TheMShip · 12/03/2015 14:02

The pill can be difficult for some women. If hormonal contraception is your daughter's concern, might she be interested in the copper coil? It's very effective although can cause heavy periods so may not be suitable given her previous history. It's her choice!

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:03

When I was 19 (and at university) my father gave me almost exactly the same lecture: having gone through my bedside drawer shock, he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think it was enough to use condoms and that I should be on the pill.

I didnt go through her drawer. She told me herself how bad hormones were when I was going for my mirena renewal and tried to put me off. Thats how I found out.

OP posts:

StarOnTheTree · 12/03/2015 14:04

YABU

If DD1 (18) wanted her boyfriend to stay over I would make sure she had condoms, talk to her about other forms of contraception and make sure that she knew how to access the morning after pill and remind her that there are younger children in the house and to keep noise to a minimum

Then I would let her make her own decisions as an adult.

leedy · 12/03/2015 14:04

Of course they're not going to stop you getting pregnant if you don't put one on!

"This condom didn't stop me getting pregnant, even though I had it RIGHT NEXT TO THE BED while I was doing it!"

expatinscotland · 12/03/2015 14:04

'young pregnant teen'

She's 19, not 14.

'So probably worth an adult chat to ensure she knows fact from myth and doesn't think shagging standing or withdrawal are contraception.'

From someone who takes what one ignorant doctor told her years ago as law?

Arsenic · 12/03/2015 14:04

19 is an adult.

YABVU to poke your nose in to this extent.

SpinDoctorOfAethelred · 12/03/2015 14:05

18% pregnancy rate with typical use. You have been very lucky

Not necessarily luck. Maybe, rather than using them "typically", she, like moi, uses them properly?

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:07

From someone who takes what one ignorant doctor told her years ago as law?

It wasnt years ago, it was 3 and the doctor still works at the clinic as I saw her last week. Trusting a medical professional. How stupid of me!

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 12/03/2015 14:08

Hmm, I just used condoms for years as contraceptives and managed to get all the way to my 30s and married before getting pregnant. Most do. It's a perfectly valid choice.

Most teenagers who get pregnant and realy don't want to be have abortions. Accidents happen, but few young woman continue with pregnancies they don't want or feel will be ruinious to their lives at that point.

You've told her you won't look after the baby or support her financially if she has a baby now. So now she knows her position and if she does find herself pregnant (which she'll know is a risk, as one of the wonderful things about condoms compared to other forms of contaception, if it goes wrong, you know about it straight away and can get the MAP), then she makes the next decision with that factored in.

Are you worried because you think she secretly wants a baby now? Or that because you kept your teenage pregnancy you worried she'd feel she had to make that choice? These days, there are very few "unhappy accidents". "Accidents" are either secretly wanted (even if not admited to self), or aborted.

Honeydragon · 12/03/2015 14:10

People don't write about happy well balanced partnerships in relationships. Clearly not all men are bad, or the other MAJORITY of people wouldn't be able to to point out the ops relationship was dis functional.

Your dd is a nineteen year old WOMAN who has autonomy over HER body.

Not you. Not her boyfriend.

you do not have the right to micromanage her in this way regardless of where she lives.

leedy · 12/03/2015 14:11

"I find that very hard to believe. I would be seriously pissed off if a long term partner refused sex, and I am a woman. You just need to read a few threads in realtionships to see how many problems it can cause."

Yes, but you're not IN YOUR FIRST SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. It's a bit different when you're actually demanding that somebody lose their virginity to you. I think if someone came on here saying that they were 19 and going out with another 19 year old, they were still virgins, but you now really wanted to have sex with them, you'd get precious few people nodding and going "ooh, yes, they really need to lose their virginity to you at this stage, I mean, they owe it to you if you're in a relationship, you'll have terrible relationship problems if they don't, they need to get it over with and it might as well be with you" and a lot more "are you sure it's the right time for both of you? Don't pressure him/her" etc.

JanineStHubbins · 12/03/2015 14:11

She's not a young teen, she's an adult. 19.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/03/2015 14:11

He is either allowed to stay over in your house or he is not allowed. You can't blackmail her into taking the pill.

If she falls pregnant she deals with it. She is a grown up. Why do you feel that you will be left to hold the baby? She is an adult woman. Have you failed to furnish her with the capabilities of being able to look after herself?

Honeydragon · 12/03/2015 14:12

Actually, I don't know why I'm commenting when your attitude is that she should fuck her boyfriend to keep him happy.

leedy · 12/03/2015 14:13

Also, yeah, thinking about that, if a 19 year old boy came on here and said they were pissed off because their virgin girlfriend was "refusing PIV sex", people would tell them to Get. A. Grip. (possibly literally) Or something less polite.

Not to mention the fact that there are LOTS AND LOTS OF THINGS that imaginative people can do in bed that can't get you pregnant.

SunnyBaudelaire · 12/03/2015 14:13

as everyone else has said, she is an adult and can make her own decisions.
You can also keep nagging her of course.....

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:13

Yes, but you're not IN YOUR FIRST SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.

I am actually and would not have waited for sex back then at 16 either.

OP posts:

leedy · 12/03/2015 14:14

"I don't know why I'm commenting when your attitude is that she should fuck her boyfriend to keep him happy"

[applauds]

Original poster

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 14:17

Actually, I don't know why I'm commenting when your attitude is that she should fuck her boyfriend to keep him happy

No, my attitude is dont have a boyfriend if you are not ready for sex. Just as if I would not start dating, if anything were to happen to my DH, unless I was ready for sex.

She is 19. Perfectly normal for a bf to expect sex.

OP posts:

DazzleU · 12/03/2015 14:17

Trusting a medical professional. How stupid of me!

They can still have agendas and prejudices.

My GP only want to tell me about coils - and hate removed them for women who find they don't suit. They won't let me go on the pill based on age -despite there being no medical reason for that view. So post DC - nearly 6 years have successfully used condoms with no problems.

In my 20's had a GP push like mad injections at me - they didn't suit me or my needs at that point but he was pushy- I think it was part of some trail.

I also expect this GP deals more with unwanted pg as result of condoms breaking or not being used correctly than encountering people who've used them fine for years.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/03/2015 14:18

as others have said, the 18% failure rate quoted for condoms is a red herring really, because used correctly they are very effective.

that 18% includes all the drunken fumbles where it is not put on correctly or soon enough, not removed carefully enough, all the errors made by the inexperienced, and those who sometimes don't bother using one at all, just take a risk hoping it will be OK.

I think OP IBU - her DD is an adult and has to make her own choices

LeBearPolar · 12/03/2015 14:18

I am actually and would not have waited for sex back then at 16 either.

So glad I wasn't in a relationship with you then Fortunately for me, most of the men I've dated have been very mindful of the fact that sex should be fully consensual and enjoyable for both people and that that means not forcing anyone into anything they're not ready for. And I'd think you'd be surprised by how many young men think like that today and are not, in fact, predatory would-be rapists ready to emotionally blackmail their girlfriends into bed with the old "If we don't do it then I'm breaking up with you" line.

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