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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow DDs BF to stay over unless she is on contraceptives

150 replies

Billie33 · 12/03/2015 13:14

DD has been on and off the pill since she was 16, she is now 19. She first went on it due to heavy periods. During this time she has had 2 boyfriends, who I assumed she was sleeping with as she has stayed over at their houses and the present one has stayed here a few times, in her room. She also went on holiday last year for a week with her boyfriend.

It came to light last week that she is no longer on the pill as she says "its bad for her body". I told her I thought that she needs to look into alternative methods of contraception. She then said she had no need as she was a virgin and intended on staying that way. I said that was fine, but that it was best to be on some kind of contraceptive "just in case". She argued it was her body, her choice, which I agree with, but I do not think she is being sensible.

I then said that if she was not on contraceptives her bf was no longer allowed to stay over. I find it very, very hard to believe she is still a virgin as she has been with the present lad for 2 years and they have been on holiday alone etc. She also has a supply of condoms in her room. Plus I cannot see any 20 year old lad waiting for sex in this day and age, unless he is religious, which is not the case. Cue big fuss about not trusting her and that I was being ridiculous. I told her how easy it was to get carried away and I just want her to be safe.

I am also concerned about why she would lie about beign a virgin if she isnt and also if she is that she has some kind of issues aorund sex as I imagine a 19 year old virgin is a rare thing thesedays.

I am at my wits end of how to deal with this tactfully and appropriately.

OP posts:

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 12/03/2015 17:59

PHANTOM this thread might explain it.

Frankly it was ridiculous that it was even deleted in the first place.

Rightokthen · 12/03/2015 18:17

She's not fallen pregnant yet.
She'll be fine

She could very well move out and then you'd have no say

Jennco · 12/03/2015 18:35

She could very well move out and then you'd have no say

She doesnt have a say over her 19 year old daughters contraception choices now either!

oh and the :O earlier was supposed to be a shocked expression, like it is on facebook : O not a grin!

Jackieharris · 12/03/2015 21:04

*"No, my attitude is dont have a boyfriend if you are not ready for sex. Just as if I would not start dating, if anything were to happen to my DH, unless I was ready for sex.

She is 19. Perfectly normal for a bf to expect sex."*

I'm actually deeply worried about a woman who has this attitude to sex.

It screams of a woman who's in denial about being raped in the past.

ilikebaking · 12/03/2015 21:10

Tell her to get the copper coil. No hormones. I am 24, have it and love it.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/03/2015 21:14

" Add message | Report | Message poster Billie33 Thu 12-Mar-15 14:13:34
Yes, but you're not IN YOUR FIRST SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.

I am actually and would not have waited for sex back then at 16 either."

sorry I'm confused. you said you got pregnant as a teen, yet this is your first sexual relationship?

Honeydragon · 12/03/2015 21:26

No contraception is perfect, that's why it's down to an individual's choice.

As a result of the copper coil I've had PID, and bled so much I ended up seriously aneamic ..... I begged and pleaded for it to be removed but they insisted it couldn't be the coil until they relented and sent me to a consultant who investigated and realised straight away it was. It took surgery to remove it as it was so embedded.

Thousands of women's get on great with it. I was not one of them.

However when my Gp expressed mild contempt that I'd not had another put in when it was removed I had to sit on my hands to stop myself from punching him.

Dukketeater · 12/03/2015 21:33

When I was 19 I rarely had sex at home and in my own bed... Stopping him stay over is unlikely to stop the sex but at least if he does stay and it is at home you know she has access to condoms.

RattieofCatan · 12/03/2015 21:50

YAB-Massively-U. You can't force somebody to use hormonal or invasive contraceptives or bribe them with it. Especially not an adult!

Condoms are 98% effective when used properly, it doesn't take a genius to work out how to use them so your "18%" (10-18% in the wiki page) is crap as long as it's being used correctly.

Hormonal contraceptives were shit for me, I have a 33-35 day cycle, they really fucked me over and it took years for my cycles to level out again. I would have told my Mum to fuck off had she tried to get me back onto them. And either way, even if they gloriously made your daughters life better, it is her choice and her decision as to whether she takes contraceptives that affect her body.

Your attitude is terrifying. My Mum said similar to me about my first boyfriend, which is how I ended up being with somebody who sexually abused me for nearly two years. I sincerely hope that you don't say any of this to your daughter.

Jessica147 · 12/03/2015 21:56

There are a couple of really concerning things on this thread.

Firstly, why one earth should a 19 year old woman not be allowed to decide what medicines she wants to take?
Secondly, the idea that someone 'expects' sex regardless of their partners wishes is repugnant.

The op seems to think that her daughter is either keen for sex or is being pressured in to sex she doesn't want. And her main concern is her daughter's contraceptive choices. Positively barmy!

reni1 · 13/03/2015 12:11

Imagine the young woman's thread in "family planning" about her mother trying to dictate her what contraception to use!

Mrsjayy · 13/03/2015 12:17

Oh for God sake she is. 19 and if any babies pop out of her they are her responsibility not yours

PuddingLlama · 13/03/2015 12:31

You've essentially given the opinion that if your daughter doesn't put out then her boyfriend is okay to force himself on her and your main concern wouldn't be your daughter, but the baby you may have to raise.

Your daughter actually sounds incredibly mature, and I hope for her sake she is capable of moving out sooner rather than later.

steff13 · 13/03/2015 12:39

sorry I'm confused. you said you got pregnant as a teen, yet this is your first sexual relationship?

I took it to mean that the OP is still with the first guy she was ever with, her high school sweetheart or whatever.

EstRusMum · 13/03/2015 13:02

YABU. You have no right to disrespect her like that by forcing pills on her.

Morelikeguidelines · 13/03/2015 13:06

You cannot force another adult to take hormonal contraceptives even if you are worried about financial consequences of a pregnancy.

Condoms have always been fine for me.

I hated being on the pill which I was aged 19. If someone had tried to force me to stay on it I think that would have been wrong. Some people have stronger reactions that others to hormonal medication.

reni1 · 13/03/2015 14:20

OP has left a while ago, but I do hope this thread will be read by young women in a similar situation to her daughter, it might give them the courage they need to insist on their right to do with their own bodies as they see fit. The OP's daughter seems mature and brave, not every young woman would dare to stick up for herself and of course if somebody grew up like this she might not know just how unusual this is.

Aridane · 13/03/2015 14:40

YABU.

this threads reminds me a little of the deleted (troll) thread about the mother posting about her virgin son, with the mother being totally sex obsessed...

NeedABumChange · 13/03/2015 14:56

She could well be a virgin still. There may be medical reasons why they haven't had sex, with either him or her. I know plenty of people who were late starters due to reasons like this.

Breezy1985 · 13/03/2015 14:57

I find it amazing if god forbid you are for real that someone like you has raised such a sensible adult!

sosix · 13/03/2015 15:00

I think you need to back off. You have discussed with her. Shes an adult. Must be hard though.

londonrach · 13/03/2015 15:00

Yabu for reasons mentioned before.

TheBooMonster · 13/03/2015 15:01

I have to admit, I find the OP's stance to be quite distressing! At the end of the day it's possible to be in a relationship where wanting to wait until you're ready is a respected decision whether you're the male or the female in the relationship, and if a partner can't respect and accept that decision, then you should probably be questioning whether you should be in a relationship with them in the first place...

Not all young men are sex craved maniacs, and for the OP to insinuate that her daughters boyfriend should be expecting sex and that her daughter should be giving into that expectation shows a lack of respect for both her daughter and the man she's in a relationship with!

momb · 13/03/2015 15:03

^what everyone else said.
She's an adult. Her body, her contraceptive choices.
It's your house and you can decide who stays there but to make this decision based on whether your adult daughter is taking medication is wrong.

Would you be behaving like this if your Mother was living with you? Or a close friend?

MagicMojito · 13/03/2015 15:15

I know you've hidden thread but I hope to god your DD does the very wise thing of moving out and getting away from you OP, you have a very dangerous and damaging view of relationships.

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