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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 12:53

I agree. OP you have years to come when your DD will be making you cards and buying you bars of chocolate with her pocket money, and that's where the real sentiment behind Mother's Day will kick in. This year, I would celebrate her arrival with all the mothers in the family. It's a nice thought by your MIL.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 10/03/2015 12:59

Do what you want to do on your first mother's day - your mum and Mil have had a fair few already. This is your first - it is special - do what you want to celebrate being a mum. This year, above all years, is really all about you. Simples.

CaptainTripps · 10/03/2015 13:00

Don't understand why people 'fall for' these commercial days e.g. Mothers' Day / Fathers' Day / V. Day etc etc etc. Ad infinitum.

It is just a day. We all fall for it and spend £4 on tacky cards. We may go out for pricey meals complete with limited menu and put up with chucking out time after 2 hours to get the next lot in at your table.

It gets worse each year. Oh the frenzy and the angst. It's just a day. Make it your own on a different day if needs be.

WiggleGinger · 10/03/2015 13:03

YANBU AT ALL

I was adamant I wanted to spend my first Mother's Day with DH & DD, and I did!
The following year & subsequent I have had to forget that I'm a mum too.... MIL forgets this & very much makes it all about her, with a throwaway 'oh yeah happy Mother's Day Wiggle'
My DM forgets too & expects things from the kids as well as me! And doesn't acknowledge my role!

Tbh it gets a bit much.
I would just like a day where I could do my own thing without running around the country for dinner & tea!!!!
(Which I realise I could do in other days but we are regularly 'visiting' family anyway!)

Thymeout · 10/03/2015 13:11

Op - is your mother at your Dmil's every weekend? I thought your mil was including her to make it an occasion for the three mothers?

Just a thought, I hope you're going to turn down the invitation personally. Don't get your Dh to do it, as is often recommended on these threads. It will make things worse.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 13:16

If it was a genuine well meant invite, then the person it was issued to is the person to decline. And there should be no problem with a decline. Unless it's less of an invite and more of an order.

Why do mils plans supersede OP and DH's plans? Which were made first from the sounds of it.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 13:17

Supercede!

pinkisthenewpink · 10/03/2015 13:26

Yadnbu

It's your first Mother's Day after trying for a baby with fertility issues. I bet the past few mothers days have been tinged with sadness and worry about whether you would ever get to enjoy this day as a mother yourself. You are now a mum and one lunch with you, your baby and your DH is not too much to ask. Like the previous poster, I would speak to both your mum And your mil and just say your reasons. You'll be seeing them later, it's not that you are excluding them from the celebration.

Next year do something all together, but this first one IS an important milestone. So what that your baby won't know or care? So what if it's a "hallmark" occasion (bah bloody humbug!)?

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 13:35

I don't think posters were using the expression Hallmark Day in a bah humbug way. They were pointing out to the poster that it wasn't worth getting too territorial about the day.

slithytove · 10/03/2015 13:45

Maybe someone should point that out to mil

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 13:53

But all she's done is suggest that the three families have a meal together on Mother's Day. She hasn't demanded it. There's nothing territorial about what she's done. If OP wants to refuse, fine. But some of the posts on here are a bit OTT, almost advising the OP to go into battle with her MIL, don't give in now, etc etc. as if it's some kind of war with a stand off required.
It's just Mother's Day, designated by Hallmark as some kind of day for presents and meals out and expensive cards.

Original poster

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 13:54

Why do you think its me being territorial instead of mil? My own mother is happy with the arrangement me and dh have made.

OP posts:

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 13:55

I was talking about some of the advice you're getting on here OP.

funkyfoam · 10/03/2015 13:59

I too think that the OP post saying anyone who didn't agree with her was a MIL who expected the world to revolve around her. That is very unkind and I'm sure untrue. Some of us obviously enjoy family get togethers and don't quite understand this preoccupation with it 'being just us' on occasions that have extended family written all over them I am not yet a MIL but am aiming to be an exemplary one!

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 14:12

Why do you think its me being territorial instead of mil? My own mother is happy with the arrangement me and dh have made.

Because unlike your husband, your daughter is too young to take you to lunch on Mother's Day

Therefore, the job seems to have fallen to your DH except you're not his mother.

This is what I think some people get mixed up about mother's day.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 14:15

I agree Worral. People are meant to treat and spoil their mothers on Mother's Day. Not take each other out to dinner, and tell the mothers they're not welcome.

Original poster

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 14:21

Worra - so because my dd is a baby that means im not entitled to a mothers day? What a skewed way of looking at it. So when do I qualify for a mothers day Worra? When dd is 1? 5? Can scribble? Write her own name? When shes 10? When?

OP posts:

Pilgrimforever · 10/03/2015 14:21

YANBU
DH and I must be terrible children.
In the 19 years we have had our own children we have never spent mother's day with our mums.
We spend plenty of time with them throughout the rest of the year and don't see what's so important about one day.
As a mum myself it really wouldn't bother me if my DC didn't see me on that day when they are older.
OP has already said that they were going to see both mums later in the day anyway.

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2015 14:23

Dear god

When your child is old enough to appreciate what mother's day is all about

I mean what with mother's day being a day for offspring to show appreciation to their mothers.

I'm not entirely sure why you don't appear to understand this?

Original poster

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 14:25

Paintedgarden. Read the whole thread. No one has told my mil shes not welcome.

OP posts:

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 14:27

Normally OP, when your child gets to about 3 or 4 you will start to get drawings and homemade cards for Mothers Day. When they're a bit older they will buy you little presents with their pocket money, or insist on making you breakfast (and setting the toaster on fire). Then as teenagers you will get a shop bought card and a box of chocolates. And when they start working you will get lunch out or flowers and stuff.

It's not really about being 'entitled' to a mother's day. It's about your children being at an age when they can start making gestures to mark the day.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 14:28

I'm not entirely sure why you don't appear to understand this?

Because being a new mother is a feeling its a sensitive topic, if you cant imagine how op feels about her first born, the issues she had to get here, the fact she nearly lost her, then perhaps its you who has understanding issues, Dear God.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 14:28

No I know you haven't told her. I didn't mean it literally, just that it's been made clear you want to have the celebration meal without them.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 14:29

You seem to be assuming, Alpacino, that none of us disagreeing with the OP have also had our issues re having children.

Original poster

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 14:29

Seriously worra? What a sad notion. What about children that arent able to comprehend mothers day or are unable to express their appreciation? Is that mother not entitled to a mothers either?

OP posts:

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