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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers Day

367 replies

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 09/03/2015 16:07

Its my first Mothers Day with my dd (after serious fertility issues, she was a long time coming) and I would like our lunch out to be just me my husband and our dd (we would visit pil and my mum later that day) My mil wants us all to go out together which would include
my pil and my mum. My husband thinks we should but I dont want to. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thymeout · 10/03/2015 08:29

Yes, funky. I've thought that, too. Very short-sighted, given the fact that families will need inter-generational help more than ever in the future - given the cost of childcare and people living longer.

And sad. I feel for mil in this situation. She's not muscling in on a private celebration. She's trying to arrange a family meal with 3 mothers present, which makes it much more of an occasion than 'our own little family' going out for lunch, which they can do any weekend.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 09:59

Sometimes I think that some of these posters might wish they had done things somewhat differently when their own children grow up and abide by these learnt rules.

not really, its clear to see why most dils have been put out, and simply being respectful of your own dc asking what they want rather than sending out dictates is a good start. same with keeping lines of communication open rather than issuing orders, to staff.

She's not muscling in on a private celebration. She's trying to arrange a family meal with 3 mothers present, which makes it much more of an occasion than 'our own little family' going out for lunch, which they can do any weekend.

I guess you missed the part where op says they go there every weekend, to her pils?

Thymeout · 10/03/2015 11:07

No, I didn't miss that bit. But I doubt if Op's mother is there every weekend, too.

Is an invitation 'issuing orders'? 'Sending out dictates'?

Nothing in what OP has written implies that her mil makes a habit of 'issuing orders, to staff.' The reverse, if anything.

Are you projecting here?

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 11:27

Thymeout yes my mil is there every weekend- thats the whole reason we go!
Im sure I wont wish I had done things differently in the future as I dont believe regret is actually worthwhile. I will be happy that I compromised to accommodate everyone without having to sacrifice my own wishes.
Honestly I think some people posting want to argue for the sake of arguing. I wonder how many who think ibu are mils whose noses have been put out of joint by dil with their own wants and needs rather than everything being centred around the mil.

OP posts:
Clockingoff · 10/03/2015 11:33

I honestly think some people just look for things to get annoyed and offended about. Mother's Day is now being turned into another Christmas day by some people - big arguments about who takes priority over who and 'our own little family' etc.
Really, it's just a day that may have started as a simple religious celebration but has now been turned into a big commercialised event with overpriced meals in overcrowded restaurants and flowers being bumped up to twice the price and big tacky reminders in every shop window.
Why not just go with the flow, instead of stressing out and taking umbrage when a grandmother dares to suggest that the family enjoy the day together.

Clockingoff · 10/03/2015 11:34

Oh and OP if you think the people who say YABU are just arguing for the sake of it and are sulking MILs whose noses are out of joint, why did you bother to ask in the first place? Just so that you could insult anyone who disagreed with you?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 11:39

I wonder how many who think ibu are mils whose noses have been put out of joint by dil with their own wants and needs rather than everything being centred around the mil

Quite a few! I understand some of the ones we see round mothers day where literally Mil does not see her son, or GC, and once out of say 10 years she wants to do something together YES, its mean not too, but in this scenario its def not you being mean op.

clocking Confused

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 11:40

clocking did you mean to be so utterly rude and nasty to op, who has had a really hard time recently? Did you read her posts? I am hoping you didnt as I cant believe you would be so horrible.

Clockingoff · 10/03/2015 11:41

What is confusing you Alpacino?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 11:42

No, I didn't miss that bit. But I doubt if Op's mother is there every weekend, too.

Sorry not sure whats ops mother had to do with this, she is happy to do what op wants.

So you know she is there every single weekend at her pils and you still think its fine for mil to want them there on mothers day - when op doesnt want too? Just once?

Is an invitation 'issuing orders'? 'Sending out dictates'? An invite can be refused with no redress. Order and dictates, cannot.

Can op politely decline this so called invitation? And her no be accepted

Clockingoff · 10/03/2015 11:42

I am not being nasty. I am asking her why she started this thread and then insulted anyone who disagreed with her.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 11:43

Clockinoff- I have read and taken on board every reply, my last comment was a general observation as the thread progressed. My thread is not an outlet to insult to anyone from myself or anyone else.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/03/2015 11:46

Hmmm... meal with a fractious baby and only one other adult or a meal with a fractious baby and several adults to pass her around to...

I know which I'd choose!

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 11:47

Clockinoff- really?! There have been many posters who have disagreed with me and think ibu, thats perfectly acceptable and is what aibu is all about. I have not 'insulted everyone who disagrees with me'
Jeez

OP posts:
AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 11:48

she has not insulted anyone clocking

SoupDragon · 10/03/2015 11:48

The comment about the "YABU" side being put out MILS is somewhat rude TBH.

Clockingoff · 10/03/2015 11:49

That's the point I was making. Dismissing comments in a 'oh well a lot of you are probably just put out MILs who want the day to be all about you' is insulting, whether it was intended to be or not.

Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 11:50

Soupdragon- a bit presumptious of you to think my dd will be fractuous. Would it give you pleasure if she was? Seriously this thread is getting silly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed · 10/03/2015 11:53

Clockinoff- I said 'i wonder how many' NOT 'you all are' big difference. If you want to read it as something else to suit your own agenda then thats up to you but do not twist my words please.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/03/2015 11:58

Soupdragon- a bit presumptious of you to think my dd will be fractuous. Would it give you pleasure if she was?

Oh don't be so utterly ridiculous!

Having experienced many many meals with under 1 year olds, the chance of them being fractious during a meal is extremely high. You, of course, may have a perfect baby who never ever behaves in a manner unsuitable for the current time and place.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 10/03/2015 11:58

is it silly now ifeelneed, you have had some great advice though and enjoyr your mothers day Smile

Clockingoff · 10/03/2015 12:01

I don't have an agenda and by saying what you said you were making a generalised insult, which is always a bit of a passive aggressive way of putting down those who have disagreed with you.

Anyway, I've made my point. I think, going back to your original question, that you should graciously accept your MIL's invitation in the spirit in which it was meant, and embrace it as a day for all the mothers in the family. You obviously feel differently.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/03/2015 12:26

I didn't think OP was setting out to exclude either grandmother on the day, just hoping to enjoy Mother's Day as a new mum by a simple lunch out.

ifeeltheneed you mention seeing them later on, you have said this isn't MIL bashing, you explained later you three see them regularly eg have every Saturday lunch at their house so no, yanbu.

Perhaps later this year when it's Father's Day, DH will get to pick where he celebrates it, home or at his dad's.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 10/03/2015 12:40

I think it would have been gracious to go along with MIL's suggestion. I doubt she was staking a claim, or drawing a line in the sand, or anything like that. Just thought it would be nice on Mother's Day to celebrate with the new baby, her mum, and her parents' mums. I don't see the big deal, or why it needs to be analysed and turned into anything more than it is.

GahBuggerit · 10/03/2015 12:51

To me it only means something when the children can actually show their appreciation themselves, otherwise its just "DH / DP making token gesture on behalf of small person who cant do anything themselves day". Don't get me wrong, I love every single bear with baby bear toy DP bought me, but the one thing that takes pride of place is a little note written by DS1 when he was 5 that simply says "I love my mummy on every day"

So while I don't really 'get' Mothers day, I do think you should remember that your DH also has a mother. Could you compromise and suggest a Mother day breakfast somewhere a bit posh and you can do lunch / dinner later on on your own with DH?

Whenever I get a bit of the 'zillas' about me I always think one day I might well be a MIL........