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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend's children should go to church?

491 replies

ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:30

Church is very important to my friend she is employed by them and does loads of voluntary stuff on top. There's not much she would prioritise over being in church on a Sunday morning.

Her Dc are now teens but haven't been to church since they were around 7/8. They didn't want to and although she would have liked them to keep going occasionally, she said it was their choice. Her DH is not a church goer.

Most of the time she's fine with this but there are certain occasions when she would badly like them to be there. Her birthday, Christmas.... and Mother's Day.

The church makes a big fuss of mother's day and she runs several children's groups so is very much one of the organisers for this. She has never managed to persuade her children to participate and has told me that she won't be going to church next Sunday because it makes her so sad when everyone else is being given flowers (provided by the church) by their children and hers aren't there. Another child will always present her with flowers, so she's not without but she is very upset by her own children not being there.

AIBU to think that for this day only, her DH should put his foot down and tell his sons they need to go because it will make their mum happy?

OP posts:
Ooooooooh · 10/03/2015 07:48

If the kids go to church, they would only be there due to it being enforced and would have an undercurrent. Can't she do something nice that doesn't involve religion or ceremony. Something that's more real and meaningful.

OllyBJolly · 10/03/2015 07:52

I was a youth leader and I'm still a regular churchgoer. DD1 still goes occasionally, DD2 decided around 10 years she didn't want to go any more. Had she decided before then, I would have had a problem as I wouldn't have liked leaving her on her own in the house every Sunday morning.

I'd much rather children and young people were at church because they wanted to be there, not because they were coerced into it.

Andrewofgg · 10/03/2015 08:11

Hakluyt Teenagers are not little gits. Gits very often but not little. Big enough to say Church is not for me and if they do, that should be the end of the matter.

As for their father: he is not a church-goer. How is it his business to tell them that they should go when he won't?

For all we know church time is the time they like spending with him!

Ragwort · 10/03/2015 08:16

I've remembered an scenario in which I went along with my parents to vents despite having no interest in the subject matter - in fact my views were the opposite.

My DF was a County Councillor for a political party which is the opposite to my beliefs. He worked incredibly hard for them, gave up loads of his time, it really meant something to him. Occasionally he would ask me to go along with him - not to encourage the voters - he appreciated my views but just to support him (he was in his late 70s when he stood down). I went because I love him, because I admire him for being actively involved in politics rather than moaning from the sidelines like 90% of the population. Going to those events was no way going to change my political views but I went as a loving and supportive daughter.

That is why in this situation I think the teenagers could easily give up an hour of their sunday morning to show their mum they lover her - yes, of course they can show they love her in other ways but this is the one thing she would really, really appreciate.

Disclaimer - obviously I would not have supported any 'extremist' political views.

ladymariner · 10/03/2015 08:17

Well I don't think YABU, op. Ok, the kids don't want to go to church on a regular basis, and that's fair enough, their choice, but I don't think going on one day a year for their Mums sake is too much to ask really. So what if they aren't religious, the service would last an hour tops, sitting there in a daydream surely isn't too much to ask for their Mum. And yes, I do think their Dad should have a word with them.

Hakluyt · 10/03/2015 08:24

"Little git" is a turn of phrase. I called my own 14 year old an intellectually arrogant little toe rag yesterday and he is 6 inches taller than me!

I disagree. I think that, unless it goes against your principles, there is nothing wrong with doing something that pleases someone else. I have breakfast in bed on Mother's Day and have done for 18 years. I don't like breakfast in bed, but it pleases my children.And we then have a picnic, regardless of the weather, because it pleases me. I'm sure they would rather stay home and eat in the warm. But they are not going against their principles to please me, just their physical comfort. And, as I tell them they will every year, "they enjoy it when we gat there"!

Hakluyt · 10/03/2015 08:26

Actually, Ragwort, I think that's even worse! Expecting a child to support a political party they don't agree with is an awful thing to do!

GoldenBeagle · 10/03/2015 08:34

People are expecting teens to take part in a children's flower giving ceremony amidst the mother's children's group?
LOL: This isn't a religion question!

The DH OUGHT to have a word, the teens SHOULD do this and that , you sound very judges. can your friend not sort out her own family and discuss how she feels with Her DH ?

pollykinesis · 10/03/2015 08:53

I agree with you ladymariner. This has nothing to do with the kids being religious or not. I go to church weddings, christenings, funeral etc and I'm not religious. It means a lot to their mum so they should do it, I'm sure she's sat through many school plays/sports days/music recitals. In life we all do things we don't necessarily want to to make the people we love happy so I reckon her DH should use this Mother's Day/church thing to illustrate that point.

SuburbanRhonda · 10/03/2015 09:03

polly, as several other PP have said on this thread, at weddings, christenings, funerals and so on, you don't have to take part. You're just there as an observer, unless you're doing a reading.

The OP's friends is fixated on her teenage sons not only going to the church on Mother's Day, but standing up in front of the congregation to present her with flowers.

And crying about it because they don't want to.

motherinferior · 10/03/2015 09:23

Of course the parents between them could bully and blackmail and whinge till the poor bloody kids sit through this excruciatingly embarrassing event. I can't say it'll do much for their relationship in the long term, but if that's her priority...

Parents choose to go and support their kids at concerts etc (I am off to one later today. This is my choice. Even if I don't madly want to do it, I did have the option). Forcing other people to do stuff 'in the name of love' is a sure-fire way to get them to resent and dislike you. It's not endlessly elastic, the affection that kids feel for their parents.

Or they may actually be pretty damn fond of her and prepared to do something else for her on Sunday, just not go to this particular toe-curling floral tribute.

Andrewofgg · 10/03/2015 09:34

Hakluyt True enough about "little git!"

But the point remains that the journey to any place of worship ought not to be a guilt trip. Once children are old enough that they can safely not come - earlier if there is anyone to look after them - that's it. Up the thrm. And no pressure on them.

Andrewofgg · 10/03/2015 09:38

Incidentally why waste breath calling 14 an intellectually arrogant toe-rag, with or without the Little?

Aren't they and weren't we all? Smile

Hakluyt · 10/03/2015 09:43
Grin

It was my pithy interpretation of a page long email from his history teacher.........

What is a toe-rag, by the way?

AgathaF · 10/03/2015 09:44

Toe-curling sums in up well, motherinferior.

Hakluyt · 10/03/2015 09:46

Just looked up toe rag- don't care for it- and won't use it any more. Shame- I like the sound of it.

Spirael · 10/03/2015 09:53

OP, have you considered mentioning to your friend's DH/DC that their Wife/Mum would really enjoy/appreciate them attending a service with her once in a while? There's no need to be heavy handed about it or anything, just let them know. There is a good chance they actually just have no idea and assume your friend is happy going by herself.

What they do with the knowledge is up to them. As a friend, by making sure they know, your part is complete.

GoldenBeagle · 10/03/2015 09:54

OP, your friend is making this a problem and she can choose not to.

If her boys are appreciative of her as a parent or not, that is one thing. Maybe they will give her breakfast in bed, a card, chocs , flowers. She is making the church involvement her benchmark - she wants them to comply with something that means nothing to the, rather than appreciate their relationship through something that DOES mean something to them.

It might be nice if they wanted , out of their own free will to support her by goin to church, but as they don't feel that way about church she has nothing to gain by wishing they did and wanting her DH to pressurise them. What on earth is the value in that?

Your friend is committed to the church - she can take her own strength and value in that. If she needs other people to join in then she is the one making it an issue.

As one point of view.

mellicauli · 10/03/2015 11:20

Isn't her sadness really about the fact that her children aren't part of her church community and this day puts that regret centre stage? If they turned up, I think she would still feel sad.

Ooooooooh · 10/03/2015 12:04

There are about 1001 way to celebrate Mother's Day and show appreciation. Why do the children have to do something they are uncomfortable with, when there are so many things everyone would be happy with?

FrenchJunebug · 10/03/2015 12:43

they haven't been to church for years, why does suddenly this mother's day is it a big deal with your friend?

Mother's day is a made-up US holiday. I would rather my child tells me he loves me everyday than get chocolate one day a year.

YABVU (as is your friend)

RowRowRowCrocodileScream · 10/03/2015 13:36

Just read the thread. YABU to suggest that your friend's DH should 'put his foot down'.

Whilst it may be worth the DCs being told (if they haven't already been) that she would really like it if they came along, this shouldn't be in any way done by coercion or emotional blackmail. If they were to go to the service under duress, isn't it likely that this may cause them to be sulky and in a bad mood both during the service and the rest of the day. Therefore, your proposal may not end up with your friend feeling happy about the situation.

That aside, I don't think enforced Church attendance is a good idea and surely teenagers will feel awkward presenting flowers in public in church when they do not normally attend. Your desire to see your friend happy is commendable OP but IMO your proposed method is misguided and likely to be counterproductive.

Andrewofgg · 10/03/2015 13:40

I'd really like it if you came along is emotional blackmail.

Ragwort · 10/03/2015 14:00

Expecting a child to support a political party they don't agree with is an awful thing to do!

Hakylet - I tried to make it clear in my post that I was absolutely not supporting a political party - I was supporting my father in something that meant a lot to him. He knows I do not share his political views and he certainly does not expect me to canvass or deliver leaflets or anything like that. But by supporting him as my father both he and I know that I am not supporting his choice of political party. He was not expecting me to support anything, I went of my own free choice as a nice thing to do for my parent. Just as by going to church with your parent you do not suddenly become a member of their faith.

French have you read the whole thread? AMothering Sunday Church Service is not a made up US celebration.

cingolimama · 10/03/2015 14:21

"I'd really like it if you came along" is emotional blackmail

Seriously? Sounds like a clear request to me. How on earth do you communicate what you want andrew? Or do you insist that others read your mind?