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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think FIL should not have a key to the house?

138 replies

TwigletFiend · 09/03/2015 08:09

So DP and I have just moved into a new house. It is on the site of a new business venture (garden centre) that DP and FIL have purchased through their company. The house is now separated from the business part by a wall and is completely closed off from the public space.

Yesterday I was feeding our 4 month old DD in the living room when FIL walked into the house. I am not shy about feeding but it scared the life out of me as I thought I was alone! It turns out he has a key to the house and let himself in without knocking, calling hello etc. He wandered around commenting on my choice of decor for a while, running his hand over my furniture (why?!), generally giving ME the feeling that he sees it as 'his'. Which I know it sort of is, but if we have to live here I feel like our private space needs to be respected. DP is going away to Cambodia for 2 weeks on a motorbike trip as of tomorrow and FIL rather ominously commented that I would be seeing a lot of him while DP is away as he left yesterday.

AIBU to think that we should have our privacy respected and ask for FILs key back? DP already tends to bring work home with him and that's before we agreed to move in at his new workplace. I really feel that the two need to be separate for the sake of my sanity.

OP posts:
iwantgin · 09/03/2015 08:12

No, he may have a key - but for emergencies only.

He should NOT be letting himself in to your home - whether you are in there or not.

If he can't get that - then you will have to take the key back.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/03/2015 08:12

I totally agree with you. Even an official Landlord is not allowed to do what your FIL has done. Step One:- get your DP to speak to your FIL and insist on usual "visitor decorum", Step Two:- lock the doors and keep the key in. Shouldnt have to, I know, but Id do it just for a bit of peace of mind.

merrymouse · 09/03/2015 08:13

Fine for him to have a key - plenty of people have a spare set with their neighbours.

Not fine at all for him to wander in whenever he wants.

MumToFourCats · 09/03/2015 08:13

Think I would "lose" my keys and get the locks changed and forget to mention it

MinceSpy · 09/03/2015 08:14

Talk to your partner and find out what he thinks. He needs to deal with his father.

gamerchick · 09/03/2015 08:14

Change the locks if you feel you can't ask for the key?

You probably do need to say something though .. Some people are just oblivious if they see something as belonging to them.

popalot · 09/03/2015 08:15

uh oh. Get the locks changed, then you won't have to ask for the key back and he surely won't embarass himself by asking why he couldn't let himself in. You could make up some excuse about always wanting new locks when you move in somewhere, if you don't want the confrontation with someone who clearly enjoys invading personal space.

AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 08:16

Of course he shouldn't have a key!

Any what is this emergencies lark? In an emergency - get a locksmith. Or keep a key with a trusted friend. Note the word 'trusted'.

And - your partner going off for a two week bike ride when you have just moved and have a 4 month old? What's that all about?

FIL rather ominously commented that I would be seeing a lot of him while DP is away Stop this and stop it now. That sounds sinister.

iniac · 09/03/2015 08:17

I would hate that!
Can you lock the door or put a key in so that he can't turn his key?
Then don't answer when he knocks.

Rjae · 09/03/2015 08:30

If you are alone in the house use those door chains that are cheap and easy to fit. The FIL can't get in then. Ask DP to ask for the key back because it's no use changing the locks if do is going to give his DF a key to the new locks!

LittleMiss77 · 09/03/2015 08:57

My PIL did this. Until FIL one day let himself in whilst i was in the shower (down the stairs bathroom). This resulted in a blazing row with DP about how i was being made to feel uncomfortable in my own home and that if it ever happened again the locks would be changed and only i would have a key.

They now knock (but still rock up at really inconvenient times like 10 minutes after we had arrived at our new house after getting the keys Angry)

TheMaddHugger · 09/03/2015 09:31

For the moment jam a Door wedge in under the outside doors to make sure they wont open 'till YOU want them open.

"" FIL rather ominously commented that I would be seeing a lot of him while DP is away as he left yesterday.""

Ohh Hell NO. get DH to sort this before he goes.

To think FIL should not have a key to the house?
ptumbi · 09/03/2015 09:35
Hmm
zzzzz · 09/03/2015 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakeoffcake · 09/03/2015 09:41

We lived ina similar situation- on a farm.

They used to pop round but would always knock then shout "Hello, it's me" before letting themselves in. (We also put gravel along the drive and path so we could hear them comingWink )we also use dot let ourselves in their house so it was a mutual thing.

Your FIL sounds like a complete creep. Can you keep your doors locked and the key in the door so he can't open it?

FlipperSkipper · 09/03/2015 09:41

You can get those door wedges that have an alarm that goes off if someone tries to get in - they're designed for hotel rooms but they could work well here - you could say it's to make you feel safer while your DH is away. I think someone needs to have a word with your FIL about letting himself in though - not acceptable.

QOD · 09/03/2015 09:44

Wow. Not on

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/03/2015 09:44

Wtf
This is outrageous. Your DP needs to deal with it pronto.

zzzzz · 09/03/2015 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/03/2015 09:54

Speak to your DP and get him to speak to his dad before he goes away. If he won't, then change the locks. If you've got a Yale lock you can change them yourself (there's bound to be a YouTube video!), or just call out a locksmith.

In the meantime, keep your keys in the lock or lock the Yale, so the door can't be opened from the outside. Maybe if your DP is inconvenienced because he can't get in with his key, he might also address it with his dad.

RandomFriend · 09/03/2015 09:55

I don't like the sound of your FIL. It is perfectly reasonable that he would have a key. It is not at all reasonable that he uses it to let him self in, especially when you are there. His threat comment that you'll be seeing much more of him whilst DP is away sounds odd to me.

Have the locks changed and fit a chain if you can. Otherwise, insist that DP gets the key back.

SylvaniansAtEase · 09/03/2015 09:58

'So, it's obvious from yesterday that this isn't going to work - naturally I want my home to feel like mine, not some addition to the office - so DP, shall I look for houses while you're away? Or do you want to explain to FIL that we'll be the only ones with a key to our own home?'

fuzzywuzzy · 09/03/2015 10:03

Your FIL sounds utterly creepy, is he purposely trying to upset you?

If you go down the route of leaving your key in the lock, make sure you twist the key so it's not straight in the lock, otherwise in my front door the key falls out enabling the person outside with the key to still enter using their key.

I'd be changing the locks in tho and adding the wedge and door chains/bolts on the inside.

Suzannewithaplan · 09/03/2015 10:14

FIL sounds like a sleazy creep :(

Scotchmincepie · 09/03/2015 10:16

Perfectly normal to have ILs have key, not normal to let themselves in though! MIne wouldn't do that unless they were looking after the cat/house while we were away. Or if they needed something would ring first.

It was a litttle bit of a culture change for them though as with husband's previous house and ex-wife, as they were often coming in to help with kids etc and would just let themselves in. They sort of continued that with mine and husband's house (not often but occassionally) till I mentioned that I was a bit uncomfortable with it via husband and they moved to knocking or ringing first.