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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think FIL should not have a key to the house?

138 replies

TwigletFiend · 09/03/2015 08:09

So DP and I have just moved into a new house. It is on the site of a new business venture (garden centre) that DP and FIL have purchased through their company. The house is now separated from the business part by a wall and is completely closed off from the public space.

Yesterday I was feeding our 4 month old DD in the living room when FIL walked into the house. I am not shy about feeding but it scared the life out of me as I thought I was alone! It turns out he has a key to the house and let himself in without knocking, calling hello etc. He wandered around commenting on my choice of decor for a while, running his hand over my furniture (why?!), generally giving ME the feeling that he sees it as 'his'. Which I know it sort of is, but if we have to live here I feel like our private space needs to be respected. DP is going away to Cambodia for 2 weeks on a motorbike trip as of tomorrow and FIL rather ominously commented that I would be seeing a lot of him while DP is away as he left yesterday.

AIBU to think that we should have our privacy respected and ask for FILs key back? DP already tends to bring work home with him and that's before we agreed to move in at his new workplace. I really feel that the two need to be separate for the sake of my sanity.

OP posts:
SueChef · 12/03/2015 16:15

At last! An OP who has taken positive action to sort out her problems.

They sound awful, well done on your blocking

AlternativeTentacles · 12/03/2015 17:17

I can't understand why he would be coming into your house at 7:30 in the morning and how your MIL managed to get the door open in the first place.

Has she got a working key OP?

iniac · 12/03/2015 17:27

mil AND fil? That's outrageous!

ptumbi · 12/03/2015 17:40

Diddl - I wondedd that. How did MIL get the door to open against the chain?

(I posted at lunchtime but my modem was down and it stuck for hours...)

RandomFriend · 12/03/2015 18:39

They are both way out of order with trying to walk in to your house.

What on earth was FIL thinking of when he tried his key, and then the phone, at 7:30am?

rookiemere · 12/03/2015 18:46

So your DH changed the locks but didn't actually tell his DF or DM?
Surely it would have been more sensible for your DH to actually have a discussion with them and ask for the keys back? This way they're still going to have to be told at some point what's happened.

Lweji · 12/03/2015 19:13

It is greater punishment and much funnier that they were twarted in their attempts to get in without previous warning.

Actually, I'd be creeped out at FIL walking on me like that and getting in at 7:30 am.
I could easily be found naked as going out of the bath to my room to get dressed. Why would a man want to enter a house where he knows a woman is there alone without warning her first? Hmm

NeitherHereOrThere · 12/03/2015 21:31

Exactly Lweji. FIL sounds like a creepy perv - the comment and now trying to get in at that time of morning when its likely you would be undressed.

Suzannewithaplan · 12/03/2015 21:40

He totally wants to catch her all sleepy and in her nightie doesn't heHmm

Original poster
TwigletFiend · 12/03/2015 22:28

Bleurgh, now I am feeling a bit revolted! I'm sure it's not that please God but he is generally a miserable, inconsiderate so and so and it likely didn't even occur to him that I would be sleeping. Or it did an he just didn't care.

MIL got the door cracked open in the day because I hadn't locked the handle part and just had the security chain on.

I feel a bit shamefaced that I haven't had the talk with them about this. I clearly need to stop being a wimp take the problem in hand and just come out with it. Eep!

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 12/03/2015 23:19

Really it is your DP that should be having that discussion. Does he think it is fine for his DM and DF to just walk in without ringing or knocking? Presumably not.

I think you have to be very matter-of-fact with them - maybe start with MIL and state something like she is welcome to call on you any time (if she is) but that you find it more courteous when she knocks and you get to invite her in. Or something along those lines.

MIL can then pass the message on to FIL, who obviously needs to have some place other than your kitchen where he can have his mid-morning (or pre-work) cuppa.

TheHiiTCrowd · 12/03/2015 23:26

7.30!?

my xmil used to come round to ''keep me company'' when x was away. drove me mad as I was looking forward to the peace. I told her I needed time on my own. It was so awkward. But she left in a huff mind you but she left.

TheHiiTCrowd · 12/03/2015 23:28

They broke the door in their determination to get in to your house?!

Confused Shock

Paintedpinksapphires · 12/03/2015 23:34

"I'm sure you'll understand that I'd prefer if you don't let yourself into my home. It's inappropriate"

Said with big smile and head tilt.

TheCunnyFunt · 12/03/2015 23:45

I don't think they broke the door HiiTCrowd, I read it as OP didn't lock the door but put the chain across and MIL opened the door, but because of the chain, the door only opened a crack.

FanFuckingTastic · 12/03/2015 23:49

Wow, my mum, best friend and ex-partner (DSs dad) all have keys to my house and they almost never use them except to get past the outer door to get to my front door. My exP has never used them, my mum has let herself in but always shouts, and my best friend is allowed to come straight in as I am often still asleep when she comes over, so I told her so.

But it seems like your FIL is abusing the keys. If anyone made me feel uncomfortable, I would ask for the keys back.

seaoflove · 13/03/2015 00:01

What was he coming in FOR at 7.30am?

Breakfast?

Both ILs need a serious chat about manners and respecting your home and personal space.

Tinklypink · 13/03/2015 00:18

Had this for years and just changed the locks - some people simply don't get the hint despite the talks....

EstRusMum · 13/03/2015 01:01

Oh shit. Sorry, but to me it seems more like the case where he wants to get you naked and use it in a very bad way.
Definitely don't mean to scare you, but your DP needs to let them both know that they are not welcome at unreasonable times and without calling and asking whether they can come.
I think your DP will be raging when he will find out.

TheMaddHugger · 13/03/2015 03:09

nahh, i think he just wanted to stink up the loo with an hour of non productive sitting on said loo.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 13/03/2015 05:41

OP, am I right in thinking that the house is part of the land/premises jointly purchased by DH & FIL as part of their business? This may be blurring the lines.

Sounds like you've been doing really well and DH changing the locks is great, but when he's back from his trip, I would suggest getting something properly agreed between you all (on the assumption that it isn't already) in that whilst the house may be jointly owned, you have the same rights as a tenant i.e. it is your home and they cannot come and go as they please.

diddl · 13/03/2015 07:40

He sounds sinister/threatening to me tbh.

Why would you see more of him because your husband isn't there?

So he walks in on you breastfeeding, makes that weird comment & at the first opportunity turns up when he knows that you are alone!

What does he think that you will be doing at 7.30am?

Sleeping/shower/bath/breastfeeding/breakfast in nightclothes??

Why would he be trying to catch you in a vulnerable state?

Even if not pervy it's very controlling!

zzzzz · 13/03/2015 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TwigletFiend · 13/03/2015 08:17

Lastnight, yes spot on. I think he feels (technically correctly) that he part owns the house and is therefore entitled to do as he likes. When he was here the other day great running his hand over my furniture like the bitchy stepmother does in cheesy films and inspecting his fingers afterwards, presumably for dust Hmm He is an abrupt and ride man anyway so I tend to try and ignore it!

MaddHugger, haha! I think you are right! DP is an absolute bugger for doing that. Always leaves the door open afterwards too. Boak.

No unexpected arrivals this morning, hooray! I live in hope that the problem is resolved! (And that FIL is just a socially stunted, miserable old bastard and not a creep!)

OP posts:
LittleBairn · 13/03/2015 08:27

You need to be very frank with them the house is not an extension if the business they may not treat it as such. If they fail to do so you will have re-evaluate your business relationship with them.

They need to be put in their place otherwise they will keep trying to find ways around the boundaries.

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