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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think FIL should not have a key to the house?

138 replies

TwigletFiend · 09/03/2015 08:09

So DP and I have just moved into a new house. It is on the site of a new business venture (garden centre) that DP and FIL have purchased through their company. The house is now separated from the business part by a wall and is completely closed off from the public space.

Yesterday I was feeding our 4 month old DD in the living room when FIL walked into the house. I am not shy about feeding but it scared the life out of me as I thought I was alone! It turns out he has a key to the house and let himself in without knocking, calling hello etc. He wandered around commenting on my choice of decor for a while, running his hand over my furniture (why?!), generally giving ME the feeling that he sees it as 'his'. Which I know it sort of is, but if we have to live here I feel like our private space needs to be respected. DP is going away to Cambodia for 2 weeks on a motorbike trip as of tomorrow and FIL rather ominously commented that I would be seeing a lot of him while DP is away as he left yesterday.

AIBU to think that we should have our privacy respected and ask for FILs key back? DP already tends to bring work home with him and that's before we agreed to move in at his new workplace. I really feel that the two need to be separate for the sake of my sanity.

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 13/03/2015 09:00

hands OP industrial strength air freshener

borke indeed

rookiemere · 13/03/2015 11:34

If he part owns the house is DH in fact entitled to go ahead and change the locks?

Lweji · 13/03/2015 11:38

Let FIL take his son to court. :)

But he is not entitled to enter the house just like that. He needs to arrange any visits with the occupants, even if part of the house is his. Or even if it was entirely his.

Debinaround · 13/03/2015 11:53

Hi Twiglet has the cheeky sod turned up for his lunch yet?

PatrickStarisabadbellend · 13/03/2015 20:20

I would hate this! I would seriously move

britespark1 · 14/03/2015 16:31

Any update for today OP?

britespark1 · 14/03/2015 16:33

Technically my mil owns the house my family and I live in and there is no way on earth either her or fil would ever just let themselves in :-(

Original poster

TwigletFiend · 14/03/2015 17:00

I have been out all day today so far, so if they came knocking I wasn't here to hear it! I'm hoping they don't come up this evening because I'm very tired today and a bit short tempered!

OP posts:

SylvaniansAtEase · 14/03/2015 17:10

I think I would certainly comment to both DH and MIL when it inevitably gets discussed, along the lines of:

'For instance, I can't see a single reason for FIL to try the door at 7.30 am the very day after DH goes away, without knocking... Anyone with any thought would realise that I'm very likely to be perhaps not fully dressed at that time, and in the house on my own, so it's very inappropriate as well as possibly quite alarming for me, why on earth would he think that was not intrusive?... Oh, hang on...'

... and leave them to draw their own conclusions.

There's no reason for him to come in at that time. Normal people, even boorish ones, probably would not. He's not only overbearing and proprietorial, he's a lech.

TheHiiTCrowd · 14/03/2015 23:41

The problem with explaining why it's inappropriate is that explaining seems like asking for their understanding to respect your space. that feeds their delusion that you require their approval/blessing to have private space.

If it's brought up again I'd go for a statement "you let yourself in to my home". Followed by a head tilt. See what he says.

I wouldn't even mention the time as that might make him think it was ok to let himself in if it were a reasonable hour.

Locks changed. Tick. Good.

OnlyLovers · 16/03/2015 09:18

I'm sure he's not a creep, OP! But your DH needs to have the conversation with him and MIL.

When I say 'conversation' I just mean 'Mum, Dad, you don't let yourselves into other people's houses. Understood?'

[diplomat]

Suzannewithaplan · 16/03/2015 09:36

What kind of person tries to sneak in when everyone is expected to be in bed asleep, who wants to catch you when you are defenseless
isn't that what someone who wants to attack or steal from you does??

stormtreader · 16/03/2015 17:04

Sounds to me like its a pure dominance/power thing rather than anything pervy, its a simple "this is half mine, and the other owner DH isnt here therefore its ALL mine while hes away and I'm going to swan about metaphorically pissing all over everything so that you know. Its not YOURS, its MINE, I just allow you to stay here".

seaoflove · 16/03/2015 17:16

Totally agree with you stormtreader

And the OP has said her FIL is a socially stunted, miserable old bastard - oh god, can I ever sumpathise with that - and this sort of behaviour is exactly what men like this like to do. They don't give a crap about politeness or social norms and like nothing more than asserting their dominance and making sure their children Know Their Place. My FIL has spent a lifetime treating his wife and kids like shit, and got away with it because they were all too scared to stand up to him.

Anyway, fuck that. Make sure DH sets some ground rules from now on OP, namely they can't come around unless agreed or invited, like normal people

Handsoffmysweets · 16/03/2015 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster

TwigletFiend · 16/03/2015 21:26

To be fair, he would be useful to have around in the event of a zombie apolalypse as a diversion. He came up while i was cleaning up earlier and knocked, though not sure if he tried the door first but couldn't get in because of the security chain. He allegedly wanted a cup of tea (which he then moaned about because it was decaf) but he mostly just wanted to discuss my lack of housewifery skills and bitch about DP going away and leaving me 'all alone up here' again. I said that if I didn't mind I couldn't see why DP shouldn't go. Cue rant about irresponsibility blah blah blah. The funny thing is, DP is the only one of his children who doesn't scrounge and take advantage.

The man is a mystery to me.

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 16/03/2015 22:32

That man has one Huge sense of his own importance and opinion.

Time to cure him of that self importance

HeyDuggee · 16/03/2015 22:51

So glad you didn't bite OP - you know if you ever said anything in agreement his bitching, he'd report back to his son that you had said it.

stormtreader · 17/03/2015 09:28

"Oh one second, I'm recording all conversations while DH isn't here so he can hear them all later and doesn't feel like hes missing out while hes away, I thought it would be fun." click "Right, what were you saying about him being irresponsible and my housewife skills?"

OnlyLovers · 17/03/2015 09:28

(which he then moaned about because it was decaf) but he mostly just wanted to discuss my lack of housewifery skills and bitch about DP going away

Why didn't you just tell him to leave? Or not let him in in the first place? Why must he come to you for a cup of tea? Is he confusing you with the cafe down the road?

KaffeOgKage · 17/03/2015 12:40

if he shows up again, say "oh you're here again!? so soon after the last time I saw you!! you keeeeeep dropping in don't you?"

OnlyLovers · 17/03/2015 12:44

I don't think he'd take such a subtle hint, do you?

HellKitty · 17/03/2015 12:52

That would drive me crackers. Seriously. Nobody, NOBODY calls on me unexpected without a text first!

FryOneFatManic · 17/03/2015 12:55

DP is the only one of his children who doesn't scrounge and take advantage

And that's probably the key to this. The other children are in a way dependent on him, he's dominant over them, yet not over OP's DH. So he's trying to assert his dominance in the OP's home.

Lweji · 17/03/2015 14:29

Oh, please, next time he shows up, pass him the vacuum cleaner, a mop and a cloth and tell him to show you how it's done.

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