Should I be worried about my husband's friend?

[shawaddysh]

Please forgive me, I'm a complete newbie so I don't know all the right acronyms and things.

My husband has recently started a very close friendship with a female colleague. I haven't met her but they get on very well, I'm talking 'best friend status' here rather than fleeting fancy. He does not have very many friends, and it takes a long time for him to trust someone enough to become an actual friend.

I'm glad he's found a friend he trusts because he's had a few knocks.

I am very happy in myself, with our relationship, and very laid back. I have male friends myself that I am close with and have been since school. But not like this.

My husband and his friend are constantly texting, calling and don't go 2 days without seeing each other. It seems like a really nice tight friendship, one which I wish I had with my mates but even my closest friend doesn't get half the attention he gives her.

It's a new friendship, they met at work. I have not met her, and my husband does not want us to meet each other (blaming it on shyness on everyone's part). There are no huge reasons for me to be suspicious, and I agree that it's crazy to treat female friends differently to male friends (and vice versa). But I don't want to be a mug.

1. Is it weird that he does not want us to meet (I have no major social desire to meet her, other than curiosity)?

1. She comes to my house. But I haven't met her (I'm always at work/away when she comes round - by design) - should I worry?

1. Is there something going on and am I being a massive mug by being supportive of their friendship?

It's a car crash. You're watching it.

He actually tells you she was in your house! And yet is too shy to meet you. And you think this is all ok? Seriously, it's all rubbish. How did you find out about this amazing new friend?

Why is she coming to your house? Is she purposely coming when you're not there?

The fact that he has a close female friend wouldn't bother me, but it would bug me that he didn't want us to meet. If you had no occassion to meet, fair enough, but if he's actually said he doesn't want you to meet her, I think that's a bit odd.

He told me. He tells me A LOT about their friendship, the things they do, the jokes they have. In the same way any guy would with their guy friends. The difference is she's a girl and I've never met her.

Yes she's in my house when I'm working, it seems they both have no desire for me to be around when they're in the house....

But does that mean I should be suspicious? He's always been such a private person, he wouldn't normally want to all be friends and hug. I'm similar, I don't feel the need for him to get to know all my friends deeply, but I don't often have them over to my house.

alarm bells .... investigate...sounds dodgy to me...

Yep, she comes to my house when they know I'm not going to be around. Openly though. He checks with me, saying there is no need for us to meet.

So what would happen if you said, "no, I don't want her here?" I don't know, it's very odd behavior, I think. I wouldn't be happy if my husband was having anyone come to my house that I wasn't permitted to meet, male or female. It's my home, it's just nonsense that people are hanging out there that I'm not allowed to see.

Thanks steff13, that's more my issue. Like I said, I'm happy for him to have a good friend but am losing my laid back attitude when it comes to having to avoid her.

....in my own home (might I add)

Sorry to say this Shawaddysh but that is really weird behaviour. My partner & I are very relaxed about each other's friends of opposite gender, but if he all of a sudden developed an intense friendship with another woman who came to my house while I wasn't there and I wasn't able to meet? That isn't alarm bells honey, that's full on, no alarm bells because the house burnt down shit right there.

I would just sit down and tell him that it's making you uncomfortable to have her in your home (frequently, it sounds like) when you haven't met her. Certainly it shouldn't be a problem for her to come by before you leave for work one day just to say hello. If he still refuses, then I'm not sure what the next step is.

Do you have kids? Have they met her?

Yes, you should be worried about this. He sounds infatuated with her. You need to discuss this with him and think about what you want. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as too blunt, but you are right to be worried.

I am normally get over yourself with these threads on female friends but this is just odd, he checks with you to make sure you are not in
My Dh has loads of female friends, but if he did what your dh is doing I would stamp all over him.
Next time he asks just tell him you will be out and then come home with a headache, if it's innocent no harm done.

Is DH husband?

It's "Dear Huband." Or "Damn Husband," if you'd rather. :)

I think my radar is twitching with this because years ago I had a lovely boyfriend nice flat, saw him a lot weekends, evenings, daytime if we where both off work, he was divorced with children ... So i thought, his wife was very much about. I found out one day at work, we worked together, and a doctor I think deliberately outed him to me, asking if he and his wife where coming over in Sat,
He was very much dumped by me what a prick!

Ha, thanks for humouring me steff13, its dear husband for now but there are obvious reasons why I'm concerned to the point it hopefully doesn't become damn husband!

Ow missingmumxox, that's harsh.

To give a bit of context, we've been together 10 years, house together for most of that, but no kids.

Thanks for the thoughts, kind of confirmed my niggles x

I am willing to let DH see an ex and have her come to our house. I've never met her and have no desire to. The difference is that if I wanted to meet her he'd arrange it and they see each other once or twice a year.

I don't like the sound of the intensity of their relationship. Do adults have platonic relationships like that? I'd like to be able to see a couple of my friends that frequently but DH would get to meet them all.

Shawaddysh - interested to know what are you going to do? I know I wouldn't be happy at all.

OP, you know there is something not right here, which is why you posted.

It's called hiding in plain sight. He's telling you 'everything' so you think it is all above board. What parts aren't he telling you?

No disrespect, but are you both quite young? (Though you can't be too young as been together 10 years). I thought intense friendships (such as you describe) were normally for teenagers. I think what your DH is doing is very odd/unusual. I wouldn't be happy with it in my marriage. Can you not pop home accidentally one day when she's there? Can you check his texts?

There's no reason to ask if you 'should' be suspicious.

There's no 'should' about it.

Either you do or you don't

I suspect you do, as you've posted about it.

So it's likely you already think it's an affair or an imminent affair. As you describe her as a 'girl' then it's likely she's very young. He really should know better, though as he is older he is more likely to be senior and less likely to be sacked if it all goes pear-shaped at work.

And your home is presumably a nice, comfortable venue.

Can you go and surprise him at work and at least set eyes on her there?

Yes