Should I be worried about my husband's friend?

[shawaddysh]

Please forgive me, I'm a complete newbie so I don't know all the right acronyms and things.

My husband has recently started a very close friendship with a female colleague. I haven't met her but they get on very well, I'm talking 'best friend status' here rather than fleeting fancy. He does not have very many friends, and it takes a long time for him to trust someone enough to become an actual friend.

I'm glad he's found a friend he trusts because he's had a few knocks.

I am very happy in myself, with our relationship, and very laid back. I have male friends myself that I am close with and have been since school. But not like this.

My husband and his friend are constantly texting, calling and don't go 2 days without seeing each other. It seems like a really nice tight friendship, one which I wish I had with my mates but even my closest friend doesn't get half the attention he gives her.

It's a new friendship, they met at work. I have not met her, and my husband does not want us to meet each other (blaming it on shyness on everyone's part). There are no huge reasons for me to be suspicious, and I agree that it's crazy to treat female friends differently to male friends (and vice versa). But I don't want to be a mug.

1. Is it weird that he does not want us to meet (I have no major social desire to meet her, other than curiosity)?

1. She comes to my house. But I haven't met her (I'm always at work/away when she comes round - by design) - should I worry?

1. Is there something going on and am I being a massive mug by being supportive of their friendship?

You need to meet her and 'mark your territory' as such. I was that girl years ago (totally innocent on my part no agenda from me) but the bloke hid our friendship, would never let me meet his partner and it caused major problems. However even though i was very young i knew not to go to their house! Its crossing a line!

As it happens he came on to me, i rejected him- friendship over. They got married i believe. Id never trust him if he was my husband (the bloke i mentioned not ur husband op)

Best thing to do is insist on meeting her- you'll be able to get a feel for her intentions and see how he acts around her!

Your dh is playing a very clever game. He denys they are more than friends, then blames your suspicious mind for driving them together. Clever to get your permission and agreement to stay out. Do they work shifts and you don't ?

If this is real (radar)...

Yes it's suspicious, yes he's shagging her or trying to shag her and no you don't need to put up with this.

Don't mistake being laid-back and cool for being a blind doormat.

People often advise confrontation in these situations, I really don't. If you accuse or confront your dh he will lie and start being more secretive. It's also possible nothing physical has happened yet and he doesn't even realise he's having an emotional affair so will furiously deny.

So I'd say snoop, snoop and snoop some more. Check all his devices for messages, deleted threads and messages, check his social media, check bank account for gifts or dinners, check pockets for receipts etc, check for hidden phones etc.

Stop being so cool.

This is all wrong.

He shouldn't have a friend you've not met. Especially a friendship of such intensity. It's like a double life.

Her having been in your house - YOUR house - without you there is outrageous.

They are taking the total piss. It's an emotional affair at the very least.

He's keeping you both separate in order to maintain this affair whilst throwing you crumbs of information to pacify you. It's not just a friendship. And it's total disrespect to you.

What do you want?

If it was me I wouldn't be suspicious, but then I know I can trust DH. Do you trust yours?

You need to set up a webcam - this happend to me many years ago - I got my best friend to watch the film first but let's just say his bags were packed shortly after and he was kicked out with a memory stick with a sticky label on it saying "watch this"!
I also took it to the solicitors as altho we weren't married we shared a house and his exact words were "you've nailed it" and said it showed great initiative x x

So many alarm bells !

The not wanting you both to meet each other just screams affair or affair in waiting to me!

My now ex dh added a very old ex to his Facebook and started talking to her. I didn't think much of it because he didn't appear to be meeting her (she lived some way away) and I talked myself into trusting him. One weekend he came back from seeing his mum and said he wanted to leave and he didn't love me anymore. I later found out he'd been out seeing her that weekend while staying at his mums and saying he was out with friends ! (We lived a way away from his mum so it was usual for him to visit alone sometimes). He upped and left in 2 weeks and I never saw him again! (Nor did dd).

If something doesn't feel right it generally isn't.

My ex fiancé had a friendship where he would meet up a lot with girl and not invite me, knew their mobile number off by heart where he hadn't learned mine (this is how long ago as he didn't have mobile!). They were housemates and when I would visit him she would make me feel very unwelcome

They are married with kids now. best thing that could have happened, he is cheat, and I have fab dp

Ooo I vote webcam!

Yes you should be very worried

Sounds like an emotical affair. Not wanted to meet you and going to the house when you not there. I think you need to watch this!

Completely and utterly unacceptable and inappropriate in my humble opinion.

My home is my sanctuary and I'd be incredibly offended if OH started bringing home people I didn't know / hadn't met (this is regardless of gender of friend). I wouldn't put up with it to be honest.

I appreciate that sometimes its easier for OH to have people over if I'm not there (think occasional boys poker night and this hasn't happened since we had kids) but to actually engineer every visit around you being out is quite calculated and dare I say sinister.

Being 'too shy' to meet you is absolute bollocks.

I'd be coming home early next time to find out what the fuck is going on.

Urgh. Be highly suspicious. Even by the remotest chance nothing has happened yet and she's not interested, he definitely is. I'd be watching him like a hawk and right now putting a stop to her coming to the house. No grown adult needs to be in constant contact / see a friend every two days. That's pathetic. He's obsessed with her, he is totally playing you for a fool and by acting cool you're actively encouraging him to make more of a fool of you I'm afraid. Do any of your friends and family know about this? He sounds like a weird person to be honest!

strikeout fail

Instead of coming home from work suddenly, could you book a day of leave without telling your husband (depending how much you get per year) on a day when the woman will be visiting your home, and then 'forget' to tell him that you don't need to go in that day until the morning actually comes. Then you can reassure him that you won't be in the way of his visitor and you'll either get to meet her for a short chat so she knows you exist, or else he will be angry and suddenly cancel or change their plans, in which case you can full-on object and say how suspicious it looks and you are going to meet her.
It might be worth securing some contact details for her in advance - do their company email addresses follow a formula you can predict, or can you get her number from his phone?

I'd be coming home unexpectedly when I knew they were going to be there. Or id set up the webcam. Either way it sounds super suspicious to me! Id be furious if my DP told me I wasn't allowed to meet a certain friend and he was bringing said friend to my home when he knew I wasn't going to be there! Very disrespectful.

I have a few friends, who I regularly go for a drink with or lunch. Some are married. Some aren't. Some are female, some are male. If I have been to their houses, or if their partners have come into town for after work drinks, I have met them. The same with them meeting my DH. The thing I would find odd would be making an effort not to introduce a friend to my DH or a friend not wanting me to meet their DP if a natural opportunity to meet them arose.

This may seem daft but are you sure she knows his marital status, if you have never met or spoken to her? My ex cheated with someone from work and he told her we were separated. Keeping you apart and her being apparently 'too shy' to meet you seems suspicious on his part and makes me wonder what he has told her too.

I think there's a huge difference between a scenario where you haven't met her but it's just because you aren't really bothered and just never happen to be in the same place at the same time and one where he is actively avoiding you meeting her. I'd be concerned.

If I was this girl and truly didn't have feelings beyond friendship for mu new friend I would insist on meeting his wife, even just the once to reassure her (not verbally just through the act of meeting) and to make sure he knew that I saw him as only a friend.

As she hasn't done this I would be worried about her intentions even if you are confident that your DH currently harbours no attraction to her.

I agree you need to meet her.
Your radar is twitching and she needs to be aware of you
Somehow you need to get assertive and engineer a situation where he has to introduce you "This is my wife", he probably won't like it much but tough!

"So I'd say snoop, snoop and snoop some more. Check all his devices for messages, deleted threads and messages, check his social media, check bank account for gifts or dinners, check pockets for receipts etc, check for hidden phones etc."

I can see why people might say that, but surely that means the relationship is over? Over if she finds something- but also over if her suspicions drive her to these lengths.

OP. Just say "I'd really like to meet X, ask her when she's free for dinner." If he says no, then you need to sit down with him and talk about what's going on.

Smooshface - this is someone's life; there is no need to sound so excited.

OP - sorry, but this is not normal - I would be very suspicious.

My DH had a close female friend at work, and they would socialise out side of work as well.

The difference was that they wouldn't, or only very rarely, text or call outside working hours and if they met for dinner after work I would always be included in the arrangement, as would the friend's husband if he was around. Sometimes it would be just DH and friend, but I was able to get to know her enough, and to see DH around her to be confident it was purely platonic.

In your shoes I would make arrangements that next time they meet up I would come too, and brook no argument about the matter. If your DH really tried to resist, I would have it out with him, and say he was putting an unreasonable strain and jeopardy on your marriage.

I would be worried at the very least by the intensity of such a friendship in adulthood.

If someone else had written your post what would your thoughts be?