Should I be worried about my husband's friend?

[shawaddysh]

Please forgive me, I'm a complete newbie so I don't know all the right acronyms and things.

My husband has recently started a very close friendship with a female colleague. I haven't met her but they get on very well, I'm talking 'best friend status' here rather than fleeting fancy. He does not have very many friends, and it takes a long time for him to trust someone enough to become an actual friend.

I'm glad he's found a friend he trusts because he's had a few knocks.

I am very happy in myself, with our relationship, and very laid back. I have male friends myself that I am close with and have been since school. But not like this.

My husband and his friend are constantly texting, calling and don't go 2 days without seeing each other. It seems like a really nice tight friendship, one which I wish I had with my mates but even my closest friend doesn't get half the attention he gives her.

It's a new friendship, they met at work. I have not met her, and my husband does not want us to meet each other (blaming it on shyness on everyone's part). There are no huge reasons for me to be suspicious, and I agree that it's crazy to treat female friends differently to male friends (and vice versa). But I don't want to be a mug.

1. Is it weird that he does not want us to meet (I have no major social desire to meet her, other than curiosity)?

1. She comes to my house. But I haven't met her (I'm always at work/away when she comes round - by design) - should I worry?

1. Is there something going on and am I being a massive mug by being supportive of their friendship?

Does he tell you in advance when she is coming over? If so it is easy for you to change plans last minute and be there. However I might go rather for the idea a pp posted of saying you'd like to meet someone he is so fond ofso when can she come for dinner? Then if he fumbles over it I'd help myself to her number off his phone and send her a nice friendly text saying hey I know you're a good friend of my dh... have just suggested he invite you for dinner so we can meet. When are you free?

I would object to my DH having male friends come to my home that I was 'forbidden' to meet. It's my home. There is no 'forbidden' there.

Come home from work unexpectedly. Then you have to meet her.

How old is your DH? He's acting like child.

I bet he doesn't say until after she's been.

Op his behaviour is off-the-scale of weirdness.

All of my work friends have met DH. I like to show him off as he's fab. They can drop in to our house anytime, however never on a strictly alone basis
The shy thing?
She works with others, doesn't she? Gets up, goes to work, makes friends with people...
Not so shy then. Only shy with you. Wonder why that is?

The person who said your DH is 'hiding in plain sight' has hit the nail squarely on the head.
At some point your DH has had to decide how to play this relationship with this girl. He could either keep you in the dark or be 'open' about it. Either way he is deceiving you. I strongly suspect the reason why you are not allowed to meet this woman is because she hasn't been told you exist.

It sounds highly possible he hasn't told his new "friend" that he has a wife.

Does he change the bedclothes after her visits?

I also wonder whether he's lying to her. If I was too shy to meet someone I wouldn't be willing to go to their house.

I really can't believe this.
He brings this woman to YOUR house but you are not allowed to meet her.
WTF.
I would be livid .

I wouldn't be accepting of this at all.

Is this thread a joke?

Trust your instincts, I'd say it sounds suspicious. Might actually be just a friendship, but he can't seriously think that you won't worry about this?! Think about it - would you invite a man to your home but tell your dh he can't meet him as he's shy? It's unreasonable for him to expect you to be cool about it. Texting is all a bit secret squirrel too. Most workmates contact eachother publicly on FB or twitter outside of work. I think you are well within your normal sensibilities to be concerned.

Sorry, really wanted to tell you not to worry. But I have learnt that you must trust your instincts. They are usually right.

Nothing odd about it except for this: He will not let you meet her... but he's happy to let her visit your house.
Not so worried about the "inseparability" of it all - the texting etc. although it does seem a wee bit "high school".

At least meet her - she's a significant friend in your husband's life, a good friend - what's there to hide? He's a grown man - crying shyness is bollocks!!

Sounds dodgy but hopefully she is just massively shy fingers crossed it is innocent but I second the webcam idea

Unfortunately, people who want to get away with things will play on your emotions to get away with it. That's why you're having a hard time trusting your instincts. I don't want to put words in your mouth but...does he make you feel guilty about asking him about her? Make you feel guilty about asking about all the contact? Has he come out with the 'she's going through a really tough time at the moment and needs my help' line yet? That one's a corker, because it gives an excuse and tells you you're being cruel to stop him talking to her all in one. There will be lots of excuses and reasons that make you out to be the bad guy.

OP - good advice on here. I would openly invite her for dinner as pp suggested and if he evades that then come home unexpectedly. Maybe nothing going on - but at least you will meet her.

My DP has two close female friends whom he sees alone and talks to on the phone. I have met them both. He'll see them five or six times a year. I have stayed with them in their home with DP and our DC. The exclusivity is the worrying thing - not the friendship.

If she's not too shy to make a new intense friendship with an unknown bloke from work, then I'm sure she can manage to meet his wife without crying and peeing herself with fear

However, that's so obvious as to be beside the point. You're being taken for a fool. So, I wouldn't insist on meeting her - I'd make sure I spied - either webcam, sound recording in the house, or go to check them out next time they're having an 'at home' in YOUR house.

To answer your OP, you should indeed be worried - and pretty fucking angry that your H thinks it's ok to disrespect you by sending you packing from your own home and your own intimate relationship so he can spend quality time with ANY friend. However, this isn't a friend - it's an emotional affair or more.

Sorry but it looks like your husband is having an affair.
and you're facilitating it.
he's making a complete twat out of you, isn't he?
the OW sounds like a cheeky c*nt.
i would not let anyone treat like that.
clearly, this 'friendship' is an affair.
and that she's been in your home is utterly outrageous.
you need to catch him in the act.

Back to the shy thing, one question. Why is he prioritising her feelings over yours?

I'm gonna jump on the It's an Affair bandwagon too, OP. Or if it's not yet an affair, it's certainly heading that way. She's a work colleague so he only has just met her and already they are hanging around ALONE at your house while you are not there an he refuses to introduce you. I think you should do as someone else suggested - either wait til the next time he is inviting her over, and then you suddenly take the day off work and see what his reaction is or just go out to work as normal and if you know she's gonna be there, then come home early on a half day or something. He is being really shady.

Op, you say it's crazy to treat male friends differently from female friends and, in the main, you are right.

So think about how your husband would behave with a male friend. Invite him over only when you're not there? Refuse to introduce him to you? Have an intense relationship that involves frequent texting and meeting up while excluding you?

To be honest, I'd find that pretty unusual for any friend, male or female. I wouldn't dream of allowing any of my friends to treat DH like this, and I'm quite sure you wouldn't either.

and I agree that it's crazy to treat female friends differently to male friends (and vice versa)
I don't agree with that, I think it all depends on the dynamics and circumstances of the friendship. You haven't met her so how can you know if she is just a "friend" or not especially when he's so possessive of his friendship. You're right to be suspicious. I wonder if your DH would be happy for you to have a male 'friend' coming round but only when he's not there. If it's just an innocent friendship all well and good so there shouldn't be any reason for you not to meet her. Ignore his bleatings and make it a point to meet her. She comes to your house, you have every right.

I'd be more than concerned. It's a massive over step of boundaries. Something is going on. Emotional affair at the least. Definitely not on.

Big red flags here. So she's too shy to meet you, yet is ok to go into your house, your dh supports IT. Him talking about this 'friendship' openly and frequently is like rubbing your face in it. If she sees your dh just as a goid friend, she should be open to meeting you as you are an important part of his life. It's being conducted in a clandestine manner that's worrying and tge frequency of the communication between them and excitement when he recieves a text from her is a big red flag. Sounds like the honeymoon of a relationship, be careful!