Should I be worried about my husband's friend?

[shawaddysh]

Please forgive me, I'm a complete newbie so I don't know all the right acronyms and things.

My husband has recently started a very close friendship with a female colleague. I haven't met her but they get on very well, I'm talking 'best friend status' here rather than fleeting fancy. He does not have very many friends, and it takes a long time for him to trust someone enough to become an actual friend.

I'm glad he's found a friend he trusts because he's had a few knocks.

I am very happy in myself, with our relationship, and very laid back. I have male friends myself that I am close with and have been since school. But not like this.

My husband and his friend are constantly texting, calling and don't go 2 days without seeing each other. It seems like a really nice tight friendship, one which I wish I had with my mates but even my closest friend doesn't get half the attention he gives her.

It's a new friendship, they met at work. I have not met her, and my husband does not want us to meet each other (blaming it on shyness on everyone's part). There are no huge reasons for me to be suspicious, and I agree that it's crazy to treat female friends differently to male friends (and vice versa). But I don't want to be a mug.

1. Is it weird that he does not want us to meet (I have no major social desire to meet her, other than curiosity)?

1. She comes to my house. But I haven't met her (I'm always at work/away when she comes round - by design) - should I worry?

1. Is there something going on and am I being a massive mug by being supportive of their friendship?

I'm in the process of divorcing my husband after he told me about his colleague who was just a 'good friend'. Turns out they were having an emotional affair (at the very least). Life is too short to be with someone half arsed. Your dh is been massively disrespectful at the very least and something far more sinister is more than likely happening. Hope you find out either way

I would be booking an afternoon off then faking illness to DH to be able to arrive home when she is there, probably timing it for around half an hour after her arrival!

Hi thought I'd add my input, I work in a very male dominated industry and we work very closely together, as a result I have friendships with my colleagues. However, I would not be comfortable as the 'friend' not meeting you and going to your house only when you are not there, I would find this rude.

To be honest I would never go to a married colleagues house without their partner there, I would rarely contact them on days off, only over FB rather than text/ whats app.

You sound very reasonable, but I would not be happy with this. If a male colleague texted me constantly and did not want me to meet his wife and go to his house when she was not there I would think he was trying to have an affair.

Sorry, you are worth more than being told to avoid being at home when he brings ANY friend around, he's acting like he's embarrassed by you at the least which is not acceptable

Completely agree with everyone else - this is totally inappropriate and I imagine you know that

I've also had many male friends over my working life, but they've always been well known to my OH too; the idea of somehow keeping them "separate" would be unthinkable and simply wouldn't have occurred to me

Personally I'd just tell him that you expect to meet "such a special friend". At that point you can do it calmly without any need for dramatics; it's only if he still refuses that you'll need to do some hard talking

I'd fucking hit the roof if my husband had a special friend I wasn't ALLOWED to meet.

And they're meeting up in your home?

How has he managed to convince you this is ok?

i would be really concerned, i have male friends, mostly through work that i see at work, and have lunch with etc. Husband has similar female friends. if he suddenly had a female friend that was constantly texting, didnt want to meet me but came to my house when i was not there, i would be more than suspicious

I'm not sure that it's normal to contact married work colleagues of the opposite sex so often out of working hours. It's even more weird that she comes to your house specifically when you're out, it suggests that there is something more to it either from both of them or one of them.

Everyone needs friends, but I'm confused as to why a married man would need to have a female colleague as a close friend who can't also be, at least, an aquaintance of his wife too. That's the bit that would concern me. I may be off here but he's either having a very blatant affair with her or he realises that she has feelings for him and is protecting her, rather than having her feel awkward he's choosing to have you feel uneasy about it. Neither of which are great scenarios.

Emotional affairs are probably worse than physical ones, I'd worry that a friendship which is conducted in such a way may lead to this if it hasn't already. Sorry OP.

I don't wish to be the voice of doom, but I had a similar experience minus the meeting at home. Then I caught him out having had a secret date with her (they 'owed it' to themselves to explore their attraction to one another). They're now married with kids. Tread carefully.

do you actually have MUG written on your forehead or are they just thinking it when they see you?

Think about it if it was the other way round OP. If you had a male friend who you texted constantly, wouldn't let your DH meet and he came round your house only when your DH wasn't there. Doesn't sound dodgy at all eh?

Have you read Gone Girl?

In it, the female character tries to be "The Cool Girl"

"Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want."

Stop trying to be the Cool Girl! No friends you're not allowed to fucking meet!!!

There would be definite alarm bells ringing about him not wanting you to meet her. The "shy" claim is nonsense in my opinion. If he wants to meet her in your house regularly he should respect your wish to meet her.

I would say that you want to meet her in a she must be really lovely for you to get on so well so you'd really like to meet her. If he still refuses then, in my opinion, she doesn't know that he is married and he therefore has intentions on her or something is already happening or alternatively she doesn't want to meet you probably because their friendship is not entirely legitimate - possible emotional affair or worse.

I hope it is entirely above board but the not wanting you to meet is very strange if it is above board.

Because you know about their friendship doesn't mean it is innocent sadly. Some men are arrogant enough to conduct an affair in this way.

1. yes
2. yes
3. yes

What absolutely EVERYONE else has already said 1000 times over!

Don't feel bad, sometimes we just can't see what everyone else can from the outside. You don't trust him (or you really wouldn't have started this thread) I would say your instincts are right on this one. Don't be a door mat

I wonder what makes her think it's acceptable to visit your DH in your home but only when you're not there. No wonder they're "shy" of meeting you. They're either up to something or they're contemplating getting up to something. If this was a normal friendship they'd both be happy for you to meet his new "friend". They aren't because it isnt a normal friendship.
Wouldn't most potential adulterers just love to be able to conduct affairs so easily under the guise of friendship. Nip this in the bud now.

This happened to me except he wasn't my husband but my boyfriend at the time. He became very close to a mutual girlfriend of ours, hanging out together when I wasn't around, going to the pub together, she would even call around to her flat when I wasn't in. I trusted them both 100%. Turns out they were having a full on relationship under my nose and everyone knew except me. When I look back I cannot believe how blind and naive I was, it was so bloody obvious!! He then left me for her. That was 15 years ago and to this day I still cringe at how trusting I was. Major alarms should be ringing here OP, things aren't always what they seem.

Seeing as it's 12 hours since the OP posted, don't know if she'll be back.....but are you SURE this friend is female.......?

I dont think the gender is the issue. I knew someone who had a long term gf but was having an affair with a man.

What would annoy me is having to leave my house so this friend can come over. I think the webcam idea was a good one.

It's very weird indeed that he doesn't want you to meet and that she comes to your house purposely when you are not there. In normal platonic friendships where everything was above board and healthy on all sides he'd be inviting her over for dinner or inviting you to meet up with them both for a drink after work and suggesting you all socialise as a crowd, at least occasionally, not keeping you very much at arm's length. Something is not as it should be. Maybe he hasn't even admitted it to himself yet, but this stinks.

Marking place so I can come back and give my perspective once kids sorted.

Big red flags. However you need to decide what to do if they are having an affair or not. And prove it. Please don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.

Alarm bells ringing... if he checks you wont be around before she visits, next time say you wont be: then turn up. Or put a webcam in the bedroom and front room. Then you can see what the real dynamic between them is. He could well have told her all sorts like he isnt married or you have open relationship etc etc. Married men have no scruples about lying to get extra curricular sex IME. The 'other woman' is often told a pack of lies to get her into bed.

OP have you decided what to do?

The fact that he says you don't 'need to' meet her is weird.

If I met a guy I got on really well with and was spending alot of time with him, I'd be dead keen for him to meet DH - partly out of respect for DH, partly so to prevent the guy getting any mixed messages, and partly because I think life is better with DH around. The fact that none of these are a concern for your DH would bother me enormously.

Just another one agreeing the whole not wanting you to meet her is the problem here. I was thinking back to my own experience - dh has one close female friend (they did text, email and meet up a lot when she lived nearby - they both worked from home, so were bored, I think!) As soon as they started to become close, he arranged for her to come over for coffee with me - not as an official getting my permission type thing, but just so I could meet her. Now I'd also consider her a friend, though she is still closer to dh than me.
What would your dh say if you said you feel you need to meet her? Or really want to?