Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be worried about my husband's friend?

140 replies

shawaddysh · 08/03/2015 01:59

Please forgive me, I'm a complete newbie so I don't know all the right acronyms and things.

My husband has recently started a very close friendship with a female colleague. I haven't met her but they get on very well, I'm talking 'best friend status' here rather than fleeting fancy. He does not have very many friends, and it takes a long time for him to trust someone enough to become an actual friend.

I'm glad he's found a friend he trusts because he's had a few knocks.

I am very happy in myself, with our relationship, and very laid back. I have male friends myself that I am close with and have been since school. But not like this.

My husband and his friend are constantly texting, calling and don't go 2 days without seeing each other. It seems like a really nice tight friendship, one which I wish I had with my mates but even my closest friend doesn't get half the attention he gives her.

It's a new friendship, they met at work. I have not met her, and my husband does not want us to meet each other (blaming it on shyness on everyone's part). There are no huge reasons for me to be suspicious, and I agree that it's crazy to treat female friends differently to male friends (and vice versa). But I don't want to be a mug.

  1. Is it weird that he does not want us to meet (I have no major social desire to meet her, other than curiosity)?
  1. She comes to my house. But I haven't met her (I'm always at work/away when she comes round - by design) - should I worry?
  1. Is there something going on and am I being a massive mug by being supportive of their friendship?
OP posts:
SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 08/03/2015 08:07

This sounds like an emotional affair and if it isn't there is a huge risk of it becoming one.

LadyMaryofDownton · 08/03/2015 08:07

Haven't read it all as I am bewilderd at the fact that they go to your house while your not there & that you're ok with it.

Let it play out, next time he invites her round. Get a half day from work, follow them spy on them. & when the times right let your self into the house quietly. Prepare yourself for what you see, my bet is it won't be easy to see.

WilburIsSomePig · 08/03/2015 08:08

He's taking you for a mug, you need to meet this woman and find out exactly what's going on.

wowfudge · 08/03/2015 08:11

He doesn't want you to meet, but she comes to your house. Those two things indicate that 1) she doesn't know you exist or are still in his life and 2) he is hiding the truth from one or both of you.

His behaviour is not on. What reason has he given for not wanting you two to meet?

GrumpySwivelHead · 08/03/2015 08:12

The reason I am suspicious is that if the situation was the other way around (i.e. If you had a 'new best friend' that was male) would you feel it ok, or indeed necessary for them to meet your DH? I certainly would...

mooth · 08/03/2015 08:13

I would be really worried. I also wouldn't stand for it. 'Secret' friends only bring harm to marriages.

thatsucks · 08/03/2015 08:16

Hakluyt

Totally see what you're saying, and agree to a point. The thing is what tends to drive people slowly mad is the endless lying and switching it around on the part of the cheat...making the wronged partner believe they are paranoid. IME people want and need to know.

Bakeoffcake · 08/03/2015 08:16

You say he doesn't have many friends- could he be a bit naive in the area and not realise that it isn't normal to forbid your wife from meeting your friends?
I'd simply say "I'm glad you've got this friendship but I insist on meeting her" if he says no, could you show him this thread so he gets to understand what he's doing really isn't normal behaviour?

peggyundercrackers · 08/03/2015 08:17

why are you curious about her? would you be curious about a new male friend?

TheSingingMonkey · 08/03/2015 08:17

She comes round your house when you aren't there and you aren't being allowed to meet her.

To me either they're having an affair or about to. I would turn up when she's at your house.

I would definitely be suspicious.

lostincumbria · 08/03/2015 08:21

Peggy

I'd be curious if my wife had a new best friend who came to my home when I want v there, and I want allowed to meet. Very curious, irrespective of gender.

Shockers · 08/03/2015 08:22

I'd be curious about any new and intense friendship that was being played out, in part, in my home, where I wasn't 'allowed' to meet the friend peggy. Wouldn't you?

OddBodkins · 08/03/2015 08:23

What possible reason could he have for saying the two of you don't need to meet? That's absolutely ridiculous. He's going out of his way to hide this from you. No respectful partner would behave like this. Yes, I think there is something going on or there will be shortly, sorry op.

TheSingingMonkey · 08/03/2015 08:27

Her being a female friend is irrelevant, the secrecy is the issue.

What are you going to do OP?

ourglass · 08/03/2015 08:29

Yes you should.

TendonQueen · 08/03/2015 08:33

It is absolutely disrespectful that she deliberately comes to your house while you're out so as not to meet you. That's not on at all. I might bring a friend DH hadn't met home, and also DH might go somewhere else while I have a friend round because we are watching/talking about stuff that doesn't interest him. But I would never say 'X is coming round when you're not there and you can't come home then because X doesn't want to see you'. It's his house as much as mine! Same applies to you.

Do you get advance notice of this, or if not, is there a discernible pattern (or can you check his diary)? Because I would be inventing a dentist appointment to tell work about so that you can pop home in the middle of the day and surprise them.

DakotaFanny · 08/03/2015 08:35

Are there photos of the two of you together around your house? I am with those people who are querying whether she knows about you....which wouldn't necessarily indicate an affair but would be weird.

If there are photos, are they in the same place when she's been round? That's what I'd be checking first of all.

I want to say, of course men and women can be just good friends- because of course they can, but the secrecy and intensity would really worry me if this was my dh.

Hope you are okay OP- time to do some sleuthing, I think.x

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 08/03/2015 08:38

This is an affair. He is testing your boundaries and likely gas lighting you as well. It's not unusual, it's pretty common. Reverse psychology - so you think that he can't be having an affair because it's too obvious.

marshmallowpies · 08/03/2015 08:43

Even if he doesn't plan on being unfaithful, it may be that she is infatuated with him. My exBF developed a close friendship with a younger woman (we were late 20s, she was early 20s, but quite emotionally immature).

I resented it hugely even though he said there was nothing going on - but it was plain that she adored him and that he liked the hero-worshipping aspect of it even though he didn't fancy her.

ExBF and I split anyway and he carried on being friends with this girl - they've never been a couple as far as I know but I think he likes having a back-up option of a girl on hand who adores him and he could pick up in an instant if other options let him down.

So I'm not sure what she has got out of the friendship long term and I doubt it's been very healthy for her to be so infatuated with someone who doesn't really want her except as a loyal follower. That's just one possible scenario, anyway - and yes I resented it and yes it hurt me and yes tbh the emotional closeness between them hurt as much as if he had cheated on me, I think.

WasabiPeace · 08/03/2015 08:45

This is as dodgy as hell.

He's either told her he's single, or she knows about you and doesn't care.

Drivingnovice · 08/03/2015 08:47

OP in your position I would do these few things...
I would get this thread moved to Relationships
I would download the book Not Just Friends by shirley Glass to my Kindle and read it.
I wouldn't be bothered by the friendship as such, but by the secrecy and frequency.
I would without doubt come home early / unexpectedly when I knew she was in my house.
It sounds like me he's got a bad case of mentionitis, not a good sign IME.

If I had a new friend, male or female, I would want my DH to meet them.

dalmatianmad · 08/03/2015 08:47

Morning, you sound so laid back which is great but I can't help thinking that your dh is taking advantage of this!
I have lots of male friends and can't imagine getting close to any of them but I would insist on meeting their wife! How's without saying.
Do you have dc together?
I would be very suspicious and would try and check his phone/Facebook account etc.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/03/2015 08:53

Your husband does not want you to meet because everyone is shy?!?!

Wtf is that?!

Koalafications · 08/03/2015 08:53

I would be really suspicious.

I wonder if the 'friend' even knows about you? Is he doing the classic "we live together but it's over, has been for years" line?

Personally, I would use a camera as I would want to see their interactions for myself and take my time to digest it. Hard to do that if you are just sneakily looking at his phone when he pops to the toilet.

Is he very guarded with his phone?

IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat · 08/03/2015 08:56

I have a few male friends and I'll meet up with them with or without DH being there. DH is now friends with a few of them himself & will meet them to play golf etc. He has a couple of female friends - one was quite intense when we were first together & I was initially a bit suspicious but she was more like family to him & I now meet up with her on my own too.

The fact that he is so hell bent on the two of you not meeting is suspicious. Trust your gut.