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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
FafferTime · 07/03/2015 23:00

Most people would realise you'd made a mistake, well I did.

£1500 a month does sound a lot for one child, how much does that leave for the rest of the family? Do you earn as well?

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 23:00

Do you receive child support, OP?

AgentZigzag · 07/03/2015 23:01

How's your DH when you bring it up that you think he's paying over the odds OP?

Is some of it guilt for not living with his DS?

,

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 23:01

Forgot to mention £70000 after tax that is.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 23:02

So he is supporting all five children, including two that are not his, on this income, and you are grousing about his ex. Or does your ex also provide for the children you had with him?

The good ol' can't work but will be looking . . . soon . . .

OhMjh · 07/03/2015 23:02

'my dh salary is really stretched he earns £70,000 a year but it is not enough.'

Enough for what, exactly? Even minus the amount of maintenance he chooses to pay, you aren't exactly skint, are you? How exactly are your children suffering? Why is it a shock to you that DH's exDP thinks it would be nice if DSS came on holiday with you? It's not as though she's not taking him on holiday but assuming you will. I'm sorry, but I really don't see what your issue is, and this just smacks of third world problems.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 07/03/2015 23:02

You may wish to ask MNHQ to alter your title if that's the same as it reads as though you're blaming a child and his mother for your children 'losing out'.

When you marry someone with children then you know what you're in for.

Chillyegg · 07/03/2015 23:03

How can "extras" financially spite you?

Like others have said what about your 2 eldest?

70k a year is higher than most peoples income if it is your sole income? I

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 23:03

My ex was abusive to me and has not paid any money towards my dc. However I have worked up until I had my injury and had to stop work due to chronic pain.

OP posts:
WineListPlease · 07/03/2015 23:03

So you would be able to afford a foreign holiday, but an extra child means you can only afford to go camping?
Seems to me like your DH and DSS are getting the blame for everything you can't afford. Sure, if he didn't have his son then you would be able to afford more, but if you didn't have your twins, then you would be able to afford more for your joint children. He is supporting 2 step children too.

ghostyslovesheep · 07/03/2015 23:05

Barbie is a woman btw - I find your name quiet odd

your DH is obviously happy to pay - or he'd discuss it like an adult with her - maybe you have to talk to him

OvertiredandConfused · 07/03/2015 23:05

Ex income isn't relevant to maintenance but it is relevant to the top-ups she requests that should really be funded from maintenance.

If he is topping up to the extent that the DC he has with you get less then YANBU. DC you had first are not his responsibility and it's down to you to manage any impact of a discrepancy in the income between the fathers of your DC.

mommy2ash · 07/03/2015 23:06

so in that case your husband is not only financially responsible for his son which you resent and blame for your two kids with him missing out on what im not sure but also for your twins which are not his kids but this somehow isn't impact on your two kids?

should he start saying no to buying your twins a coat??

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 23:06

We are suffering due to mortgage living in London. We also have 4 dc. These extras are things that are imo luxuries that my kids don't have. I don't see why ex needs to demand dss has a gift from his father every month or that we have to pay allowences.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 23:07

My ex was abusive to me and has not paid any money towards my dc

And you haven't bothered to chase him? You marry a decent man (with a good income) who does fulfill his responsibilities and you're moaning about it?

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 23:07

So what's his gross income?

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 23:08

School shoes and uniform are luxuries?

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 23:09

Ah yes, the luxury of pocket money, a winter coat ....

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 23:09

No, you have 5 DC.

You're not suffering.

Get a job.

Chillyegg · 07/03/2015 23:10

So you have worked previously having 2 incomes so this is only a recent "thing"?
What do you mean gifts? Actual gifts like a game or bike or something?

Or gifts as in school shoes and coats?

Chillyegg · 07/03/2015 23:11

Ok can someone clarify to me what's being said hear I'm so confused Confused

Original poster
WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 23:11

I'm not going to give you my bank statement. We pay a lot in mortgage about £27,000 a year leaving us £20000 after mortgage and cm payments. We live modestly and are not reckless.

I am grateful of dh support of my children. I had an unfortunate injury but do want to go back to work when I can.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 07/03/2015 23:11

no - you and he have 2 'DC's' - if he is expected to provide for your kids - including 'extras' then he should do the same for his other child

these are things that should be discussed before marriage and kids really - he sounds like a decent man caring for his child - try not to get in the way of that

if you feel your kids are suffering on £58,000 a year TALK TO HIM don't bitch online about your step childs mother

PtolemysNeedle · 07/03/2015 23:11

What sort of gifts?

I expect you are projecting your feelings about yourself and your ex not financially providing for your children onto your ds's mum. It's not her fault that you are stretched because you have four children, and things that she was able to expect from her co aren't for her child shouldn't have to be affected because her ex is having to support other people's children.

Your position isn't an easy one to be in, but it's one that you have far more responsibility for than your husbands ex.

LineRunner · 07/03/2015 23:11

Sounds like he's paying his 15%. What exactly are you bringing to the party?