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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 23:38

It might be a nasty post. I don't think it's untruthful by the sound of it.

mommy2ash · 07/03/2015 23:40

i agree that the op was being unreasonable but its getting needlessly nasty now. if you take the figures out of it and someone posted my dh is paying 25% of his salary to his ex wife for maintenance. she still requests he pay for extras which i feel should be covered by the 25%. it is putting a strain on our finances and i don't know what to do. i think the responses would have been different.

WineListPlease · 07/03/2015 23:41

We also have 4 dc
No, you can't count your twins if you are not prepared to count his son.
You have 5 children that he is supporting.
You have double standards. You have prioritised your twins as more important and deserving than his son.

lurkerspeaks · 07/03/2015 23:41

Out of interest what was your financial situation like before you met your DH?

I am deeply suspicious that you lived on far far less than a proportion of 70k net.

Ergo the real issue is that your arrival on the scene complete with two children whose father you appear to have allowed to abdicate all responsibility actually decreased your DSS's quality if life.

This would only have got worse when you and his Dad had TWO more children.

You need to earn some money (plenty of jobs don't require mobility) or get your older children's Father to pay up or count your blessings and budget!

PostOfTheDay · 07/03/2015 23:41

The OP is unable to work. How is that grabby?

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 23:44

That's funny, I know people with no legs who work, paralysed people, people undergoing cancer treatment, people who cannot see . . .

SparklyReindeerShit · 07/03/2015 23:44

Mommy2ash I think you have to take into account the actual figures. If the op and dh were living on the breadline and he was paying 25% putting them into financial difficulty I could understand but she just seems pissed off they don't have as much money as she would like to go on holidays and treat her children ?

JassyRadlett · 07/03/2015 23:45

ilove, you're doing a fair bit of fabricating and embellishing. Are there issues you're projecting, or are you just treating OP as a bit of Saturday night sport?

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 23:45

Post there are many people who work through chronic pain if they need to.

I think lurkerspeaks has summed it up pretty well.

Lamourestbleu · 07/03/2015 23:48

In the OP's defense she said she was going to get a job.

PostOfTheDay · 07/03/2015 23:48

expat That's fantastic that all those people work but you have no idea what is wrong with the OP. There are lots of genuine reasons why people can't work and it's unkind of you to be so flippant about the OPs health. You don't know what her job is and you don't know how much pain she is in.

CocktailQueen · 07/03/2015 23:50

So your dh is supporting your two dc? And you can't be bothered to chase their dad for maintenance? You would have much more money as a family if your ex supported his dc.

You can't possibly resent your dh for supporting your children when your ex doesn't!! That would be crazy.

Plenty of jobs don't require mobility - could you do one, and bring some money into your household until your leg is better?

ilovesooty · 07/03/2015 23:51

OK, point taken about our lack of knowledge of the OP's health.

It just seems awful that she's so resentful of a man fulfilling his responsibilities to his child.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 07/03/2015 23:54

I agree that he's handing over too large a portion of his wages considering he's supporting 5 children, 4 of which he's the only provider for. But that's his problem to fix. As far as the extras are concerned, I'm not surprised you're being lynched here: you want him to stop buying 'extras' like school uniforms and winter coats for his child so that he can afford to take the other 4 on a foreign holiday. Chasing your ex for maintenance should help cover that shortfall, don't you think?

mommy2ash · 07/03/2015 23:55

sparklyreindeer

my point is that if you take out all the personal stuff that has riled everyone up the figures don't really matter. the ex is getting 25% of his wages and still wanting more. regardless of how much he earns surely most reasonable people would agree that isn't really on.

the op's husband should treat his son to whatever he wishes when he has him, i don't see the problem with the odd video game and the like but surely the child maintenance which is a much higher percentage that is legally required should be enough to clothe the child and buy him uniform and a coat etc.

Darkforcesatwork · 08/03/2015 00:06

If you simply look at the percentages...there are 5 children to support. One (DSS) receives 25%. 75% left over. Gives roughly 18% each for the remaining 4 children. Except there is a hefty mortgage to pay and other bills etc. So it is understandable that OP resents even more money heading DSS/EX's way. It has just all been worded very badly...

VinoTime · 08/03/2015 00:07

OP, even after you've paid maintenance and the mortgage you're still left with quite a tidy sum. I think you maybe need to factor in some lifestyle changes whilst you are out of work and scale back a little if you're feeling the pinch. But still, I wouldn't know what the hell to do with so much money! Your weekly income isn't too shy an equivalent of my monthly earnings Grin

PostOfTheDay · 08/03/2015 00:08

OP, what does your DH think about paying the 'extras'. I understand it's irritating if you think the ex is taking the piss but if your DH wants to pay then I don't see how you can stop him without causing huge problems.

Are you sure the ex is wealthy? Just because she lives in her parents swanky house doesn't mean she is well off. The same goes for the holidays, do you actually know she is paying for them? Perhaps her very wealthy parents are paying.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 08/03/2015 00:20

Actually the one missing out is your DSS, as a huge chunk of his dad's income is going on supporting TWO children that aren't his!

Why is it ok for your DH to totally support your children from a previous relationship but not his own.

coolaschmoola · 08/03/2015 00:29

I think the way to solve this situation would be to get your ex to support YOUR kids rather than getting dh to do it. That way there would be more money.

You really can't complain about him paying maintenance for his son or about his ex - at least they are both supporting their child....

Neither your ex nor you are supporting your twins... Yet you seem to think DH's ex is grabby Hmm.

HerRoyalNotness · 08/03/2015 00:47

Are you people actually joking??? That the father forks out 1500 a month to support his son, and then still have to buy him a winter coat, and what, the mother shouldn't use some of the 1500 to buy it?

I've heard it all now.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and start saying no. We did exactly that and after a couple of years of threats and moaning, we don't get hassled anymore. And yes I work to support our joint DC, I'll not see them go without due to a precious first family.

gingerprincess01 · 08/03/2015 00:58

I'm sad for DSS as it seems you had planned a family holiday without him and then felt resentful that you had to include him.

Jessica147 · 08/03/2015 01:01

dark, you could also look at it that support for dss is 25%, leaving 75% for the dp and his other two children. Sounds perfectly fair to me. If that 75% then gets split to cover additional children (which aren't the dp's) and the op, that's not the fault of the dss or dp's ex.

adventuretime11 · 08/03/2015 01:04

70k is net stripy

adventuretime11 · 08/03/2015 01:13

Agree 1500 is ample maintenance. If op is expected to fund her own dc to a certain level than so should ex wife.
Another mum was slated on here because she was surprised how little her stbex would have to pay for 3 dc and she was told csa minimum is plenty.