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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu To think that dss and dh's ex cause my children to lose out.

560 replies

WomenVsBarbie · 07/03/2015 22:30

I have two dc (15) from a previous relationship with a man who left me 6 months pregnant with twins. I have two dc (8 and 7) with my current partner. I also have a stepson aged 15.

OP posts:
clam · 09/03/2015 08:15

In addition to a whole host of people being really quite unpleasant on here (including, at times, the OP), it's compounded by a further group who appear not to be able to read.
THE OP DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO BARBADOS!!! That was the ex. The ex didn't cancel, and his Barbados trip with his mother was in addition to the OP's holiday.
And there are still people determined to quote £1500 a year, when it was made clear very early on in the thread that that was a typo.

I hate threads like this, when people pile in projecting their own "stuff" onto a glimpse of someone else's life. It's clear the OP doesn't care for her husband's ex - that's not unusual and she's presumably got grounds for her dislike. So what?

Stinkylinky · 09/03/2015 08:24

So let me get this straight, he pays for your two kids from a previous relationship but you have an issue with him supporting his child from a previous relationship? He sounds like a good man if I'm honest.

Perhaps you could get a job then you could have your foreign holiday.

OllyBJolly · 09/03/2015 08:29

Clam - you're right it's not unusual to not like the ex, but it is unreasonable in most cases.

The OP is blaming the ex and the DSS for everything - from holidays to their not being a "normal happy family" Her words.

This is unreasonable and unhealthy - and this is 11 years on? Every family has parameters and budgets they have to work to. I'll say it again, the OP's DH sounds like a saint. Wonder if he's buying his DS gifts to compensate for how unwelcome the boy feels in his father's home?

clam · 09/03/2015 08:43

Oh, and someone else who hasn't RTFT! Stinky the OP has always had a job (nursing?), until a serious injury at work led to her having surgery and a lengthy recovery.

icedgem30 · 09/03/2015 09:17

Stinky did you read any of the thread??? The op has said many times she believes the 1500 a month dh pays is fair and she has never suggested once she has an issue supporting him!

Her issue is that she believes things that the maintanence should be paying for aka winter coat is asked to be bought on top of the large maintenance. As well as ex demanding dss gets expensive gifts every month. That is what Op is talking about, and not the amount of CM.

And she paid most of the holiday. She has always worked before injury. Feel like banging my head against a wall sometimes.

LineRunner · 09/03/2015 10:29

I think the OP has been been dealt a shifty hand of cards on the employment front, even if she is a non-NHS nurse. Injured at work and no sick pay? That's disgraceful. I'd sue the buggers.

AyeAmarok · 09/03/2015 10:38

Do 11 bedroom houses actually exist? Other than as a hotel?

MistressDeeCee · 09/03/2015 11:02

If you are in a relationship and blaming the ex for all your woes then thats unreasonable. He either stops buying the winter coats and expensive gifts, or he doesn't. Perhaps he wants to, perhaps he feels guilty at not living with his son..it does sound a bit "all the DCs in 1 corner as a family unit with mum & dad, and DSS on the outside". DH sounds like a good man doing his best. I think its an unhealthy focus and obsession on DSS' mother thats the issue her, and its clouding so much of OP's life. She needs to chill out on it, years of it isn't good at all. Gifts & winter coat..why begrudge that, it sounds way too calculating, watching what he gives his own child. He is buying for his son not his mate.

Fauxlivia · 09/03/2015 11:08

We have a similar income and no of dc to support. £1500 per month is reasonable - neither excessive or stingy. The ex wife cannot compel your dh to buy expensive presents every month but at the same time the maintenance goes towards the child's living expenses, his dad should still want to buy him nice 'extras' as and when finances allow. We don't just buy the necessities for our kids and dss shouldn't just have those from his dad just because his parents are divorced.

I think that while you may have cause to dislike the ex wife, you have to take out of the equation how much money she has - that has no bearing on her entitlement to support from your h for their child and pondering on her lifestyle will drive you nuts so stop doing it!

Also dss could make the argument that if his dad wasn't supporting your kids he would have a higher disposable income, so be careful of analysing where every penny goes. If you are feeling skint it's partly because of your choice to have 2 more kids on top of the 3 you and dh already had. Five kids are pricey.

KatieKaye · 09/03/2015 12:05

OP said she was annoyed because the Ex "expects us to take dss despite the fact we had to cancel arrangements from a foreign holiday to camping as we could not afford to take another child". Who plans and budgets for a holiday for 6 people when there are 7 in the family?

The amount of CM is irrelevant, as is the fact that the Ex takes DSS on holiday and has wealthy parents.

It's clear the holiday was planned to exclude DSS, like he isn't a part of the family. I'm not surprised the Ex as pissed off about this. It's pretty shitty to plan a holiday that excludes one child, and even more so when that is the non-resident child who does not spend as much time with his father as his half and step siblings do.

OP told us that the Ex was also annoyed because her son isn't allowed to keep things in his father's house. Which again makes it sound that he is not made to feel like he is part of the family and more like a lodger.

What parent wouldn't be upset to think their son was being treated like a second class citizen? OP talks about her children "suffering" because of the Ex although the only example she was able to come up with was that holiday.

Stinkylinky · 09/03/2015 12:10

Couldn't have put it better myself katiekaye

Floisme · 09/03/2015 12:12

Well I'm totally confused. How much money do you live on? Who paid for whose holiday?? I have no idea but I do know this:

You chose a thread title in which you blamed your 15 year old stepson for your 'losing out.' If you didn't mean it to sound like that, you've had ample opportunity to get it edited.

Your husband sounds like a keeper. He supports 5 children, 2 of whom are not biologically his but he treats them all as his own. What a shame you can't reciprocate.

Ok this holiday.... It was clearly planned ages in advance as you say you had been saving up for three years. So it was a big family occasion yet you intended to exclude your stepson? Good luck in explaining that one away.

As for your husband's ex: she may well be a piece of work but she is still your step son's mother so I hope you keep your opinions to yourself when your children are around. I'm also a little surprised to hear that a multi millionaire would choose to live with her parents - even if they do have 11 bedrooms.

And for those insisting on credentials, no I not an ex wife.

icedgem30 · 09/03/2015 13:52

Flosime,

After the mortgage, the ex gets 1500 for dss maintainence, leaving 2000 for the rest of the children, dp/op and bills/food and extras for dss.

People were criticising the OP for not paying for her twins. She explained she did pay for them as she also worked but had to stop due to injury. The holiday was planned/taken when she was working and hence she paid for her twins to go and half of the other two dc she has with dh.

It looks like when planning holiday and working out costs dss was not included in the calculations. I know he did go but it seems by the way the op has worded it, he was only included when ex demanded they take him.

Not including dss first was highly unreasonable and very mean, if this is the case and it seems that it is.

From what I can see it seems that its exs parents who are rich and not the ex, though again I might be mistaken.

TigerMum8 · 19/04/2020 17:04

This

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 19/04/2020 18:49

Botox costs more than £350 a go.

Misses point of entire thread.

Outtedagain · 19/04/2020 19:09

Your dh supports his step children (your children) and you are sour because he supports his own child. Wow.
You have plenty of money and need to live within your means.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 19/04/2020 19:16

He has 3 children as do you. Combined you both have 5. He is fully supporting your 2 children who are not biologically his yet you complain hes supporting his own ds Shock Confused

DappledThings · 19/04/2020 19:17

@TigerMum8 You resurrected a 5 year old thread to write one word which could be in response to any of the other 500 posts on the thread? Why would someone do that?

AintNoMaryPoppins · 19/04/2020 19:26

I know this thread is old but I can't help but imagine spending £3,000 on ONE child per month.

LizzieLoafer · 19/04/2020 19:48

TigerMum8 are you pissed?

TigerMum8 · 10/04/2021 18:54

This

LavenderEast · 10/04/2021 19:37

YABU and I don't believe a word of this.

LavenderEast · 10/04/2021 19:38

Oh just realised it's not a recent thread, it popped up in active. Still think its bullshit though

CloudFormations · 10/04/2021 19:43

@TigerMum8 is this like an annual tradition?

x2boys · 10/04/2021 19:51

I was going to post the same @CloudFormations you beat me to it 🤣,bizarre