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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been seriously ill, DP gone out on the piss.

164 replies

MadHattersWineParty · 06/03/2015 18:38

Earlier this week I was hospitalised for a pulmonary embolism. Was a big shock, am 29, don't smoke, fit and active etc etc (well was until this anyway!)

We don't live together, but quite close by in the same area of London. Tonight my DP (been together since June last year) has gone to a friend's birthday drinks so I'm on my own, still feeling horrible from the effects of the blood clot, shuffling around and struggling with my medication which is making me very sick. Add to that all the mental stuff and the 'what ifs' (I was lucky, they nearly didn't catch it before it was a lot worse) and I'm feeling pretty bloody sorry for myself. (Although glad to be alive obviously)

My Dad has been staying with me as he was so worried but went back earlier today.

Normally on a Friday night I'd be out drinking wine and having fun but can't obviously. Boyfriend to be fair has been good this week in terms of hospital visits, concern, practical help etc. I don't at all want to come across as needy but AIBU in thinking he might have stayed in with me tonight and watched a film or something? These are friends he sees regularly. I hated myself for doing it but I text asking if he would pop in on the way to this drinks thing to give me a hug and some lucozade, as it's all I can keep down on these tablets, but he says he'd be too pushed for time as he's got to do a bike-ride before going out.

Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself that I can't go out and have fun, I don't know. I know I have taken up a lot of his time this week in terms of hospital visits and fetching clothes etc, but can't help feeling a bit upset that I have been very ill indeed and he's off drinking cocktails.

So AIBU in being put out?

OP posts:
livingzuid · 07/03/2015 13:47

Hi op so sorry to read how unwell you have been. I hope you had an OK night and are doing a bit better today and home from hospital.

Your P sounds dreadful. Exactly like my XH. Everything else is more important than you - even when you have had a life threatening illness. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle? You deserve much better than this.

And quite frankly if he is so obsessed by missing a bike ride to make sure someone he is meant to give a shit about is OK then he has other issues to focus on rather than a daily cycle Hmm

Thanks
GatoradeMeBitch · 07/03/2015 13:58

I hope you're being well taken care of in hospital OP. I wouldn't worry about the BF situation until you're back on your feet, the less stress the better right now. But I hope he felt like a knob when he woke up today to find you'd been taken into hospital while he'd been at a party. It is best to call on your friends now you know your BF can't be relied on.

Oldraver · 07/03/2015 14:02

Concentrate on yourself for the moment and put the boyfriend situation to the back of your mind, hard though it may be.

He's not giving you a second thought so why waste time on him, get yourself better then have a think of the future

HelenaDove · 07/03/2015 14:20

Hope you have had a restful sleep OP Just relax and think of yourself You and your body need as stress free a time as possible to recover Thanks

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 14:35

Focus on yourself. Get rid of this guy. He's very selfish. Does he even know you are back in hospital?

mrsallergy · 07/03/2015 14:40

Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option.

In other words - get shot.

I hope you're on the mend OP.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 07/03/2015 16:37

Was just about to say what mrsallergy said ^ if he can't vary his precious routine to look after you, then you are not his priority. If I can take the time to read 6 pages then post in support, he can take 20 mins to pop in on you with juice and a cuddle. Arse.

Get better soon, please update when you can as I'm sure we would all like to know you are getting better. Flowers

DamselNotInHerDress · 07/03/2015 17:04

OP hope you're home now resting up with a friend.
If you were my friend i'd be round like a shot with your lucozade, stupid film and a takeaway menu (for me as youve been feeling so sick!).
And I hope you've had time to reflect on how your boyfriend is a selfish arse.
Dropping in to you would have set him back an hour of a night out with friends that he sees regularly. Bet his friends think he's a dickhead too.
Brew Flowers

Coumarin · 07/03/2015 17:16

I've tried to think of good reasons but no, sorry, that's not on. If my DH had been/was that ill, I'd be too worried to enjoy a night out. I'd want to be taking care of him.

He should be at your house making you dinner, hot drinks, bringing flowers, watching films with you. He should want to be doing all that. He doesn't. Sad

My alarm bells have sounded. I think you might have to show this one the door. You deserve better. Flowers

DonttouchthatLarry · 07/03/2015 18:32

hope you're feeling better and being looked after properly. I had a dvt in my calf last year and was really scared - I definitely needed my husband around even though a friend offered to take me to a&e. Your bf doesn't sound like he considers you or your relationship a priority, sorry to say Sad

captainfarrell · 07/03/2015 19:21

YANBU. He could have arranged for a friend of yours to be with you while he was out. Maybe he doesn't realise how bad you were? Maybe he had a shock and needs to escape?

WalkJumpClimb34 · 07/03/2015 19:58

I hope the boyfriend just didn't realise how serious your illness is. What I would like to know is what has he done for you during this week? How much has he put himself out for you, before Friday?

Anaffaquine · 08/03/2015 01:57

I am glad you got back to hospital and are getting looked after.
Your DP was being selfish and should not have needed prompted to want to be looking after you.
I'm just out of hospital and still very weak. My dh has been less than wonderful in seeing that I couldn't just step right back into looking after our 3yo and 8mo. He is so used to me just coping. However, he would never have left me in the state you were in. He was being a bit thick. Your DP was being selfish.
Has he been in contact and even realised you are back in hospital?
In a way, it is a good thing you don't live together. It will make a split easier. He should want to look after you. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you.
To the posters who think the OP is being needy. No she isn't. You are being inhuman. I sincerely hope you have never been in the position of the Op and are just naive. Needy?!? For fuck sake.
Get better soon, op.

giraffesNeedBigPoloNecks · 08/03/2015 02:15

How are you now?

cailindana · 08/03/2015 06:05

When DH and I had been going out about 2 months I had a TIA - a sort of stroke that clears on its own and leaves no damage. It was scary and I was kept in hospital but really I was fine, no meds or anything. Still, DH walked an hour and back to and from the hospital sometimes three times a day to spend his every spare minute with me. He was beside himself with worry, even though I was in no immediate danger.
This guy doesn't care about you. It's clear.

I hope you're ok and have people looking after you.

CoffeeBeanie · 08/03/2015 07:02

How are you OP? Hope you are back home and starting to recover.

straighttothepoint · 08/03/2015 07:13

Hope you are better. Get rid of selfish tosser bf

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 08/03/2015 07:22

If you became a longterm couple and had children there might be other times when emergency health situations happen. I'd want a partner who understood how important it is to offer love and comfort, not a selfish man who put his routine above all else.

Get well soon, OP Flowers

expatinscotland · 08/03/2015 09:13

'Whar he has done for the OP?' 'How he has put himself out?' WTF difference does that make? When you care about people, you want to care for them and be near them when they are as seriously ill as OP. You don't consider it 'being good' or doing something for them in a point scoring exercise or putting yourself out. Unless you're an arsehole.

A 32-year-old is old enough to be well aware how dangerous a PE is.

Hope OP is recovering well and please, please, bin dickhead people who don't care enough about you.

Original poster
MadHattersWineParty · 08/03/2015 09:36

Thanks for all the support, it has really meant a lot.

Out of hospital now and have anti-sickness medication as I want to try to persevere with the tablets I'm on.

Boyfriend has been in touch apologising but I don't have the head space to deal with him at the moment. It's actually completely turned me off him personality-wise so making the break seems easier than I thought it would be. Oh, and he definitely realised how serious it was. He used to work in a hospital and was actually the one who explained a lot of the terminology to me when I was first diagnosed.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/03/2015 09:40

Glad to read you are okay. Make yourself #1. Glad this put you off him. You deserve much, much better. Never accept behaviour that you would never dream of doling out yourself. He's shown you that you are not a priority. Bin him when you feel like it. What a dick. Apologises later.

Hope you have good friends round you and your recovery goes well.

trackrBird · 08/03/2015 09:51

Hope you feel better soon.
Your DP has shown he is a fair weather friend who puts his own wishes first.
Your life has been in balance and he's focusing on a bike ride.

diddl · 08/03/2015 09:54

Well you haven't been together that long, but there's always compromise, isn't there?
Shorter/no bike ride, late for drinks/don't stay out long...

Also, he is seeing you regularly & you are having sex so that to me would indicate some degree of caring & wanting to be with you.

Wonder if has apologised because he's really sorry or someone at the drinks was very WTF about him being there?

Probably too little too late!

Look after yourself, OP.

passthewineplz · 08/03/2015 13:14

Glad you're on the mend hun, sorry to hear about your BF. Just concentrate on getting better at the moment and try and forget about him. Flowers x