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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to shift goalposts on childcare and put 6wk old into ft nursery

251 replies

Jackieharris · 06/03/2015 14:34

I'm pregnant. Planned 3rd DC. I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time so we agreed before pregnancy he'd be the sahp and I'd go back to work early with this one.

I'm in the process of changing jobs so won't get smp so have to go back after 6 weeks, no option. If DP hadn't been willing to be sahp I would have waited to ttc until I'd bulit up maternity entitlements again and taken maybe 3-6 months off instead.

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)

Now if this had been before the pregnancy I'd be so happy for him. But I feel like he has totally moved the goalposts for me. He seems to think instead of him being a sahp we can just put newborn into ft nursery at 6 weeks.

I'm not against nursery. Other DCs went, but not until 11 months old.

I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)

He's planning on doing this without actually asking my opinion or doing any research on how it will work out re: tax credits, logistics of nursery runs (he doesn't drive, I do), who will be off when baby is sick etc.

I felt able to go back to work so quickly because I was relying on having a sahp and the convenience that brings in terms of sick days, no having to get a newborn up and out early etc.

I'm really annoyed. 1) that he didn't discuss this with me 2) it isn't what I agreed to when we ttc

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 06/03/2015 14:36

Wait and see whether the £400 pw thing comes off first...........

PoppyFleur · 06/03/2015 14:40

YANBU to be annoyed however I would wait to see if the opportunity materialises first before taking further action. It may all come to nothing.

Original poster
Jackieharris · 06/03/2015 14:41

Yes it is a bit hypothetical atm. That's why I'm not really saying anything to him about it yet.

OP posts:
Lunastarfish · 06/03/2015 14:43

YANBu re not being informd. However, couldn't you claim maternity allowance? (if DP is no longer willing to be a SAhP and nursery doesn't appeal at this stage?)

KittensOnAPlane · 06/03/2015 14:43

i'm a bit confused, "Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)..... I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)"

will he be working and bringing in the £200 while SAHP?

Pico2 · 06/03/2015 14:44

I'm not convinced that a nursery will take a 6 week old. I have one sitting on my lap and really can't see how she could be in nursery (and I'm not at all against nurseries, she'll be in one at 3 months).

BeyondRepair · 06/03/2015 14:44

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity

How odd.

He doesn't see a problem with nursery for a 6 week old?

I personally wouldnt care coming across like the biggest bitch in the whole world, there is no way a 6 week old of mine would go into nursery unless it was catastrophic to not do so.

Teasugarcoffee · 06/03/2015 14:45

I don't know if it's the sort of response you're looking for but I'm shocked that he would choose to put a six week old in full time nursery care. (I'm not making any judgement about people who have no choice).

Number3cometome · 06/03/2015 14:47

My 8 week old will be going to nursery FT.

I am the main breadwinner in my house and OH also needs to be working.

I have 2 other children who went to a childminders at the same age and there is nothing wrong with them!

If you have to work, you have to work. Doesn't make you a bad parent!

Finola1step · 06/03/2015 14:48

Yes, wait and see. But in the meantime, start doing some research. I had both my dc in part time childcare from 8 months. The earliest I've ever seen a day nursery take a baby is 3 months.

The whole applying for a new job without discussing it with you, is a symptom of a much bigger issue.

EvilTendency1 · 06/03/2015 14:50

I couldn't put a 6wk old in nursery :( That's such a young age for them to be away from their parent.

Number3cometome · 06/03/2015 14:52

Just because you 'couldn't' do it, doesn't mean others don't have to!

If you have the means to be able to stay at home, then good for you, but not everyone does!

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/03/2015 14:52

Will this job offer more opportunities if he takes it.

I understand why you are angry after all you took all the time the last two times you had a baby and taking his turn is only fair.

but I didn't understand why he wasn't honest and said tat he did t want to he home with the baby. and if theres going to be no extra money involved then clearly he never really wanted it either as there's really no incentive at this point so clearly he was looking for a way out. (well that would be my guess) You weren't then able to make a decision based on the real facts.

not sure why either of you would a green to have another baby of no one really wants to loom after it.

BeyondRepair · 06/03/2015 14:54

I don't understand Number 3.

In that I simply wouldn't choose to have another baby knowing I couldn't personally care for it, at such a vulnerable young age.

Accidents are one thing, but I could not have another baby, out of choice in these circs. So where does the have to come from?

ArcheryAnnie · 06/03/2015 14:56

YANBU - if you have made an agreement about something so important, and he's changing it without consulting you, then he's totally out of order.

BeyondRepair · 06/03/2015 14:56

not sure why either of you would a green to have another baby of no one really wants to loom after it

Yes strikes me as profoundly strange, and odd too.

Number3cometome · 06/03/2015 14:57

BeyondRepair
I'm sorry?? My baby was planned, but I still have to go to work. Good for you that you have the luxury of being able to stay at home.
A nursery is more than capable of looking after a baby, my god they probably have more experience than any of the mothers on here, so don't you dare assume that we don't fucking care about our children.

I will be with my children from the other hours in the day when I am not working, it won't be given up for fucking adoption to the nursery!

Wake up and welcome to the real world where people go to work.

Chchchchanging · 06/03/2015 14:58

If you're working now you'd be entitled to mat allowance rather than leave, so smp for 39 weeks does that help stretch your time off?

Number3cometome · 06/03/2015 14:59

not sure why either of you would a green to have another baby of no one really wants to loom after it.

WTF???? Jesus Christ, you think because someone goes to work they don't want to look after it?

So are you saying if your child goes to nursery for a year, then after the year you have decided not to look after it? Of course not. What a stupid thing to say.

Chchchchanging · 06/03/2015 15:00

Bye if nursery is even a possibility in order to get 1. A ft place and 2.- place for baby under 3mo you'd need to be booking a place now- not sure if would apply where you live?

BeyondRepair · 06/03/2015 15:00

Wake up and welcome to the real world where people go to work

Touchy.

My post was in response, to your post implying people have to have babies then put them into nursery at weeks old.

I disagree, no one has forced you to have a baby when you cannot look after it.

You have chosen to have this baby. You feel its OK to put a young baby into nursery, I would not choose to have a baby if I knew I couldn't stay at home with it, at such a young age.

In the real world, people weigh up whats acceptable or not to them, within their life constraints and circumstances. I would not have a baby in these circumstances.

Number3cometome · 06/03/2015 15:01

I disagree, no one has forced you to have a baby when you cannot look after it.

I can look after it, hence I can afford to pay £900 a month for him to go to nursery. You being a stay at home Mum doesn't mean you do a better job of it.

In the real world, people weigh up whats acceptable or not to them, within their life constraints and circumstances. I would not have a baby in these circumstances.

I would. And I will be working, just like I did with my last two!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 06/03/2015 15:02

Tbh id be tempted to give him the responsibility of all of the nursery stuff. I would simply say (in the hope that it would all be too much for him)

"As we discussed, I am returning to work after six weeks and you were supposed to be staying at home. Now that you have decided that you wish to work, any childcare is subsequently you responsibility". He will need to factor ij drop offs and collections, cost, vetting them, staying off work when the baby has a snuffle and cant go in, packing up the bag and the milks etc. His choice? He can sort it.

then Id quake in the corner incase he actually goes ahead with it

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 06/03/2015 15:03

Oh and I forgot to put, that at that age, id rather use a CM than a Nursery, so id suggest he visits some CMs too.

Number3cometome · 06/03/2015 15:03

BeyondRepair

Oh and guess what, shock horror, I even manage to fully breastfeed by expressing milk at work and bringing it home every evening.