DP wants to shift goalposts on childcare and put 6wk old into ft nursery

[Jackieharris]

I'm pregnant. Planned 3rd DC. I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time so we agreed before pregnancy he'd be the sahp and I'd go back to work early with this one.

I'm in the process of changing jobs so won't get smp so have to go back after 6 weeks, no option. If DP hadn't been willing to be sahp I would have waited to ttc until I'd bulit up maternity entitlements again and taken maybe 3-6 months off instead.

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)

Now if this had been before the pregnancy I'd be so happy for him. But I feel like he has totally moved the goalposts for me. He seems to think instead of him being a sahp we can just put newborn into ft nursery at 6 weeks.

I'm not against nursery. Other DCs went, but not until 11 months old.

I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)

He's planning on doing this without actually asking my opinion or doing any research on how it will work out re: tax credits, logistics of nursery runs (he doesn't drive, I do), who will be off when baby is sick etc.

I felt able to go back to work so quickly because I was relying on having a sahp and the convenience that brings in terms of sick days, no having to get a newborn up and out early etc.

I'm really annoyed. 1) that he didn't discuss this with me 2) it isn't what I agreed to when we ttc

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity.

AIBU?

I don't think anyone is saying that nurseries/childcare is always better, I just don't think anyone is providing "inarguable scientific fact" that they're worse or that care from a parent is objectively better in the first three years than care from another loving caregiver.

Hi sorry not rtft but for my tuppence worth if you have to leave the baby with someone imo it would be much better to find an excellent cm rather than a nursery. Babies need someone to form an attachment to and the nursery environment can be very stressful for young babies.

YANBU to be annoyed with your dh, my guess is when the baby is born and the reality of leaving a tiny 6 week old with anyone sets in he would change his mind. I find it amazing that anyone can work 6 weeks after having a baby - I could barely make it out of the house or string a sentence together 6 weeks in!!

Leedy, nurseries are not "another loving caregiver". They're institutions. I really believe in the value of excellent early years ed and my son thrived at a loving preschool from 2.5 years, when he was at an age where he needed external input. He would have thrived with a good childminder from early infancy, too, I have no doubt. I also happen to think a child is far better off with someone who enjoys childcare, and some fab mothers don't like fulltime care of tinies and prefer to work and employ a great childminder for babies and older kids, and good nurseries for older kids, and that's just sensible. I think all that is positive. I also think that comparing SAHM with nursery care is a bit skewed because, by definition these days, most SAHM want to do the role and are from relatively affluent backgrounds. That is an optimal situation for a child. It doesn't mean all women stuck at home, hating every second and struggling financially would be able to provide a childhood as excellent as that they could do with a good job and great childcare.

But a 6 week old baby is barely aware of what is happening outside the arms its in. And they bond very strongly with the people who care for them. I don't think it has to be a mother but I don't think a nursery can give them what they need. At all. A toddler, and maybe. Maybe. But a tiny baby, no.

When DD was an hour old, heat lamps and skin to skin with DH couldn't get her warm enough. They woke me up and had her skin to skin and she was fine within 10 minutes. The midwife told me newborns still have a lot of their body function regulated by their mothers in the early days. I have no idea how true that is, but she said studies show heartrate, temperature and hormones are all regulated by the mother's body for quite some time, if the pair are kept together.

I don't think it's essential for any child from a loving home to be kept away from a nursery. They get plenty of love and cherishing at home, after all. But it's hardly ideal, either.

You only have to look around a lot of nurseries, to find them seriously 'lacking' in many ways, to look after preschoolers let alone very young babies! A lot of early years workers do not match the skills and competencies of teachers and yet people entrust their babies with these people, where as they would never allow their much older children to be taught by an unqualified teacher! I struggled to find a nursery where the early years staff where competent enough to look after my three year old let alone a baby!

Actually the nursery we use would very definitely fit the model of "loving caregiver" - both boys there from about a year. Very low staff turnover (most of them have been there since it opened), very small, qualified staff, "family" feel, same two carers for the small number of toddlers. I don't disagree that some nurseries are terrible, but definitely not all.

I used to work in a private nursery where we took babies from birth if I remember correctly.

We had a tiny little boy I think he was 4 weeks he went mon-Friday 8-6pm everyday.

Of course he was none of the wiser and he was given complete 1/1 care, but he grew very attached to his main carer and cried when he had to go home (when he was bigger) I no that would break my heart.

Alot of stress is put on mums and im fortunate I didn't have to leave mine till older but even though I worked in a nursery I would definitely recommend a child minder.

Just be prepared your little one will grow very attached if this is the route you chose.

I would agree with everything sleeponeday says...I'm so sorry you are in this position.I would be looking for a very good childminder.Definitely not a nursery.Your baby is far too young and needs to form
An attachment with one loving caregiver

OP, I'm a bit worried by your update where you say the new opportunity (if DH gets it) would be ok as DH would only have to be on site occasionally.

But he'd still have to work the rest of the time right - albeit from home? I don't think it's possible to look after a baby and do any more than an hour or two's work per day (and some days even that would be impossible). Do you think this would work?

As regards DH going back to work after 6 months - I think that is something you might have to be flexible on tbh - you can't really force someone to be a SAHP - even if he is moving the goalposts. I think however you could ask him to give it a go and see how he finds it and decide after that, rather than deciding now. I also think you can legitimately insist that he takes on the "primary parent" role ie he is primarily the one to worry about pick ups and drop offs, purees, homework, clean clothes, World Book Day etc etc. Or earn enough to cover an au pair to do this stuff. Sounds like you're already on that page though

well done for ignoring all the "why have a baby if you don't enjoy looking after it" rubbish.

I asked him about that mini pie. He said all he'd have to do on a day to day basis is send the odd email. Great work if you can get it, eh!

He already is the 'primary parent' atm anyway so it shouldn't be too much of a change. He's just better at the day to day stuff than the long term planning part of parenting.

I do have a suspicion that he is expecting dmil to help quite a bit. I told him he better ask her first!

It's possible to work from home while looking after newborns. I did this with 2 DCs. With one, it was very difficult, as she rarely slept. The other slept a lot more, and it was easy, felt very similar to my normal working. If Mum intends to express for all that time it will be a bit of a hassle doing that.

Well, if he says he can do it you'll just have to trust him I suppose. He may change his mind when he's in the middle of it all but hopefully that will mean the job goes rather than you have to pick up the pieces!

It's a bit depressing that these threads always turn into a SAH vs WOH mother (it is really mother isn't it?) fight. Everybody having to defend their right to exist. I wish we could all be a bit more supportive of each other.

I find the comments about "why have babies if you aren't going to completely sacrifice a career you love and are great at to stay at home 24/7 when there are excellent childcare options in this world available to you so you can ensure the wellbeing of your absolutely adored kids" posts both ridiculous and depressing. Especially given some were posted around International Women's Day. So much for sisterhood.

I'm a SAHM myself, I may add. Just a neutral observer in the mummy wars, because said wars are IMO utterly misogynist bollocks.

I'd be absolutely livid with my husband to be honest.

I get why anyone would rather be at work than on mat leave and his cavalier attitude and let's face it, probable utter presumption that his mother would do the lion's share while he makes a good impression with a new employer takes my breath away. I would be spitting feathers.

All this is predicated on him getting the new job for starters so it may not be an issue in the long run. I would be firmly pointing out that his new salary is going to be spent on childcare pretty quickly.

Best of luck.

What was DP like with the first- did he 'need his sleep'.... etc

If your earning more then he should be SAHP, he's just weasling out of it at any cost. I find it sad that he doesn't seem himself as a parent/its womans work.

Nearly all the replies have referred to the OP's "DH", but the OP calls him "DP". If they aren't married, then isn't the usual advice on this forum NOT to become an SAHP, not to give up financial independence etc, because non-financial contributions are not recognised if the couple split?

If he got the job won't you be earning too much for tax credits? I earn about what his new job pays and we dont get them and we are married.

I have recently working in different nursery settings and all I can say is, unless you are in a situation where you are the only breadwinner of the house then please really think long and hard about sending your babies there. They do not receive the attention they need. They are often left to cry it out and the quiet ones pretty much get ignored because the attention is on the 'demanding' baby. There are soo many rules and paperwork for the staff to follow that they have to also take that into account whilst trying to look after the babies. I have also worked in the toddlers room and if you knew how muxh your child missed you and pines for you, you would perhaps reconsider sending them in for a full day. They don't have the same freedom as they would at home or the attention. Even when a 'chilled' out child cries they are told 'oh, you are fine. There is nothing wrong with you.' I mean just the lack of affection for these kids and a just wrong. I just feel since I have been working in different nurseries, it has opened my eyes into how institutionalised private Day nurseries are. I was thinking of sending my child who is 2 yrs old to one just up the road from where we live, but not now I just won't put my child through their kind of living nightmare.

Oh piss off. 'Living nightmare'?

This is a zombie btw

Read all 10 pages.......yet the fury seems to be aimed at the wrong person.

Why is op - or anyone else not furious that the DP has 'gone back on his word'?
He's changed their agreement to suit himself without any consultation - this affects the whole family and not just financially.

It sounds to me like you were the only one 'planning' the baby OP, your DP was busy planning on how to avoid changes to his cushy lifestyle.

He said all he'd have to do on a day to day basis is send the odd email
he shouldn't have to be 'on site' apart from the occasional meeting

How long has he been self employed for?
How much do you really know about his company/work?
Just wondering when he last paid 50% towards bills etc & what his 'working hours' are that earn him £200 a week (gross or net?)

Just that nobody is going to pay him a full wage - or even the Minimum Wage - to do basically fuck all.
So he's being evasive - why?

He's already said he won't go to toddler groups which I'd rather he did

He's also 'not thought' about the logistics of drop offs/childcare etc - has he been involved in that with the others?
I forgot - doing all the thinking is your job too

He obviously doesn't enjoy being a hands-on/ft dad/sahp, and he prefers to put his needs above those of his family's......so why did he even pretend to be onboard with it?

What exactly will he be doing in all that 'spare time' he has with the new contract if not making dc the priority?

Oh, and this is a corker - He already is the 'primary parent' atm anyway so it shouldn't be too much of a change

How can he call himself the 'primary' parent when he actively avoids those responsibilities?

What happens if you break up tomorrow?
You have to move out - and stays in the house with the dc because he's got everyone fooled into believing he's the 'primary parent'?
Or he goes for full residency of no.3 because he's 'primary carer', and you have to pay him maintenance - just to watch him palm the dc off on mil?

He's workshy, manipulative and rather cunning...i think you need to wise up a bit.

This is a zombie thread

Although it should be obvious to anyone with an ounce of childcare experience or understanding of child development that 6 week old babies do not belong in full time childcare. I don't care what people say to justify it, it simply doesn't meet their needs at that early stage of development.

This 'crisis' has exposed a very poor communication dynamic between you and your H, one where agreements are made where both parties have very different ideas as to what they are agreeing to. Your relationship dynamic appears to be, you being the one that does (plans, organiser, takes ultimate responsibility) and him the 'go along with it when it's convenient' one.

The 'experiment' has failed before it even started. For your own sanity, I would be very wary of making agreements of such high stakes in the future, with someone with such poor communication skills and a seemingly inability to appreciate the consequences of the commitments he makes, not just to you but to potential employers also. I would be looking at any future employment contract very closely because after this debacle, I would not trust him to fully appreciate the consequences the contract terms will have on his ability to care for your baby.

I can understand theoretically why you decided on the SAHD experiment but practically speaking, it doesn't sound like your H is a suitable candidate for the role. I wouldn't have much confidence in someone taking on the responsibility of being a SAHP when a) they appear clueless as to that responsibility and the restrictive nature of the role and b) doesn't really want the responsibility. Personally, given his lack of understanding of the role of SAHP, I would take his 'assurances' with a large pinch of salt.

In the end, your H being a 'SAHP' could make your life harder because you'd be required to take up the slack of the bits he decides to check out of.

I would be mad too! I know people sometimes have no choice and it must be hard but it would break my heart to put a 6week old in nursery. They are just not going to get the love and atrention they need.