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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to shift goalposts on childcare and put 6wk old into ft nursery

251 replies

Jackieharris · 06/03/2015 14:34

I'm pregnant. Planned 3rd DC. I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time so we agreed before pregnancy he'd be the sahp and I'd go back to work early with this one.

I'm in the process of changing jobs so won't get smp so have to go back after 6 weeks, no option. If DP hadn't been willing to be sahp I would have waited to ttc until I'd bulit up maternity entitlements again and taken maybe 3-6 months off instead.

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)

Now if this had been before the pregnancy I'd be so happy for him. But I feel like he has totally moved the goalposts for me. He seems to think instead of him being a sahp we can just put newborn into ft nursery at 6 weeks.

I'm not against nursery. Other DCs went, but not until 11 months old.

I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)

He's planning on doing this without actually asking my opinion or doing any research on how it will work out re: tax credits, logistics of nursery runs (he doesn't drive, I do), who will be off when baby is sick etc.

I felt able to go back to work so quickly because I was relying on having a sahp and the convenience that brings in terms of sick days, no having to get a newborn up and out early etc.

I'm really annoyed. 1) that he didn't discuss this with me 2) it isn't what I agreed to when we ttc

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/03/2015 16:47

I dont think whether anyone would or wouldnt put a 6 week old in daycare is relevant.

The fact is that they planned this child on the understanding that he would be the SAHP and she would go back to work early. He is now changing that with no consultation and no thought about how it will affect the OP.

I would be raging, especially as she would the one doing the drops off, pick ups etc and any guesses who will be taking time off if any of the kids are sick......?

UpMyOwnArseMoneyFlinger · 06/03/2015 16:48

6 weeks, not 6 months!

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/03/2015 16:48

Sorry, but IMO this has nothing to do with the rights, wrong and preferences for the care of a 6 weeks old baby. It has to do with TRUST.

It really doesn't matter whether the £400/wk thing comes off or not. He went for it, and without discussing something so important with you first. Completely disregarding the plan you both had made for your third child.

So, again IMO, you can talk with him and hammer out agreements and make plans - but they count for nothing. he will renege on plans and agreements if it suits him to do so.

I'd be fucking furious, and would not be holding back.

turquoiseamethyst · 06/03/2015 16:49

YANBU.

I am not remotely anti-nursery but I do feel 6 weeks is too young.

whippy33 · 06/03/2015 16:49

10 years ago when maternity leave was much shorter it was very common to have such young babies in nursery.

colleysmill · 06/03/2015 16:53

Depending on how far along you are nursery might not be an option anyway - we had ds2 name down at our preferred nursery at 8 months pregnant and at that point the waiting list for a place was 9 months so we couldn't have started him sooner even if I had wanted to.

leedy · 06/03/2015 16:55

But as someone said upthread, whether it's usual, unusual, wrong, right to have a 6 week old in nursery is entirely beside the point - the issue is that the OP's DH just decided by himself to completely change their planned childcare arrangements. They had decided that she'd go back to work at 6 weeks and he would take paternity leave for another few months, not that he'd unilaterally decide to go back to work as well.

Only1scoop · 06/03/2015 16:55

Yanbu

No chance ....goal posts moving by miles.

AnnieThePianist · 06/03/2015 16:58

Yanbu. 6 weeks old is far too young IMO and I'd be furious.

Bilberry · 06/03/2015 16:59

Six weeks is younger than I would be happy with and absolutely do feel that the best person to look after them at that age is their mother.

Having said that, would you turn down the chance to earn double your salary? If you did give up work to take maternity leave would you be happy if that meant losing half your salary? Your dh may well feel bad that you earn so much more than him so this will help him feel more like a 'provider'. Of course this is all sexist and hypocritical. Is this salary permanent (as much as can be) or just for a few weeks/months?

I do think he was very unreasonable not to talk this through with you first. The problem is the mother often has the closest bond at this age so tends to be the one who ends up holding the baby which is unfair when you have agreed otherwise.

MrsMook · 06/03/2015 17:03

Have you checked the requirements for Mat Allowance? It is much less than SMP, working 26 weeks out of the previous 66 before due date. I qualified twice with employment gaps.

Him changing the goalposts to putting a 6 week old into nursery without consultation is unreasonable. Getting to 3 months + makes a substantial difference to baby's needs.

QueenCardigan · 06/03/2015 17:12

Aside from the issues of your dh which have already been discussed, can you actually physically and practically do it? You're not naive, you've had babies before so you know how draining a 6w old can be with the night feeds etc. do you really think thats sustainable with both of you going out to work ft?

You don't mention the other dc ages but presumably they will need some kind of childcare even if just before/after school which all adds up financially.
If he doesn't dive can you practically do drop offs and pick ups and get to work on time?
When will you fit in cleaning/shopping? Will you need to pay for a cleaner?
Does he really think he could put a 6w old in nursery? I mean, has he really considered it? There's not many people who could leave such a young baby for 60h/pw with somebody else unless absolutely desperate.
Can one of you work from home one day and catch up with work at weekends or do longer days to have a day off or even work pt?

Having 3dc myself I can't imagine both parents working ft. I understand that a lot of people have to but it doesn't leave much time to give each child attention. I personally think that you will both get completely burnt out with the sleepless nights that a newborn gives you as well as juggling everything else.

leedy · 06/03/2015 17:19

I can certainly imagine both parents working FT with an older baby/other children (as we did it ourselves and it works great for us) but I can imagine it'd be pretty stressful with a nearly newborn.

adsy · 06/03/2015 17:25

Trouble is, I'm not sure there are many childminders who would take a 6 week old

ooh, I would.little snuffly noises etc. with all the joy of not having to get up 10 times a night with them.
But I agree with pp's. you really need a CM or nanny.Please don't put such a young baby in a nursery

Terramirabilis · 06/03/2015 17:30

As a Brit abroad, I can say the attitude of shock horror at putting a baby in nursery at six weeks old is cultural - presumably due to the long maternity leaves available these days in the UK.

Looking at it from the outside, there's no terrible thing that happens to a child being in a nursery at that age. It doesn't stop them bonding with their primary caregivers or understanding who those people are.

I went back to work when my baby was nine weeks old because, you know, you have to have money to buy food etc. My DS was not in nursery until this week (he is now six months old) because we were able to make it work with a combination of GPs, my DH and me working from home/taking the baby to work. Had we not had those options, DS would have been in a nursery full time. And I'm almost sure he would still be alive now if he had.

I know lots of other people who don't have the support that I've had whose children were in nurseries at a very young age and who are now well-adjusted, happy children. It's really not that terrible!

Handsoff7 · 06/03/2015 17:32

YANBU.

Even if the £400pw is permanent he had agreed to stay home. You can't change that a baby is coming so it is way too late for him to change his mind.

I'd be furious.

Buttercup27 · 06/03/2015 17:32

Just to throw another thought into this, what happens if your not fully recovered at 6 weeks. My friend had a very traumatic birth resulting in ecs and it took her longer than 6 weeks to recover. I know most women are fine but what if?

Thesuperswimmingdolphin · 06/03/2015 17:32

Wow what a lot of angst amongst mumsnetters this has caused.

I agree with Whippy - a decade ago you would see nurseries with very young babies. Those babies are now teenagers and adults. Nothing is perfect but society has not in fact crumbled as a result.

A lot of the posters on this thread need to take a long, hard look at themselves and their circumstances. Choosing to take unpaid leave is a luxury choice. Not everybody has that choice and believe it or not some people will choose to put their financial well being and career progression quite high up their list of priorities. That does not make them a poor parent. Further more their are plenty of people making choices for the care of babies they didn't plan to have. Making choice is all about compromise and that's not a bad thing.

It is the height of arrogance to assert that parents use childcare because they don't want to care for their child. It's a lazy and offensive assertion to make and those who blather on like that only make themselves look callous.

The issue in this thread is not whether nursery is the right place for this baby. The issue is two parents had a deal and one is now going back on that with seemingly no appreciation of the consequences. If the OP doesn't like nursery then she and her partner can look at childminders and nannys. She'll still have to deal with the issues of what happens when baby is sick etc. I don't blame her for being annoyed. I think a lot of you have massively missed the point though - it's a breach of agreement that's the issue here, not the solution proposed.

Flomple · 06/03/2015 17:33

YANBU, it's understandable why you're livid.

From a practical point of view, if it does materialise then can you work out a 3rd way? Eg could either/both of you ask your work for temporary shorter hours? Stagger your working days to limit hours of childcare?

i'd also look at a nanny even if it means moving your older ones. Something's got to give.

Buttercup27 · 06/03/2015 17:38

Also just to add I think yanbu. He has gone back on his agreement and I would be furious too.

SansaUndercover · 06/03/2015 17:39

YANBU- it's not the idea of putting a very young baby in nursery, it's your DP deciding all of this unilaterally and suggesting putting a 6 week old in nursery like it's a solution, when it's really just raising a lot of other issues.

I think you have to be firm- refuse to do any of the sorting out of the childcare place, refuse to be responsible for drop off or pick ups and refuse to take time off to look after your child unless it's something you'd do if he was at home as well (e.g. if both were ill or multiple children were ill). Saying this might cause him to think about the reality of what he's actually suggesting.

I do also think a nanny would be better for a very young baby than a nursery.

Goldenbear · 06/03/2015 17:41

Why would you have a planned 'third' child if a) you couldn't afford to look after it as a newborn and b) neither of you wants to look after it as a newborn.

Goldenbear · 06/03/2015 17:42

Want not 'wants'

Goldenbear · 06/03/2015 17:44

Choosing to have a '3rd' child is definitely akin to the luxury of unpaid leave I'd say!

AvaCrowder · 06/03/2015 17:55

YANBU, you agreed this before ttc.

As an aside I think a nanny, especially with three dc, presumably the other two would have childcare requirements too, would be a much better option for you, and your children.