DP wants to shift goalposts on childcare and put 6wk old into ft nursery

[Jackieharris]

I'm pregnant. Planned 3rd DC. I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time so we agreed before pregnancy he'd be the sahp and I'd go back to work early with this one.

I'm in the process of changing jobs so won't get smp so have to go back after 6 weeks, no option. If DP hadn't been willing to be sahp I would have waited to ttc until I'd bulit up maternity entitlements again and taken maybe 3-6 months off instead.

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)

Now if this had been before the pregnancy I'd be so happy for him. But I feel like he has totally moved the goalposts for me. He seems to think instead of him being a sahp we can just put newborn into ft nursery at 6 weeks.

I'm not against nursery. Other DCs went, but not until 11 months old.

I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)

He's planning on doing this without actually asking my opinion or doing any research on how it will work out re: tax credits, logistics of nursery runs (he doesn't drive, I do), who will be off when baby is sick etc.

I felt able to go back to work so quickly because I was relying on having a sahp and the convenience that brings in terms of sick days, no having to get a newborn up and out early etc.

I'm really annoyed. 1) that he didn't discuss this with me 2) it isn't what I agreed to when we ttc

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity.

AIBU?

Part of me also wonders why you'd have a child just to see them at weekends

Bravo for such a positive contribution to the debate googoodolly

When I had DD maternity leave was 6 weeks, 12 weeks if you had a c-section.

Op yanbu six weeks is far too young for nursery and he is being unfair.
My
Number nobody has to put their six week old in childcare so both parents can work. It's a choice, based on not wanting to make possibly drastic lifestyle changes.

I would be furious with DH if he did that, especially if the plan was that my salary would cover our outgoings, so don't need DH to work for a short time when the baby was so little. An agreement was in place, you got pregnant and now he wants to change it, in a massive way... YANBU.

I wouldn't put a 6wk old baby in any sort of childcare setting if there was any possible alternative (e.g. DH staying at home). DD went to a CM from 9mo and lots of children go into a setting before that, but a 42 day old baby into full-time non-parental care. I wouldn't be happy with that.

Maybe DH is worried about being on paternity leave. I think you need to have a really honest chat with him and compromise on a time for your DC to go into a setting and him to focus on work. Presuming he gets the job, what hours could it be, does it have to be f/t, could it be delayed or phased in?

6 weeks maternity leave before putting your child into nursery is the norm in some parts of the world. Are we saying people in those countries should just stop having babies?! I don't think some people on this thread realise what a luxury our maternity entitlement is in the UK.

But yanbu op. Decisions like this should not be made unilaterally.

You should be eligible for maternity allowance. It's about £135 a week for 39 weeks. If you look it up online you'll be able to tell if you are eligible.

Also if he does start earning £400 a week would that alone not enable you to extend your maternity leave a bit.

Of course, you will still have the problem of your DH not involving you in family decision making.

I'd go mad at this.

This is big stuff - decisions on your family, things you have to be REALLY SURE OF, really happy with. It's not something which just affects him, like shall I buy that top or not. For him to go ahead with these plans without a single word to you tells you that he has absolutely not one shred of respect for you, not one inkling that you will not take the position of utter subordinate who will fit around whatever he decides, and that him going back on things which were agreed between you is of no importance at all.

The fact that this is about him deciding he'd like to put a six week old in childcare for no net gain, save that presumably he's now decided that he doesn't fancy caring for the baby, just compounds it. This is nothing like going back to work a bit early. A six week old in full time childcare would be an absolute last resort to almost anyone, I would think. It's way way too young, utterly damaging. But, not surprising coming from someone who seems to think that the only person whose feelings matter in the family is him.

I wouldn't wait - I'd make the point to him that, amazingly, what happens here requires your agreement. I'd be telling him that just in case he's interested, you won't be agreeing to a tiny baby going into childcare, and as far as you're concerned, the plans for your baby's first months haven't changed, as there's been no discussion with the other person with the decision making powers. So he can forget the job fussing - it ain't happening. Not if he still wants to be in a partnership, that is.

Sorry i havent read the whote thread but yanbu. If he changed his mind about sah then that is fine and it is worth to discuss it but to make this change without discussing is ridiculous. Maybe he has realized the magnitude of being a sahd?

Yanbu. I would be fuming.
Have you looked at alternative childcare other than nursery op? Au-pair or childminder? I don't think I would want my newborn in nursery full time at six weeks, but I absolutely understand your working situation and why it's necessary.
I would also wait and see if his new job pans out before panicking too much though. Congratulations on your baby btw!

My mum had to go back to work when I was 2 weeks old. She switched to evening work so that I was with her during the day and with dad at night.

What kind of work is it that you and your OH do?

"Oh and guess what, shock horror, I even manage to fully breastfeed by expressing milk at work and bringing it home every evening."

I was an exclusive expresser for DD, and she was with me (not in a nursery). I'd never describe it as "fully breastfeeding". It's better than nothing, but it's nowhere near the same.

6 weeks maternity leave before putting your child into nursery is the norm in some parts of the world

and if you believe all the American tv programs it's also apparently normal to drop your baby into open practically 24 hr day care whilst you come in on days off or to check patients

we aren't talking about a family here doing their best and having g to make a less than idea choice.

This is a family who had pre agreed that the dad would take his turn to be home and loom after the lid while the mum went back and tax credits and child benefits would have covered the income the dad was no longer bringing in.

Theres no need here. only a want and wants can wait until the baby is a little but older than 6 weeks.

my betting would be that he really didn't ever want to stay home with a baby. ergo the decision to have a third was based on lies and maybe the decision would have been made differently had he just been honest in the first place.

He is being incredibly selfish to put a baby that young into day care when it's not a necessity.

that's not judging parents who had no choice. that's judging the dh for lying in the first place and going back on a promise he made.

That is soooooooo little, if it were my baby I would choose a good cm over a nursery, can't imagine a six week old in a baby room at a nursery, at that age they need a few very familiar faces and a key person to bond with so they feel safe and secure, they don't really "socialise" IMO xxxx

I can see both sides and I often encourage women not to give up their careers after having children as it can make them / the family vulnerable.

Is there a compromise? A childminder rather than a nursery? A mixture of childminder and family? Could you reduce your hours slightly? Could he work part time?

He also needs to learn to drive!

I do think YANBU to be angry that this is a unilateral decision though.

Where in the world is it the norm to put your 6 week old child in nursery?

Trouble is, I'm not sure there are many childminders who would take a 6 week old. They are incredibly hard work!

And looking at a 6 week old f/t is also NOT a job for an au pair. Can't believe someone suggested that.

YANBU he has gone back on your agreed plans without discussion. You are pregnant now, it is not like you decided to get a pet and can back out of the situation. Putting a baby into care at six weeks is not unheard of but the gains have got to make it worth while as a family.
Very family is different and what works for one might not work for another. My mum chose to go back to work at 6 weeks and worked long hours. Our relationship has always been strained, not that she would recognise it though. I guess we just never bonded. As a child I accepted it but as a teen I found it very hard to respect her. Now as an adult with my own children I really feel she screwed us up, had her priorities all wrong and I find it hard to be around her. When I bacame a parent myself I tried to emulate my friend's mum. She worked pt in a supermarket and just always seemed to be there when we were growing up. She wasn't as clever or as well paid as my mum, she couldn't afford all the luxuries that my mum could but she had the time for us and made our childhood a happy one. I guess that is what I needed, my parent's time, and I needed to feel like I was important to them. All of the extra curricular stuff felt like it was for them, to show what a good job they were doing, giving us all of those extra opportunities.
Like I say, not all families would work in the same way, but just to show you the perspective of a child who was put into childcare at 6 weeks.

My DC went to nursery from 3 months - the nursery wouldn't take younger babies, so make sure yours does and is not booked up. It was a great nursery and she had a very experienced carer and loved it. Not full time though.

If nothing else, it's not terribly easy to find a childcare provider for such a wee one. Lots of them say they take babies from 6 weeks but the reality is very different,

rally is right. Here in the US, if you're eligible for it, you get 6 weeks off on short term disability (note - not maternity leave) for a 'normal' vaginal birth, and 8 weeks for a caesarean, and that often includes any time BEFORE birth

Some larger companies will additionally offer some form of paid leave ( up to 3 weeks) and depending on where you can work you can use an act that will allow you an extra 9 weeks unpaid leave.

Two of my colleagues gave birth last year. One was back at work after 8 weeks then had to find daycare. It's the norm here, along with childminders, altho the latter are expensive for new borns.

I could never put a 6 week old in nursery full time. You need a baby to be bonding with it's carer, whether that's father or mother, in those first few weeks.

I say this as a mother whose kids were in nursery from 9 months. I accept people have to work but a 6 week old separated all day from its parent is just wrong.

If you hated maternity leave then why are you having thrived planned pregnancy

I wouldn't put a 6 week old in Nursery or with a CM.

There is always a choice, granted these often means compromises for the family's lifestyle that aren't palatable... but there are always choices.

Just because this is the norm in the States, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

"If you hated maternity leave then why are you having thrived planned pregnancy"

Er, presumably because maternity leave is a tiny, tiny part of a child's entire life? it's not like people have babies just because they want to spend time at home with a tiny baby and don't care about having a toddler, preschooler, school age child, teenager, adult offspring, etc.

I had hideous PND for the first part of my maternity leave with DS1 and didn't enjoy it at all, I knew I risked the same second time around but still had another DC (and mercifully didn't get PND and enjoyed maternity leave a lot more, but still...).

I couldn't be with someone who thought it normal to put their child into nursery at 6 months, because I'd be wondering what other weird notions they had of parenting.
Already its you thinking of sorting the childcare.