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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to shift goalposts on childcare and put 6wk old into ft nursery

251 replies

Jackieharris · 06/03/2015 14:34

I'm pregnant. Planned 3rd DC. I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time so we agreed before pregnancy he'd be the sahp and I'd go back to work early with this one.

I'm in the process of changing jobs so won't get smp so have to go back after 6 weeks, no option. If DP hadn't been willing to be sahp I would have waited to ttc until I'd bulit up maternity entitlements again and taken maybe 3-6 months off instead.

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)

Now if this had been before the pregnancy I'd be so happy for him. But I feel like he has totally moved the goalposts for me. He seems to think instead of him being a sahp we can just put newborn into ft nursery at 6 weeks.

I'm not against nursery. Other DCs went, but not until 11 months old.

I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)

He's planning on doing this without actually asking my opinion or doing any research on how it will work out re: tax credits, logistics of nursery runs (he doesn't drive, I do), who will be off when baby is sick etc.

I felt able to go back to work so quickly because I was relying on having a sahp and the convenience that brings in terms of sick days, no having to get a newborn up and out early etc.

I'm really annoyed. 1) that he didn't discuss this with me 2) it isn't what I agreed to when we ttc

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
momieplum · 06/03/2015 18:02

Number 3 if it costs £900 for a child to be in nursery for a month you don't "have" to put them in, you are choosing to. Swear all you like - that is the reality of it.

DecaffTastesWeird · 06/03/2015 18:06

YANBU. I would be livid if my DH did this. I guess your options are:

  1. Somehow convince DH to be SAHP as planned.
  2. Get help with your finances to see if you can be SAHP and secretly resent DH
  3. Get child minder / nursery for DC3 and secretly resent DH

Agree with pps though that you should wait and see if he actually takes / gets the new job. It could be a non-starter or DH might have just been having a moment of madness and think better of it.

expatinscotland · 06/03/2015 18:14

Meh. The norm in a lot of places, not just America. French mothers also very commonly return to full-time work when the baby is quite young. Long mat leaves just cause problems for women who need full-time employment and won't or can't have children/more children, harder to get hired.

Flomple · 06/03/2015 18:22

Momieplum I don't follow that at all. Whether childcare is a choice or a necessity depends on whether you need whatever's left after childcare & commuting costs.

I disagee with posters who say OP should wash her hands of helping with the logistics. With a new baby on the way she and DP need to co-operate and support each other and that has to start somewhere. What if the shoe was on the other foot OP, say you'd reluctantly agreed to do the mat leave but were now freaking out about it and just decided you can't cope and the only solution is ft childcare from 6 weeks. If your DP washed his hands of it all and said you had to deal with it all alone because you'd said you would, he would rightly be castigated. You need to support each other, difficult as it is. If you listen to him you might be able to talk him round...

Goldenbear · 06/03/2015 18:24

Maybe we should address that then and not aim to be just like the French. Maternity leave is 'progressive'.

Bilberry · 06/03/2015 18:30

I'd forgotten the other children - yes a nanny would seem more sensible and probably cheaper than nursery for three.

How often do chances like this job for your husband come round? If it is very rare then it probably never occurred to him when he agreed to be a SAHD that it was a choice he might have to make or that you wouldn't expect him to jump at it. If this is the case then he may well resent you if he thought he couldn't try for it. Circumstances do change, situations come up that we weren't aware of when we first make plans. He should have talked to you but it isn't necessarily wrong to change your original plans.

BeyondRepair · 06/03/2015 18:41

Er, presumably because maternity leave is a tiny, tiny part of a child's entire life?

Tiny but utterly crucial. So many studies on necessity of brain function and general development, in every single way from baby and and its mother in first years of life.

Purplepoodle · 06/03/2015 18:54

I would be totally gutted in your situation. You made a decision together and now he's moved the goal posts. It's one thing leaving your baby with your husband it's mentally a totally different ballgame having to use childcare from such a young age.

I had to go back early to work as OH work dried up. I was gutted but I was greatly soothed that our bundle was being cared for by his dad plus having perks of sah parent taking care of the washing and cooking.

I understand why you are upset.

BeyondRepair · 06/03/2015 19:10

Momieplum I don't follow that at all. Whether childcare is a choice or a necessity depends on whether you need whatever's left after childcare & commuting costs.

Yes but unless dc are un planned, mulitple etc, you do usually choose to have dc and in that choice is usually what you can afford and what your personal standards and requirements are for looking after these dc....

?

You choose.

No one is forcing anyone to have a DC for goodness sake. Having DC is a luxury!

I dont care one jot about what other countries do! In other countries they are throwing people off roofs for being gay, they chop your hand off for stealing, they ban you from having more than one DC, who cares what they do in other countries. It doesnt make it right.

VixxFace · 06/03/2015 19:18

Why plan a baby if your going to be handing it over most of the day whilst its still fresh from the womb.

Your dp sounds very selfish. Poor kid.

Totality22 · 06/03/2015 19:28

I think the reason the OP has been criticised was to do with one of her opening lines

"I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time"

Most of course not ALL women enjoy maternity leave, and whilst it does have moments of boredom and frustration the majority of women see it as a very important time in their baby's development and tend to take as long as they can.

The OP's admission that she would sooner go back to work than stay at home with the baby will seem somewhat alien and unnatural to a lot of women I'm afraid.

I have a 6 week old and whilst I'd love an afternoon make that a day off there is no way I'd want to hand her over to anyone full time just yet.... not even my OH. However I know that I am lucky to be in the position that a) I don't have to rush back to work and b) I did - on the whole - enjoy maternity leave last time.

CalleighDoodle · 06/03/2015 19:36

Yanbu. Of course leaving your newborn with your husband is a totally different situaion than leaving him with a nursery. This is not what you agreed. The other major issue is you'r husband making major decisions without considering you. Id be raging and nothing would get me back to work set 6 weeks under these circumstances.

CalleighDoodle · 06/03/2015 19:37

Consulting not considering

Inertia · 06/03/2015 19:38

If he goes back on this decision, he doesn't have to just earn £200 more than he was earning- he has to earn more than you were earning, on a permanent guaranteed basis , because it'll be your money that's lost if you have to SAHP.

FishWithABicycle · 06/03/2015 19:38

YANBU at all and I think you need to talk before you find out whether this £400pw opportunity gets offered. You need to be very clear with him that you only agreed to ttc #3 because he was going to be a sahp and he doesn't get to change that now. It's not on. I fully support the right of every parent to choose what works for them and wouldn't for a moment criticise a mother who chooses nursery from 6 weeks, but if you agreed to ttc on the understanding that the baby would have a sahp then going back on that would be completely unacceptable to me.

Sallystyle · 06/03/2015 19:45

YANBU

He moved the goal posts. You conceived believing he would be a SAHP.

I would not have my 6 week old in a nursery full time. I don't care if that sounds judgmental, I personally would not conceive a child knowing they had to go into nursery at such a young age. He moved the goal posts and for me this would be such a massive issue in my marriage and I would lose a lot of trust in him.

I understand there may be times where it is simply necessary to put a baby in nursery but that was not what you agreed to and I would be livid. He is not thinking about what is best for your soon to be tiny baby and I don't know how I would recover from that if he didn't change his mind.

Horseradishes · 06/03/2015 19:56

Yanbu. I think 6 weeks is really young to use ft nursery. I'd try to find a childminder, at least then your baby can have some continuity of care and one to one time, in a nursery they'll have many different people caring for them.

minipie · 06/03/2015 19:59

The issue in this thread is not whether nursery is the right place for this baby. The issue is two parents had a deal and one is now going back on that with seemingly no appreciation of the consequences

This.

YANBU OP - I'd be fuming.

slightlyconfused85 · 06/03/2015 20:04

Yanbu at all. He should not be putting you in a position where you have to put a newborn into ft nursery. If he earnt 400 per week could you afford to take 6 weeks or so unpaid leave?

Fauxlivia · 06/03/2015 20:04

I went back to work when ds1 was 8 weeks but only because my mum was looking after him. I wouldn't have wanted to use nursery that early.

If my husband did this I'd be absolutely fucking furious - he's completely changed the terms of your agreement with zero consultation and dropped you right in the shit.

Can you afford a nanny and a divorce ?

glampinggaloshes · 06/03/2015 20:17

6 weeks old to be left at nursery. Wow. I only got 6 weeks mat but would have changed my whole life before I did that. For the posters here that thinks that's a good idea presume you are familiar with the proven research that a tiny child needs a single loving carer, parent,
Family member, friend or CM. But not a nursery. Sorry
Sidetracked from the point of OP but pretty appalled that people would CHOOSe such an option. So Sad

glampinggaloshes · 06/03/2015 20:18

To get back to the point of the thread though. I would be incandescent. Relationship and shared parenting is based in trust and priorisjng your child

QTPie · 06/03/2015 20:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

jendot2 · 06/03/2015 20:31

As a childminder I have taken babies as young as 2 weeks. I form an amazing bond with children who have been with me from small babies and many have remained part of my life / family for many many years.
Please don't assume all childcare is bad for baby. I can hand on heart say that I have cared for all babies who have joined our childminding family with as much love, tenderness and attention as I gave to my own children.
Just take a bit of time to find the right carer.

Susiesue61 · 06/03/2015 21:18

I put Ds1 in nursery at 7 weeks old, because I had to work to pay the mortgage. He's a lovely, healthy clever 15 year old now, don't think it damaged him too much!!!
That aside, you need to do what is right for you all. If you're not happy putting him in nursery, then between you you need to work out a solution.