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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to shift goalposts on childcare and put 6wk old into ft nursery

251 replies

Jackieharris · 06/03/2015 14:34

I'm pregnant. Planned 3rd DC. I earn more than DP and hated mat leave last time so we agreed before pregnancy he'd be the sahp and I'd go back to work early with this one.

I'm in the process of changing jobs so won't get smp so have to go back after 6 weeks, no option. If DP hadn't been willing to be sahp I would have waited to ttc until I'd bulit up maternity entitlements again and taken maybe 3-6 months off instead.

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it. (Didn't consult me first)

Now if this had been before the pregnancy I'd be so happy for him. But I feel like he has totally moved the goalposts for me. He seems to think instead of him being a sahp we can just put newborn into ft nursery at 6 weeks.

I'm not against nursery. Other DCs went, but not until 11 months old.

I've looked up the cost of the local one (he didn't bother to do this) and it costs £200 pwk. So he'll be bringing home exactly the same as now! (Prob more work/more hours/more responsibility too)

He's planning on doing this without actually asking my opinion or doing any research on how it will work out re: tax credits, logistics of nursery runs (he doesn't drive, I do), who will be off when baby is sick etc.

I felt able to go back to work so quickly because I was relying on having a sahp and the convenience that brings in terms of sick days, no having to get a newborn up and out early etc.

I'm really annoyed. 1) that he didn't discuss this with me 2) it isn't what I agreed to when we ttc

He doesn't seem to see a problem and I feel like a bitch for not being 100% happy that he's had this opportunity.

AIBU?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 06/03/2015 15:04

If he's earning more couldn't you take a bit longer?

I understand you're annoyed as he's changed his mind but as a SAHP I wouldn't force the job on anyone frankly. If a man was annoyed because a woman had changed HER mind about staying at home with kids I think the answers would be different.

BarbarianMum · 06/03/2015 15:05

I'm totally on the fence with this one.

On the one hand, in your position id be totally gutted and furious.

On the other, if it were you posting you'd changed your mind about being a SAHM and wanting to seize a new opportunity but your dh wasn't happy with it, I'd tell you it was ultimately your decision.

Teasugarcoffee · 06/03/2015 15:05

No.3 I think posters are discussing the op's circumstances not yours!

I live in the real world, i have DC, I work but I still feel that six weeks is very young for full time child care unless the wolves are at the door.

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/03/2015 15:06

I'm saying that that they both needed to be honest here. op was, she said she didn't want to be at home. fair enough when there was originally going to a parent home. nut of he's so easily persuaded by money he won't even see be case it goes straight to the nursery when he'd agreed to look after the baby and they don't need him to be at work as op earns enough, then clearly it wasnt what he wanted either. so here you have two people who don't want to be at home when only 1 needs to be at work so agreeing to it seems a but daft. and he should have said.

AnythingNotEverything · 06/03/2015 15:06

This isn't about putting the baby in nursery. This doesn't have to be a judgement thing. We're all doing what's right for our families Smile

The issue here is that an agreement was made (he would be SAHD), you rely upon that and based your family decision to TTC on that, and you changed jobs based on that. It's the moving of goalposts that's the issue.

He should've discussed this so you could agree it as a family.

UpMyOwnArseMoneyFlinger · 06/03/2015 15:06

I can't believe your dh is so casual about the prospect of a 6 week old baby being in nursery full time. Yanbu!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/03/2015 15:07

Tell him you won't be going back to work then when decided. Let's see how far his £400 per week will take him.

Original poster
Jackieharris · 06/03/2015 15:09

I can't get mat allowance because of recent gaps in my employment history. It's either go back then or quit.

The nursery I looked up takes them from 6weeks.

The thing is I feel slightly hypocritical because I've often been on threads defending women who go back to work early and use ft childcare. I'm not against it in principle. It's more that it's not what I signed up for and will make my going back to work much harder iyswim.

kitten as he's self employed he was going to keep on his current work but just do 1 day at the weekend then maybe another one or 2 days later on when baby is a bit bigger and his mum can help out a bit. His mum isn't frail but I don't think she'd have the energy for a 6week old for a 10 hour day!

So we would lose his income when he's a sahp but that would only be temporary and my new wage will more than make up for it (esp when tax credits are taken into account).

I don't have a problem with pt childcare after a few months then ft after c. 18 months if his wage is enough to cover it and some. I just think it's different for a newborn (and a bf mum who will be up at night!)

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 06/03/2015 15:09

I personally would do anything not to put such a tiny baby in nursery. In my opinion at that age they need more attention then a typical nursery can give.

NerrSnerr · 06/03/2015 15:10

I would consider a cm though if I had to.

quietlysuggests · 06/03/2015 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 06/03/2015 15:12

I would only put a 6w/o in nursery if I had NO other choice. I appreciate everyone is different, but to me that is just SO young and they need to be with their primary carer at that age, not put in childcare.

Part of me also wonders why you'd have a child just to see them at weekends.

Smartleatherbag · 06/03/2015 15:12

Don't put a 6 week old in a nursery. Childminder if needs must, but nursery is not good for a child so very young.

pilates · 06/03/2015 15:14

YANBU

I would be livid with my partner if he changed his mind on such an important factor. Does he normally behave like this? I imagine you would have gone off to work quite happily knowing your 6 week old was being looked after by his father. I would be deeply hurt and upset. How irresponsible and selfish of him.

PisforPeter · 06/03/2015 15:16

YANBU to be very angry with your husband. I would never put a 6 week old infant in F/T nursery. TBH I would rather downsize than put my 3 year old in F/T nursery, it's not good for them.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2015 15:20

I would have to be beyond desperate to put a 6wk old baby into a nursery.

YANBU

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 06/03/2015 15:24

This is unacceptable. I would go nuclear. This is your husband - you're meant to be able to rely upon him and his word.

Tell him to grow up: this is a real live baby. Not a pawn to be used in some stupid argument

Writerwannabe83 · 06/03/2015 15:26

I can't believe your DH is putting you in this position.

If I'd been forced to put my DS into nursery at 6 weeks old due to a selfish decision of my DH's I don't think I could ever forgive him for it.

As has been said, if you have no option but to put your baby in childcare then please go with a CM instead. In my opinion a nursery can't provide the nurturing care, love and attention that such a young baby needs.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/03/2015 15:29

YANBU. It's unreaaonable of him to shift the goalposts like that without discussing it with you. I'd be happy to have a baby full time in nursery at 6 months but very unhappy at 6 weeks.

LisaMed · 06/03/2015 15:33

I love a good bunfight me...

Have you asked him why his decision is so much more important that the decision you both agreed to?

owltrotter · 06/03/2015 15:34

This is a massive problem, and I can't believe you are worried about sounding like a bitch!

  1. He has made a unilateral decision about his career without consulting you.
  2. He has broken an explicit agreement made by the two of you about who would take parental leave.
  3. He is displaying scant concern for the new baby's welfare.

In your agreement, if I understand you correctly, he didn't agree to become a SAHP, he agreed to take parental leave during the first year of the baby's life. This is what you would have done if you were able to get paid for it. In my view, this is quite different from agreeing to become a SAHP, because it's so temporary: just a few months while baby is so tiny and vulnerable. It's not as though you're asking him to give up his entire career.

I would make it immediately clear what my view was on this. You are entitled to a year's maternity leave even if you are not entitled to any maternal pay. I'd tell him that if he's not going to look after the baby, you'll take have to take unpaid leave.

AskBasil · 06/03/2015 15:41

YANBU

You didn't sign up for this. You had a deal. He's gone back on the deal and he's not considering the best interests of his child or you.

I'd find it v. hard to trust him ever again after sth like that tbh.

KoalaDownUnder · 06/03/2015 15:43

YANBU. Or a bitch.

He is being incredibly selfish and, frankly, acting like a shit parent. You don't renege on something that important!

Babetti · 06/03/2015 15:44

OP, have you considered a nanny? With three children including your new baby, perhaps is would be a similar cost to having all three out at nursery. It also means there is less disruption for drop off / collection and also if children are ill.

If that's not possible, could you and your DH work a condensed week - say five days into four so you only need childcare three days per week.

YANBU to feel frustrated with your DH. You both made a plan and he isn't sticking to it.

NickyEds · 06/03/2015 15:49

Atm DP earns £200pwk (self employed). But he has now heard about an opportunity to earn £400pwk and is applying for it

Is this a career changing, absolutely not to be missed, never going to come along again opportunity??

It would have to be for me to be anything approaching understanding about this. Who does he think he is making unilateral decisions like this?

YANBU. Your dh sounds like a bit of a dick for not understanding your problem with this.