No time to do anything...aibu in not seeing how I can easily create more time?

[toomuchtodoandnotime]

Am really struggling at the moment to find time for everything I need to do, short of going pt at work (not an option) I can't see what I can change.

At the moment I leave for work at 730am. I go to the gym 2 nights after work, when I don't get home til 8pm. On one of the other nights I go to a weight loss group, and don't get home til 9. The other 2 nights I get home around 630, and then spend the evening with my bf (we don't live together) and my DC. Every evening I come home and cook, wash up, do some laundry, put out rubbish, tidy, etc - though some of this I don't do on the nights I get in late, but always cook/ wash up.

I have 2 DC who are teens. They do some work around the house but forget unless reminded and I don't have time in the day to keep chasing them and sending reminders. When I'm home I can get them to do some tasks with me.

At weekends...alternate weekends I spend with my bf, so am not at home. The others, on Sat I go to the gym, catch up with friends, do my shopping, etc (as much as I can in the time) and Sun I spend with bf and his DC.

This isn't enough though. I have loads of jobs at home that need doing - decorating, gardening,that I never have time to start. I also need to get some building work done but I can't find time to get the supplies I need, plus find someone to come and quote me for it.

More pressingly bf really wants me to learn to drive this year. I passed my theory 6 months ago but am struggling to see where I'd fit in driving lessons with everything else, especially as I've been told I should have at least 1 2 hour lesson a week.

Something inclusive of all DC, I mean, not exclusive sorry

I thought IWBU when I read this as I thought, this woman has no time because she spends so much time on doing her own thing that she has no time for the necessities. I didn't post initially because I thought I was being awful but can now see that I am not the only one to think like this.

Do your slimming club online, get up earlier and do exercise / go to the gym / do housework. Get home from work at a reasonable time and spend time with your kids / do jobs. See BF as and when you want to - problem solved.

It's not that challenging, you have just got into your head that you need to do these other things and you don't.

I'm sorry, I know it's a little thing but its making my brain hurt - how can you see your kids 12 mornings a week? And 12 evenings?

If you can't afford to buy your own car then it's pointless learning to drive now. Forget about having lessons for the moment, it'll remove that stress.

Plenty of men see their DCs the same or less amount of time as you do and that's when they're in two parent families. No one gives them shit about it so I think you've had an unfair time there. After 10 years of single parenting you deserve some time to yourself.

I do think the boyfriend sounds like a pain in the bum. The more you post, the more I have an image of him just sitting in his house, with all his spare time because he only has his kids once a fortnight, showering twice a day with his shiny new car parked outside that you're not allowed to drive, telling you how you should be running your life without lifting a finger himself to actually help you.

He is rubbish because its all about him, regardless of you.

He wants you to learn to drive, he can't stay over and then go to work if you don't have a shower fitted.

You've managed perfectly well without him for all these years and now he comes along and reckons you should be improving yourself and your home all for his benefit.

And when you do live together, if your shower breaks, will he be moving into a hotel until it's fixed? Serious question.

If not, why can't he put up with what is, and I'm sorry but it is, a minor inconvenience, to spend time with you?

You're not taking it on board anyway which is a shame and posters are genuinely raising important points and giving some very useful advice.

Sorry, I mean

If not, why can't he put up NOW with what is, and I'm sorry but it is, a minor inconvenience, to spend time with you?

Your bf sounds like a liability. What exactly is he adding to your life. Why can't he arrange for the shower to be fixed if it's such a big problem. But you can't work full time, fit in all these leisure activities and expect to decorate your house at the weekend. If you can't afford a car at the moment forget about driving lessons. They will be one more hassle.

Oh yes, the shiny new car that you are not allowed to drive.

In what ways is this a partnership?

Most people don't want to be in a relationship where they do all the driving

But you live in London! You don't need to drive in London. And you said yourself that you wanted to move to this different area but to the town so you still wouldn't need to drive. But HE wants to live more rural so that's why you need to drive.

So no, he is not being totally reasonable, he needs to compromise. Either he accepts you can't drive and that means living in town (which btw lots of people do accept, such as my DH) or he encourages you to drive and sees a bit less of you while you learn, which he should see as the price of getting to live where he wants.

You said 'he wouldn't like it' if you spent some of your weekend time together with driving lessons, that's just ridiculous. It's for his own benefit.

You see your kids 12 mornings and evenings a fortnight.

10 of those mornings, it's for an hour, during which you are getting ready for work.

6 of those evenings, it's at 8 or 9 instead of 6.30. The other evenings, you are sharing our time with your bf.

How old are your kids?

If I'm honest, I'd ditch a gym session and make that evening family night. You and your kids, no boyfriend.

Ditch the driving too.

I'd keep the weekend your kids are with you as more flexible. Yes see friends for some of it, but have family time too. All decorate or do the garden together.

I just can't see where in your schedule you have quality family time.

OP, here's my take on it.

If you work full-time and don't get back until 8pm or 9pm, then the only time you have to do any "substantial job" ie. DIY, decorating, gardening, basically anything more significant than just regular chores is at the weekend.

And this is the crux of your problem: how you spend your weekends.

As far as I can see, over a month with four Saturdays and four Sundays, you spend all four Sundays and two of your Saturdays with your BF ... this leaves you with two Saturdays free-ish.

This boils down to 32 hours of "non-allocated" time a month out of around a total of 448 hours (i.e. four weeks' worth of the 16 hours of wakefulness you have every single day). And these 32 hours are also the only free hours you have to tackle overflow chores, or jobs that can't be done during the week etc.

To create "more time", you are going to need to rethink the time you spend at the weekends with your BF.

To be honest, and I know everyone is different but ... I can't quite fathom how you have managed to keep everything on an even keel working full-time with only a couple of Saturdays a month "free". I work full-time as does my DH, we don't have young children, and we still spend a lot of weekends just catching up with the generalities of life: shopping, laundry, cleaning, batch-cooking, gardening, recycling, finances etc.

I'm finding this infuriating. You see your bf of one year (not long) more than you do your kids, and you insist that his kids get a full day with you every fortnight. When do your kids get that? And I'm guessing your kids are early teens if they can't be left alone overnight and still have formal contact with their dad.

Can't you see bfs kids on the weekend your kids are at their dads? Can the contact weekend be swapped?

What do your kids do on the Sunday you spend with your bfs children?

Look I feel the same about showers and dont feel clean enough until Ive had one in the morning. But I would not use this as a reason not to stay at a partners house. What age are your children as you have only said early and mid teens? Surely it should be about your boyfriend spending time with them to as well as you spending time with his children?

It's the shower thing that I'm really struggling with too tbh. I just cannot understand why it's such a dealbreaker. To me that indicates someone who is unable/unwilling to put themselves out to any degree at all. Do you see why people think he's a control freak? I've just been away for two days to a place that only had a bath - and right now I'm unable to get into or out of a bath. Ok - that's temporary - but I didn't freak out or refuse to stay or throw a big old hissy and HAVE to go home. I just had a couple of decent flannel washes and a shower when I got home. Nobody died and as far as I know I haven't got any deadly cooties.
Anyway - I wish you luck OP because I think - believe - that a year or so down the line you are sure going to need it. Unattended teens have a way of getting into things that are too big for them, too hard to control. The way things are I simply do not believe that you are on top of what they're doing. You think they're sensible and have been properly raised - and maybe they have. I expect the parents of the Syria girls would say the same. The parents of any child who's bad terrible choices through online influences would say the same. So good luck. And good luck with your relationship because it would be really really sad if it ended up costing you the hard won freedom you've carved for yourself.

How do you support your children with school, not just homework but emotional things as well. What about of they go out drinking, or worse?

why is all the focus on you spending time with his kids? why can't you all do things? or at least be in the same house?

This thread is exhausting. Without fail, every suggestion made you havs had an excuse for. You asked for advice but have rebutted it all.

Do a 1 hour driving lesson instead-"can't"
Batch cook- "can't"
Get boyfriend over to yours- "can't"
Use your lunch break- "can't"

Your boyfriend sounds overbearing and intolerable. Bit you won't see that now. I've been there. We will be here for you when you open your eyes, just don't make the mistake of marrying him.

You spend 6 out of 8 weekend days with your boyfriend - where do your kids fit into all this? Don't you think they might be a bit fed up with you spending all your time with your boyfriend and your "new family", without them?

this thread has made me really sad. Op, priorise your kids.

Well done swooneramamama, you win the prize for the most patronising post so far.

Funny i thought working ft in a demanding job which even childless people struggle with, earning a good salary, giving my children a comfortable life despite no financial input from their father, showing them that women are strong and capable...I thought that was doing the right thing for my children.

I also thought that after years of doing nothing but work or be with them, now they are older and largely independent, I should take the opportunity to improve my health. Clearly I was wrong.

My DC are 17 and 14. They don't really want to go anywhere with me other than the cinema occasionally, and the younger can sometimes be persuaded into a shopping trip, or a day out in London, but thats it. When you're a teen parents aren't cool.

The focus is not on spending time with his kids. At most I see his DC for 6 hours one day a fortnight. Sometimes less if they are going home to their mothers early. His DC are in KS1. My DC have no interest in small children, they are used to being the youngest amongst friends/ family and therefore don't really relate to little ones. They were polite of course but there is no common ground. My DC wouldn't go swimming or to the park (his DC love both). My DC might be persuaded to a theme park, but his DC are too little, and of course we can't all fit in one car. His DC have been to our house, but my DC largely ignored them, and they were bored because there are no toys etc here. We may try that again in the summer when they can play in the garden.

I'm not concerned about my DC. They are generally sensible. I know many kids their age who hang out in the park drinking cider and smoking most evenings or weekends, my DC don't. I have friends whose DC are out every night til 10pm or later. Mine rarely go out. I'm not complacent, I expect there will be challenges ahead. But I think those of you who think not being on hand 24/7 (meaning what, I give up my job?!) means my DC will automatically go off the rails are at best naive. Likewise those of you who think my DC are desperate to spend more time with me,and if my bf wasn't here, or if I didn't selfishly sacrifice family time by going to the gym, my DC would be sitting with me on the sofa, watching tv...

In fact they'd do much as they did before. I'd come home from work, go upstairs to speak to them. They'd say a brief hello, I'd go cook dinner. They'd emerge to eat it, then back to their rooms til 9 or so, when they'd come down, or into my room, for a chat, watch tv etc, and then bed around 1030. It's exactly the same now except on my slimming club night when they generally eat before I get home.

As to weekends - like I said, we don't do much less than we did before as a family. Ok I was at home more, but often DC would go to a friends, or have friends round, again not like we spent all day together. I don't know any parents of teens who do,and I certainly didn't when I was a teen either!

Have you asked your DC if they'd like to see more of you?

Ultimately their opinion is all that matters. If they are happy with the current set up then there's no issue.

I think the teen DCs are a red herring.

I think I barely saw my parents from the age of 14-19. I was either in my room, with my mates or sleeping.

What jumps out from your posts though is how much consideration you give to what your boyfriend wants.

You've not said whether you even want to learn to drive.

Do you want him to stay at yours more despite the fact that he's being a princess about having to have a bath?

Do you want to spend so much time at his when you've obviously got a lot to sort out at your place?

Do you want to spend all of your Sundays EOW with his kids?

Seems like he places an awful lot of demands on your precious time and you just try to accommodate it without asking yourself whether you actually want to.

Do you even really want people's advice on here?

What do you want OP? I know we could all do with an extra couple of hours in the day. But realistically. How would you like things to be?

Do the tidying and chores as you go along.
If you cook, wash up before you eat, that's what I do.

I get up at 5am, leave for work at 7am, in that time I make sure the washing up is done, washing and tumble drying is on, get the kids ready.
I get home from work at 6:30pm
I go to bed about 11pm (last night after 12) and have no issues getting up.
I am 21 weeks pregnant.

I don't think the issue is how much time you have, it's time management.

If you want to do these things then you have to manage your time, don't let someone else dictate how to do it.

If BF is concerned you won't have time for him, then he needs to stay at yours (get a shower fitted)