No time to do anything...aibu in not seeing how I can easily create more time?

[toomuchtodoandnotime]

Am really struggling at the moment to find time for everything I need to do, short of going pt at work (not an option) I can't see what I can change.

At the moment I leave for work at 730am. I go to the gym 2 nights after work, when I don't get home til 8pm. On one of the other nights I go to a weight loss group, and don't get home til 9. The other 2 nights I get home around 630, and then spend the evening with my bf (we don't live together) and my DC. Every evening I come home and cook, wash up, do some laundry, put out rubbish, tidy, etc - though some of this I don't do on the nights I get in late, but always cook/ wash up.

I have 2 DC who are teens. They do some work around the house but forget unless reminded and I don't have time in the day to keep chasing them and sending reminders. When I'm home I can get them to do some tasks with me.

At weekends...alternate weekends I spend with my bf, so am not at home. The others, on Sat I go to the gym, catch up with friends, do my shopping, etc (as much as I can in the time) and Sun I spend with bf and his DC.

This isn't enough though. I have loads of jobs at home that need doing - decorating, gardening,that I never have time to start. I also need to get some building work done but I can't find time to get the supplies I need, plus find someone to come and quote me for it.

More pressingly bf really wants me to learn to drive this year. I passed my theory 6 months ago but am struggling to see where I'd fit in driving lessons with everything else, especially as I've been told I should have at least 1 2 hour lesson a week.

Good luck

Is he paying for the shower to be done as this is such a major issue for him?

My DH seriously dislikes baths and I seriously dislike showers. Over the years we have lived in bedsits with no bath, houses with no shower etc. DH has put up with flannel washes and I have sacrificed my baths many times.

This has been pre marriage and DC too, we preferred to live together even if the amenities weren't ideal - like a lot of people. If our shower broke now, would my DH be checking into the travelodge as he couldn't cope? No. The fact your DP prioritises showers over spending time with you shows you what is more important to him. Please don't spend your money and use your holiday (which surely you would prefer to use in school holidays to spend with your DC) to pander to his whims.

You BOTH need a good hard look at your priorities. You're making all this sound so much harder than it is. You have bags of free time - use it how YOU want and in the way which is best for your DC.

The shower is something that's needed doing for some time. Waiting 20 mins every day to run a bath is a waste of my and my DCs time, I've just needed to save up the money and then find someone to do it, which is proving more tricky. I wouldn't expect him to pay for it, it's not his house. FWIW, he's never lived anywhere without a shower, his first flat had one, his house with his XW, his current home. Like I said, lots of people don't like baths and wouldn't consider living anywhere without a shower.

I can't take time at Easter, and at Whitsun my DC are on sporting courses, so I'm not sacrificing holiday I could spend with them. I intend to take some time off in the summer holiday as well, once I know when their father is taking them away. So my DC aren't missing out.

Well, it sounds like putting the shower in is important for you and your family, so that is your primary reason for doing it. Your secondary reason is to see whether it makes a difference and he comes over and helps you more with other things which need doing in your house - or whether something else gets in his way.

I'm not being sceptical for the sake of it; I had one of these weekend relationships, and I never had enough time - and it is because you are trying to cram seven days into four or five because you are carving out two or more for your BF. That is your choice, which is fine, but it should not be a one-way street (as mine turned out to be), particularly as there are impacts on other areas of your life.

I do genuinely think he wants to help, and it's not an excuse. I probably don't make it easy because I am not very organised but am used to doing (or not doing) everything myself. So I don't expect or seek help, I feel it's a bit weak for me to be asking him (or any of my friends for that matter) to do stuff at my house I'm perfectly capable of doing myself. That's partly how I was raised (in a family of very strong capable women who did everything) and also my relationship with my DCs father where he took on lots of tasks for me when the DC were small, and then didn't finish them/ wouldn't let me help/ stopped me starting anything new. And eventually made me believe I was completely incapable. So asking for help is not something I do, I struggle enough with accepting offers that are made freely.

I don't see much of them, (DC) but when you have to work ft to support your family, that's how it goes.
I don't think I neglect my DC

I do.
Aren't you concerned by how much they are left to their own devices?

Could the boyfriend help more with the practicalities of getting the shower done?

Getting any work done is a nightmare imo. We are waiting over three weeks now just for a quote for a bathroom refit :-/ So annoying!

Goblin, what a helpful post :)

So you think I neglect my children? What do you suggest I do as an alternative then? Give up work? Then we would have nothing to live on, and I think starving my children is far more neglectful than not being on hand every minute of the day.

Or maybe I should leave them with my family whilst I'm out of the house. Except I don't have any. Or their father. Except he's not interested. Ditto his family. So not really sure how I magic family support from thin air...

I work FT. I've never had the luxury of doing otherwise, not since my eldest DC was 6 months or so old. I've never left for work after 0730am, and this current role gets me home earlier than previous ones where I might not return til 7 or 8pm. Even when I used to collect my DC from childminder/nursery at 6.30pm, it would still be after 7 before we got home.

At the moment, I am spending an extra 3 or so hours a week that I could be with my DC, at the gym or my slimming class. I don't think 3 hours to myself is excessive. My DC are fairly sensible. They probably are spending more time online/chatting to their friends via Skype, or Snapchat or whatever than they should be doing hteir homework when I'm not there, but as when I am at home I don't supervise their homework but let them get on with it in their rooms, they probably do that at those times too.

So no, I'm not concerned. I know where they are when I'm not at home, and I know they're not doing anything dangerous or illegal, because they have more sense.

MissDuke, he isn't really in a position to help as he also works FT, and has no more knowledge of reputable local tradesmen than me. He said he's happy to look over quotes with me, I just need ot get to that stage first.

OP, I also work FT with no support, as a single parent, my children are not neglected either.

You are the best judge of your relationship but I think if the long term goal is to sell your place and move to somewhere new, you need to be sure you can work as a team before that. There may be genuine reasons you don't ask for help; it is also possible that he does not offer either. I think it is important to establish that you can live and work together in your space as much as his, if you want to genuinely bring your lives together.

If you keep doing it all yourself and making all the effort, how will you ever know if he works with you to complete a goal or makes you feel incapable and keeps adding hurdles?

I think neglect is a strong word, but I have said this before and I'll say it for the last time, priorities.

Throughout the thread, and indeed in your OP itself, you mention the demands of your weekly routine, in this order:

Work (fair enough)
Gym
Weight loss class
BF
DC

These are your exact words in the OP
"At weekends...alternate weekends I spend with my bf, so am not at home. The others, on Sat I go to the gym, catch up with friends, do my shopping, etc (as much as I can in the time) and Sun I spend with bf and his DC"

It's blindingly obvious that your DC aren't at the top of your priorities, I understand teens don't require the same level of "care" as little ones, but they do need you. IME they need to know you are around, and communication is easier when it's relaxed and low key ie you're in the background, but there

It seems to be me, everything you complain you don't have time for (you do, you need to prioritise) is connected with your BF.

I honestly try and be kind on MN, I don't believe in giving people a kicking unless they are hairy handed bollock scratchers so I mean this post in a genuinely helpful way. Please look at your priorities. BFs and indeed as we all know, DHs can come and go sadly but I'm sure you want a good relationship with your DC for the rest of your life so please take this in the spirit it is intended.

Oh god and certainly don't buy a house together before living together first.

If he can't stay with you now as your bathroom isnt to his standard, you really really need to cohabit properly on a trial basis before making a huge commitment.

My head hurts about this thread. I've read all the posts and I'm still a little flummoxed that the OP doesn't think she has any time to do anything. There is loads of time. Loads. And loads of ways to shuffle it to fit in more. For example, if her boyfriend doesn't usually get round to hers till 7.30, and if she usually gets home from the gym at 8, why doesn't he come over on a gym night rather than a non-gym night and then she can use a non-gym night for a driving lesson (although I think the driving lessons are a red herring, no point learning to drive if you don't want to, and it's clear she really doesn't want to)? Or instead of going to her boyfriends on a Friday night, go on a Saturday morning and have an early driving lesson before she leaves.

But to be honest, I feel like we're all wasting our time on this, it doesn't sound like she really wants to do anything differently and I don't really think there is a problem, especially when you hear about what other parents (esp single parents) end up having to juggle.

It's blindingly obvious that your DC aren't at the top of your priorities, I understand teens don't require the same level of "care" as little ones, but they do need you. IME they need to know you are around, and communication is easier when it's relaxed and low key ie you're in the background, but there

Absolutely agree with this from reading your posts op. I don't mean to be unkind either, I hope you can manage all your competeing demand so that your dc get the best of you.

Out of a 14 night period, your dc are away for 2 weekend nights, yes?

6 other week nights, you get back at 8/9 instead of 6.30.
4 other week nights, you get back at 6.30 and bf is there.

What do you do the other weekend?

It really doesnt see like you see your kids much at all. How old are they? Do they ever see you without your bf?

Think your priorities are all around, sorry.

No idea what I mean by all around. Wrong way round, certainly.

Yes, my DC are away 2 nights out of 14. Thats the total.amount of time they spend with their father (and they rarely see him then because he works weekends) but yes of course it's ME that's the bad parent

I see my DC 12 mornings a week, and 12 evenings. Yes my bf is here for some of those, but the rest it's me and my DC. But obviously because I work such long hours I shouldn't go to the gym. Or try to lose weight in a way that works for me, because I should be here all the time. Even though thats what I've done for most of the last 10 years, all the time I've been a single parent, and I've been on my own all that time,no endless stream of boyfriends being paraded in front of my DC like plenty of others do.

And to correct the assumption, we're not about to buy a house together. We do intend to move in together in the next year, but we will probably rent somewhere and rent out our own houses as neither are suitable for us as a single unit. Then at some point in the future once those houses are sold we'll buy. But that's quite a way off yet.

I don't do any chores at his, maybe sometimes help him bring washing in off the line and fold it, thats all. He cooks and washes up. And does laundry, takes out bins etc. Anything else he does when I'm not there.

I have alternate weekends without him other than Sundays already, however it's only enough time to catch up on housework not to start all the other stuff really.

'other than sundays' -- but that's half the weekend! Out of 8 weekend days a month, you spend 6 with him and not at home. That's why people think you DO have lots of time if you prioritised it differently and why people think maybe you don't see enough of your kids.

I don't think you neglect your kids, but they only see you every other weekend, and you're spending one of those two days with someone else's kids. The other day you are madly trying to do everything.

I agree it sounds like it's all about him.

If you are moving in together next year, I hope he will agree to move somewhere near you so your kids won't be disrupted too much.

OP the more you write, the worse he sounds. You are not a bad parent. You have done so much for your children over the years and it takes its toll and you do deserve happiness and to have your own needs met. BUT you clearly have a RUBBISH boyfriend. I hope you can take a step back before moving in together as I just want to scream 'don't do it!!!!'

He really isn't a rubbish boyfriend, not at all. This assumption seems to be based on
a) him wanting me to attempt learning to drive.
This isn't an uncommon request. Most people don't want to be in a relationship where they do all the driving.
b) me spending time with his DC.
Surely this isn't a bad thing..if we'd been together a year and I'd only met his DC once or twice everyone would be telling me it's not a serious relationship, he doesn't see me as long term etc. Yet I'm criticised for spending time with them. Before anyone suggests we do stuff as a family - his DC are 10 years younger than mine, so there's no real common ground. Plus we wouldn't all fit in one car.

So how else is he rubbish?

what strikes me is that he seems completely unwilling or unable to compromise
he won't accept you not learning to drive. do you get to "not accept " life choices he makes

This isn't an uncommon request. Most people don't want to be in a relationship where they do all the driving.

No. Most people would go into a relationship with all the other person's pros and cons. If the matter was important enough, then they would not get into a relationship with them. Not accepting you not driving, is a red flag. Because that is him wanting you to change for him.

I went out with loads of men who didn't drive. I never said 'it is non negotiable, you have to drive to be in a relationship with me'. It never even crossed my mind.

Like, not coming over because there is not time to go back to his for a shower before work. I mean, just have a flannel wash or a quick bath.

It sounds like you need to prioritize what you need to do most urgently and what you would like to do. Getting the shower put in is a start.
Could you make a list of tasks you need to have done in the house and prioritize them? Then write down the timescale to have them done.
Eg. Have shower put in: March; Have velux window replaced: June
January 2016 decorate living room Summer 2016 Get quotes for a new kitchen.
I have made these up... just to give you an example of what I mean. I do this all the time and I find it helps me to be organized and stop stressing about everything that needs to be done - when I know it is on a list and has a date next to it then I feel like I have everything under control.

The same applies to things in your personal life - like weightloss or driving. Do you need to keep going to weightloss sessions? It would free up time for driving. If you said to yourself I will go to weightloss for another 9 months then I will stop the sessions and use that evening to go driving. Or you could drop a gym session until you have done the driving. Do you want to drive or does your bf want you to drive?
I passed my test in the summer at the age of 37 - it took me 5 weeks from starting to passing including a 2 week theory course (I am in Europe - it is organized a bit differently in this country). It was pretty intense though as I had 3 lessons a week. However, it is done and dusted and now my life is a whole lot easier.
Could you have driving lessons in your town on a Saturday morning and then travel to your boyfriend so you get their early afternoon?

It does sound like you have a lot of me-time and I think you will need to use some of that time to get the jobs done. I also think that if your bf wants you to drive then he must understand that perhaps he might have to see you for 2 hours less on the weekends. He doesn't sound very understanding and helpful to be honest.

I really think you can do the things you want/need to do but it comes down to organization and planning and not trying to do everything at once.

I was married to someone who didn't drive, it was not the thing the relationship failed on, it really was not. And for the record, ten years on, he is happily married and still doesn't drive.

I don't know, I don't have teen DC (just yet). Have you asked them if they would rather spend one of these Sundays with you? I also wonder about having one on one time with each DC, I find that really important because I have an age gap.

So also I get the struggling to find common activities, but there must be some - swimming, ice rink, theme parks - not all the time, but now and then something exclusive? It needs to cater to your DC needs as well. You have got four DC between you, not two.