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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No time to do anything...aibu in not seeing how I can easily create more time?

233 replies

toomuchtodoandnotime · 04/03/2015 13:24

Am really struggling at the moment to find time for everything I need to do, short of going pt at work (not an option) I can't see what I can change.

At the moment I leave for work at 730am. I go to the gym 2 nights after work, when I don't get home til 8pm. On one of the other nights I go to a weight loss group, and don't get home til 9. The other 2 nights I get home around 630, and then spend the evening with my bf (we don't live together) and my DC. Every evening I come home and cook, wash up, do some laundry, put out rubbish, tidy, etc - though some of this I don't do on the nights I get in late, but always cook/ wash up.

I have 2 DC who are teens. They do some work around the house but forget unless reminded and I don't have time in the day to keep chasing them and sending reminders. When I'm home I can get them to do some tasks with me.

At weekends...alternate weekends I spend with my bf, so am not at home. The others, on Sat I go to the gym, catch up with friends, do my shopping, etc (as much as I can in the time) and Sun I spend with bf and his DC.

This isn't enough though. I have loads of jobs at home that need doing - decorating, gardening,that I never have time to start. I also need to get some building work done but I can't find time to get the supplies I need, plus find someone to come and quote me for it.

More pressingly bf really wants me to learn to drive this year. I passed my theory 6 months ago but am struggling to see where I'd fit in driving lessons with everything else, especially as I've been told I should have at least 1 2 hour lesson a week.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 04/03/2015 22:12

I would also try to claw back some time on the Sundays you see his kids -- that's 7 hours of leisure time with someone else's kids, surely you can meet up with them around lunchtime or after, and have the morning to get some stuff done. You could do batch cooking for the whole week if you met up with them later.

TinLizzie · 04/03/2015 22:40

OP, I asked this earlier but I'll ask again. You've posted on this before, haven't you? And had pretty much the same response, which was mainly frustration from everyone that you were asking for help, but putting obstacles in the way every.single.time. So... my last post on this is:

  1. Forget the driving. No point unless this new relationship works out and you DO move. It may be easier taking a test in a 'quieter' location if you're struggling with learning where you are now (Shropshire roads are very quiet, by the way!!).
  2. Install a shower. Your DCs, you AND your bf will appreciate the spare time you now have.
  3. Take a lunch time. You are entitled to this, whatever your job. You may need to take it at a quiet time, but nevertheless by law, you are entitled to it.
  4. Please, please, stop putting obstacles in the way and stop whingeing. You do not have less time than anyone else on the planet, but it's a juggling act and IT'S ALL YOUR CHOICE!!!
Romeyroo · 05/03/2015 06:48

Hi OP,

Yes, get the shower put in. It would be interesting to see whether your DP comes to yours more (or if there is something else wrong with your house) and also, if he does come, whether he helps with the gardening/decorating/supply resourcing you need to do - or whether he insists that weekends, he needs to relax/weekends are couple or family time etc.

You definitely need to ascertain this before you proceed with anything else.

Original poster
toomuchtodoandnotime · 05/03/2015 06:50

A lot of the foods I'm eating don't really lend themselves to batch cooking as can't be frozen. There are one or two meals that could be perhaps, I'll go through my recipes and see what I can find that's suitable and have a go on my next 'home' weekend.

I've researched car insurance based on a vague approximation of the sort of cheap, small car I'm likely to buy...comes out around £1k. Which puts it rather beyond my reach right now unfortunately (unless I spent all the money set aside for shower, decorating, garden etc which I'm not sure would be wise). So that will have to wait til I've saved more money (thats a whole other thread...).

Have messaged a couple of friends who have had work done at home recently to ask if they can recommend anyone (as I've tried the local recommended workmen before and most didn't respond or arranged to come for a,quote,I took time off and they never turned up).

OP posts:
paxtecum · 05/03/2015 07:37

I don't understand why BF can't have a bath.
It seems a bit precious of him not staying because op doesn't have a shower.

Why should she go to the expense of fitting a shower just for him?

Op: could you not have driving lessons from his house rather than travel back to your house?

capsium · 05/03/2015 07:43

Well MN is the place for recipes which cater to any particular diet you are on. Have you checked out the weight loss boards? You could start a thread in the relevant section asking about recipes suitable for batch cooking and freezing.

ilovesooty · 05/03/2015 07:46

I think you're making all sorts of excuses quite honestly and seem over invested in what your boyfriend wants and what his opinion is. He doesn't come over as a lovely caring man to me but as someone who is overly controlling.
You'd have plenty of time if you made different choices. You just don't want to.

DuchessofBuffonia · 05/03/2015 08:02

When I learnt to drive, I had a weekly hour's lesson from 6.30-7.30am. If you were dropped off at your house, you could then leave straightaway for work.

DeliciousMonster · 05/03/2015 08:09

OP are you aware of the concept of 'the busy fool'?

spring8020.co.uk/insights/dont-busy-fool/

If YOU do not want to learn how to drive then don't do it.

If your partner won't have a bath rather than a shower, then how exactly will this pan out long term when he won't compromise on other things that he doesn't want to do?

It seems to me as if you are tripping up over yourself to service this man. Not a good idea. It should be half and half IMHO.

Original poster
toomuchtodoandnotime · 05/03/2015 08:21

Not having baths is fairly common I think, I've seen threads on here before where people haven't had baths for years, and have even removed their bath to just have a shower cubicle. When I was looking to move a few years ago, quite a few houses I viewed had done this. It's not like he's insisting on a power shower or something with massaging jets or whatever! I'm sure one of those attach to the bath taps ones would do. But I don't have the right sort of tap. I've always intended to instal a shower, it's not purely for his benefit. But as for me its a nice to have rather than an essential, other things have been higher on the priority list. He does stay at mine, but goes home first thing for a shower before work etc.

OP posts:
mrssmith79 · 05/03/2015 08:21

Can you not put a week's holiday in at work?
It sounds like you're chasing your tail at the moment. Spend a full day on the garden, a couple of days intensive driving course, a day on the house catching up on all the little things that niggle you (decorating can wait a few months I'm sure), and for God's sake, have a 'me' day! Have a lie in, long bath, coffee and a trashy magazine and some daytime telly Grin

Original poster
toomuchtodoandnotime · 05/03/2015 08:46

A week off would be great, I'm always saving my hols to later on the year but maybe I just need to take some for a change! We're not allowed hols in March generally (plus need to give 4 weeks notice of a weeks leave) but April could work,especially if I could try to tie in the shower works for the same time.

OP posts:
mrssmith79 · 05/03/2015 09:26

Do it! GrinWineFlowers

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 05/03/2015 09:51

there is a huge difference between replacing your bath with a shower, and refusing to stay somewhere without a shower.
If he really wanted he could have a flannel wash under running water.

Watchmestumble · 05/03/2015 09:53

The easiest thing to do would be to ditch your boyfriend.

Then no stress about driving lessons (he is the only one to 'challenge' you on this! Who does he think he is? Do it if and when you want to.)

You haven't got to spend 7 hours on a Sunday with his kids.

You would have weekends and several evenings to exercise, sort your house out, go shopping,see your friends and spend time with your own kids.

You can get a shower fitted if and when it suits you and your family, not your fussy bf.

If you love him, fine, stick it out and suck it up.

Sethspeaks · 05/03/2015 09:56

Other than the Sunday, when does he see his children?

DeliciousMonster · 05/03/2015 09:57

Seriously - you are now going to take time off work to install a shower for him and do an intensive driving course?

Again - you are running to his tune. Is he a bath bomb that will cease to exist in deepish water?

Still, if that is what floats your boat.

MaybeDoctor · 05/03/2015 10:00

I'm sure that your bf is a great guy, but the amount of time, effort and head-space he is taking up for a relationship that is only a year old it really seems as if the tail is wagging the dog. Don't even think about making plans to move to a rural area with him until there is a lot more relationship mileage on the clock!

I support everything that has been said up-thread about online shopping, prioritising etc. But your bf has introduced a 'task' that wasn't on your own agenda and seems to be some kind of test for you. Why is you learning to drive so important for him?

If you don't really need to drive anywhere and can't afford a car (which would be the whole point of learning to drive), then just don't learn to drive. And tell him that you won't be doing it until your daughters leave home/you have more money/the cows come home.

Altinkum · 05/03/2015 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whereupon · 05/03/2015 11:52

It sounds as though the DCs are almost grown up, and OP is planning to move out to live with BF and his young DCs in rural house without public transport links. Will be a huge change in lots of ways.

Original poster
toomuchtodoandnotime · 05/03/2015 12:35

Learning to drive he feels is an important life skill. I've seen plenty of threads on here discussing a similar thing (and some fairly vociferous comments about non drivers) so it's a not uncommon view. He's not given me an ultimatum that unless I pass my test we're finished, but he expects me to try. Which I understand and I have no real reason, other than shortage of time, for not doing so.

My DC are early and mid teens. I am not moving immediately, nor will I be leaving them behind. It is a longer term plan which I had before meeting bf, although then I was looking to move to one of the towns in that area, rather than a more rural location. My bfs DC will not be moving with him as they live mainly with their mother. He will continue to see them as he does now.

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 05/03/2015 12:42

Learning to drive he feels is an important life skill he expects me to try

It is one of many. I know loads of people that do not drive. It is not an essential skill.

Again 'he' feels. What about what you feel? I live rurally. There is a bus that stops within 3 minutes of my door. I DO drive but if you don't want to - just don't.

dreamingbohemian · 05/03/2015 13:43

I'm in my 40s and don't know how to drive. I used to live in London, I knew LOADS of people who didn't drive. Sorry but he's full of it. Shortage of time and money IS a good reason not to bother with it now. 'He expects me to try' -- is he your dad? Honestly, I think this is a really weird dynamic. You've only been together a year, he has no right to expect you to do anything.

Whereupon · 05/03/2015 13:56

To be fair to your BF, unless you live in London there are a lot of advantages to being able to drive. And if one person in a couple can't drive, there is a big onus on the other person. Particularly, obviously, if there are poor public transport links. I wouldn't live somewhere with poor public transport links unless you have learned to drive, as it would make you horribly dependent on your BF. But it sounds as though you need to sit down with him and talk through your issues with driving and how you can fit in the kind of teaching and practice you will need. He should be prepared to help you with the practice, and should accommodate the time you will need for your lessons.