No time to do anything...aibu in not seeing how I can easily create more time?

[toomuchtodoandnotime]

Am really struggling at the moment to find time for everything I need to do, short of going pt at work (not an option) I can't see what I can change.

At the moment I leave for work at 730am. I go to the gym 2 nights after work, when I don't get home til 8pm. On one of the other nights I go to a weight loss group, and don't get home til 9. The other 2 nights I get home around 630, and then spend the evening with my bf (we don't live together) and my DC. Every evening I come home and cook, wash up, do some laundry, put out rubbish, tidy, etc - though some of this I don't do on the nights I get in late, but always cook/ wash up.

I have 2 DC who are teens. They do some work around the house but forget unless reminded and I don't have time in the day to keep chasing them and sending reminders. When I'm home I can get them to do some tasks with me.

At weekends...alternate weekends I spend with my bf, so am not at home. The others, on Sat I go to the gym, catch up with friends, do my shopping, etc (as much as I can in the time) and Sun I spend with bf and his DC.

This isn't enough though. I have loads of jobs at home that need doing - decorating, gardening,that I never have time to start. I also need to get some building work done but I can't find time to get the supplies I need, plus find someone to come and quote me for it.

More pressingly bf really wants me to learn to drive this year. I passed my theory 6 months ago but am struggling to see where I'd fit in driving lessons with everything else, especially as I've been told I should have at least 1 2 hour lesson a week.

There are places apart from London where there are good transport links / no real need to drive! Where

No wonder cities have huge parking problems...each member of the household needing a car...

But why bother doing it now? If you don't have a car and are unlikely to be able to afford one in the near future, then it is pointless anyway. I learned to drive and passed my test many years before I had access to a car and then needed to have a full set of refresher lessons in order to learn again.

If the time comes that you are thinking of moving you will probably need to begin making arrangements about a year or 18 months ahead of time. Learn to drive at that point, not now.

It all smacks to me of what he wants for you, not what you want for you. He's being a big baby if he won't stay overnight as you don't have a shower. That's just an excuse. You don't have time to fit in driving lessons nor do you really want them.

If my dp had "expected" me to do anything like this, I'd have been telling him to expect all he liked, but that I was perfectly capable of running my own life and making my own decisions.

You didn't answer my question about how often he sees his children. is it just on the Sundays thst he expects you to be there too?

It was important that I got to know dp's children too, but that would never have been at the expense of me having enough time to keep home life and me and my teens in balance,

capsium - I agree - if you spend most of your time in the city or town where you live, there is really no need for a car. If the OP struggles with learning to drive, then it would make a lot more sense for her and BF to live in a town with decent public transport, as she had originally thought of doing. Better for all the DCs too.
The bath thing would annoy me most. Is he incapable of that very small level of compromise?

Yes I'm with those saying that learning to drive doesn't sound like a particular priority at this point.

It's only a priority if you are planning to move to a rural location with poor public transport links, and if you work in Central London anyway and have to use public transport for part of your journey, then I can't quite see why driving is the be all and end all, particularly as you can't afford to buy a car right now and your BF doesn't want you to drive his shiny new one.

Have you thought about getting a bicycle? At the very least it would cut down those 25 min each way shop trips in half, but it could also be used for part of your commute to and from work and once you get confident on it, could be used to formulate a new plan around the rural location. My cousins partner lives rurally and commutes to London by having two bikes - one at home which he cycles to the train station, then another one at the other end. It also means lots of exercise which you could use to cut down on the gym sessions.

Talking of which... you go to the gym to run only? Apologise as this might have been mentioned, but have you tried running outside - that way you could get a decent workout in a much shorter time and again it could be built into your commute. Or when you go to the softplay rather than you hanging around, you could go off for a run whilst they are there, or indeed a driving lesson if you were thus inclined.

For your garden could you pay your teens to keep on top of the easy jobs like mowing the lawn etc. I agree that the price of gardening services is v.high, so that might be a good solution.

Bottom line is I don't think you want to learn to drive. If you squeezed more spare time out, you'd go to the gym more - you said so yourself. I don't think you're wrong not to be able to. Yes it's a great skill, but realistically you've got this far without it, you can't afford a car and the only real reason to do it is your DP's desire to live rurally together at some point in time in teh future.

I think we can see that your boyfriend wants you to learn to drive.
We can't see that you do.
I don't think you do.
And there is no point passing your test if you don't have a car to practise in straight away, you will just lose your confidence.

I learnt to drive when I was 40, like you I had previous lessons when younger but had lost my nerve. It took me a year and I passed 2nd time (only driving I did was with instructor). So, it is doable (I am a big scaredy cat!)
However, do you want to learn? Its a big financial commitment and you don't have your own car so is it worth it? Sounds like your boyfriend wants you to learn to drive but doesn't want to make any sacrifices himself (i.e. still wants you to come to him every weekend on the lame excuse you don't have a shower). Personally I think he might like that arrangement because its easier for him. Is he offering you the use of his car if you pass your test? Or does he think you will buy your own and just drive to him every time? If he's that keen for you to learn he might have to help you facilitate that in terms of visiting you more often. Ditto if he doesn't think your house is up to scratch decorating wise.
Also, not sure how old your kids are but doesn't sound like you spend some time just with them?

Well you're choosing to spend your free time at gym/weight loss club, with boyfriend or with friends. Don't know what to say really. I don't see my friends every week I don't have time. Some weeks I've to cut back on the gym too. You want more time you have to make sacrifices

" for God's sake, have a 'me' day! Have a lie in, long bath, coffee and a trashy magazine and some daytime telly grin"
she spend 3 out of four weekend days with her bf. the fourth is spent catching up with friends and shopping if she can squeeze it in. I don't think time to relax is the issue

Do you go to your bf on a Friday night? Could you have him at yours and early sat morning driving lesson then go to his? Bit confused about timings.

In your position I'd certainly take time off to get the shower and other building work done. Just a couple of days would do it then you could spend more time at yours for ther other priorities. What about changing the taps to something really cheap that can take a shower attachment?

I think I had a boyfriend a bit like yours, wanted to see me in my free time, but I had way less free time that him being the resident parent and holding Down a job. He worked but only had his children every other weekend, so had plenty of time to see me and get things done.

Something needs to give as it's just not balanced.

He either needs to get over this shower issue, which for a grown man is daft, and give you a hand round the house. Or accept he won't see you as much..

It's just life, things have to be done. I'm sure we would all like to live like we are 18 and just do the fun stuff, but it's not like that.

You either have to do the work yourself or pay someone. That's what it boils down to.
Grow up a little bit and get the boyfriend too as well.

It sounds like you don't want to drive, I'd you don't want to..don't.

Or, if you do want to, give up a gym session or a night with the boyfriend, it's not hard. Most parents would give their back teeth to get 3 evenings out a week, heck, a month. Or every few months. You are very lucky so quit moaning and make some changes if you want anything to change.

Change the bath taps - £50 and get a shower that attaches to the bath taps -£20?

freeing self of controlling boyfriend ... priceless

OP-sounds like it's your kids who are missing out here- you don't seem to be spending any quality time with them.
They may be teenagers, but kids this age are going through a lot and do best with time, support and a listening ear. Seems the one day a fortnight you have to yourself you spend shopping, meeting friends.

Could you incorporate some exercise time with your kids- play badminton or go to the gym with them?

It's not that you don't have enough time- it's that you are trying to pack too much in.

Improvise

• all you need is a bucket and a smaller bowl. Put bucket under bath taps and fill with warm water. BF can then stand in the bath and "shower" himself using the smaller bowl.

This will eliminate the need to sit in the bathwater which I presume is what he is against.

Oops, I thought you were going to say get a bucket and tip it over his head.

Seriously, I think where the suggestions of control are coming from,OP, is that he is attaching conditions to the relationship and your behaviour and you are tying yourself in knots trying to fulfil them. That sets a pattern.

What about running to or from work or cycling, rather than going to the gym?

You've paid off your mortgage? Money can buy time can't it?

I must say though from my perspective sounds like a lovely life. I have 2y10mo twins and a full time job with commute that sees.me leave the house at 5.45am and get back at 7pm. DH does nursery drop off and pickup. Weekends are trying to get all washing/housework done while seeing the kids, limited in what we can do in the week by time and living in a small flat with poor sound insulation and don't want to wake the kids. Not in UK; no online grocery delivery and very hard to find a cleaner. Both me and DH got ill this week, kids too hence up half the night, DH said he now understands how it is possible for people to die of exhaustion

Well I'm going to waste my breath and wade in, OP.

I've just read the whole thread and kept thinking 'am I missing something?'

This is very simply about prioritising time like every other person in the world has to do.

You have plenty of time - you have more time than I do or most people I know. I work FT in central London - there's no way I'd find time to go to the gym twice a week or if I did I would drop a lot of other balls. You have plenty of choices. You go to the gym, socialise, see friends, spend whole weekends at your boyfriends.

All you're saying is 'I want to do everything I want to do, without changing anything, without giving up any social or free time and I want to make my awful sounding boyfriend happy'.

Anyway, my advice: GIVE UP THE DRIVING. You don't want to do it, your bf wants you to do it. Fine if you actually get to the point of deciding to move to the rural location in a few years time, you can learn then - absolutely no reason to do it now. And he can stick his 'it's an important life skill' up his arse. It's the one big glaring thing that is stressing you out and taking up time when you want to be doing other things.

Anyway, as you were. You won't listen to anyone anyway.

Do you have a lunch break at work? Could you do a driving lesson then?

I think the bf is being a bit selfish actually. His kids are not there full time, hence he can spend more time at yours. He doesn't like not having a shower- he can help you sort it. He wants you to learn to drive- well, if you really do want to learn (and after all, it would be useful), well, he won't mind you learning on a Sunday and he can deal with his kids on his own!

Don't give up the gym, that should be a top priority, and also the weight loss class. That is your health and your health comes first.xxx

what dos you decideop?

I do the shred in the mornings before my shower. takes half hour. could that replace gym session?

I don't really have time in the mornings. I get up at 0615-0630 already to leave by 0730. I'd struggle to get up another half hour earlier. I fond the discipline of going to the gym works better for me, and is more sustainable.

In terms of what I've decided to do, in the short term we are continuing much as we are. I won't see bf for much of this week as he has several breakfast work meetings (and wouldn't have time to get back from mine, shower, and then go to work) and of course I can't leave my DC at home overnight on their own.

Re a more long tern solution, I've booked a week off work at the end of next month (earliest possible time) to try and get the shower done. We have a fancy wall mounted spout thing which is why I can't simply get a push on shower or replace the taps (there are no taps, just a lever). However I'm struggling a bit with that task as the friends I contacted can't recommend anyone, and despite leaving a few messages for people I found on a local trusted traders site, no one's called me back yet about giving me a quote. Will just have to keep trying!

Once I've got a quote for that and someone booked in so i know how much it will cost and when it's getting done I'm going to look again at driving and whether I can afford any kind of intensive course.