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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
TywysogesGymraeg · 04/03/2015 12:42

Personnally, I think I'm setting a good example to my children by working.

I would find it difficult to argue with them why they need to study to do well at exams in school/university later if I wasn't using my own education.

Let battle commence......!

Feckeggblue · 04/03/2015 12:44

I think yabu- why is it better for your family for you to stay at home?

My mother sah. I was bored a lot of the time and would've benefitted from more activity. We also had less money than if she had worked and went without because of this. I would've preferred to have foreign holidays/ riding classes/ a new car.

Children have different personalities and they aren't all better off one way or another. Of course it's not practical to make your choice on this basis

PtolemysNeedle · 04/03/2015 12:44

Have as much pride as you want in living by your own choices. You don't need anyone else to justify them for you if you're already confident you're doing the right thing.

Just don't expect other people to agree that you are doing the best you can if you're living off benefits to fund your luxury choice.

I was a SAHM, and I do think having a SAHP is better for children in the early years, but it's not so vital to society that society should have to pay for it. It's a choice that should be paid for by parents whose own families are getting to enjoy the perks of it.

callamia · 04/03/2015 12:45

You do what you like, and let others do what they like. None of us are 'right', because we're all doing the best in our own circumstances. If you think anything else, you're a bloody idiot.

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 12:46

If you're saying it's better for your children if you don't work then fair enough. It's your kids and your situation and if it's what you want, you can afford it and you're happy then it's nobody else's business. Just as it's none of your business what choices others make and you respect their choice as being the right one for their family, right?

But people don't hear you think it's better for your kids if you don't work. They hear I am criticising you for making a different choice to me. I am judging you. My choice is best.

Which is why these threads always kick off and you know they do and this will.

thatstoast · 04/03/2015 12:46

I agree with your first sentence.

FarelyKnuts · 04/03/2015 12:46

Do what you like and what works for your family but YABU to declare it "loud and proud" like it is somehow a superior achievement

Cariad007 · 04/03/2015 12:46

My mum was a SAHM and looking back I think she felt quite bored and unfulfilled and it would've been better for her if she had trained to do something and worked even part-time. I'm not sure she really enjoyed motherhood that much.

Fanfeckintastic · 04/03/2015 12:46

I was a SAHM for a while but even then I believed I set a better example when working. No judgment to anybody else but I'm very proud to be a working mother, I love the balance and it suits our life perfectly.

Cariad007 · 04/03/2015 12:47

Having said that, if you're happy being a SAHM and it's what you want to do then good for you!

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 04/03/2015 12:47

What callamia said.

But I must add that it's fair game to put down SAH on here but not the other way round. I hope that changes and respect can be shown from both sides as this is rarely the case as the first few replies show.

SoupDragon · 04/03/2015 12:47

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work.

Nonsense.

It has been a good thing for my family to have a parent who doesn't work. Other families have different situations.

Some people enjoy their job and would be miserable at home with the children - that isn't good for the kids.
Some people need to work for the money - not having that money isn't good for the children.

You need to remove your blinkers and think for a moment. It's really not that hard to see the other side.

Icimoi · 04/03/2015 12:47

If you think these threads are beyond boring, why have you started another one?

MrsTedCrilly · 04/03/2015 12:47

YANBU. Why people feel the need to criticise others decisions is beyond me.. All I can think of is that they are insecure with their choice. I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't dream of slating working mums, we all need to support each other.. I hate how women come under fire from other women.
To be honest though I've never seen criticism towards either choice outside of mumsnet/daily fail!

DecaffTastesWeird · 04/03/2015 12:48

YANBU at all. Although presumably you prefer to SAH too, it's not that you are dying to work but are making the sacrifice for kindlewinks' sake?

You should be really proud of what you are doing. It's a difficult, time consuming, emotionally draining and sometimes - dare I say - boring job and I truly admire SAHMs, especially those with several DCs.

It is better for my DC that I DO work based on the whole "happy mummy = happy child" premise. I would not be a happy SAHM and I wouldn't be very good at it either!

glenthebattleostrich · 04/03/2015 12:48

Well I work from home so do I win?!!!

ScrumpyBetty · 04/03/2015 12:48

The problem is, I think, when your pride at being a SAHM, comes across as superior as if you feel you are a better parent than those of us who have to work. Yes of course being a SAHM is fab, wonderful, brilliant- if you are a wonderful mother and do wonderful things with your children. WOHM mums can be great too, and their children certainly not disadvantaged. You get good SAHM and good WOHM, one is not necessarily better, it's down to parenting and children and childcare choices....

Also, sone of us don't have a choice about whether to work or stay at home, we have to work. I work 3 days a week and would dearly live to be a SAHM but can't afford it. So you see, if someone said that they were proud of being a SAHM, I would feel that they were implying that they think they are better than me because they are lucky enough not to work, and I feel that this is rubbish.
I know plenty of mums- some work, some SAH, their children are all fine and the mums are all good mums.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 04/03/2015 12:48

My main objection is the "M" in the debate. Both men and women are equally able and should have the same opportunity to be the SAH / WOH parent.

GingerCuddleMonster · 04/03/2015 12:49

I work, I like it, I get a break from DS. It's nice to not have to listen to crying for 8hours a day and talk to other adults, it works for me. Grin and saves my sanity.

ConstanceMoan · 04/03/2015 12:50

AIBU to say loud and provide that - starting now- I am going to use the hide button for all SAHM-v-WOHM threads. They are always pointless and always get nasty!

RJnomore · 04/03/2015 12:50

I don't see anything to back a claim it's the best thing for your family in your op. So, what makes it so good?

Lweji · 04/03/2015 12:51

Chip on shoulder?

Not sure why anyone has to justify their choices, let alone proclaim them out loud from the roof tops.

McFox · 04/03/2015 12:51

I don't think that your superior attitude will help further your cause here OP.

I've worked really hard to get my career to where it is, and I want my children to know that hard work has rewards.

I also know that my DS needs a lot of stimulation and he could be bored if it was just us at home 5 days a week. Nursery will be good for him from that point of view.

I made the decision to go back to work for all of our sakes and I won't be made to feel bad about that.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:51

It think the need to say it loud and proud (and to start another thread) comes from the fact that, as Wheresmy says, "it's fair game to put down SAH on here but not the other way round"

OP posts:
flora717 · 04/03/2015 12:51

I've worked full-time. I've worked the elusive part-time / term-time and I am currently a SAHM.
For me personally the middle option was best. I did all that needed to be done and hahad some recognition for being good at something. As a SAHM, yes, my children probably have marginally healthier lives (I can walk the school run at both ends of the day, meals have more thought, homework is easier as I prepare everything so they sit and slog with no prep or me trying to find the right book / site.
But. I am personally finding it a grind. My personality is disappearing. I miss work.
I now find I cannot concentrate on things. It's disturbing.
That and being irrelevant to society (I am not in receipt of a single benefit and cannot access support to find work).
My confidence is eroded. I have few friends they are all childless and (nicely) think I am wasting my intelligence, abilities and life. I agree.

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