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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 04/03/2015 12:59

OP, you still haven't provided any evidence that it's better for your kids tat you are at home.

Waitingonasunnyday · 04/03/2015 13:00

Don't worry about offending me, I don't care what you are LOUD and PROUD of doing.

Madeyemoodysmum · 04/03/2015 13:00

So many typos! I hope you got the gist. Phones!!!

TooTiredToThinkOfAUsername · 04/03/2015 13:00

I think that whichever choice you make (stay at home or work) there will always be someone criticising you. I tell myself it's because they're insecure in their own choice.

I think people in general can be terribly judgemental. (They can be lovely too - I'm not down on all of humanity).

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 04/03/2015 13:00

I'm currently a SAHM because of a particular set of circumstances which mean it is better for the whole family for me (and it has to be me, not DH) to not work right now.

But as soon as I can I'll be back at work, and we will then all be better off for it, and nothing anyone can say will alter that.

Personally my heart swells with pride when DD plays "mummy" with her dolls and then puts on my shoes and plays "going out to work". I would be profoundly depressed if we returned to an age where education was deemed to be wasted on girls because all they were going to do was run a house , and I think any mum needs to consider the example they are setting to their daughters in particular (though it also benefits boys to break the "dad earns money and mum does the house" model)

Owllady · 04/03/2015 13:01

I think you were a coward for changing your name.

I had always worked until a few years ago and the main motivator for giving up work was for the benefit of my children, but also myself. They were 13, 11 and 5 at the time. I felt I was being pulled in all directions, every half term was an absolute struggle. Any appointment. The house was a shambles. The children seemed unhappy, I was unhappy. My eldest has a severe disability which I am sure makes a difference in terms of coping/not coping but we were told she needed a major operation and I think it broke me. I just thought if I can by not working then I think I will, for us, so I did. My husband works and we're lucky we can live off one wage.

I don't judge anyone else for what they do. I'm not sure why you've changed your name?

There's absolutely no way I could have carried on working whilst my child went through a major operation and recovery (coupled with her severe disability) it would have been impossible for us. It's made me realise more, though I realised before, how easy it is to become unable to work through circumstance too.

Sahm and wohm aren't a desperate species. We need to, as women and mothers, be more supportive of one another's choices and/or circumstances.

Nolim · 04/03/2015 13:02

Do working mums think I am instilling a lack of work ethic in my children by staying at home?

Er… no, staying at home does not show lack of work ethic. Being ethic means being honest and fulfill your commitments, you can do that from home.

TSSDNCOP · 04/03/2015 13:03

As with all things, make the choice that's right for your family. Just don't expect anyone else to actually care.

Showy · 04/03/2015 13:04

I'm a SAHM through choice and it is undoubtedly the absolute best thing for my family.

I don't think there's anything fundamentally wrong with stating that, no. Your value judgements on other threads wrapped up inside that statement are the problem.

OttiliaVonBCup · 04/03/2015 13:04

If you want to say it loud and proud then WTF did you namechange?

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 13:05

Owllady - I haven't changed my name for this thread. I think I've had this username for about a year now.

OP posts:
OneFootIn1999 · 04/03/2015 13:05

Yes, well done you, you win at parenting.

ffs

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 13:05

See, I've seen the full range and massive arguments with judgements flying all over the place in and from all directions. So over, what, 10 years of pissing my life away on mumsnet Grin I reckon I've read just about every view it's possible to have on the subject.

And read every insult it's possible to throw too. Grin

My opinion is exactly the same now as it was a decade ago. Everyone should make the choices that are the best fit for their family and their circumstances and people need to stop acting like a different choice is a criticism of their choice.

Take pride in whatever you like. That's entirely up to you. Nobody can take that away from you. But if you're saying that wohm's don't struggle with wanting to take pride in what they do, you're wrong. Some awful things have been said to women who dare to admit they love their job etc. Most common being why have children blah blah blah. The problem appears to be that a woman's place is in the wrong.

I think it would just be nice if everyone stopped having a pop at each other. We're all just trying to do the best we can.

alteredbeast · 04/03/2015 13:06

There seems to be no thought for variability in these narrow black and white arguments.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 04/03/2015 13:06

YABU
Can't stand all this competitive shite. Maybe better for your kids that you're a sahm. For other families other situations it's better for the mother or both parents to work.
Children and parents and situations are all different. You do what works for you, other people do what works for them and don't be so smug and boring and think you're superior for doing something one way.
Same goes for breast v bottle, purées v baby led weaning, co sleeping and everything else.

Honeydragon · 04/03/2015 13:07

My dc are certainly benefiting from my SAHP status. They are at school, I'm drinking coffee and eating Creme eggs.

But I'm going to smug about it now, on account that if I was back at work they'd be still be at school but not benefiting, from having a devoted SAHP.

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2015 13:07

I wouldn't criticise anyone else for their choices but I do think that being a sahm is undervalued. Bringing up children is am important job and if you can do it financially and want to do it then your choice should be respected and you shouldn't feel you have to explain or justify it to anyone.
I was a sahm for about 6 years and I was slightly concerned that having given up a good career I would be seen as " lazy" but DH is German and over there spending all your time on the children and house is seen as a valid choice rather than a cop out.
I enjoyed my time as a sahm and have no regrets at all and I do think it was the best thing for us as a family and my DC benefitted from it.
I now have a successful business so am still a good role model for my children.

SauvignonBlanche · 04/03/2015 13:08

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring
Like this one? Hmm
YABU

morethanpotatoprints · 04/03/2015 13:08

I agree with you, it is better for me to stay at home too, until september anyway.
I have had 23 years as sahm and it has been the best for our family.

I know there are plenty of other families that wouldn't find this at all and for them it is better for both parents/ single parent to work.

What suits one family doesn't necessarily suit another.
Problems only arise when people argue they are better than others who choose a different lifestyle to them.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 13:09

Fenella - "But if you're saying that wohm's don't struggle with wanting to take pride in what they do, you're wrong. Some awful things have been said to women who dare to admit they love their job etc."

That's a really interesting perspective. I don't see that so much on here (I really don't, I don't think I'm being blind to it) although I did encounter people who said that a few times when I was working.

Onefoot - FFS the point is, not that I think I'm better, but that I should be allowed to be proud of what I do and vocal about it without meeting reactions like yours.

OP posts:
slippermaiden · 04/03/2015 13:09

I work one night shift a week, and people always ask when will I increase my hours. The answer is probably never because it would impact on family life too much. I have time to do stuff u need to do and stuff I want to do. Tax man doesn't get so much off me either! ??

OttiliaVonBCup · 04/03/2015 13:09

Oh sorry, I see you haven't namechanged.

I would disagree with you though.
I think it's whatever works for you - some mothers happily stay at home, others don't like it.

Whatever works for the family.
It's really not a perfect parenting competition.

thatsucks · 04/03/2015 13:09

OP you should be quiet and ashamed - not loud and proud.

It is a DISGRACE to be a SAHM. You are a lazy, good-for-nothing drain on society who is not instilling a work ethic in your children.

Is that more the response you wanted for your gratuitous and goady OP?

I thought I'd help you out as responses have been rather reasonable and sensible so far Sad

Showy · 04/03/2015 13:09

Fenella, I don't want to harp on about the good ol' MN days (they don't exist except in my rose-tinted memories) but it's a bit of a poor show that MN was set up in order for women to support, share and enjoy each other and instead we seem to spend an inordinate amount of time seeing how quickly we can systematically undermine, criticise and deride each other's lives and choices.

Ten years here too and my opinion hasn't changes, pretty much matches yours but is rather buried under an avalanche of goady, AIBU bullshit.

Penguinsaresmall · 04/03/2015 13:09

YABU. Be proud of what you like, but why knock other (working) women in the process?

Genuinely interested to know though - why is it good for my DC for me to be sitting at home while they're at school? I genuinely don't think they give a monkeys where I am between 9 and 3 each day.

And as others have said, I would struggle slightly with trying to motivate DD to do well at school and have high aspirations if my only aspirations had been to pair my husband's socks.