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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
BeyondDoesBootcamp · 04/03/2015 14:04

Me and DH are both SAHP. We win. Wink

Blazing88 · 04/03/2015 14:04

I'm probably not critical of working mothers so much. I do actually work! I just work around my kids. Grin I made the decision not to miss their entire childhood. This way I get to go to every sport's day, every nativity play etc etc.

After all, i decided to have them in the first place! Grin (so did so knowing that my brain may fry from lack of activity and that my nice holidays/nice clothes would probably have to come to an end)

Hmm. Yep. Not critical, more just a hoiking up of my judgy pants!

leedy · 04/03/2015 14:04

"What's the point of having kids if you never actually see them?!"

"All so the parents can continue with their swanky holidays and posh cars by working full time."

Is there a bingo card somewhere I can tick this off on? Along with "they're being raised by somebody else" and "have you read Oliver James about the dangerously high cortisol levels of children in brutal heartless baby farms for wealth-obsessed bitches, er, I mean, nursery"?

leedy · 04/03/2015 14:04

Argh, weird double post.

Babycham1979 · 04/03/2015 14:06

Penguinsaresmall, where I don't agree is that I think you're overlooking the fact that while the working husband 'doesn't have time to think about menial things like his home.... And he doesn't have to with the little woman at home there for him', equally, DW doesn't have to deal with the stress, monotony, weight of expectation etc of being a wage-slave and bread-winner.

While I'm uncomfortable with the message that 'traditional' gender roles send to our children, it should be acknowledged and accepted by feminists that this is down to personal preference, that such arrangements can be beneficial for both partners, and that the key issue is CHOICE for both partners.

assessment · 04/03/2015 14:06

I don't really care what you do for your children in your family because I neither know you nor have to live with you.

I don't expect you to have any opinion whatsoever on whether I think the best thing for my children is to stay at home or to work, because you are not a member of my family and not affected by my decision.

So I don't care what you do and I don't expect you to care what I do.

Can we all go home now?

BohemianRaptor · 04/03/2015 14:07

The sooner everyone stops being 'loud and proud' about their choice and just gets on with it the better

^This with bells on.

countessmarkyabitch · 04/03/2015 14:07

I think you're forgetting one salient point : nobody but you actually gives a flying fuck if you sah or woh. Really, you're just not at all of interest to anyone.
HTH.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 14:07

Childrearing isn't an activity?????

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/03/2015 14:08

Is there a bingo card somewhere I can tick this off on? Along with "they're being raised by somebody else"

Along with shit like "I want to give my children an example of a good work ethic" that is spouted by working parents.

leedy · 04/03/2015 14:08

"The sooner everyone stops being 'loud and proud' about their choice and just gets on with it the better"

Yup.

Lweji · 04/03/2015 14:10

Can we all go home now?

I guess not.
The OP is rearing for a fight and won't leave without one.

ChipDip · 04/03/2015 14:11

Honestly op you sound very insecure to be proud about it to strangers. Why not tell the actual people who make you feel insufficient. Not sure anybody is too bothered about how your family works out.

SoupDragon · 04/03/2015 14:12

The OP is rearing for a fight and won't leave without one.

She's already at home, remember :o

LadyCybilCrawley · 04/03/2015 14:12

Folks all spectacularly missing the point intent on smugly making another female feel bad

Most women don't have a choice

Most woman have to stay at home or have to work due to circumstances beyond their control

If you are one of the lucky ones that can make a choice, congrats

But for goodness sake, lay off the critisism

For a mother who has to work to feed her children or pay the rent, it does frigging nothing to her self esteem to say she's missing their childhood (and btw, she's not)

Similarly for a mother who has to stay at home, it does nothing for her self esteem to say she's lazy (and btw she's not)

How awful this thread is - what a spectacular example of the bitchiness of women

lertgush · 04/03/2015 14:14

Is it just me who can't bear reading these sorts of comments on MN? What about equality? What about feminism? What about teaching our daughters to expect to be an equal partner in a relationship

And I can't bear narrow-minded views of feminism like yours.

What makes you think we aren't equal partners in our relationship?

ispyfispi · 04/03/2015 14:15

I am proud to be a sahm by choice. My dh can financially support his family. We have 3 dcs and we considered whether we could afford them before having them. Imo babies need their mothers, that's why we're the ones with breasts. Absolutely I understand others may not be as fortunate and clearly working to keep a roof over their children's heads/food on their plates is in the child's best interest. However I find it difficult to hear mothers say (as read in this thread) they would rather get out of the house than listen to crying 8 hours a day or that their kids are bored at home, I think they must be getting this parenting business very wrong! Fwiw I'm rather well educated and have plenty of interests other than my children, I just agree with OP that mothering children is a totally valid choice.

FirstOfficerDouglasRichardson · 04/03/2015 14:16

I should be allowed to be proud of what I do.

I'm not sure you 'do' anything more than any other parent be they a SAHP or Working parent. We are all parenting and child rearing aren't we?!

In the sense of being loud and proud... Knock yourself out. Be as loud and as proud as you like. But... It's all very, very boring. I bet o

FirstOfficerDouglasRichardson · 04/03/2015 14:16

Bugger posted too soon.

Babycham1979 · 04/03/2015 14:16

LadyCybil, most (decent) men don't have a choice, either. Obviously, the dickheads have the choice to disappear and not support their progeny, but women do too (and the odd one does so).

The societal illness isn't about men vs. women, it's about capital vs. labour. Until we are ALL liberated to make informed choices about how we want to live our lives productively and healthily, this kind of finger-pointing nonsense will continue.

Stinkersmum · 04/03/2015 14:17

Along with shit like "I want to give my children an example of a good work ethic" that is spouted by working parents.

This annoys me intensely. I plan to be a SAHM until my not yet born child is of primary school age. And I can afford to do this BECAUSE of my DHs and my 'good work ethic' ie we both worked bloody hard for years already (DH is 46, I'm 40 in May) and waited until we could afford to have children.

lem73 · 04/03/2015 14:19

Being a SAHM definitely works for us as a family at the moment. Every family is different and everyone has different priorities and I accept that. However my dc3 has quite a lot of 'career' mums in her class and they're never shy to make little digs about me being an SAHM but are quick enough to ask for favours like school pick ups or even emergency child care. It does make me cross sometimes.

JanineStHubbins · 04/03/2015 14:19

However I find it difficult to hear mothers say (as read in this thread) they would rather get out of the house than listen to crying 8 hours a day or that their kids are bored at home, I think they must be getting this parenting business very wrong!

Judgy much?

itsbetterthanabox · 04/03/2015 14:19

Ispyfisbi you say babies need their mothers because we have boobs. Does that mean women who can't breastfeed are unnecessary to their babies?
Also that's why we have maternity leave for up to a year whilst the child is a baby. After that they are a toddler. Can women only look after toddlers too?

MannUp · 04/03/2015 14:20

Maybe if you worked you'd have less time to make bullshit threads like this?