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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
MrsTawdry · 04/03/2015 12:51

Soup is right. What fits one family won't fit another. My friend works full time and so does her DH. Her children are very happy and well adjusted. They're confident and secure. I work from home part time and DH works out of the house full time. My kids are also very happy and secure.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:52

Why is it a superior attitude to be proud of what I'm doing? I'm not saying your choice or situation is a bad one, just saying that that my choice is a good one and one that I am proud of.

OP posts:
Nolim · 04/03/2015 12:52

I dont think that sahms are lazy. On the contrary, it is very hard work.

That is one of the many reasons i am a wohm Grin

petalunicorn · 04/03/2015 12:53

What age kids are you talking OP?

I think age 3 and under I'd agree with you. After that I'm not so sure, I think a lot of children get more from a role model that mothers as well as doing something else and the extra income into the household.

After school age I think a SAHM can be a bad thing, I've seen a lot of SAHM that are overinvested in their kid's lives, micro managing friendships, leaping into issues at school when the kid would benefit from a bit of space to learn to deal with something themselves, doing everything for their child so the child doesn't learn life skills, there's also consequences for relationships with some SAHM being overreliant on their partner.

As in all things a middle ground is probably best - both parents slightly part time e.g. 4 days or one parent full time the other full time. Different arrangments are always going to suit different personalities/lifestyles.

NerrSnerr · 04/03/2015 12:53

That's good for you but why the need to shout about it?

It's better for our family that I work as we would have very little money if I didn't.

thatsucks · 04/03/2015 12:53

a) You just want to start a bun fight - well done you will have done so
b) I support any woman's choice to work or stay at home, it's what's best for individuals and their families
c) HOWEVER all SAHMs should be careful about finding themselves unable to get back into their careers if they take years off and should think about how to protect themselves financially if things change e.g. husband loses job, illness, divorce. Just think carefully and be realistic. So don't get too complacent OP will you?
d) Biscuit

FenellaFellorick · 04/03/2015 12:53

If it's fair game, why does the subject always turn into a massive bunfight? Surely all the arguing about it means it is not fair game. People don't get into massive rows about things that it's ok to have a crack at.

Millionprammiles · 04/03/2015 12:53

It isn't if you end up in poverty.

WipsGlitter · 04/03/2015 12:53

Why do you think it is good for children to have a parent that doesn't work? It's ok to shout from the rooftops but give me some concrete reasons...

SolomanDaisy · 04/03/2015 12:54

That's the point RJnomore. She doesn't need to explain or justify her decision to be a SAHM, she (and presumably her DH) have decided that it is best for their family.

MaidOfStars · 04/03/2015 12:54

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work
How do you know?

ChipDip · 04/03/2015 12:54

The only way I can instill work ethic,studying and having a career is if I'm doing it myself and be an example to my children. If your situation works for your family then you should be happy with that.

Miggsie · 04/03/2015 12:54

How do you know it isn't better for your kids if your husband had stayed at home?

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2015 12:55

The ideal situation is to have two part-time parents with plenty of money to spend on time as a family learning skills and enjoying time together. With an active extended family and community.

They would ideally live in a multi cultural, crime less town with excellent educational and learning opportunities with free and accessible activities. There would of course be plenty of good jobs in this town where the purpose of the business was to promote a healthy work/life balance.

Yep, it's a dream Hmm

everything about modern life is a compromise. About 3 people have the above.

We all just make the best compromise we can.

thoth · 04/03/2015 12:55

What is it about being a SAHM is better for your children?
My children are far, far better off with a working mother so that is what I do.

MTWTFSS · 04/03/2015 12:55

Why do women have to argue with and judge each other?!? Where is the love and support?!? Just get on with your own lives!!!

MaidOfStars · 04/03/2015 12:56

Sorry, lots of cross-posts.

Nolim · 04/03/2015 12:56

I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

In my experience irl it is the wohms the ones who feel they have to explain why someone else is going to look after their dc.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/03/2015 12:57

YANBU to make whatever choices are best for your family.

Personally, I think it's better for my DCs that I work & they get to keep the roof over their heads.

It would be nice if people could respect others choices, even if they don't necessarily agree with them.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:57

FenellaFellorick - that's a really interesting question. The threads I've been reading lately have a couple of voices tentatively suggesting that it might be ok to be a SAHM if the circumstances necessitate it, but not beyond preschool age. Then lots of loud voices pointing out why SAHMs are in the wrong.

My issue is about whether I am unreasonable to want to take pride in what I do (without being told off for my superior attitude). That's not something I see WOHM's wrestling with in the same way.

OP posts:
UndecidedNow · 04/03/2015 12:58

YANBU to be proud of what you are doing and to think it's better for you and your family.
YABVU if you think that it's the only option.
YABU if you think all the comments you mentioned in your OP aren't questions that a SAHP need to ask himself or herself before deciding to go down that route. I personally would add a few more such as what is going to happen if your do is suddenly I'll and can't work or God forbif if he suddenly dies?

However, there is never any need to be judgemental of anyone else choices when discussing these subjects. Maybe this is a left over from a few years ago when everyone was saying that being a SAHM was 'the' right thing to do and WOHM were receiving a bashing and had to explain themselves all the time.

Madeyemoodysmum · 04/03/2015 12:58

I'm a part time self employed about work from home. This is a fantastic balance for us as I'm there to do clubs and achool runs etc. I also find time to see other friends that work part time in the week which gives me social interaction.

However if I had no friends in that situation I think if seriously want to work with others as I'd get very lonely.

Only so much housework shopping you can do.

My situation works right now but I may be open to change in the future.
I'm glad you have found something that works for you op and you should be proud.

But every parent should be proud if they are doing what's best and right for them.

I do feel though that due to high house prices choice will be and is a thing of the last for to many families. I find that very sad.

Whiteandbrownrabbit · 04/03/2015 12:58

of course it better to have a loving parent around, BUT only if that parent wants to and is able

it's not really a choice for 99.9

its a good role model for children to sah aswell as to work

WhereIsMyFurryHat · 04/03/2015 12:58

Do working mums think I am instilling a lack of work ethic in my children by staying at home?

Not a goady question, I am just interested and worried I am raising down and out children by not working.

NancyRaygun · 04/03/2015 12:59

I agree with petalunicorn completely.

I think small children benefit from being with their parents the vast vast majority of the time.

Also, I think that it is a dangerous argument to say that by working you are 'setting a good example' as a: that is an extremely adult perspective the child is unlikely to be able to grasp and b: it implies staying at home is setting a bad example.