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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

999 replies

yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 12:39

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

OP posts:
HamishBamish · 04/03/2015 13:10

Of course you should feel good about the fact you are doing what you consider best for your family. I don't see why you have to make other people aware of that though. If you are genuinely at peace and happy with your choices, you shouldn't feel the need to be 'loud and proud' to others about it.

miniavenger · 04/03/2015 13:10

I really don't think an us against them attitude helps but that's what seems to always happen and what this thread itself is propergating.

YANBU to be proud and secure in what's best for your family
YWBU to generalise and say it's better for children in general
YANBU to be annoyed if generalising about your choices from other people pisses you off

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work

Because most SAHP are doing what's best for their family and know what's best for them isn't best for another.

OneFootIn1999 · 04/03/2015 13:10

HoppingGreen, working parents are bringing up children too!

itsbetterthanabox · 04/03/2015 13:11

Being a sahp is not a choice everyone has. A lot of people HAVE to work.
And why is you being at home best for the children op why not their father?

Owllady · 04/03/2015 13:11

I apologise 're the name change, I just read your name and thought you had.....

You honestly can't win on this subject. I know I've posted on threads regarding being a carer and how difficult it's been to work and was told to get a Croatian nurse once! So erm...

I think women need to be more understanding of one another, I think the VAST MAJORITY are. I think like most subjects the internet worms out those at extreme ends of the argument. I like to call them the shitheads :)

NancyRaygun · 04/03/2015 13:12

The problem appears to be that a woman's place is in the wrong

Hear fucking hear! I bet men don't have this handwringing and justification. They don't take a pop at each other too so I would like to apologise if my earlier post sounded judgemental, it's all just personal opinion right? So unless God himself exists and is a member of Mumsnet (of course He would be) and would like to end this argument once and for all?? then lets all do our best.

Discopanda · 04/03/2015 13:12

glenthebattleostrich I work from home too, us WAHM should all start our own little gang. I think mums should be proud of whatever they do to benefit their family.

OttiliaVonBCup · 04/03/2015 13:13

Oh hang on.

Are you trying to lure SM back to MN?

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 13:14

I'm serious about this. The dominant voices in society are going to be people who are in employment. So there is always going to be a bias in the media and the health profession, for example, to the view that mothers should work. You'd think that internet forums would be somewhere where both sets of voices could be heard. But I don't feel like it is.

Yes, I realise that this thread comes across as goadie. But I'm really genuinely interested in the idea of expressing pride in what I do.

OP posts:
Taz1212 · 04/03/2015 13:15

I used to work. Now I'm a SAHM. It's better for us purely because DC have a ridiculously busy schedule and there's no way we'd be able to run around getting them here there and everywhere. I think I'm a bit unusual in that I found it better to be working when they were very small and it's now that they are older (9 & 12 right now) that they need me about more.

I don't think it's something to be loud and proud about, though- it's just the decision we made.

ourglass · 04/03/2015 13:16

Oh shut up for gods sake.

lertgush · 04/03/2015 13:17

It really depends on your family's situation. I have three kids in school and I'm a SAHM.

I worked until recently. It was hard for all of us. DH travels constantly for work, and I really struggled to stay on top of everything. The children were being looked after by a series of nannies each of whom left after 6-12 months. My summer childcare fell through two summers in a row, and I just about had a breakdown each time. My blood pressure was through the roof and the doctor was about to put me on medication for it.

Life is a lot easier for us all since I quit work, and my blood pressure is back to normal. DH is much happier because he can focus on his very stressful job without worrying about what's happening at home.

Funnily enough, if anything the children are the least affected by it.

lertgush · 04/03/2015 13:18

Cross-posted with Taz - mine are the same age as yours and I agree, it was easier to work when they were younger :-)

HamishBamish · 04/03/2015 13:18

But I'm really genuinely interested in the idea of expressing pride in what I do.

You can be proud about something without having to seek approval from others. What is it you want? For everyone to give you a big pat on the back and say you must be the best mother EVER because you are a SAHM?

Owllady · 04/03/2015 13:19

I think it's much easier to work when they are younger too.

YosemiteSim · 04/03/2015 13:20

Nothing is perfect. You take from one area of your life to give to another, whatever you do. Also, things change, and whats good for your family or for your kids or even just for you NOW might not work so well in future. Thats my experience, anyway.

I'm not working currently and its definitely benefitting my children right now. DD has just started school and its nice that I can drop and pick up and just generally be around to settle her into her new routine. DS has autism and is going through a very unsettled time at school right now. Again, great that I'm around to provide support and comfort.

However, I don't intend to stay at home forever. It might very well be lovely for my children to have Mum at home forever, but I have needs too, as does the wider family. Also pays to think ahead and factor in how you are going to fund your children's lives in the future and how you want your life to be when they no longer need Mummy all day every day.

My experience as a child really affected me. My mum went back to work when we had all started school, retrained actually, and then built her career from there, right up to senior management level. What was important was that SOMEONE was around to take are of us. We had a mixyre of after school clubs and my gran (dad wasn't around) and my mum after she had finished work at about 5.30/6pm. Never, ever felt we were missing out - she was and is a wonderful mum - but we also grew up with an inspirational go-getter for a mother, someone who showed us that achieving and earning well and living a full life is possible for women with children (even single mums). I want to be that mother, too.

Babycham1979 · 04/03/2015 13:21

I suppose the logical extension of the argument is that it's even better for children to have two non-working parents who are both at home to spend all day with them.

From an emotional perspective, this is quite probably true; not sure it sets a particularly good example though. Gender role-models probably work in the same way,=.

Owllady · 04/03/2015 13:21

For me, I'm not suggesting anyone else does anything :)

YosemiteSim · 04/03/2015 13:23

Also just to add - I think children are almost always the least affected by these choices we make (or situations we find ourself in not through choice). kids are adaptable, and a loved child is going to cope perfectly well with two working parents and childcare, just as they will also thrive with a parent at home full-time.

Its parents - and lets face it, often women - who really benefit or suffer. I was frazzled working full-time, and quite like being at home, but it would be unfair on everyone if I just stayed at home because I can't be arsed to work (not saying other SAHMs are as lazy as me Grin).

FarelyKnuts · 04/03/2015 13:24

I think you will find the dominant voices are actually going to be men. Not people who are in employment as such.
Not a single poster has bashed your choice as far as I can see.
To have pride in something that works for your family... fine. To say being a SAHM is something to be proud of (and therefor implying the opposite of a WOHM is not) not fine. See the difference?

Taz1212 · 04/03/2015 13:25

I think lertgush might be my twin! Hmm I too developed high blood pressure. I was signed off for a couple of weeks and I left work a couple of months after that (took VR). My blood pressure is now way back down and I'm no longer stressed! DH used to travel a lot with work- at the time he could be off to India for weeks at a time and it was hellish trying to sort everything. It's definitely been the best decision for us.

Original poster
yetanotherchangename · 04/03/2015 13:26

I don't believe that being proud of my choice necessarily means that others shouldn't be proud of their choices.

OP posts:
Penguinsaresmall · 04/03/2015 13:26

DH is much happier because he can focus on his very stressful job without worrying about what's happening at home.

Is it just me who can't bear reading these sorts of comments on MN? What about equality? What about feminism? What about teaching our daughters to expect to be an equal partner in a relationship.

Taz1212 · 04/03/2015 13:28

That was supposed to be a grin not a hmm. Blush

dreamingbohemian · 04/03/2015 13:28

I think it's great to be proud of whatever you're doing so in that sense YANBU

But to explore your question -- I think the reason working mums wouldn't necessarily get why you should feel SO proud about it is that they are doing most of the same things you're doing, just not full-time. We are still there for our kids in the mornings, evenings and weekends, we still organize everything in the house and shop and cook and do activities, etc. We just don't do them all day, but then again if your kids are older they're in school during the day anyway.

So while I have a lot of respect for SAHMs I don't know necessarily what you're doing that is so superior to what I'm doing, you're just doing more of it (and I know it can be a slog, hence my respect).

I hope that doesn't sound dismissive, I'm just trying to be honest.

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