To say loud and proud that it's better for my kids that I don't work

[yetanotherchangename]

There have been lots of threads about WOHM/SAHM at the moment, which frankly are beyond boring. HOWEVER on all of them I've seen SAHMs attacked (either for being naive, vacuous, lazy, money grabbing, downtrodden) etc., and I've seen a lot of SAHM explain why being at home is the only option for their family.

I've rarely if ever seen a SAHM openly say that it is a good thing for kids if they have a parent who doesn't work. I think we are too afraid of offending mothers who do work. Am I unreasonable to claim back some pride in what I am doing?

I think it's very hard to know whether something is better or not when you are embroiled in the middle of it.

My own mother thought that being a SAHM was the best thing for our family.

With the benefit of hindsight, both me and my 2 siblings agree that it wasn't. (though interestingly my mother still thinks it was).

It works for us me being a SAHM because I have no family to help out with childcare. Amongst my group of friends, the working mums all rely on family members to step in and cover when they can't be there.
I wouldn't mind a nice job which paid well, allowed me to work within school hours, term-time only but, funnily enough, they are a bit hard to come by! We do not claim any benefits - luckily my DH earns enough to allow me not to work, though we certainly have to watch our spending. As for being a good role model - I have a degree and had a good career before becoming a mum and my kids know the importance of getting a good education etc.

I am a SAHM and have been for 16 years.

I believe it was the best thing for our family.

I don't often post on these kind of threads as they usually spiral out of control.

I think I must have been born in the wrong generation. I have loved every single minute of it. I have never been bored. I feel fulfilled. I enjoy it and I enjoy our family lifestyle. I have no desire to "better" myself etc etc. I am busy and content.

However, I am often left questioning myself due to pressure in society. People look agahast that with teenage kid that I am SAHM. I feel pressured to want a career - except I don't. I am busy enough with my life and happy with the way things are.

I suppose these days I am still a SAHM but I am also a" housewife".

Some (not all) feel they have the right to judge my lifestyle. I have been accused of being gloaty - because I am happy with my lifestyle choice. I have been told I am stupid and nieve. I am not looking for a pat on the the back or anything else. Just saying that there are "older" SAHM/housewives out there too.

I know I am in the minority. I get quite fed up of having to "defend" my lifestyle. I am told by society I am supposed to want more from my life, but I genuinely dont.

Honestly op who cares???

i worked full time with dd1 and was able to do that with fantastic support of my family.

Now 15 years on, I'm a SAHM to dd2. We have no family support and I cant afford to work. I'm really fucking good at my job too. We can't claim any benefits as dp wage is just over the thresh hold. So for now I have to wait.

Also I take my hat to working mothers, with no support, no partners and after a full day at work come home and start cleaning & cooking. Their life's are much harder than mine.

Not everybody has the luxury to work OR stay at home. Everybodies life is different.

Instead of being judgemental and trying to cause a bun fight why don't you put your SAHM amazingness to good use and go and put some washing on or bake a cake or prepare a wonderful fresh healthy meal for tonight?

Penguin- what about teaching all our children that equality and balance can be achieved in different ways? That childrearing is worthy of respect (whether the father or mother takes on the lion's share)?

Penguins no it's not just you

redsky

Can I ask why you thought that?

I find it very interesting...

Joyful - I care because I perceive a culture which doesn't respect childrearing as an activity. Where you can't be a feminist and a sahm. Where you can't express pride in your choice without being told you are making other people feel bad.

OP I agree we need to teach our kids to respect child-rearing and taking care of the home, I just don't think you need one parent at home full-time in order to do that. Working parents are raising their kids too.

yetanother you're missing my point.

I agree that childrearing is worthy of equal respect - but saying DH is much happier because he can focus on his very stressful job without worrying about what's happening at home suggests to me that the big important breadwinning man is out there doing the serious work, and doesn't have time to think about menial things like his home.... And he doesn't have to with the little woman at home there for him.

Loud and proud
Who fucking cares what you do. Why are you posting this? It won't change anything re: the usual arguments so for that YABU

Isn't it great that there are lots of successful ways to raise kids, and to balance work and time spent with our children. It's fantastic that we have choices and we're resourceful creatures who can make many different approaches successful, to suit our needs and desires as they arise. We are lucky to live in a society where there are so many opportunites. I'm so happy there isn't a single right or best way to do it.

"it's fair game to put down SAH on here but not the other way round"

decent reasonable people don't do either.

whoever a person decides to judge it clearly only serves to show what a knobhead they are.

Looks down at self

Feminist: check
SAHP: check

Where are all these threads that only slag off "sahm's" then? Most I've seen are pretty full on and all sides of the argument.

If anything you should appreciate you have a CHOICE in the matter. Many parents and children don't.

I am finding very interesting that, at least on MN, threads were always pro SAHM until the decision that mums couldn't stay at age and receive benefits if their dc was over 5yo. From that time, I have noticed a shift towards 'oh, really as a mum you ought to work when they are at school otherwise you are just lazy'.

Except that childcare hasn't really changed (it's still extremely expensive and hard to find).
Schools are still acting as if there is ALWAYS a parent at hand at home to pick the dcs up at whatever time, no notice of events etc etc.
women are pushed towards lower paid jobs or working part time only (due to said restrictions which makes it very hard to work full time).
And then we are having a go at mums who don't work because it's just too hard/expensive to do so .

And I said that as a working mum!!

Child rearing isnt an activity.

You choose to have children because you want them. Your not putting yourself out becaue your looking after your own kids!

I think the problem lies in that you have issues that your not respected, maybe in your home or by your own children. Maybe if you did something for yourself your self esteem would get better and you woundnt have to project on here.

And tbh OP, it is the case that childcare isn't appreciated as a work, let alone when you are a parent.

But I would hope that you aren't staying at home just to make that point! Because when I wanted to do that with DH, what I have done is to give him the responsibility rather than keeping it for myself. A few weeks having to be in charge of the dcs for a full day taught him how hard it was. And how much responsibility there is the 'job'.

YANBU to be proud of your life and choices.

YABU to suggest that working mothers have it easier in terms of judgment. I had 6 months maternity leave after each of my two children and was upfront with everyone about the fact that it was because I did not want my career to suffer (my husband could have supported me). I got massively judgey comments from friends, co-workers, healthcare professionals etc. I got the impression that staying at home with under 3s is the norm. Incidentally I could have supported my husband as SAHP as well, but funnily enough people didn't seem to think that he should have stayed at home.

"But I must add that it's fair game to put down SAH on here but not the other way round."

Well maybe I haven't been looking at all these threads recently but there was a time when WOHM were constantly critisised for being part-time mothers, for caring more about foreign holidays and nice clothes than being with their children, not planning their lives properly or they'd have been able to afford to stay at home. Blah, blah, blah.

The sooner everyone stops being 'loud and proud' about their choice and just gets on with it the better.

It works for us me being a SAHM because I have no family to help out with childcare.

Exactly this. I am currently working from home, because it gives me some flexibility. There is absolutely no way I could go back to work. I would probably be sacked within months for time off because of the kids being sick (at that annoying nursery stage where it's one after the other seemingly constantly)

I also think I will not go back full time until the kids are a lot older.

I personally can't think of anything worse for a child than to go to a childminder at 7.30..then onto school...long day...then onto an afterschool club..finally arriving home at about 6pm.

What's the point of having kids if you never actually see them?! Obviously, if you have some family help, that's slightly different as at least they are spending time with grandparents etc.

There's a couple of toddlers in my daughter's nursery class who have been there full time since they were 10months. At huge cost. All so the parents can continue with their swanky holidays and posh cars by working full time. I don't get it. A child that age would much rather spend time just with their mum.

And I might just mention that when I discovered I was pregnant for the second time my NDN commented that it was 'another child for someone else to bring up' and even my mother and MIL saying that 'of course it's better for children to have their mother at home' There is plenty of criticism of working mothers. Beleive me!

Penguinsaresmall, I couldn't agree more. However, the majority of voices on MN and similar media want anything but equality.

Ooh look! What was I just saying? Good timing blazing

I get what you are saying OP. I work full time and the guilt I feel over not helping with homework, attending after school classes, cooling well thought out balanced meals etc is immense. I DO often think my school aged dc would be better with a parent at home.
However, I do think it's good for them to see women work, we have a lovely house as a result of my career and when I am off work at weekends and holidays we make it count. So we will go to Paris or Rome or venice for a weekend or hop on a train to London to the theatre or the zoo. So my wage enables my kids to see things they wouldn't if I was a SAHM and we have really good quality time on my days off.
I also saw my mum give up her professional career to be a SAHM and then get royally shafted when my dad left her for her best friend. That will NEVER EVER happen to me. I secure on the knowledge I am financially independent.
So I guess there is no right answer!

"What's the point of having kids if you never actually see them?!"

"All so the parents can continue with their swanky holidays and posh cars by working full time."

Is there a bingo card somewhere I can tick this off on? Along with "they're being raised by somebody else" and "have you read Oliver James about the dangerously high cortisol levels of children in brutal heartless baby farms for wealth-obsessed bitches, er, I mean, nursery"?