To suspect SIL has said something awful to DD who is 6?

[Gooogle]

To give some background, I had a very long thread about my husband's family, in particular my mother in law, a few months ago. It was called Utterly Depressed about my MIL. Sorry I don't know how to post a link.

Briefly, huge back history of MIL (and to some extent, SIL), wanting to be Mum to my DD who is 6 yrs old.

I have limited all contact - no texts or calls. We have to visit them every couple of months if there is a family occasion. I keep it friendly and pretend. Try not to say much. When I do speak MIL ignores me in a lovely passive aggressive way. It's like a stupid act we all put on.

DH saw a counsellor. He now sees that his DM dislikes me. That's huge progress. I am much happier, as the balance has shifted and now MIL would not dare to overstep the mark with me. She may well still bitch about me (I am sure she does!). But I really don't care.

Now I'm worried about my SIL. She is in her 40's, desperate to meet someone and marry, have a DC. Career that didn't go well, still relies on her parents for financial support. As the years go by she gets more and more sad/bitter and naturally there is a little bit of resentment towards me as I have DH and DD.

We visited PIL at the weekend, SIL was there. SIL had also seen DD the previous week. SIL tells me while we were at PIL's house, that my DD had told her the previous week that she was lonely and often has no one to play with. Apparently DD said she felt sad all the time. In reality my DD has friends and cousins to play every other day and spends lots of lovely time with me too. DD talks to me when she has a problem, and she has never told me she is lonely.

On the way home from PIL this week end, DD had a huge, HUGE emotional outburst. She was crying and her world was ending. Everything seemed to be wrong, DD said she had a terrible and awful life, never had anyone to play with, had to help me with chores all the time (hardly! She has the chores of making her bed and tidying her toys once a week). Everything was awful, no one gives her any attention.

I have never heard DD speak like this before. Never seen her in such a state either.

While we were at PIL, my SIL had taken her upstairs to have a chat. She often does this and I dislike it because I worry about what she may be saying to her.

SIL is very emotionally immature and she would like to feel she is closer to my DD than I am.

I have concerns about what SIL said to my DD. DD's outburst on the way home may be completely unrelated to her secret chat with SIL but I am worried they are linked.

My thoughts are that SIL has somehow manipulated DD into thinking all the things that came spilling out when she was crying on the way home. Could that be it? Feel sick thinking about having to now manage my DD around another member of the family.

Op I totally sympathise and its horrendous. I can well imagine whats being said, leading questions and manipulating the child into feeling sorry for themselves.

its also hard to explain to your DD, i know I have tried with my own myself, you say one thing but they are too young to understand then you look like the bad guy x 2.

Some great advice above.

If DH refuses to see the problem, remind him that you told him his DM disliked you for x years, before he saw it and that you are not putting DD through years of emotional distress just because he can't see through some FOG combo....

It used to be my MIL that would whisk DD away for private chats and say things like, "your mummy doesn't let me see you enough and that makes me sad".How do you know this?

Thanks for all these replies, loads of useful advice. I am memorising some of it. I am going to have to act very quickly sometimes.

For example, SIL services just before lunch with huge bag of sweets and gives them to DD. Then leaves it to me to take them away and say she can't have them until after lunch. SIL was the good guy and I was the bad guy.

What I should have done is said "how daft of SIL not to remember you don't eat sweets BEFORE lunch, it's AFTER lunch!" ... Or something like that ?!

I am talking to DD alone after school today. I hope she is able to recall what made her feel so bad. Good point that she didn't internalise but had an outburst when she felt safe.

I will protect DD from them. It will be a lot for DH to bear. He will feel I am slowly removing all of his family from him/the children. Reality however is that SIL is Exactly like her own mother. Expertly adept at hiding her true feelings. Extremely insecure. Unhappy with her life yet unwilling to take responsibility for any of it. Ie: her career has not gone well because she hasn't been given a break by anyone. Not because she hasn't made the effort to get a good job. And she is perfectly happy to accept full financial support from her parents.

Beyond repair, my DD told me and felt very upset about it too. She was 4 years old.

In fact, SIL even asks me leading questions! They are good at this.

For example, "you must be so tired!" I agree. Then, she'll go on to insinuate I am unable to give DD what she needs because I am tired and busy - through no fault of my own you understand, but the end game is that she wants to arrive at the conclusion I am not a good enough mother to DD.

And she will do it in a way that it looks as though I actually said it myself and completely agree with her.

Then I can either be quiet about it, or protest - which makes me look either meek and overpowered, or defensive and guilty!

Huge game playing.

Sadly I think once the DCs get to 18+ they will try to contact them - I have warned my kids but its rare that people can understand how truly manipulative families like this are; I do worry.

this is my fear too ^ and I have learned that something about me, doesn't lend itself to being believed, but others I have encountered, specifically my DSIS and now my DMIL people feel really sorry for them. Some people are just able to garner sympathy.

And if I refuse to agree and admit I am tired, then I am 'difficult to talk to' !!!!

Wow your SIL sounds like mine! I don't let her have any alone time with DS because she is really bitter about him. She struggled to conceive naturally and went through a particularly difficult time around the time we announced we were expecting DS (we knew nothing about her issues at the time) and since then she has been awful towards me and resentful towards DS.

If you aren't comfortable letting her be alone with your DD then don't let it happen!

ghostly

MIL still has a negative effect on eldest behaviour. There, till this last year, used to be more tantrums during and after visits. DH agrees about effect but would never do anything.

Same here, behaviour would be vile to me! Vile, why, what on earth are they saying, are they stressing them out, what do you think?

In fact, SIL even asks me leading questions! They are good at this.

Google I too read and was on your other thread. Your in laws sound so much like mine, esp with the head fuck way of talking to you.

everything utterly everything has an ulterior motive.

For instance we think we are having an innocent chat about children flying alone when in actual fact they are sussing me out as to whether we would allow our child to fly alone to see them.

Re the SIL and your DD I am going to go against the grain here.

There was not a problem, re friends with your DD, your sil has made it into a problem and upset your DD.

I would take a light approach, ask if you want too....but be very light, dont go on about it, say much better to have lots of friends than one, very sorry she was upset and to always tell you if there is a problem. if you make it all into a big deal as well....it will become an even bigger deal.

agree with pp on stopping these chats and visits.

Why do you see them?

If your DH won't protect your DD then you must, I would rather see my marriage break down than my child manipulated and twisted by such vile people.

They sound incredibly toxic...as much as it will upset your husband, you need to put a stop to this. Every two months is still too often if she is going to try undermine and manipulate at every opportunity.

Private chats! Wtf? Would never occur to me to do this with my niece. Weird, weird, weird!

Beyond repair, my DD told me and felt very upset about it too. She was 4 years old.

Mine has said this too, and that granny upset etc.

I said " of course she is upset ALL GRANNIES want to see their GC all the time, but that isnt possible, I saw mine less in my whole life than you have already seen yours and your only 8"

BE difficult to talk to!

Tell SIL that you are bored with her little attempts to undermine you and she needs to get a life and leave yours alone.

I agree fully too with SylvaniansAtEase appropriate chat. tell the truth, but in a way the child can process it

The problem is hissy ops DD already has a fixed idea about her aunt and possibly her GP, how on earth can op over ride this when the child who has an established sense of who they are, thinks they are cool and great and just likes them?

Can you do the big smile and 'Oh no, I'm FINE!' response to questions like that op? Or 'What do you mean, SIL?' and look confused. Or even just smile and talk about something else.

I do sympathise as people like this are immensely frustrating.

Can you expand on how saying, "You must be tired" turns into you not having enough time for DD? It's just, as a random onlooker, this thread seems a little paranoid at times. Why would you even worry that telling your DD she can eat the sweets after dinner makes you the bad guy? She lives with you and, at 6, knows the score.

Turn the questions around on them instead of answering

you must be so tired!

Why do you say that?

Answer questions with questions and redirect it to them.

I would stop the contact for dd and your in laws, they are toxic, and are being toxic towards you and your dd. They are making dd doubt herself, and are creating psychological issues. The fact that your dh is having counselling as a result of it, and is now finding out that your MIL dislikes you is quite telling, and is realising through counselling the situation that it really is. Yes stop this now, or this could be your dd in 20 years time.

Sethrogan. I wasn't worried this time I looked like the bad guy. DD accepted my decision to have sweets after lunch immediately and didn't question. It is just a recurring theme, this has been going on for years.

It's a trick MIL and SIKL roll out on a regular basis. Buy something inappropriate (make up for example), give it straight to DD in front of a group of people. Wait for me to take it away for citing whatever reason it is inappropriate. I have clearly stated on 20 or so occasions no make up. At least 100 times with the sweets!

can you bribe dd, you know naughty granny or sil will offer you sweets well if your a good girl and say no, you can have x? or is that bad

Eh?

They are buying and giving her makeup? Isn't your DD only six?

Blimey, that's a bit weird. Surely your DH can pick up on that.

I too find the make up and jewellery weird tbh.
i don't have any problems with ils thank goodness, but if they or any other member of family were to give dd make up at that age, I'd have gone ballistic as it is something i don't agree with.

OP, put your foot down, stop contact with these toxic people. Your dc won't miss out at all, sad but true but many children have to do without an extended family or part of it and they are fine.

I think it is such a shame they are like this but they will damage your children and they are worth more than this.