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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he regarding breast feeding?

307 replies

Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 16:29

I am currently pregnant, it's my 3rd child and Dp's first. We can not agree on anything to do with raising the baby. I am aware we should have thought about all this before deciding whether to have a baby or not.

The biggest thing is breast feeding. I think I should try to breast feed. My reasons are

It's free
It's much better for the baby
It's more convenient, no making up bottles in the middle of the night etc

Dp wants me to bottle feed, his reasons are

He finds breast feeding disgusting
He thinks science beats nature so formula will be made much better than breast milk

So who is being unreasonable? Dp says he is happy to get up in the night and make up bottles.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 01/03/2015 17:51

As I was reading the thread, it occurred to me to ask what his notions of childbirth were. He doesn't want to see that.

Lucky for him to have the choice, isn't it?

The thing is, if you decide to stay with this weirdo, he'll have to become accustomed to human beings producing unexpected substances. That's part of bring a parent, you have to leave squeamishness at the door. There's no scientific remedy to getting weed, pooed and vomited on. You can't decide to absent yourself either.

He's not ready to be a father. He's not ready to put his baby ahead of himself and so you really have to decide to be in control of this situation.

If I were in your position (I'm pregnant but married to a grown up), I'd be fairly determined about a few points:

  1. You need a birth partner. If he's not going to be there you'll find someone who is but he needs to know that a last minute change of mind will not be entertained;
  2. You will breast feed and if he doesn't want to see it, he can go somewhere else but you will not accommodate his stupidity and childishness;
  3. If he can't agree to putting the baby first, best he leaves now.
Charlotte3333 · 01/03/2015 17:52

Awful as it sounds this baby is yours when it comes to decisions like this. I know, I know, a man should get a say in how his baby is cared for and all that but if you decide you want to bf then you bloody well ought to, regardless of what he thinks. Your baby, your choice.

Topseyt · 01/03/2015 17:55

Well, he doesn't get to decide whether or not you breastfeed. That is totally your decision.

Is he scared / squeamish about the birth? I gave my husband the choice of whether or not to be at th births of each of our three. He can be squeamish and nervous in such situations. He chose to be there and surprised himself by being less bothered than he thought he would be. It was a relief to have support, but doing it alone wouldn't have bothered me too much. He would have sat out in the corridor and popped in and out.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 18:04

I don't think he's particularly squeamish. He does have funny ideas about germs and things though so I'm wondering if it's that.

He's good with my other children.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 01/03/2015 18:16

OP, I sense that you're not going to tackle this. I suggest giving in right now on this and everything else. Clearly the priority is maintaining a relationship with him at any cost, do why give yourself the hassle of arguing?

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 18:20

I am going to tackle this, I haven't given in nor do I intend to. I will be breast feeding whether he likes it or not.

OP posts:
guinnessguzzler · 01/03/2015 18:23

OP if you want to breast feed then go for it. I'm glad you'very done it before as it means you've more of an idea of what to expect. Saying that, I really do think you should speak to your midwife about the issue with your partner because if he is unsupportive you might benefit from more support from elsewhere eg a breastfeeding support worker or group. I remember how exhausted I was in the early months feeding every two hours round the clock and if my hubby had been standing there with the formula saying 'See I told you you shouldn't breastfeed' then I imagine it would have been much harder to continue. Support from those around you can be crucial so I say go for it and make sure you have the support you need set up.

ApocalypseThen · 01/03/2015 18:28

I am going to tackle this, I haven't given in nor do I intend to. I will be breast feeding whether he likes it or not.

But it's not just his attitude to breast feeding, though, is it? He's propriatorial attitude to your body, his assumption of his right to only do things he'd like to do - it seems to me that breast feeding is a symptom here and even if you do it (tough anyway, tougher with an actively hostile partner), it's going to be issue after issue till he gets who actually owns your body.

NeedABumChange · 01/03/2015 18:29

Obviously he is being hugely unreasonable about the breast feeding. But I don't think you should force him to be at the birth. It's not a nice thing to see.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 01/03/2015 18:34

I haven't given in nor do I intend to. I will be breast feeding whether he likes it or not.

Glad to hear that OP, you sound strong. I've got a feeling you'll need to be.

Original poster
Thereisnoplacelikehome · 01/03/2015 18:35

Is not a nice thing to see but it's not a nice thing to go through either. I know which I'd rather do.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 01/03/2015 18:39

If he thinks science would do a better job than your body, does he believe he or she would be better of born prem and cared for in an incubator until the due date? That would follow his logic.

mummytowillow · 01/03/2015 18:45

He's an idiot, and what's he going to do when you put your baby to your breast drag them away!

Tell him to get a grip and feed your baby how you want to.

MerryMarigold · 01/03/2015 19:04

It's a wonderful, amazing thing to see. Not that I'm a lentil-weaving, home- birthing queen. Not at all. But even watching One Born Every Minute is emotional, because birth is an incredible thing. Dh was adamant he wouldn't be at 'that end', which I didn't mind. But when it came to the final pushes, he was right there with all the blood and poo to see his son's arrival into the world (and cried, bless him!).

Andrewofgg · 01/03/2015 19:15

OP As a matter of curiosity - how was he fed, do you happen to know?

Oh yes, MerryMarigold, I remember my son's arrival in the world, 30 years ago, blood and mess (and DW's swearing!) and all, as if it was yesterday. A truly emotional experience. And oh, the first chance to hold him and talk to him Smile

I wonder if it is true that it is even tougher on the baby than it is on the mother . . . at any rate I think we can all be glad we can't remember it.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 01/03/2015 19:20

My DH had to deliver our second baby, and it was one of the best experiences of his life.

I cannot imagine a man not wanting to be at the birth of his child. Yes, it's challenging and intense, but God, what a thing to miss out on. And that's aside from the fact that he should absolutely be there for you.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 01/03/2015 19:31

Birth isn't 'nice'. It's intense, overwhelming, incredible, life-changing, frightening, awe-inspiring, amazing, profound - 'nice' is a puny, insipid word that doesn't come close. I know some couples decide against having the father there, I've read posts from women on here who preferred a different birth partner. I don't understand personally; there is no one I would rather have had there than DH and he wouldn't have missed it for the world. But I can see why it's a scary prospect and why a man might not like the idea completely, however, you would expect him to have the maturity and compassion to appreciate his partner might not relish the prospect either and that it's his job to support her in whatever way she needs him to.

I don't know if your partner is a controlling misogynist or an immature and ill-informed bloke with a stubborn and/or arrogant streak but we do live in a culture which views formula feeding as the norm and there is plenty of disgust and revulsion directed towards breastfeeding. At the same time, there is intense pressure to breastfeed so the whole topic of baby feeding can become highly charged and toxic very quickly. He doesn't have to be a woman-hater to have absorbed the view of breastfeeding as something disgusting that should be hidden away or of formula as the 'normal' and correct way to feed your baby. But he is an idiot if he won't listen to you about it. Are you planning on attending NCT or any other ante-natal classes and if so, will he go with you? He might start to understand more about birthand breastfeeding if he gets better informed and if he sees other fathers-to-be who are more supportive of their partners' choices!

Seriouslyffs · 01/03/2015 19:32

Only OP can answer this but does it really matter? Is he actually going to insist on any of these things or is he just spouting off?
DH really didn't want to be at the birth. I shrugged, didn't make alternative plans and of course he was there, happily 3 times. I doubt he was particularly keen on me breast feeding as a concept pre birth, I just knew I would and did. Ditto co sleeping and sling wearing. But I am a dragon who doesn't need his express permission for everything I do. Unless he's stockpiling formula why do you need to win this conversation now?

PowderMum · 01/03/2015 19:49

OP, I don't want to support your DP and I believe that you should do what is best for you and your baby, but I will add my little piece here.

I didn't want to bf my DC, I can't explain why I just knew I didn't (my DH supported my decision) although I have no problem with others feeding their babies around me, it always looks very calm and easy and less faff than a bottle, it just wasn't for me.

No-one would ask me to be their birth partner, I am hopeless in hospitals and really glad that I was flat on the bed (epidural) for my 2 birth experiences. I have to psych myself up to go visiting.

Andrewofgg · 01/03/2015 19:50

I cannot imagine a man not wanting to be at the birth of his child.

I can. If a man knows he is squeamish and can't cope with the sight of blood and gore he had better stay away. The last thing anyone can be arsed with is him needing medical attention!

myusernameisusername · 01/03/2015 19:52

Your baby your choice what it is fed not his he can have a say in everything but feeding imho i have decided ill try my best at breastfeeding but if it doesn't work out I'll ff no big deal breast milk is 100% better though only if you can do it comfortably Smile

Andrewofgg · 01/03/2015 19:54

PowderMum You could have been my DW. She like you did not want to bf. At an early stage she was advised that medication she was taking (and could not stop taking) might be harmful to the baby and she was so relieved to have an excuse she could give to the well-meaning friends and HCPs who preached at her about it.

And ff he was and we enjoyed the process, nights, bottles, steriliser and all, and there's a healthy hunk of thirty to remind us that it can work very well!

richthegreatcornholio · 01/03/2015 19:56

He finds breast feeding disgusting

Is he 5? Why are you having a baby with this bellend? As a man I often think some threads on here can be quite harsh towards men but this guy deserves everything he gets.

QTPie · 01/03/2015 20:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Mouthfulofquiz · 01/03/2015 20:03

Breastfeeding - disgusting??!! Honestly. To use a lovely mn phrase here: this really boils my piss.
I know everyone is entitled to an opinion, but his is wrong i'm afraid. Better not let him watch the birth then or else he might spontaneously combust.