To have made 7yr old start this letter again - so upset by his selfishness

[lecce]

It is to my elderly aunt who sent a few bits and pieces for him with my parents at half-term. She usually comes with them but was not well enough to travel and we are all aware that she may not make the journey again (3.5 hours). I am extremely close to her and the dc both adore her. She is the most child-friendly person ever (no children of her own) and it has been lovely for me to see her with my dc and remember how she was with me when I was a child.

It is relevant to know that dc is a very strong writer and frequently gets certificates for his writing at school, on top table etc - it's not a struggle for him. Despite this he never wants to write at home. Luckily, the school is not big on homework, but if he does ever have any a huge tantrum ensues - until he actually starts it and then he gets into and enjoys it .

So I asked him to write his thank-you letter this afternoon and he came quite willingly. Ten minutes later he handed me this:

Dear X
Thank you for the thing you sent.
We went to London in half-term.
Forest won today!
Love from X

So no paragraphs, just a short list of rushed sentences. No asking after her, looking forward to seeing her etc (we do thank-you letters, he should know how to end them).

AiBU to have told him it wasn't good enough and that he has to do another one. He is screaming the house down, chuntering about 'a million sentences', 'ten hundred hours of writing' etc etc

I feel like crying - it is his utter selfishness that upsets me. He is usually lovely and commended for his sensitivity by teachers etc, so why can't he be arsed for his elderly relative?

This thread is dead, old, done. Why do we need to hear more....

Then feel free to fuck off.

Oh AIBU, how I've missed you.

YANBU

for the Forest comment alone, he needs to write AT LEAST three paragraphs; one for each goal they put past Reading

Yes, Apocalypse, a 7-year-old could, in theory, say what you said in your second post (definitely not what you said in your first one, though!).

I am not seven, I tend to imagine the majority on mumsnet aren't either do why would I write in the manner of a seven year old?

The aunt was too ill to travel the last time he would have seen her. I don't think it's especially odd to express some interest in how she's feeling. Again, that's not drafting the letter in the words of a seven year old.

Hissy He would probably willingly have written about that, having spent the afternoon listening to it on the radio .

I do see 'utterly selfish' was a silly way to describe his letter, but I was influenced by worry for my aunt and my knowledge of his ability. I do wish people wouldn't make leaps about things though - I am not in the least bothered about showing off to her friends. I am not. I know she enjoys having things to show them, but that doesn't mean I want to showcase his abilities. I just want to give back some of the happiness she has given me over the years. Throughout my childhood she would send me little parcels with comics and chocolate (my parents were the sweets-police) and I wanted to respond in kind. Of course I have written to her, but I think I wanted the children to do their bit too (ds2 drew a card) because I associate her so much with childhood. People are quite right that she would have been more than happy with the first effort, but she will be even happier with the new one.

They speak to her on the phone regularly but she really does appreciate having something written. I would be happy for thanks to be verbal and notes/cards etc to be 'just because' but, as I have said, ds1 hates writing but has some kind of acceptance that thank-you cards are necessary. It really was the only way of getting something on paper from him.

And the level of his upset was not related to my telling-off. Someone has mentioned my previous threads, and they frequently mention his tendency to fly into tantrums about trivial matters. I didn't shout at him or insult him. He knew I wasn't best pleased, but he was screaming because he didn't want to write, not because he had had a terrible telling-off.

Victorian? I don't think so. Ds2 is in a tutu dancing to Macarena on the Wii for the 30th time this weekend, and ds1 is watching endless cricket highlights on their tablet. Ds1's chosen homework task this weekend is to make cakes to a recipe related to his topic, so no more writing dramas this weekend.

I wasn't "made" to write thank you letters much at the age of 7, but I do remember doing a school exercise about them at that age, and thinking how utterly loathsome it was, especially being told what to say. I was asked to write them when I was older, about 9 or 10. (I tended to resist doing anything I was "made" to do; my parents had to find ways of persuading me!)

However, at the age of 7 I did once receive a letter from an adult we were on holiday with, thanking me for keeping their younger child entertained, reading them stories, looking forward to next time, which I really appreciated. It was a quite a short letter, about five sentences, with a little drawing of me reading to someone. Perhaps if your son was to receive a letter like this (even if it's arranged by you) in some way, he could then see how nice it is to receive them.

OP apart from the (understandable) overeaction I don't think you were being unreasonable. I made my DS1 rewrite his Christmas letter to his godmother for similar reasons. Once we'd spoken about it, he understood why and put much more effort into his other cards.

And I get that your DS is capable of more so it didn't feel like he'd tried - for him. Mine is younger than yours but capable of long pages when he's scribbling his own copycat diary of a wimpy kid! Will happily spend an hour writing it at a time.

Sure, some people might not do thank you letters, and if that's normal for them, that's fine for them. But in my family, it's normal to do them, makes people very happy to receive them etc, so we do do them. Whether or not to do them at all is a red herring and not what your question was about.

Love that story wanderings!

why would I write in the manner of a seven year old?

In order to help the OP decide what's appropriate for her 7-year-old son to write, perhaps?

I feel like crying - it is his utter selfishness that upsets me. He is usually lovely and commended for his sensitivity by teachers etc, so why can't he be arsed for his elderly relative?

Because, at 7 years old, he's not old enough to appreciate how much joy a few minutes of his effort might bring to an elderly relative miles and miles away. It is selfish behaviour to your adult eyes, but perfectly natural for someone at his stage of emotional development. It's much easier to be selfless and sensitive "in the moment" when you can see the reaction of the other person. Via a letter, not so much.

What year is he in?
Is he almost 8?

YANBU. I was expected to write 'proper' thank you letters at 7 - had to say thank you for whatever it was, say that I liked it and write a nice comment about it ("thank you for the lego, it is great and the castle is my favourite part" type thing) - new paragraph, give small item of news about self ("we went swimming at the weekend and I went down the water slide") - finish with enquiry after gift-giver ("I hope you are well and I look forward to seeing you soon.") Minimum one sheet of pretty note paper, and Santa always provided pretty notepaper for the purpose.

Sometimes it was a boring chore if I wanted to play, but I am a (reasonably ) normal adult, it didn't put me off writing, make me hostile to my parents, ruin my childhood etc, and I still write thank you notes (in roughly the same format.)

"He's only 7...'

What are people on? He is capable of more than this pathetic letter. I have loads of experience with this age group. Frankly, it is not good enough.

He is being rude with reference to the thing he got...he can't even be bothered to refer to it by name?

No wonder there are so many spoilt brats around and overpandering precious mammas...I'm referring to all the defenders of your boy - not you.

Liara gets it right:

Empathy gets taught, it doesn't happen by itself. It's really great that you are teaching him consideration for someone elderly, and that you are showing him how worried and concerned you are for a much loved relative. If he doesn't see that, how on earth would he learn?

I think the "overpandering (is that even a word?) precious mammas with their spoilt brats" are more concerned that the OP is making such a song and dance about a thank you note which, by her own admission, would be considered absolutely fine by the recipient.

Rejecting a genuine heartfelt thank you note written willingly in favour of a forced one written in an atmosphere of conflict and resentment is not going to teach empathy and concern for anyone, even if the replacement letter does have paragraphs

OP's boy sounds intelligent enough to do better.

Rhonda - is 'judgypants' a 'real' word? That's if we are questioning authenticity of words.

I don't think the recipient would be ok with the letter.

OP is unusual imo and doing a great job in teaching responsibility to her son.

Yanbu expecting him to re write it, but a bit u to feel like crying.
Not being selfish is something that has to be learned, and taught.
It is important to teach from early on that other people's feelings matter, and thank you notes are an important courtesy.
I get ds to write thank you letters, and always have. I remind him what is expected eg the things I would like him to cover.
I also tell him if it's not up to snuff, he will have to do it again. He knows that before he starts and yes, at 7 I would have expected a "hope you are well" plus the address and date at the top, because I know he can.
Who the Hell else is going to teach him to write a letter? Are we supposed to wait until they are 13, then insist they sit down and do this totally unfamiliar thing? I can't see that working out tbh.
I don't give a shit if I am Victorian

I think 7 s very young to be expected to write a lot and a letter that is heartfelt is much more important than one that is nicely well written.

I also think it can be very hurtful to children to have their efforts rejected. It is his letter not the mums letter, surely!

Anyone who thinks they know what this child is capable of, except the mum themselves, might well think well I know the average 7 year old etc etc. But not all children are the average 7 year old. Not all can do the same.

I just think it is very sad anyone would want to pull apart a child's letter. That's what I think is really pathetic.

captain, fair enough about the validity of made-up words.

But this is what the OP posted about her aunt's likely reaction:

No way would my aunt want me to make him do it again - I can hear her now: "Oh, he's alright!" followed by a hug if she was here.

Hmm. I think that, if you know your child has put no effort in, and is trying it on a bit, then to say nope that's not good enough is totally fine.
If a child puts effort in, then of course you accept it and don't make them start again.
7/8 year olds are not generally stupid, or delicate flowers that can't handle any criticism of their work.
On the whole they know full well when they are trying to get away with the bare minimum, and I think it's fair enough to call them on it sometimes.

OP, I think you are right to expect better than this and it is good to have high standards. I agree with the point made above that empathy needs to be taught. Perhaps it is worth calmly trying to explain to DS why it wasn't good enough. I've written 70+ thank you notes for gifts given to DD (12 weeks old so not in a position to help out yet!) so I do realise that it can be hard to come up with something interesting/witty/unusual to say. You could suggest a few pointers for content and structure so that he can learn how to construct a better note. As for the posters who say that DS will be put off writting thank you notes for life, I really think we need to demand good manners. Life isn't always about fun and children do need to learn about duties.

What a massive over reaction. What are you going to do as your child continues to fail to live up to your expectations over the years?
He will btw because he is human and we all make mistakes and in youth fail to realize the further reaching consequences of our actions.

YANBU to ask him to write it again and explain why. YABVVVU to be so upset at his utter selfishness you feel like crying as you state.

Over the years your child will both delight and disappoint you in many ways, most of them completely unexpected. It is how we all learn. Do not take this as the personal slight you are doing now or it could well destroy your relationship with him. He isn't doing it to hurt anyone and entering into the 'how could you do this to me' mentality is a dangerous road to go down.

You can discipline and teach your child without pouring so much of your own self worth and expectations into the task. Believe me he will feel that kind of pressure and kick back against it.

Expect his very best but not with the overwrought emotional strings you are currently attaching to it. If he is as thoughtful as you say he will see it whether you express it openly or try to hide it from him.

IF he was never arsed, THEN you might have a point.

But I agree with IAmNotAMindReader

Ov the years there have been several occasions when I have seen an event as protent of something more serious, a personality flaw in my child, or a projection of my own fears.

Our job as parents is to separate our own shit from our children's and just chill out a bit.

Ther words, he is allowed to have bad days and over the top emotional reactions to things, just as you are. Much more so, of course, because he is 7. And those over reactions and bad days shouldn't be thrown back at them because we are feeling upset or having a bad day.

Sorry, that should have started "in other words"