To have made 7yr old start this letter again - so upset by his selfishness

[lecce]

It is to my elderly aunt who sent a few bits and pieces for him with my parents at half-term. She usually comes with them but was not well enough to travel and we are all aware that she may not make the journey again (3.5 hours). I am extremely close to her and the dc both adore her. She is the most child-friendly person ever (no children of her own) and it has been lovely for me to see her with my dc and remember how she was with me when I was a child.

It is relevant to know that dc is a very strong writer and frequently gets certificates for his writing at school, on top table etc - it's not a struggle for him. Despite this he never wants to write at home. Luckily, the school is not big on homework, but if he does ever have any a huge tantrum ensues - until he actually starts it and then he gets into and enjoys it .

So I asked him to write his thank-you letter this afternoon and he came quite willingly. Ten minutes later he handed me this:

Dear X
Thank you for the thing you sent.
We went to London in half-term.
Forest won today!
Love from X

So no paragraphs, just a short list of rushed sentences. No asking after her, looking forward to seeing her etc (we do thank-you letters, he should know how to end them).

AiBU to have told him it wasn't good enough and that he has to do another one. He is screaming the house down, chuntering about 'a million sentences', 'ten hundred hours of writing' etc etc

I feel like crying - it is his utter selfishness that upsets me. He is usually lovely and commended for his sensitivity by teachers etc, so why can't he be arsed for his elderly relative?

ilovesooty, do you really think using the word "thing" was worse than if he'd not sent a letter at all?

Perhaps, though, that would have been a quick and easy solution.

I do, Rhonda. I think it sounds really rude and dismissive. It's the only aspect of the letter I'd have any issue with.

Well if only the OP had felt the same way you do, her DS could have got away with not writing anything

I thought "the thing" wasn't an ideal thing to say-but he's 7. OP should have helped him more.
I feel quite sorry for him.

re. no Kodak moments- when I was your ds' age, I had to make a card for some family friends

I carefully (tongue out) wrote mine and my siblings' names first, then 'and not forgetting [mum's name] and [dad's name]

I thought it sounded posh and rather fancied myself as being all grown-up

my mum lost. her. shit

never forgotten it

I agree, ilovesooty. It sounds like the child can't even remember what it is. A phone call to the aunt from the mother would be better in that case.

But I do think a 7 year old who is good at writing could have produced something a bit better in other aspects too, without too much trouble.

OP did help him! She talked to him about what he could write before he wrote it. What else would she do? Write the fucker for him?

Where does she say she helped him? It sounds like she just sent him off to do it. No mention of them discussing it.
Also "no paragraphs" -he's 7.

I do feel sorry for him tbh.
OP sounds very critical.

I agree that 'the thing you sent' sounds rude ('things' you sent would have been a bit better at least). It is pretty basic to identify the item and even say you liked it, or something about it. For that alone, a rewrite would be necessary. Yes, I also think he could have done better in general, since you say that he is a good writer capable of producing more. It is a bit of a disappointing effort.

I have received lovely letters from 7 year olds, and also think they are usually more than capable of understanding that someone is unwell and feeling the desire to say something kind to cheer them up.

YANBU to ask him to redo it. Without knowing the child, but based on what you say, I'd think it is more an absence of him doing anything particularly impressive than him being selfish or anything though. I totally understand that you are upset about your Aunt and think that did feed into the reaction. I think he could have done better and it was right to do another letter, but that you can't necessarily read into it what you might if an older child or adult had written such a letter. I'd have just said, we'll have to do this again because you need to say what was sent, and we need to put in a sentence or two to cheer up (Aunt's name)', but not blamed him for doing anything wrong.

Write the fucker for him?

Under the circumstances, and in view of the ridiculous palaver that has ensued, I think this would have been an excellent solution.

Btw I wouldn't expect or be bothered by paragraphs/punctuation/spelling/handwriting or anything like that, just the sentiment and a bit of effort is the point.

"The absence of him doing anything particularly impressive"-is that about the Aunt's feelings then or showing off his writing skills to her?

"The absence of him doing anything particularly impressive"-is that about the Aunt's feelings then or showing off his writing skills to her?

Oh, no neither, sorry. My own writing is letting me down tonight. I don't mean impressive in that sense, I meant that it isn't a case of him being extra kind and thoughtful, but not a case of being unkind or thoughtless. You know how sometimes young children say or do something very sweet and thoughtful - that is a bonus/impressive, but it isn't selfish or bad not to, it is just more neutral.

I think I'd have tried to sit down with him and give some guidance in these circs, rather than see it as a kind of test for him to realise what to say, it could have been more of a learning what to say thing..?

You're reaction (or over reaction) appears slightly ridiculous to something thats actually quite trivial in the grand scheme of things. Why the hysterics and (near) tears over a letter which, to be fair to your son, he DID write?! Ok, it wasn't to the best of his abilities but he produced a letter none-the-less.
Take a step back and just look at how you've reacted to this and I hope you see that you've not been very pleasant to your son. You've been highly critical over something that really doesn't matter. Jeez, the poor boy hasn't murdered anyone!
If I were your poor aunt I would be mortified that my action of thinking of him had got him into this much trouble- in thought if not in deed. I would also be none too happy that he was forced into a thanks he really didn't want to give- he said enough in his first letter, that wouldve done for me!
Are you expecting too much from a young boy who, although obviously excelling, is still a boy! He is a child, give him a break and let him be!
Also, next time you feel this way over something so trivial take a deep breath and ask yourself if it's a healthy reaction. You never know when and where the damage may start.

Rhonda

Yes, OP could have just told him what to write. But OP is upset because her aunt is unwell and said aunt has always been kind to small boy and other small children and she just feels he could have tried a bit. She INBU. Small boy not unreasonable either, just a bit lazy (as we all are, given the opportunity).

drudgetrudy she said early on that she talked to him about what he could write. I think that's enough for a kid who is a good writer usually.

It just hit a nerve because my Mum's agenda would have been to showcase my "cleverness" to my Aunt.
My 8 year old cousin once sent her a thank-you letter-he had difficulty with spelling and she kept saying how poor it was and he couldn't even spell xxx properly at eight.
I was ten-I secretly thought she was being a cow and I still remember it.

Hope OP was just thinking of encouraging thoughtfulness but still think she's being a bit hard on him.

I have had many letters from DGDS' saying "Dear Nan Love DGD".

Agree with others quite normal.

I happened to be rereading To Kill a Mockingbird earlier. At one point Jem and Scout decide to write a thank you note for all the gifts that have been left for them in the knothole of a tree. Jem, who is about 11 years old at this point in the novel, actually drafts the note: "Dear sir, We appreciate everything you have put into the tree for us. Yours very truly." Of course, poor Boo Radley never receives the note, because his mean brother plugs the knothole with cement.

As I wrote above, I don't see anything wrong with the OP asking her son to rewrite his letter. But I don't think his original draft is evidence of "utter selfishness" either.

Its your level of upset that's the unreasonable thing here.

Monet needs a STOP button when threads drag on and on with absolutely nothing new being written. Crikey talk about repetitive. No wonder the OP has hopped off.

Not Monet, Mumsnet

YABU!

He is 7.

That is a brilliant letter.

I hope you send it to your auntie and, IMVHO, if you do not then you should write what you want to say and sign it from you.

I think thank you letters are overrated anyway. These days we have this invention called a telephone and it's pretty much done away with the need for tedious thank you letters, but some people cling on to them as though they were the last bastion of British middle class decency.

it is his utter selfishness that upsets me Wow...there is no selfishness in that note.

You say that he is usually caring & capable of writing better, so why do ou feel the need to over react so much? Or is it because YOUR aunt may not want to show off his handiwork this time?

To be honest, op..you sound more worried about what her friends will think about your "dcs declining standards of manners" than anything else.

This thread is dead, old, done. Why do we need to hear more....