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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made 7yr old start this letter again - so upset by his selfishness

204 replies

lecce · 28/02/2015 17:50

It is to my elderly aunt who sent a few bits and pieces for him with my parents at half-term. She usually comes with them but was not well enough to travel and we are all aware that she may not make the journey again (3.5 hours). Sad I am extremely close to her and the dc both adore her. She is the most child-friendly person ever (no children of her own) and it has been lovely for me to see her with my dc and remember how she was with me when I was a child.

It is relevant to know that dc is a very strong writer and frequently gets certificates for his writing at school, on top table etc - it's not a struggle for him. Despite this he never wants to write at home. Luckily, the school is not big on homework, but if he does ever have any a huge tantrum ensues - until he actually starts it and then he gets into and enjoys it Hmm.

So I asked him to write his thank-you letter this afternoon and he came quite willingly. Ten minutes later he handed me this:

Dear X
Thank you for the thing you sent.
We went to London in half-term.
Forest won today!
Love from X

So no paragraphs, just a short list of rushed sentences. No asking after her, looking forward to seeing her etc (we do thank-you letters, he should know how to end them).

AiBU to have told him it wasn't good enough and that he has to do another one. He is screaming the house down, chuntering about 'a million sentences', 'ten hundred hours of writing' etc etc

I feel like crying - it is his utter selfishness that upsets me. He is usually lovely and commended for his sensitivity by teachers etc, so why can't he be arsed for his elderly relative?

OP posts:
SnapeChat · 28/02/2015 18:23

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TheySaidThat · 28/02/2015 18:24

I think I'd want to make him write it again to be honest, but more down to my embarrassment of sending something half arsed knowing that he is much more capable. Also, I'd explain to him that although I appreciated him writing the letter, your Aunt is of a different generation where they are not used to short responses such as quick emails and texts and would prefer a bit more communication. I think it might be better to mention what the present was rather than saying 'the thing'. So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable as long as you explain that it was a good letter that just needed a bit of elaborating.

oldcroneat39 · 28/02/2015 18:27

If you wanted more then helping him plan the letter. At 7 he WILL write more in school. But the success criteria would have been explained to him and possibly some sort of planning for the "structure". From starting with a blank page he has done as you asked. At school he'd be told he was going to write a letter. He should say thank you, should ask about her health, should give 1/3 items of news etc.
hth

littlejohnnydory · 28/02/2015 18:28

I don't see it as selfish. He has given up his time to write a note, he has tried to think of some news she would like to hear. It's not selfish not to feel like doing it, just natural.

wobblebobblehat · 28/02/2015 18:31

Yes, I would ask him to rewrite it too. My Mum would not have deemed that acceptable!

drbonnieblossman · 28/02/2015 18:33

What a pity you feel your 7 year old is selfish. Pretty shocked at that firstly.

There is no relevance in your son's top table seating at school, nor his certificates, proud though I'm sure you are.

Children find letter writing a bind. They are too young at 7 to appreciate how touching they are for their recipient.

Instead of feeling so negatively towards your child, in future remember that their abilities aside, at home they need encouragement and praise. Next time, take the time to chat to your child about what x might like to know, what activities they have done recently, what their achievements are, what the recipient actually bought them (children forget who gave what fairly quickly). Then sit down at the table with them, keeping them company and being there so at when they forget everything you've just chatted about you can gently remind them. Then praise him for his efforts.

And remember his age.

Isthatwhatdemonsdo · 28/02/2015 18:33

Jesus Wept! The kid is 7. YAB extremely U.

AnnieMorel · 28/02/2015 18:35

If I were an aged aunt, I'd be quite charmed by his short & to the point letter.

My ds, aged 11 wrote the following:

'Dear great aunt xxx

Thank you for the cheque.

I will definitely spend it on something.

Love from xxxx'

I thought it was sweet & would make her laugh.

Shakey1500 · 28/02/2015 18:36

Ye Gads, he's 7 YABU. My 7 year old's letter would be barely legible and probably considerably shorter.

sparkysparkysparky · 28/02/2015 18:37

Maybe he could draw a picture of a Forest player. It means something to him and I'm sure his great auntie would be touched at him sharing something that is special to him.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/02/2015 18:38

I think that letter would make your aunt smile. His personality shines through it. Perhaps a line to say he enjoys playing with the thing would do?

NerrSnerr · 28/02/2015 18:41

The last letter I got from my 8 year old nephew said

Dear Auntie Nerr

Thank you for the money. I bought a Lego Star Wars set.

Love Nephew.

I was more than happy with the letter.

FarFromAnyRoad · 28/02/2015 18:41

You are definitely NOT overreacting - it's learning to give a shit at an early age that makes the man in the future. That letter doesn't give a shit. Now that's not to say your DS is anything but a lovely child but he needs to be guided into writing a letter that implies at least that he gives a shit - and you can explain to him just why that is so important. He might not understand or grasp the finer details of why - but you'll have started him on the path to thinking about someone more distant than himself or his immediate family which is an important life skill. You'll probably only need to explain this once - I know I did - but it's an incredibly important seed to plant. Sometimes you just have to step up and give a shit - sometimes it's NOT all about YOUR immediate needs. I say good on you OP for recognising that.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 28/02/2015 18:46

I can't believe you think your 7 year old is selfish for what he wrote. On that bases, ALL 7 year olds are selfish. If you wanted him to write something more 'appropriate', you should have sat over him. Seems to me he wrote from the heart, and what more would you want? I, as a person with young relatives, would cherish such a note, especially in a 'home made' card, with a picture drawn on the front. You're the adult, you can write out a long letter of love and sympathies, not your small child.

So yes, yabu.

Higgle · 28/02/2015 18:47

YANBU, any bright 7 year old could write a letter better than that, and you say he has experience of writing thank you letters. I have two sons adn I would expect better, in fact if it had not been re-written with good grace I would have been looking at some modest disciplinary action.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 28/02/2015 18:53

Sorry OP, YABU. Bit harsh on a 7 year old. My 7 year old DD usually manages about four lines before needing a lot of bribing persuading to get any further.

He does 'give a shit', as much as most 7 year olds do. He might well benefit from a chat about why his letter will cheer your aunt up etc. and it might even sow a seed to a different reaction next time he does a similar card.

But he's not being selfish, you are being a bit OTT. A picture drawn by him along with that letter he wrote would be perfect. I'd go a bit easier on him, to be honest.

DarkHeart · 28/02/2015 18:55

YABU he is 7!!!!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/02/2015 18:55

I disagree FarFrom - by making such a drama of it and forcing him to redo it through gritted teeth she has probably created a future adult who will never, ever write than you letters or make his DC do so on principle. He is the absolute perfect age for this to be one of those random seemingly unimportant non Koran moments that becomes on of his most vivid childhood memories that's how my mum doing this worked for me anyway

His original letter sounded lovely and from the heart. Now you've made him associate the whole thing with bitterness and resentment - what you've taught him tonight isn't positive at all.

WireCat · 28/02/2015 18:56

That's a lovely note. He's 7.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 28/02/2015 18:58

You are utterly unreasonable...he's only 7!

You need to sit down with him and at the very least, draft out the rough contents of each paragraph. He can then write the letter and pad it out.

He needs to be taught how to write a letter and you will need to guide him for a longtime to come.

mcarthurspark · 28/02/2015 18:59

YABU and that you 'feel like crying' at his 'selfishness' is a massive overreaction and actually quite troubling.

I grew up with a Narcissistic parent who managed to turn everything I did into a reflection on her and this is ringing big alarm bells for me.

treacleturkey · 28/02/2015 19:01

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Thankyoumrspatterson · 28/02/2015 19:02

Yanbu, if he is capable then He was being lazy. I'd make him rewrite it too

FromSeaToShining · 28/02/2015 19:04

He is the absolute perfect age for this to be one of those random seemingly unimportant non Koran moments

I can usually figure out autocorrect errors, but what on earth was "non Koran" meant to be? Grin

LiegeAndLief · 28/02/2015 19:05

Pretty harsh and crying definitely a massive over reaction - assume this is because of your own worries and emotions about your aunt rather than the thank you letter.

If I asked my 8yo ds to write a letter to thank some one for a present he would write:

Dear X

Thank you for my xxxx, it is great.

Love ds

He would need prompting to write any more just because it wouldn't occur to him that any more was required, or even that it would be appreciated, because he is 8.

Rather than saying it wasn't good enough I would have gone more along the lines of "That's great love, but you really need to mention what the thing was or aunt won't know what you're thanking her for, and she loves your letters so much she'd probably like to hear a bit more about x and x. Why don't you quickly write out another one with that in and then we can do x." Telling him the first attempt wasn't good enough is hardly going to lead to a 7yo joyously sitting down to write a second version.

I can promise you that he has not linked this letter writing in any way to how he feels about your aunt.