To have made 7yr old start this letter again - so upset by his selfishness

[lecce]

It is to my elderly aunt who sent a few bits and pieces for him with my parents at half-term. She usually comes with them but was not well enough to travel and we are all aware that she may not make the journey again (3.5 hours). I am extremely close to her and the dc both adore her. She is the most child-friendly person ever (no children of her own) and it has been lovely for me to see her with my dc and remember how she was with me when I was a child.

It is relevant to know that dc is a very strong writer and frequently gets certificates for his writing at school, on top table etc - it's not a struggle for him. Despite this he never wants to write at home. Luckily, the school is not big on homework, but if he does ever have any a huge tantrum ensues - until he actually starts it and then he gets into and enjoys it .

So I asked him to write his thank-you letter this afternoon and he came quite willingly. Ten minutes later he handed me this:

Dear X
Thank you for the thing you sent.
We went to London in half-term.
Forest won today!
Love from X

So no paragraphs, just a short list of rushed sentences. No asking after her, looking forward to seeing her etc (we do thank-you letters, he should know how to end them).

AiBU to have told him it wasn't good enough and that he has to do another one. He is screaming the house down, chuntering about 'a million sentences', 'ten hundred hours of writing' etc etc

I feel like crying - it is his utter selfishness that upsets me. He is usually lovely and commended for his sensitivity by teachers etc, so why can't he be arsed for his elderly relative?

Nowhere have I said I called it 'crap' or that I have called him selfish. I feel he has been, and have said so on here because I'm venting, because I know he can be soooo lovely, as well as being a super writer.

I am upset about my aunt, as I have said several times - I don't make a habit of getting angsty about his written work in general. Yes, I shouldn't be putting my feelings on him, as I have said.

My aunt absolutely loves getting stuff from the dc and she loves having letters/cards etc to show her friends. She would love whatever they sent, I know that, but I wanted her to have something lovely to show them. I do get that it's not ds's responsibility to provide these things, but it really didn't kill him and I know will make an elderly lady, who is the kindest, most generous person ever, very happy.

I particularly hated how he had referred to her gifts (small) as 'the thing' as it sounds so dismissive, as if he can't remember them. The letter he finally wrote was lovely - 3 short paragraphs built around his original sentences - and took him between 10 -15 minutes to write. Not too much to ask, I feel, and hardly 'War and Peace' or the compete works of Shakespeare .

You have to remember that he is only 7. He wasn't being dismissive just forgetful in his description of the gift.

You've got it rewritten and I think you need to lighten up a little and not give him a hard time. It won't benefit you in the long run.

My 7 yr old had to write a poem for homework and I gave him loads of suggestions. He wrote a great poem, but it was all about my nagging, verbatim. Served me right.

Yanbu about the letter but info think you are getting yourself overt worked up about it. I dont think so much about the length of it but it reads rudely because he couldn't be bothered to say what he received or comment that he liked it. The examples above of 'thank you for x, I really liked it' though shorter seem more polite.
Most people here seen to have incredibly low expectations of their children and seem to think that suggesting a child spend any time doing anything they don't enjoy is tantamount to abuse. I don't think it's weird that he didnt enquire after her health though- that is definitely an older person thing.

He's 7 FGS. They don't write eloquent thank you letters and nobody expects them to.

I find my relatives appreciate a thank you v much for the gift with a nice photo of them.

He it not utterly selfish - he is 7. You are expecting too much of him.

So he has finally written the letter you want her to show off to her friends through fear and goading. Well done OP.

*Express some concern for her wellbeing

A seven year old can't say "I hope you are feeling better"?*

I disagree, my nearly 7 year old is more than capable of this. Last week he made a card for me when I was unwell stating "I hope you feel better soon", and earlier today when he said goodbye to his grandfather his parting words were "I hope you have a nice evening".

OP I do think YABU though... you asked him to write a thank you letter and he did just that. If you needed him to give more you should have given him some ideas and perhaps had a brief chat about what he might write.

Liara in this case she is trying to teach him to be "all empathetic and lovely" though, not trying to get him to tidy his room or learn his 7 times table. You can't teach empathy if youccan't empathise with your child at that moment, any more than you can teach your child to speak Fluent French if you don't speak it, or insist they keep their room immaculate if the rest of the house is a filthy pit.

The letter is fine for a 7 year old. You should send it together with a lovely photo of your son with using the things (if poss).
If you think the note is too short, you could always add an extra note yourself.

They don't write eloquent thank you letters

They do. He has done so before and wrote another tonight, independently (apart from the ideas we had originally discussed).

So he has finally written the letter you want her to show off to her friends through fear and goading. Ffs, I don't want her to show off. She lives 3+ hours away - I don't know these people. I wanted her to have something nice to show them, but obviously I am a complete bitch for this. Fear and goading? Where do you get this from?

*Express some concern for her wellbeing

A seven year old can't say "I hope you are feeling better"?*

I disagree, my nearly 7 year old is more than capable of this. Last week he made a card for me when I was unwell stating "I hope you feel better soon", and earlier today when he said goodbye to his grandfather his parting words were "I hope you have a nice evening".*

Yes - ds often hopes I have a nice day at work, and during the recent snow he told me to drive carefully. He told me we needed to buy the dog-walker a Christmas present - I could go on. He frequently shows empathy, I just wanted to show some tonight, but that is clearly tantamount to abuse.

My 7 year old, and my 5 year old for that matter, would probably write about a page worth if I asked them to write a letter. They'd definitely remember to thank the relative but probably not to ask how she was doing (children that age are still quite egocentric and don't tend to ask people how they are doing - that's an adult sort of thing to do) unless prompted to do so. They are both girls so not sure if that makes a difference at this age.
At the tender age of 6 I lived abroad and so I wrote lengthy missives to my dear grandparents each week - about three or four pages of airmail paper. Probably completely boring for my grandparents I expect! I liked writing though ;)
So, YANBU to expect something a little more lengthy from your DS and ask for him to re-do it (without the histrionics!) but YABU to expect him to comply with the usual social niceties that adults would when writing letters of thanks.

I don't think what you've done is tantamount to abuse at all, but I do think you have massively over-reacted, out of emotional reasons to do with your aunt. I understand it, but its still an over-reaction.

I think you're now getting some abuse from posters, tbh.

Key thing is to now calm it all down.

In my view YWNBU OP.

I'm bemused by other posters' views that a 7-year-old shouldn't have it in his skill set to show some gratitude, thoughtfulness for other people etc. I think that is selling 7-year-olds terribly short. Sometimes they need reminding, prompting, encouragement to do things like write thank-you letters, but you had provided that by the sounds of it.

To refer to the gift as 'the thing' is offensive and almost suggests deliberate lack of effort.

All children have their moments, and this was one of them. I think it was absolutely right for you to ask him to do the letter again. Otherwise you'd be sending him the message that a no-effort 3-liner is suitable for future use!

You sound scary tbh.

Your son sounds like he has the world on his shoulders...
Why are you so hung up on empathy?
With all due respect, l imagine you all dressed in Victorian clothing.

My youngest is six. To say "thank you" she draws a picture. It comes from her heart.

I used to send thank you cards to my relatives. My mother was a bit like you, in that she hovered around me - demanding l wrote better/longer. I too was capable at that age.
My gran would receive the letters, and sometimes return them with the spelling mistakes underlined and corrected.
I broke that cycle.

I wouldn't be allowing the letter to go with "thank you for the thing you sent".

It sounds as though he couldn't even be bothered to look what it was.

Had he written that exact same letter with "thank you for the you sent, I love it" it would be far politer.

I sent my Nephew £100 for his 18th Birthday. Three weeks later he sent the following note.

Dear Buxton
Thanks for the money, it was very kind of you.
Love from Max.

So they get worse as they get older...

I'd have sent the letter as is, with the sun substitution of "the thing", which does sound dismissive.
I would also have written to the aunt myself, letting her know that I care about her, am concerned for her health etc, and telling her about the trip to London. I'm sure it would mean even more as you are close and nobody is forcing you to write it.

A seven year old telling someone to drive carefully doesnt make me think they are empathetic but highly strung and living in an environment of heightened anxiety to be quite honest.
All of your posts so far have been over emotional and completely silly tbh it doesn't sound entirely healthy

"I hope you have a nice evening".

He said this to his grandfather? That doesn't sound like how a 7 year old should talk - unless prompted to do so by an adult.

Yes he does sound to have the world on his shoulders

It was a 3-0 away win. You can't blame him for being excited.

Do you want him to hate writing? because you are going the right way about it!!
If you really must have him add 'PS Hope you are feeling beyyer and thanks againf for the great present.

*"I hope you have a nice evening".

He said this to his grandfather? That doesn't sound like how a 7 year old should talk - unless prompted to do so by an adult.

Yes he does sound to have the world on his shoulders*

Inkanta it was not the OP who wrote this, it was me and yes this is exactly what my nearly 7 year old said to his grandfather today.

Why would you mock that saying he obviously has the world on his shoulders... don't be so ridiculous. How on earth have you come to that conclusion from that sentence.

FYI he is a very happy little boys who just really cares about those around him and is capable of expressing that, this doesn't make him highly strung FFS.

There are people who just cannot cope with the fact that some children are different from their own.

Minion - That does not sound like a natural thing for a child to say 'I hope you have a nice evening'. It's very adult.