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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have made 7yr old start this letter again - so upset by his selfishness

204 replies

lecce · 28/02/2015 17:50

It is to my elderly aunt who sent a few bits and pieces for him with my parents at half-term. She usually comes with them but was not well enough to travel and we are all aware that she may not make the journey again (3.5 hours). Sad I am extremely close to her and the dc both adore her. She is the most child-friendly person ever (no children of her own) and it has been lovely for me to see her with my dc and remember how she was with me when I was a child.

It is relevant to know that dc is a very strong writer and frequently gets certificates for his writing at school, on top table etc - it's not a struggle for him. Despite this he never wants to write at home. Luckily, the school is not big on homework, but if he does ever have any a huge tantrum ensues - until he actually starts it and then he gets into and enjoys it Hmm.

So I asked him to write his thank-you letter this afternoon and he came quite willingly. Ten minutes later he handed me this:

Dear X
Thank you for the thing you sent.
We went to London in half-term.
Forest won today!
Love from X

So no paragraphs, just a short list of rushed sentences. No asking after her, looking forward to seeing her etc (we do thank-you letters, he should know how to end them).

AiBU to have told him it wasn't good enough and that he has to do another one. He is screaming the house down, chuntering about 'a million sentences', 'ten hundred hours of writing' etc etc

I feel like crying - it is his utter selfishness that upsets me. He is usually lovely and commended for his sensitivity by teachers etc, so why can't he be arsed for his elderly relative?

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 28/02/2015 18:04

Actually, YANBU

I don't think think the single sentance " how are you?" Is too much to ask. Eldest DC, whose around the same age, hates homework and writing but would have managed that.

littlejohnnydory · 28/02/2015 18:05

I wouldn't. It's polite, says thank you, gives her some news. Even if he's a strong writer the planning aspect of it can be difficult and you're expecting a more adult level of empathy and tailoring content to the recipient than most seven year olds are capable of. He has been polite, friendly, done what he's asked to do and not just the bare minimum (thank you love from x). Unless he's scribbled it or something, you could ask him to draw a picture or make a card to go with it but wouldn't get him to rewrite. I'd want to reward the effort he has made so that he's more likely to do it off his own bat when he's older.

Tobyjugg · 28/02/2015 18:06

The most glaring omission is that he failed to remind Auntie when his birthday is. i.e "Forest won today. I hope to go and see them on my birthday on [insert date."

Original poster
lecce · 28/02/2015 18:06

I just wondered what others thought about the selfishness implied? He is more than capable of a lot better than this and knows from experience roughly how long thank you letters should be.

No way would my aunt want me to make him do it again - I can hear her now: "Oh, he's alright!" followed by a hug if she was here Sad.

He has redone it, anyway, but not without a lot of fuss.

OP posts:
AllThatGlistens · 28/02/2015 18:08

Erm... I can understand that an extra sentence or two may have been more appropriate but I do think your reaction is disproportionately OTT.

He's 7, and he's not going to have the same emotional connection to her that you have.

FromSeaToShining · 28/02/2015 18:09

I think it's pretty typical for a 7-year-old. I agree with a PP that maybe your concern for your aunt's health may have caused you to overreact.

If you'd like him to rewrite the letter with more detail, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But labeling him as selfish really seems misplaced and OTT.

BingBong36 · 28/02/2015 18:10

Yabu! He is only 7. Poor kid.

ApocalypseThen · 28/02/2015 18:10

I think he does need to add three things:

  1. Mention what the thing she sent was and that he liked it;
  2. Express some kind of concern for her wellbeing;
  3. Mention that he he was sorry not to see her last time and hopes to see her soon.

That really shouldn't be a mammoth task and would make quite a nice note.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 28/02/2015 18:10

YABU - totally.

ragged · 28/02/2015 18:11

sorry, another YABU vote.
Why not ring her, wouldn't that be more lovely, a more personal chat?

LIZS · 28/02/2015 18:13

Yabu and a little controlling. Can you not send a note with it if you feel it needs more saying?

SuburbanRhonda · 28/02/2015 18:14

Express some concern for her wellbeing?

He's 7, not 70!

Jeez.

BornToFolk · 28/02/2015 18:15

He's 7, and he's not going to have the same emotional connection to her that you have.

This. He's so young, he's still learning about social norms and behaviours. He'd probably rather be doing a million other things, rather than writing a letter to an aunt, regardless of how fond he might be of her, or how grateful he actually is. That's all there is to it.

Having said that, I'd be peeved if my 7 year old turned out a letter like that, and would be asking him to do it again but after a gentle explanation of why a longer, more detailed letter would mean more to his aunt.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 28/02/2015 18:15

The content is lacking but you are being a bit ridiculous to fret about a lack of paragraphs at seven. He should have mentioned more specifically what the gifts were and it would be nice if he'd said 'I hope you are keeping well' or something but any more than that at seven is wishful thinking, and frankly just showing off.

Really no need to mention he's on the top table etc. Totally irrelevant. no-one expects him to write War and Peace at seven, whether he's on the top table or not.

ApocalypseThen · 28/02/2015 18:15

Express some concern for her wellbeing

A seven year old can't say "I hope you are feeling better"?

londonrach · 28/02/2015 18:15

Tbh i think for a 7 year old its ok. I wrote it himself. He has news (been to london). Yabu.

Libitina · 28/02/2015 18:17

YANBU imo.

I do think the idea of drawing a picture might be a good compromise.

salthill · 28/02/2015 18:18

That to me is a letter that epitomises a 7 year old boy. He's not being thoughtless and selfish, he's just being a typical 7 year old. I wouldn't really expect much more. His caring, thoughtful and considerate nature might not be apparent yet, but will develop as he gets older. I have nephews and if I received a letter like that I'd cherish it for what it is. I certainly wouldn't expect much more of a little boy.

rosierainbow1 · 28/02/2015 18:18

I have a same aged child, and she just colours in a card, and then writes in thank you for the present love (her name). I just send it like that as that is surely what most young children do.

UnikittyInHerBusinessSuit · 28/02/2015 18:19

YANBU to make him have another go. In particular "thank you for the thing you sent" (assuming that's a literal quote) is actively rude and I think any normal 7 year old should be capable of understanding that it's rude, and you need a more specific and detailed thanks. I don't insist on a particularly chatty thank you letter from my DCs but I do insist on a convincing and specific thankyou with a picture from a younger child or a few sentences from an older one.

NerrSnerr · 28/02/2015 18:19

To feel like crying is an overreaction. He possibly could have written more but I think calling him selfish is unfair! He's only 7.

ilovesooty · 28/02/2015 18:20

I think he should have mentioned what "the thing"was.

finnbarrcar · 28/02/2015 18:20

I think there are 2 things going on here

  1. You're worried about your aunt and you want a 7 year old to express YOUR feelings in a letter to her.
  1. You know your DS is capable of writing well, in paragraphs and with good vocabulary and you're annoyed that he's not done his "best" work.

Neither of these things are your DS's problem or fault, you have unreasonable expectations of him which you haven't clearly conveyed to him.

hiccupgirl · 28/02/2015 18:21

It seems fine for a 7 year old...they are completely the centre of their own universe at that age. Of course he doesn't have the emotional connection to your aunt that you do.

I'd get him to do a picture to go with it...they always say more than words anyway.

DilysMoon · 28/02/2015 18:23

Yabu it seems fine to me and age appropriate. It's a thank you letter, he's said thank you. Really fail to see how he's been selfish at all.